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Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Happy Reunion Day...

I had to believe, what others always said.  He wouldn’t come back. But now, I was seeing him right in front of me. My beloved grandpa, my appups. He was no more the old  white haired man, but surprisingly, he had black hair and a very young face. I could recognise him from all those old pictures of his that hung on the walls of his home. I tried to see if I was dreaming, am I sleeping? No it was for real. He was there., right there.

I ran to him and hugged him. I didn’t want to lose a single moment to not feel his presence to the fullest. I have been missing him the past one year.  I was holding his hand, shoulder, face and was again and again trying to make myself believe that it was indeed not a dream. His face seemed smiling and he was slowly walking around the home.  I literally, stuck myself to him as I held his arms tight.  

But as we walked, I was noticing that there were changes in him. His hair was slowly turning white and his body thickness was slowly going off. I could now recognise the appups that I always knew. I understood that maybe this was his last visit to his home, the home he built with his hard work. Maybe, he was paving this visit to see his children. Maybe it was time for him to leave.

For first time, I was accepting the reality. He is gone, and he will never come back. I am seeing him now, maybe for the last time, so better I use it to the fullest. I kept hugging him and to get his distinct smell, the smell of some ayurvedic medicine that he used on his head after every bath. I wanted his touch to stay in my hand. I was rushing myself. I was trying to smile.  

With eyes wide open I could see that he was gone. I knew without anybody telling, that the last rites for the peace of his soul was already conducted by his children, far away at the holy place. The rituals for his first death anniversary was complete and he had bid a farewell.

As I stared at my empty hand, I realised…the touch was gone. Trying hard to get the smell I was trying to save for future, I could feel the emptiness in the air… I smiled, laughed and then cried. I smiled to feel that he came to see me before he left. I laughed to realise that I was trying to make myself believe that all that was not a dream. I cried to believe that indeed, He is gone and I can never see him again…

But, I am happy….after a long time, I felt him as if he was real. At no point, I felt it was not.

It’s one year, since I lost my Appups. Past one year, I am trying hard to get in terms with the reality called Death. I am miserably trying to accept and agree the facts of losing someone who you love the most. I am being selfish, I realise… But, yes, its true… I have lost him…The heart that looked forward to see me, for whom I flew back to that city. The city has lost its warmth, for now he’s no longer there, I realise. The warm hug that I loved to have, the lap that I had a place always, the voice that always made me feel special and the eyes that had the naughtiest smile…I lost it all. I would never see him at the doorsteps of that home nor hear him on the other end of the phone.

"Dear Appups, They still say, that it was best for you to leave then… Then why am I not able to selflessly understand and accept that what happened was for your good? Why am I feeling so upset whenever I try to accept the truth of death? Why am I not able to think that you are in a better place? Why are my eyes not agreeing to stay calm, every time I think of you? Why is my heart not ready to stop getting hurt while missing you? For the pain is bad, extremely bad…

They say, it’s not good for you if I am being so. It would make your journey difficult. I am sorry, appuppa. But please know, I am trying hard to be the strong girl you want me to be. I love you and miss you a lot…Just ensure to be around for me whenever I need your warmth. Take care appuppa, wherever you are…Muaaaahhh….

I know appuppa, you would be now, calling me “Idiot”. Yes, I have not changed much. But still, I am trying; so, help me. From today, I want to think of this day as the day you re-united with Ammumma and your parents. Hope you are having happy days there. So, wishing you a Happy Reunion Day, Appuppa…Love you…"