Nothing is worth it...

New Year is just next door. Finally, it is time to put behind everything that I felt was not required for future. I lived through days and years with a false smile pasted on my face so as to not let those who I loved from seeing the pain I was going through. I felt, if they saw me cry, they will cry too. They will understand me and feel sad for me…Today, I can see the comedy in it. They were all only illusions of my heart to be living in a world of care and compassion.

Thus, I have decided to keep back some parts of my past as my past. That was a sweet term to say, “to keep back”; where I actually meant, “Throw away”. 

• The tears that I held back hiding from the world.
• The smiles I used to prevent hurting the others.
• The blind love I bestowed on all that I cared for.
• The blame of trying to portray a ‘Self-Victimiser’.
• The negativity that a relation had dumped onto me.
• The belief that somebody else will take care of you.
• The thought that my happiness was not important.
• The misconception that I would be understood.
• The regrets that pressed me down the years.
• The guilty conscience which dragged me to restlesness.
• The over-confidence on my decisions being always right.
• The relatives who cared for nothing but their own false pride.
• The expectation of being anybody’s priority over everything else.
• The fear of standing up for myself; against the pre-set standards.

As I step into the new year, I want to embrace the universal truth of life… Yes, I am fine, with the new tag of being 'Selfish', for I realise, 

“Nothing is worth it, if YOU are not happy” 

Victim Player...

Those watery overflow of one’s eyes could bring either joy or sorrow to other. And, being a self-proclaimed strong woman, I wanted to give neither of this to the other on my expense. Yes, its true. I never let my tears to bring a smile to anyone who cared nothing about me. I never let my tears to bring tears to those who cared for me. That was me.

Today, I could hold no longer. I have reached a phase of life that my strength was just giving up on my will-power to hold back tears. I failed. The past few months, I have wasted those tears on some illusions that I had about life and those around me. I kept hearing taunts, “Stop Self-Victimising.” Is it so? Were those overflowing tears a parcel of self-victimising? Did I ever do that? Am I a living example of self-victimisation?

Me? A Victim Player? 

Baby, just for you...

Baby, here, thou can see my hand

Yes, its for you, to hold or to let go…

You know, it shall stay there, just for you

As long as my blood flows through you…

Baby, here, thou can see my smile.

Yes, its for you, to cherish or to ignore…

You know, it shall bloom there, just for you

As long as you say that you are safe…

Baby, here, thou can see my heart.

Yes, its for you, to make or to break…

You know, it shall beat there, just for you

As long as your love for me stay afresh…

Please, be with us...

The distance I walked, was nothing less than a world record for me. Can’t believe that, the me who always lived my life for others; the way they wanted, today has started a journey of my own… In quest of the long-lost happiness and joy, that this life could bestow on me. Today, I stepped out of my past to build a new future. A hope filled, promising future.

I know, the journey ahead is not going to be easy. With the tag of being someone’s wife still choking me, the number of fingers pointing at me have only increased with every passing day. Thru every night that I cried my heart out, I could feel the warmth of a hug and a soft voice that said, “Mamma, don’t worry, I am with you. You are not doing anything wrong. You should only need to be happy and need not adjust for other’s happiness.”

Those weren’t words I wanted to hear from my son. Those were words, I wanted to hear from my family. Forget the world, but I wished if my father, my mother or atleast my brother; even once said those words to me, atleast to comfort me, calm me, console me. They didn’t. Instead, they kept pointing out the fact that society doesnot work this way and being a female, I am expected to adjust and compromise… not this much but even more. Today, tomorrow and even for all the days that I might witness.

Their inability to understand me didn’t hurt as much as their hostility in handling my depressed heart. The harsh words poked me. The insults killed me. The emotional blackmails squeezed me. I had two options. Give up on the hope to be happy and live as I did all these years…Or to take all the pain and then make them my strength to seek my happiness.

Today, I finally walked out. It was not just out of a house. It was out of a system, a society, a life, a family. I walked out of everything that had crushed me and my hopes to live… I have a big responsibility ahead of me, my son. I will not let him down. I was his super hero Mom always. I had to be strong. But ask me, if I am strong enough to go thru the past days again, I will run away… Can’t even imagine, how I had the courage to do what I did. To stand up for myself.

But hereon, what and how, I don’t know? But, I finally stood up for myself. I have unbelievably marked the start of this journey and may the almighty guide me thru to the safe, comforting shelter of his love and peace…. Praying that his presence be with me and my son…

Please, be with us…

Moving on...

