Learn the value...

Why? Why after this many years? Why Now?

A question that kept on rising… Maybe it was an eruption of a volcano. Something that was boiling deep within and just erupted one fine day. Even I had no answer for the question. I kept saying, I am just fed up. I cant anymore take a risk of giving another chance. Outsiders kept assuring and giving me promises that things will change, give another chance. Look for changes for another 6 months, another year… etc etc etc… People tend to forget that the experimentation is on my life.

But, every now and then I wondered. Why did I suddenly decide to say quits? Why now?  Why did I just give up without allowing another chance. Today, as I was all alone, lying down trying to do a rewind on the things that has been happening in my life… I slowly underlined a specific incident. I rounded off a specific picture that has been almost imprinted into my mind.

Though, we were no longer emotionally together, for our son we put up a good charade as a happily married couple. It was openly discussed years back and agreed that we will stay together for the well-being of our son and will ensure that he is properly taken care of. Many a times, I kept reminding him that the responsibilities he forgot to do as a husband, dare not forget to do as a father. To love and to take care of…

Every time he took the relation for granted, I warned him on how it could affect his relation with his son. I tried forcing him to do his bit so as to build his son’s trust atleast. As always, he felt it is all unnecessary and I was just trying to disrupt his otherwise smooth and calm lifestyle. He believed that he is the father, hence will always be regarded as one. He forgot that in this century, unless u do your bit, even your own child would not regard you. He ignored that unless he give, he wont get.

Vacation was always going back home and staying stuck there for him. After every school re-opening day, my son would come and say in awe about his friends’ vacation adventure. He never had any complaints. But, I knew, like any child, he too wished to travel and then brag about his vacation. Thus, after much debates, we flew out for a beach vacation. The idea was to do everything the way my son would enjoy.

One of the attraction was scuba diving.  Thus, we sailed out in a boat to the sea and got into the water. Amongst us, only he knew proper swimming. Wearing life jackets, we all enjoyed the sea. Amidst all the fun, suddenly I started feeling that I was being pulled down by the water. I started struggling to stay above water level, splashing my legs hard. My first instinct was to see if my son was safe.

Right next to me, I could see his head bobbing up and down trying to pull himself up. I looked for help and saw his father climbing the boat back. I kept pulling my son up as I tried hard to stay afloat. I called out for his father to come to us. I could see that we were drifting away from the boat.

Legs below started feeling helpless and I could hear my son saying, “Amma, I am drowning.” I looked at his father, who was on the boat already. I kept shouting, “Come here.” And he kept saying, “You come here.” I felt foolish expecting him to understand that I am not able to reach the boat. I could no longer think of him, for I had to ensure to drag my son up-to safety. 

By then, the boat crew threw the safety tube to us and I caught it and dragged my son too into it. We both were pulled up into the boat. From the crew we understood that it was high-tide and a storm was hitting the sea. As I sat there all wet and cold, my son hugged me and asked, “Amma, why didn’t father come to save us?” It was a hatred that was creeping in me. I pacified him saying maybe his father didn’t realise that we were in danger and assured him that come what may, his mother would be there for him.

Later that afternoon, due the storm, we got stranded off at an island for over an hour and was later taken back to the hotel. Through the rest of the journey, I kept quiet for I knew, if I opened my mouth, I might say something bitter. By the end of the boat journey, I turned to him and said,

“I don’t expect you to save your wife, but didn’t u feel any bad that u left even ur son in danger and saved urself. Inspite of my begging you to come, you didn’t feel any need to come for help.”

He had no answer. His explanation was that he thought I was asking him to come to click pictures. Later, my family too backed him giving him the benefit of doubt. I agree, maybe he did not realise we were in danger. Maybe he thought that I will take care of the situation. Maybe he felt, his son would be strong enough to swim back.

But, my question is and will always be one… “We were all together, having fun. When he knew the sea was getting rough, he swam back to safety. That moment, didn’t he feel that he should ensure that his son is back onboard than in the sea. Didn’t he believe that as a parent, our first responsibility was to take care of our child before our own life. From the boat he could see the sea was rough and the boat getting drifted off, didn’t he think that he should be jumping back into the water to ensure his son is not in trouble.”

Somehow, post that day, I have this one scene fixed in my thoughts. The picture of a father climbing a boat and just looking doing nothing. I now realise, it was this picture that has almost become inerasable and made me give up on my trust. How much ever I tried to forget it and forgive him, I am not able to do it. Our life together was for our son. But, when he failed to protect my son…. I could not anymore follow the drama.

I know, he loves his son so much. Maybe, he doesn’t know how to express it. Maybe, he will never know. But, I am not able to forgive him for running away that day… He might change now. Now that he realise what he lost due his self-centered nature, he might change. For I know, if he doesn’t change still, he will never get the love his son.

For me, it became a closed chapter. But, may this be a new beginning for him. He will always be in my prayers, for my son. May he learn from his past and start acting to be a father, a good father. May he learn the value of what he have and not earn its absence. Hope he realise the truth of love and life…

“When you take things for granted, the things you are granted get taken back.”

My Little Rascal...

An evening chit-chat...

"Amma, imagine...you are about to die. You are in the hospital bed. Just imagine,ok? You will not really die, just imagine. You are about to die."

"Hmmmmmm, ok?"...

"The doctor tells me that you are about to die and talk to her, anything for last time..."

"Okkkk?"

