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Sunday, October 1, 2017

I am MY Priority...

It takes a lot of courage to face some bitter facts about life. Each individual who are surviving in this competitive world; tend to take many things for granted. For their own convenience, many things are assumed and a self-confirmation is affirmed deep within that all that we have thought of is what the reality is. Things go fine as long as the pattern of life does not change and it goes through the same monotonous routine that one is so deeply used to. But the moment, the pattern is disrupted by any force, be internal or external… the possibilities for some new revelations are very high. Either it would break your self-affirmations or confirm that they were always right.

Personally, I was always loud about the fact that, I might never be understood as the real me. For the fake me seemed to be so real to the world around, that they might not even be ready to acknowledge that ‘what they see is not the real me.’ I have repeatedly heard from friends and others that, ‘What ever be, my family would stand by me.’ For some strange reason, I never could build such a confidence in me. No offences meant, but my family was always orthodox and could never come out of the constraints they grew up with. So, any negative factors were to be faced, I avoided confronting it publicly and rather found comfortability by adapting myself to the factor.

It hurt me or not, never mattered as my priority was my family and my parents and brother was my family. It never changed. Eventually my son too took his place in that list. In the course of life, at various stages, I gave up many things…Things that I felt would give me happiness…I left them to choose something else that was approvable by my family. Be it my education or my career or my life.

I left my education at a stage when it was growing beautifully to ward off some harsh difficulties away from my family. I ignored my dream career to satisfy and comfort my family’s fears. I cheated my love to keep safe my family’s pride. I never felt they were sacrifices and felt they were part of my responsibilities… Until…

For every person, there is a threshold of mental acceptance. To accept and adapt to anything, never meant that it would be lifelong. Even the strongest elastic could break with the worst force. As time flew, I could see that my elasticity was reducing and I was getting weaker by every other day. Tiny pieces of ME was keeping me together as I went on to accept and agree to everything that I was NOT happy about. Did I have choice, I never thought of one.

Recently, one fine day, the tiny connections broke, letting me loose. I didn’t have any more loose ends to tie me up strong enough to accept what I would not have accepted otherwise. I gave up. On myself, on those things I put up with and even to the life I was living… For the first time ever, I confronted the issue rather than pushing it below the sleeves.

Moments of realisation. All my life, I proclaimed that Maturity is when you expect only yourself at the end of the road…But the pain that gushed through me that specific day showed me that NO, I was not matured enough to practice what I always preached. At some deepest corner of my heart, I expected atleast one of them to see me as I am. I expected that there would be atleast on person to stand up for me. There would be that one person who would give me the courage and confidence to pass the dark phase of life…

Today, I am standing all alone. Amidst the very group of family who I always kept as my priority, I suddenly stood frozen, finding it difficult to accept some realities of life. I saw every single person standing up for one person or another. But saw none by my side. Repeatedly, I looked hard to prove myself that I am wrong and indeed there is someone with me.

With a hard heart, I realised…I was never a Priority… or atleast, I never could be one ever….  What you did for them, never mattered. All that mattered was their current priorities. What I missed was nothing compared to what I revealed now. I had decided to show them the real me and face the truth without a mask, and I was left stranded.

People say, never expect. But can love be ever done without expectations. Maybe, I am not so matured enough to be so as I had expectations. Not to stand by me but atleast for a word of understanding.

Today, I am in real form growing up or in the process to start accepting things in its true self. I stopped faking anything. I decided to confront and for that today I am standing in a battle field with my own family right across me. Maybe temporary for them, but I have decided not to give up any more. Not to give up happiness for whom I was never a priority. I love everybody a lot; but its time I love myself too. I want to assure myself that even if there is none, I am there for me. I might sound selfish and self-centered and arrogant. But, yes, I am…

I am MY Priority…

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