Around me, moments seemed to drift away…

I knew, my life was all set to tear me apart…

The wet eyelids and clinching lips tried to tie up,

The pain, that has overflowed all the way up…

Nothing will be the same as before, but…

Was it my wish to have them as before…?

Nothing will stop the need for this change, but…

Have they ever seen this need before…?

Neither they saw it yesterday, nor today…

Neither will they see it tomorrow….

For there, ends the hope to see that day,

When my own heart beats will see my sorrow. 

We will...

He is for sure only 10; but always had a deep insight into everything he witnessed. His observation skills were always a shock for me as it wasn’t always that he would let me know that he had that one side to his otherwise cheeky monkey nature. So, when things seemed too difficult to handle; I had to make my decision. By now, the I have completely given up the hope of anybody understanding the emotional roller coaster that I was  going thru. For me, it was ‘that’ moment of life where I had no come back to what I been thru all these past years. Acting happy and content seemed too impossible now.  

Finally, I opened the book in front of him, the one person that mattered the most to me. For the decision, I made in quest of my happiness, he would be the most affected one. My son, who just celebrated his bday, I had to speak to him. After a doctor’s appointment, on our way back home, at the McDonalds, in front of his father, I asked him, “Mamma wants to ask you something. What do you think about me and your dad?”

As usual, he kept on playing his game and asked, “What do you mean?”.

“Baby, what do you think of mamma and papa?”

“Hmmm, You are ok.”

Pause…I wasn’t sure what to say. His father just pushed the chair down and dashed out to his car.

The l’il one seemed to have no change of expression and continued eating food. He felt nothing new; as he had seen him cut off conversations always in a similar fashion.

Once back in the car, I asked his father on why he left the place to which he said, “There is nothing I have to tell or listen to.”

I knew, there was nothing indeed. Now, it was our son who had to listen to and talk…

“Baby, tell me, what you think of us as a family.”

“Hmm, I don’t think you both are happy together. You are not like other couples. I know you both are just acting.”

“Ok, baby, its right. We are not happy together. Amma is almost fed up with this and I cant take this any longer. Rather than living like this, I would prefer to move out; away from your father.”

“Mamma, are you gonna go away and live in another house.”

“Yes…”

“Mamma, can I come with you?”

I wasn’t too surprised to not hear him asking me to NOT TO DO IT or any such emotional pleas. He was too practical for that. I knew that by now.

“As long as you wanna be with me, you will be with me. I will not separate you from your father. This is between a husband and wife and I don’t want you to be affected in this.”

“No amma, I want to be with you genuinely. You are the one who takes care of me and looks after all my things. I will be happy with you. I will shift with you.”

It was a full stop for him. I knew it. I understood, his innocent calculation within him. Nothing emotional; he was just being practical.

As always, his father just repeated, “I have nothing to say.”

Sad….as I could hear the l’il one again,

“Mamma, when are we shifting?”

We will...

Dear Amma...

I know that I have hurt you immensely by being open about my pain. For first time ever in my life, I have been true to my own personal feelings. It might have come as a shock to you and you find it difficult to accept or agree. My mistake, that I always tried to fake my emotions; but believe me amma, it was always for to keep you away from any sorrow. You have always believed that whatever I did was for the right, then why not this time. Why are you not able to trust me and give me the chance to find happiness.

I never or would ever tell that my mother is a failure. You have been a successful mother to grow her kids in this way; that your children till date only try to ensure your happiness before their own. But as they say, nothing could be perfect. When you took care of the family, society and the public interests…you missed some small details. ‘My heart’ was one of it. Please don’t take what I am saying here as a blame or an argument…But it’s a truth I am being honest about…

My efforts to never hurt you, you misunderstood them as my happiness. Come what it be, whenever I hid any pain I had gone thru, it was always for the fear that it would hurt you. Maybe, I was immature to think so. Even when I faced the worst pain during childhood from our so-called relative, I never opened up to you and instead suffered within. The trauma that it brought to me as a child and a woman, you can never imagine. Still, finally when I had the courage to talk about it to you recently, I again tend to lighten up the topic so as to not stress you. It wasn’t bcoz I was not affected; But for me, I could bear the pain it had inflicted on me; but cud not bear to hurt you.

