Dear Amma...

I know that I have hurt you immensely by being open about my pain. For first time ever in my life, I have been true to my own personal feelings. It might have come as a shock to you and you find it difficult to accept or agree. My mistake, that I always tried to fake my emotions; but believe me amma, it was always for to keep you away from any sorrow. You have always believed that whatever I did was for the right, then why not this time. Why are you not able to trust me and give me the chance to find happiness.

I never or would ever tell that my mother is a failure. You have been a successful mother to grow her kids in this way; that your children till date only try to ensure your happiness before their own. But as they say, nothing could be perfect. When you took care of the family, society and the public interests…you missed some small details. ‘My heart’ was one of it. Please don’t take what I am saying here as a blame or an argument…But it’s a truth I am being honest about…

My efforts to never hurt you, you misunderstood them as my happiness. Come what it be, whenever I hid any pain I had gone thru, it was always for the fear that it would hurt you. Maybe, I was immature to think so. Even when I faced the worst pain during childhood from our so-called relative, I never opened up to you and instead suffered within. The trauma that it brought to me as a child and a woman, you can never imagine. Still, finally when I had the courage to talk about it to you recently, I again tend to lighten up the topic so as to not stress you. It wasn’t bcoz I was not affected; But for me, I could bear the pain it had inflicted on me; but cud not bear to hurt you.

Today I can trust NO man and instead, I take up everything to myself. I behave like a man and does everything myself. I tried to do everything to keep you safe. I hid all the pain that I had gone through due dad’s irresponsibility or my husband’s fakeness. I felt it was better for me to handle it than put you under more pressure.

I never blamed you nor will I ever. I know that you grew up in that manner and I will not expect to see something in you that you urself has never seen. But it hurts me so badly that why am I not able to adjust and accept things that I am unhappy about, like I always did until today.

The agony I have put myself in now, the divorce procedure is not an enjoyment for me. Its an effort to bring in some peace in myself. If it was anything else, I could have got any pleasure without creating any issues to anybody. I could have lived a parallel life any time. But now, I feel, its time that I live my days without hiding, acting or adjusting.

I don’t want my son to learn that adjusting without being happy is acceptable. He should know, adjust only till the moment you are happy with it. If I am not happy, I can never keep anybody happy. I will only spoil my kid’s life. Its time for me to take care of myself and be happy. That will connect me more with the life. I am fighting a battle, with myself and with the people I care for the most. It hurts, it kills me.

I want my son to grow up into a humane human being. He should understand the value and importance of love. All that I am trying is to make him understand that and not to spoil his life. I am confident that I will do my best to bring the best out in him, ofcourse with his father’s support. And not with the fake pride he is trying to hold to show the world that all is well. All is NOT well. I am not well. I will do everything to ensure my son grows up happy and healthy and for that I should my own happiness.

U might not see what I am trying to show; but still, maybe someday. I don’t want to destroy anybody's life, neither my parents nor my husband neither mine. It took a lot of pain and courage for me to say many things in front of u all. You might never understand it, as its me who was affected. Your threshold of understanding, accepting and compromising is much higher than me, maybe. I am not saying your son-in-law is a bad person, I have never said that. But, we can never keep each other happy in its true sense. Him taking effort or me taking effort will always be temporary as it is not from heart but due force. Today or tomorrow, it will go back to what it was. I have seen him "ready to do anything" and then just flipping within days. You are seeing it just today. But the trust has been broken. Finding happiness in watching a movie or going to a restaurant is not whatI want amma. I want to be peaceful and feel no hatred within me. I have been living long with it ...for many people that came across my life. Nothing against you or anybody. But if i dont think about myself atleast now; my son will lose his mother to be a woman with no substance. I know you are worried about my future; but my future will be safe only if I am happy. I dont want to live facing disgust and hatred. For you, my words might sound meaningless, arrogant and selfish. For me, its about facing myself without fear of the world. I know, for this I will lose my whole family as I can see that. But from bottom of my heart, I am sorry for hurting you.

You don’t have to support me., but atleast try to understand me. For once, keep away all that you have learnt these years about the society and life and try to see your daughter the way she is. Today, I am not acting anymore. I am showing my sorrow, anger, frustration etc as it is. Be with me to change all this to happiness, the pure one. That’s all I need from you. Rest all the blocks and battles, I will fight. I cant fight against you, it will kill me. Please.

With lots of love...