God, be with me...

He is one of the most innocent kid I have ever seen. The most carefree and lucky go living child. The world could be shaking on one side and he might not even notice to care. But, if he missed his i-pad time, he would feel so depressed. But then, from this small one, I have heard many a times some real strong statements that made me think again and again. “Was he really saying that?” “Did he just say that?”… But before, I could even ponder on these questions, he would be back to his old self of being funny cheeky monkey.

Our mornings start with some really senseless conversations (yes, it was always senseless for atleast one of us) … While I was busy in the kitchen preparing breakfast, he would be sitting and having some silly questions or we would share anything that we remembered at that point.  Today, it was no special day. Just like any other day, we started off a normal early morning discussions. As he argued on the breakfast choices he had, I knew I had to shift his focus. Else he would go on crib on the Dosa he had to eat. I asked him a question that I had heard on the radio a day before. I told him that I wanted to see the perspective of a child in that context.

“Why do we say falling in love and why not rising in love?” and as always, he had an immediate answer.

“Amma, u see…. Love is a trap, and can anybody rise in a trap? People fall into traps… So its right to say Falling in Love…”

Dumbstruck, I spoke, “Hey, how can you say love is a trap. Love is a divine feeling baby. People feel happy and content in love. Yes, there could be pain. But if you are in love with the right person, then there is nothing more sweeter…”

“But amma, I don’t want to love or marry. Why take risk?”

“No, baby, its not so. As you grow up, you will understand how beautiful it is and you will be able to feel the goodness in it.”

“Yeah yeah, you got married to dad. And what happened? You fell in a trap. Where is dad loving you or where is you loving him? You both are not happy. Then why do you have to be in a trap. I don’t want to be in such a trap. Never”

Shocked, I wanted to cry… I realised the damage that an unhappy marriage had done on my son’s thought process. Years of my marriage was endured without LOVE for the sake of my child. I wanted him to live in a family. I wanted him not to see a broken marriage. But, I realised, how much ever we adults try hiding the truth, kids are observant about the reality. They see and notice what is real and what is fake. As a husband and wife, his parents never had any fights or arguments. Neither he saw the outpour of romance or love between them. He knew, things were not the way it was supposed to be….

I had to regain myself to not let him know my thought process. "Baby, not all relations are so. There is nothing wrong with amma's marriage. Its just that we are not like others. But that doesn't mean, all marriages are like ours. As you grow up, you will understand, what I meant. You will find that special person in your life, will fall in love and marry her and live happily ever after. Till then, never have such negative thoughts about anything."

I always wanted my son to grow up into a gentleman, a human being with love, care and passion to others. I wanted him to never hide his feelings and wanted to express his emotions. Maybe, there was a fear within me that the genes he might have inherited from his father could make him otherwise… People close to me always said, ‘He is still small. Don’t judge him.’ But, I kept worrying. With this conversation, my worry was taking a shape of reality.

I had to take my step. I wanted him to know that life and love is not a trap. Rather, it SHOULD NOT be a trap. People should have choices and should fight for their own happiness. If not till today, henceforth, his mother will fight for it. So should he or any other individual that could come into his life in the future. Only then, will he be able to respect other’s feelings and emotions.  I had to teach him this one big truth about life.

Finally, I made up my mind. I knew the step I gonna make now will break me apart. Will break many people around me. I might lose everything that I held close until today. But I had to do it. For myself and for my son. I would not want another female years later having the same complaints I had until today about life. I will do my bit now. Rest, let time decide. Let god decide what was in the destiny. But without doing my bit, I am no longer leaving my life to fate.

God, be with me…