Today I can trust NO man and instead, I take up everything to myself. I behave like a man and does everything myself. I tried to do everything to keep you safe. I hid all the pain that I had gone through due dad’s irresponsibility or my husband’s fakeness. I felt it was better for me to handle it than put you under more pressure.

I never blamed you nor will I ever. I know that you grew up in that manner and I will not expect to see something in you that you urself has never seen. But it hurts me so badly that why am I not able to adjust and accept things that I am unhappy about, like I always did until today.

The agony I have put myself in now, the divorce procedure is not an enjoyment for me. Its an effort to bring in some peace in myself. If it was anything else, I could have got any pleasure without creating any issues to anybody. I could have lived a parallel life any time. But now, I feel, its time that I live my days without hiding, acting or adjusting.

I don’t want my son to learn that adjusting without being happy is acceptable. He should know, adjust only till the moment you are happy with it. If I am not happy, I can never keep anybody happy. I will only spoil my kid’s life. Its time for me to take care of myself and be happy. That will connect me more with the life. I am fighting a battle, with myself and with the people I care for the most. It hurts, it kills me.

I want my son to grow up into a humane human being. He should understand the value and importance of love. All that I am trying is to make him understand that and not to spoil his life. I am confident that I will do my best to bring the best out in him, ofcourse with his father’s support. And not with the fake pride he is trying to hold to show the world that all is well. All is NOT well. I am not well. I will do everything to ensure my son grows up happy and healthy and for that I should my own happiness.

U might not see what I am trying to show; but still, maybe someday. I don’t want to destroy anybody's life, neither my parents nor my husband neither mine. It took a lot of pain and courage for me to say many things in front of u all. You might never understand it, as its me who was affected. Your threshold of understanding, accepting and compromising is much higher than me, maybe. I am not saying your son-in-law is a bad person, I have never said that. But, we can never keep each other happy in its true sense. Him taking effort or me taking effort will always be temporary as it is not from heart but due force. Today or tomorrow, it will go back to what it was. I have seen him "ready to do anything" and then just flipping within days. You are seeing it just today. But the trust has been broken. Finding happiness in watching a movie or going to a restaurant is not whatI want amma. I want to be peaceful and feel no hatred within me. I have been living long with it ...for many people that came across my life. Nothing against you or anybody. But if i dont think about myself atleast now; my son will lose his mother to be a woman with no substance. I know you are worried about my future; but my future will be safe only if I am happy. I dont want to live facing disgust and hatred. For you, my words might sound meaningless, arrogant and selfish. For me, its about facing myself without fear of the world. I know, for this I will lose my whole family as I can see that. But from bottom of my heart, I am sorry for hurting you.

You don’t have to support me., but atleast try to understand me. For once, keep away all that you have learnt these years about the society and life and try to see your daughter the way she is. Today, I am not acting anymore. I am showing my sorrow, anger, frustration etc as it is. Be with me to change all this to happiness, the pure one. That’s all I need from you. Rest all the blocks and battles, I will fight. I cant fight against you, it will kill me. Please.

With lots of love... 

I am MY Priority...

It takes a lot of courage to face some bitter facts about life. Each individual who are surviving in this competitive world; tend to take many things for granted. For their own convenience, many things are assumed and a self-confirmation is affirmed deep within that all that we have thought of is what the reality is. Things go fine as long as the pattern of life does not change and it goes through the same monotonous routine that one is so deeply used to. But the moment, the pattern is disrupted by any force, be internal or external… the possibilities for some new revelations are very high. Either it would break your self-affirmations or confirm that they were always right.

Personally, I was always loud about the fact that, I might never be understood as the real me. For the fake me seemed to be so real to the world around, that they might not even be ready to acknowledge that ‘what they see is not the real me.’ I have repeatedly heard from friends and others that, ‘What ever be, my family would stand by me.’ For some strange reason, I never could build such a confidence in me. No offences meant, but my family was always orthodox and could never come out of the constraints they grew up with. So, any negative factors were to be faced, I avoided confronting it publicly and rather found comfortability by adapting myself to the factor.

It hurt me or not, never mattered as my priority was my family and my parents and brother was my family. It never changed. Eventually my son too took his place in that list. In the course of life, at various stages, I gave up many things…Things that I felt would give me happiness…I left them to choose something else that was approvable by my family. Be it my education or my career or my life.

I left my education at a stage when it was growing beautifully to ward off some harsh difficulties away from my family. I ignored my dream career to satisfy and comfort my family’s fears. I cheated my love to keep safe my family’s pride. I never felt they were sacrifices and felt they were part of my responsibilities… Until…

For every person, there is a threshold of mental acceptance. To accept and adapt to anything, never meant that it would be lifelong. Even the strongest elastic could break with the worst force. As time flew, I could see that my elasticity was reducing and I was getting weaker by every other day. Tiny pieces of ME was keeping me together as I went on to accept and agree to everything that I was NOT happy about. Did I have choice, I never thought of one.

Recently, one fine day, the tiny connections broke, letting me loose. I didn’t have any more loose ends to tie me up strong enough to accept what I would not have accepted otherwise. I gave up. On myself, on those things I put up with and even to the life I was living… For the first time ever, I confronted the issue rather than pushing it below the sleeves.

Moments of realisation. All my life, I proclaimed that Maturity is when you expect only yourself at the end of the road…But the pain that gushed through me that specific day showed me that NO, I was not matured enough to practice what I always preached. At some deepest corner of my heart, I expected atleast one of them to see me as I am. I expected that there would be atleast on person to stand up for me. There would be that one person who would give me the courage and confidence to pass the dark phase of life…

Today, I am standing all alone. Amidst the very group of family who I always kept as my priority, I suddenly stood frozen, finding it difficult to accept some realities of life. I saw every single person standing up for one person or another. But saw none by my side. Repeatedly, I looked hard to prove myself that I am wrong and indeed there is someone with me.

With a hard heart, I realised…I was never a Priority… or atleast, I never could be one ever….  What you did for them, never mattered. All that mattered was their current priorities. What I missed was nothing compared to what I revealed now. I had decided to show them the real me and face the truth without a mask, and I was left stranded.

People say, never expect. But can love be ever done without expectations. Maybe, I am not so matured enough to be so as I had expectations. Not to stand by me but atleast for a word of understanding.

Today, I am in real form growing up or in the process to start accepting things in its true self. I stopped faking anything. I decided to confront and for that today I am standing in a battle field with my own family right across me. Maybe temporary for them, but I have decided not to give up any more. Not to give up happiness for whom I was never a priority. I love everybody a lot; but its time I love myself too. I want to assure myself that even if there is none, I am there for me. I might sound selfish and self-centered and arrogant. But, yes, I am…

I am MY Priority…

God, be with me...

He is one of the most innocent kid I have ever seen. The most carefree and lucky go living child. The world could be shaking on one side and he might not even notice to care. But, if he missed his i-pad time, he would feel so depressed. But then, from this small one, I have heard many a times some real strong statements that made me think again and again. “Was he really saying that?” “Did he just say that?”… But before, I could even ponder on these questions, he would be back to his old self of being funny cheeky monkey.

Our mornings start with some really senseless conversations (yes, it was always senseless for atleast one of us) … While I was busy in the kitchen preparing breakfast, he would be sitting and having some silly questions or we would share anything that we remembered at that point.  Today, it was no special day. Just like any other day, we started off a normal early morning discussions. As he argued on the breakfast choices he had, I knew I had to shift his focus. Else he would go on crib on the Dosa he had to eat. I asked him a question that I had heard on the radio a day before. I told him that I wanted to see the perspective of a child in that context.

“Why do we say falling in love and why not rising in love?” and as always, he had an immediate answer.

“Amma, u see…. Love is a trap, and can anybody rise in a trap? People fall into traps… So its right to say Falling in Love…”

Dumbstruck, I spoke, “Hey, how can you say love is a trap. Love is a divine feeling baby. People feel happy and content in love. Yes, there could be pain. But if you are in love with the right person, then there is nothing more sweeter…”

“But amma, I don’t want to love or marry. Why take risk?”

“No, baby, its not so. As you grow up, you will understand how beautiful it is and you will be able to feel the goodness in it.”

“Yeah yeah, you got married to dad. And what happened? You fell in a trap. Where is dad loving you or where is you loving him? You both are not happy. Then why do you have to be in a trap. I don’t want to be in such a trap. Never”

Shocked, I wanted to cry… I realised the damage that an unhappy marriage had done on my son’s thought process. Years of my marriage was endured without LOVE for the sake of my child. I wanted him to live in a family. I wanted him not to see a broken marriage. But, I realised, how much ever we adults try hiding the truth, kids are observant about the reality. They see and notice what is real and what is fake. As a husband and wife, his parents never had any fights or arguments. Neither he saw the outpour of romance or love between them. He knew, things were not the way it was supposed to be….

I had to regain myself to not let him know my thought process. "Baby, not all relations are so. There is nothing wrong with amma's marriage. Its just that we are not like others. But that doesn't mean, all marriages are like ours. As you grow up, you will understand, what I meant. You will find that special person in your life, will fall in love and marry her and live happily ever after. Till then, never have such negative thoughts about anything."

I always wanted my son to grow up into a gentleman, a human being with love, care and passion to others. I wanted him to never hide his feelings and wanted to express his emotions. Maybe, there was a fear within me that the genes he might have inherited from his father could make him otherwise… People close to me always said, ‘He is still small. Don’t judge him.’ But, I kept worrying. With this conversation, my worry was taking a shape of reality.

I had to take my step. I wanted him to know that life and love is not a trap. Rather, it SHOULD NOT be a trap. People should have choices and should fight for their own happiness. If not till today, henceforth, his mother will fight for it. So should he or any other individual that could come into his life in the future. Only then, will he be able to respect other’s feelings and emotions.  I had to teach him this one big truth about life.

Finally, I made up my mind. I knew the step I gonna make now will break me apart. Will break many people around me. I might lose everything that I held close until today. But I had to do it. For myself and for my son. I would not want another female years later having the same complaints I had until today about life. I will do my bit now. Rest, let time decide. Let god decide what was in the destiny. But without doing my bit, I am no longer leaving my life to fate.

God, be with me…

Question with no answer...

Many a times, I have wondered, why am I doing this again and again to myself. I keep portraying being happy, when in real I am nowhere near happiness. The vacation to India for my grandfather’s death anniversary added the last straw into my level of frustration. I keep ignoring things telling its not your problem, but theirs. Even the advice I got on this was always same. But then, how can it not be my problem, when I am supposed or rather expected to be part of them.

Its after years of my marriage that I knew that my mother in law was never happy with my marriage to his son. But, as it says, once after marriage everything should be ok. Afterall I had always tried to win her approval by giving my best in being a good daughter in law. As years passed by, I realised it was only bringing more negativity into me than any positivity in her towards me. She never liked me involving in “their” family matters and never liked any of the gifts that I would select and buy for her.

Constantly, I got her gifts, which with time, I started giving her an impression were her son’s selection and not mine. I could evidently see the way she flipped in her liking or disliking to any gift as per the person who selected the gift. It hurt, but I was trying to keep it off. As always, my husband took a back step, whenever I needed some sort of assurance or support to not take these things to heart. He kept flipping too, like a tennis ball from one court to another. I kept phrasing him, ‘Na ghar ka na ghaat ka.’ With time, me going to India became so minimal and rare that going to their place was close to none. My trips were always for a purpose and no travel prolonged for more than 3 days; mostly flying in and out within a span of 2-3days.

Anyways, this time, the travel was for 10days. Being the me, I proposed to go to her home and stay their for a day and then I could take my mother in law out for shopping etc (for she was always adamant to ensure that money was spent on her). The plan that I had proposed to her was to go over to her place and stay there and next day to visit a temple a bit away from her house to attend some family function. She said she will come back to me once she speak to her younger son.

Once reaching India, I called her to confirm the plan. Now, she had come up with a new plan that she wanted to be at the temple before 6am to see all temple rituals early morning. This sounded a bit too tricky considering the distance we might need to travel, getting a transportation, getting ready so early in morning etc (especially with the limited amenities that was in their house). I proposed to take a lodging near the temple and so that we could go there the previous night and stay. This would make it easier for both of us to get ready early morning and visit the temple fresh. She agreed and said again that she will come back to me on it.

4 days before the event, I called her up to confirm and to see if I can go ahead and arrange for lodging. She responded immediately, “You go and stay there. I will come with my son the next day. We have no problem getting up early and travelling.” Next statement was shocking more than surprising, “Between if you are planning to meet your mother in law in a hotel, then I am warning you, I will not come for the function.” I was taken aback by the way she put the whole thing in.

As I tried to talk to her, she went on with more of her tantrums and threatening of how a daughter in law should behave. She mentioned how she was accepting me inspite of all the flaws I had (her unhappiness was always for the fact that I came from a family who could offer no riches during marriage). I had had enough as I sternly responded, “If I can come to home and be there, I would surely come. But that will not be for fear of your threatening, but my personal wish. So please don’t try to threaten to make me do things. Same as you said, you don’t have to act any empathy or love to me, I am also no longer obliged to act.” She spat every swearing words she could and cut the call.

I sat there and cried as I saw the years that I had tried to please her and her sons to bring harmony and love in this relation. The whole thing was a failure. To add up,  my husband called to confirm how a daughter in law is expected to behave and whatever they did or did not do, I should be doing everything that the public would expect from me. I realised, this man could never stand up for neither his mother nor wife. He only knew to keep himself safe and his face clean in front of public. Why would I need to accept it again and again. “If there is a single soul back at your home who is waiting to see me, I will go. Can you assure me about even one such person?” I knew the answer and was not at all amused when he said, “It would be right that nobody is waiting for you there. But as a daughter in law, the people will ask why is the daughter in law not visiting and we would need to give an answer.”

I laughed. With a thud, I heard him disconnecting the call when I asked him my simple question. I knew, he would never have an answer…

“All expectations and duties would always be on the daughter in law and her to fulfil them. Isn’t it her right to expect something from her mother-in law? Can’t she expect a least bit of love or respect in return?”

Why can't I expect??? 

A Question with no answer...

An Open Letter...

From the day, I started this new account on fb...there are thoughts dragging me down on WHY did I open the account. The strong me is not letting me to give up. But the way, some behave keeps me thinking on how low humanity has stooped. People have no issues in behaving any which way they wanted to. I prefer a privacy to my personal life, but the profession I was in needed social media interaction. After much thought, I am drafting the below for the sake of letting all of those who misunderstand or rather misread me...

I owe none a justification for my Values & priorities…Bcoz this is my life & that is the ONLY explanation you need.

I am Not a celebrity, so I can give NO autographs…

I am Not a teenager, so I don’t fall for sugar words…

I am Not single, so absolutely not ready to mingle…

I am Not desperate, so not interested in flirting…

I am Not lonely, so I don’t want any affairs…

So dear friends, please understand that,

I am in FB purely for professional reasons and not to make or break relations…

I have my love with me as my support system, hence not looking out for a new one…

I am being respectful to you as I was taught by my parents to be so…

I respond to your messages is me just being courteous and not that I find a prospective ‘lover’ in you…

Just bcoz I am Online, doesn’t mean I am available for your filthy fantasies or any affairs…

I am a normal human being who likes to live a decent life; happy and peaceful. So please don’t try to disrupt it with your eccentricities and misconceptions….

I am ME and please talk to me only if you can understand, accept and respect me…

If not, I will be more than happy to not have you on the friends list…

I am learning and growing, Let me live…

Live and Let Live…

Happy Reunion Day...

I had to believe, what others always said.  He wouldn’t come back. But now, I was seeing him right in front of me. My beloved grandpa, my appups. He was no more the old  white haired man, but surprisingly, he had black hair and a very young face. I could recognise him from all those old pictures of his that hung on the walls of his home. I tried to see if I was dreaming, am I sleeping? No it was for real. He was there., right there.

I ran to him and hugged him. I didn’t want to lose a single moment to not feel his presence to the fullest. I have been missing him the past one year.  I was holding his hand, shoulder, face and was again and again trying to make myself believe that it was indeed not a dream. His face seemed smiling and he was slowly walking around the home.  I literally, stuck myself to him as I held his arms tight.  

But as we walked, I was noticing that there were changes in him. His hair was slowly turning white and his body thickness was slowly going off. I could now recognise the appups that I always knew. I understood that maybe this was his last visit to his home, the home he built with his hard work. Maybe, he was paving this visit to see his children. Maybe it was time for him to leave.

For first time, I was accepting the reality. He is gone, and he will never come back. I am seeing him now, maybe for the last time, so better I use it to the fullest. I kept hugging him and to get his distinct smell, the smell of some ayurvedic medicine that he used on his head after every bath. I wanted his touch to stay in my hand. I was rushing myself. I was trying to smile.  

With eyes wide open I could see that he was gone. I knew without anybody telling, that the last rites for the peace of his soul was already conducted by his children, far away at the holy place. The rituals for his first death anniversary was complete and he had bid a farewell.

As I stared at my empty hand, I realised…the touch was gone. Trying hard to get the smell I was trying to save for future, I could feel the emptiness in the air… I smiled, laughed and then cried. I smiled to feel that he came to see me before he left. I laughed to realise that I was trying to make myself believe that all that was not a dream. I cried to believe that indeed, He is gone and I can never see him again…

But, I am happy….after a long time, I felt him as if he was real. At no point, I felt it was not.

It’s one year, since I lost my Appups. Past one year, I am trying hard to get in terms with the reality called Death. I am miserably trying to accept and agree the facts of losing someone who you love the most. I am being selfish, I realise… But, yes, its true… I have lost him…The heart that looked forward to see me, for whom I flew back to that city. The city has lost its warmth, for now he’s no longer there, I realise. The warm hug that I loved to have, the lap that I had a place always, the voice that always made me feel special and the eyes that had the naughtiest smile…I lost it all. I would never see him at the doorsteps of that home nor hear him on the other end of the phone.

"Dear Appups, They still say, that it was best for you to leave then… Then why am I not able to selflessly understand and accept that what happened was for your good? Why am I feeling so upset whenever I try to accept the truth of death? Why am I not able to think that you are in a better place? Why are my eyes not agreeing to stay calm, every time I think of you? Why is my heart not ready to stop getting hurt while missing you? For the pain is bad, extremely bad…

They say, it’s not good for you if I am being so. It would make your journey difficult. I am sorry, appuppa. But please know, I am trying hard to be the strong girl you want me to be. I love you and miss you a lot…Just ensure to be around for me whenever I need your warmth. Take care appuppa, wherever you are…Muaaaahhh….

I know appuppa, you would be now, calling me “Idiot”. Yes, I have not changed much. But still, I am trying; so, help me. From today, I want to think of this day as the day you re-united with Ammumma and your parents. Hope you are having happy days there. So, wishing you a Happy Reunion Day, Appuppa…Love you…"

Through my eyes...

Her eyes met his, for the first time as they walked down the distance between them. “A smile could cover miles,” she believed. Embarrassingly she realised that she didn’t return the smile he threw at her. Was she weird to giggle on the first sight. Who cares! He wasn’t sure what to say, all he could do was to smile. She looked mostly like he thought, yet he watched her carefully.

Together, they sat by the water bed. Hot and humid, but the light breeze that touched them from the waters helped. With words spoken, they were knowing each other. Both wondered, how they had so much to talk about NOTHING! Yet, they laughed and giggled. With a backdrop of shimmering lights, a camera lens gave a cute click of their shadow overlooking them.

Two strangers, who never met or spoke before, on that full moon day, was talking about everything around except them. They knew, they were both deliberately speaking nothing about themselves. They were slowly recognising the common string they were tied up with. Till today, they were running away from it and today it has brought two complete strangers together. It was pulling them closer. What was it that bound them?

Memories… The memories they built within them were neither great to be cherished nor sweet enough to let them live away from it. Things of the past was haunting their present and they knew it was the same for the other too. And this was their binding force. The very memories they wanted to run away from had today played a fairy tale trick in their life. Fantasy, it may sound, was what they wanted and that was exactly what they were creating in this new-found relation.

He was getting acquainted to her memory book with every passing day. He turned the pages randomly and wasn’t comfortable with what he read. He would close the book often and made sure he wouldn’t open it too often. Why would someone open a chapter that brought in discomfort when there were so much better options, he believed. It was nothing different for her either. She purposefully kept his memory book closed as she too knew, the memories of today was much beautiful than those of the past.

Together they had made up their mind already to create a new book of Memories. They knew, what the pages should have. It would be a mix of friendship, love, fun, laughter and just a pinch of tears. This moment, this very moment was what they wanted to live. Without the pain of yesterday and the fear of tomorrow, they started living a today. They filled their book with pages of today; with a picture of the moments they shared on every page.

They knew, some day tomorrow… Wherever they would be, when they flip through these pages, it would only bring smiles. Neither they had explanations to the world around nor questions to the world within. They cared less and lived more. Deliberately, they avoided the questions of “What” and “How long”; instead asked “When” and “Where” and they stood by it. They treated every day of their life together as their last day. Hence, they left no room for regrets. They lived through them laughing out loud. Their book had more Emojis than any Whatsapp chat could have.

*

As I sat here smiling to their joy and crying to their tears, I knew they were right in their own way. Afterall, I wasn’t good to them all this while, rather, my predecessors were not just to them. Hence, they had all rights to be happy the way they were. There was No name for their relation; they didn’t want one. They felt it would bring confusions and will spoil the beauty of whatever they shared. The world was blind to understand and categorise them. But I knew it well, as I could see it good enough to realise the value of their togetherness.

I saw no ‘he’ or ‘she’. I saw two individuals creating a single soul through their dreams. I felt good as their life unfolded together. I was enjoying every moment of this new life witnessing everything they saw together. The dazzling lights, the shivering trees, the dancing waves kept me amused. The humid air, the cold breeze, the hushing sounds kept me obvious to the present. I loved to watch them build me up and then keep me close to their heart.

You might wonder, Who am I? I am the child of their life together. Born from their love and friendship, I was their beautiful creation. Every day they lived, I grew bigger and stronger. Their togetherness was my identity. Their relation was my foundation. I existed far away, yet lived within them. I am their breath and their life and you can call me their Memory, today’s memory… And this is through my eyes…

Signing off with lots of love and joy

Their loving Memory…

She was wrong...

12 years…long 12 years…indeed, years does fly, but did moments? No. For her, No moments flew. Infact she was 'so ungracious maybe' to claim that she have had literally no moments to cherish…in this ‘so called’ bond she had been trying to fulfill in the past 12 years. People might feel she is a rebel. But now, she wanted to be true to the world about some true facts about her life. She was not sure, if she will get penalised further for being true. As for now, yes, she was getting penalised. All that remained was to put her in a Jail, which she felt would have been a much better way to punish …

She lived 12 years of her life in a relationship filled with everything other than LOVE. Unfortunately, that relation was named MARRIAGE by this society. She recently got this comment that “Don’t try to self-victimize”… She was not nor she wanted to, but that was the truth. She didn’t know, if what she wanted to announce meant anything to anybody around her. For, she grew up seeing a society which taught the girls to adjust with what they have rather than demand anything stupid and 'Heart meant stupid'. Practicality was the more real thing.

As each day pass by, the endurance level was going down and the limits to agree and accept the society norms were almost reaching to the stage of nil. She had started fearing the worst and one of the worst being taking a decision to end her own life. She had choices, didn’t she? Really, did she have choices??? Ok, maybe the options that one can suggest from outside would be couple. “If you are not happy, then why endure, GET OUT”. Or maybe, “ADJUST, a little bit of adjustment is required in every relation.”

Her husband was not a bad person. If bad meant Alcoholist, Womaniser, Cruel type as you see in movies… 

Its just that he believed,

“LOVE IS only something that Cinemas and TV Soaps promote. Real life is not so.”

“When wife is doing everything, then why move my ass.”

“This is my comfort zone and I am NOT moving out of it.”

“Doesn’t matter, what my wife go through, as long as I am not disturbed by any frenzy.”

And above all, “It doesn’t matter what happens within house, but in public I SHOULD have a wife, child and a very nice-sweet image”….

Was that harsh? But this is what she has realised or seen during the 12 years… Repeatedly, she tried making her ‘good’ husband understand what the actual problem in their relation was. WHY there was NO love or respect reflecting between them? It never made much of a difference, as she was very good at adjusting and acting in front of the public that “ALL WAS WELL”… and he had grown up learning to take things for granted… She could be taken for granted very well and so it went on.

After a stage of life…FATHER_MOTHER replaced the HUSBAND_WIFE that had long disappeared. She believed maybe that would take them together for the rest of the life, rather drag her through. But now… She started feeling… MAYBE, she was wrong… Maybe??? NO!!! Its not maybe… SHE WAS...

SHE WAS WRONG…

But, do I have...

Life seems fast and happening…but is this what I want…

Time to pause and think…For what is it that I want…

I knew, the world walked around with a fake face…

But, do I have all that it need, to live this phase…

The glittering lights and the bright shiny rooms…

The flashy clicks as the loud applauds booms…

I knew, the world was watching close with smiles…

But, do I have all that wish, to walk these miles…

Yes, I smiled and smiled as I walked forward…

As my heart pounded like a little coward…

I knew, the world would see nothing beneath…

But, do I have all that will, to just bequeath…

Everything anew as it masked within the real me…

As a quicker route to the time I yearned to see…

I knew, the world would frown on this change...

But, do I have all that heart to care, isn't that strange…