"Then I will come to you and ask you , 'Amma, what is your phone's password?'..."

A wide grin on the little rascal's face and a Sasi look on the amma's face....as he erupted into a loud chuckle and a non-stop giggle...

My little rascal...

My V Day...

Valentine’s day… Life has been a rough patch for some time now that I sort of ignore these special days… Afterall; what are they for. To increase the profit rate of some companies who rely on such days for their living. Ok; I am not being sarcastic. But, seriously, why do we need special days to celebrate relations. I have said this many times before too.

Now, the issue is… on these days I need to be extra careful on  what I talk or even wear… As there has been a tendency of people judging and asking… “Oh is it because it is ___ Day?” Oh, come on… NOOOO… I just happened to wear a red today. I was just picking it up on the way. I missed to bring lunch from home… and so on… hehe!! Anyways, I am not going into my displeasure of celebrating special days… For somewhere deep inside, I realise, how much ever, I protest… A little extra attention once a while do make you feel happy…

The day passed by uneventful. Only difference was that I was getting queries asking me what I’ve got for V day. Can’t say none; as I do get a whole load of forward messages in Whatsapp. Thank god, whatsapp is free and so forwarding is extremely easy. Frankly, I would appreciate an SMS better than a whatsapp forward message. To all who asked me, I said the truth, ‘Nothing but forward messages.’ Some chuckled, some responded with a long buzzing ‘hmmmmmmm.’ Felt nice to think that they had high confidence in me that even at this age I am expected to receive surprises on a V Day… Sad that none of these idiots, instead of asking, felt to actually get me something… lol!!!

Emptyhanded, I reached home after work… My superhero looked weird, with a strange smile and suspicious looking mannerisms… Now what did he do? Unlike other days, he was being very formal. “How was your day?” “Did you eat food?” “You want some water?”… OK, my mental alarm was ringing loudly…Something is wrong… What what what… I asked,

“TELL ME, WHAT? IS THERE ANYTHING WRONG?”

Sheepishly, he came forward with something bright green … As he handed it over to me…he hugged me hard and said, “Amma, Happy Valentine’s Day…” Surprised I was…but was into a shock as I heard what he had to say in continuation… “Amma, I love you a lot… I know, you would not have got any gift. So, I felt bad. I wanted to get you something. As I had no money, I made this card for you all by myself. Hope you like it.”

Tears trickled thru my cheeks. I wondered, when did my super hero grow up enuf to be considerate. I realised, again, that any extra you do for your loved one is never worthless. Slowly, I opened his four-page card. Each Pages had its own beauty and significance. His handwritten words were so touching and filled with his love. A Square piece had been cut off from the last page with a message to point it at his face. As I looked through the page, I found him standing on the other side wishing me Happy Valentine’s Day… 😊

I had no words. I was overwhelmed. My heart was pounding with excitement, happiness and blessed feeling. Reading what he had written, I asked him who guided him and he said none. Surprised, I am and thankful to God that I have him...May God bless him with all happiness and love and success... May he always value the value of love and prayers...thank you sweetheart, I love you... Thus, this day turned out to be the best Valentine’s day I have ever had… Blessed indeed...

Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you…

Baby, just for you...

Baby, here, thou can see my hand

Yes, its for you, to hold or to let go…

You know, it shall stay there, just for you

As long as my blood flows through you…

Baby, here, thou can see my smile.

Yes, its for you, to cherish or to ignore…

You know, it shall bloom there, just for you

As long as you say that you are safe…

Baby, here, thou can see my heart.

Yes, its for you, to make or to break…

You know, it shall beat there, just for you

As long as your love for me stay afresh…

We will...

He is for sure only 10; but always had a deep insight into everything he witnessed. His observation skills were always a shock for me as it wasn’t always that he would let me know that he had that one side to his otherwise cheeky monkey nature. So, when things seemed too difficult to handle; I had to make my decision. By now, the I have completely given up the hope of anybody understanding the emotional roller coaster that I was  going thru. For me, it was ‘that’ moment of life where I had no come back to what I been thru all these past years. Acting happy and content seemed too impossible now.  

Finally, I opened the book in front of him, the one person that mattered the most to me. For the decision, I made in quest of my happiness, he would be the most affected one. My son, who just celebrated his bday, I had to speak to him. After a doctor’s appointment, on our way back home, at the McDonalds, in front of his father, I asked him, “Mamma wants to ask you something. What do you think about me and your dad?”

As usual, he kept on playing his game and asked, “What do you mean?”.

“Baby, what do you think of mamma and papa?”

“Hmmm, You are ok.”

Pause…I wasn’t sure what to say. His father just pushed the chair down and dashed out to his car.

The l’il one seemed to have no change of expression and continued eating food. He felt nothing new; as he had seen him cut off conversations always in a similar fashion.

Once back in the car, I asked his father on why he left the place to which he said, “There is nothing I have to tell or listen to.”

I knew, there was nothing indeed. Now, it was our son who had to listen to and talk…

“Baby, tell me, what you think of us as a family.”

“Hmm, I don’t think you both are happy together. You are not like other couples. I know you both are just acting.”

“Ok, baby, its right. We are not happy together. Amma is almost fed up with this and I cant take this any longer. Rather than living like this, I would prefer to move out; away from your father.”

“Mamma, are you gonna go away and live in another house.”

“Yes…”

“Mamma, can I come with you?”

I wasn’t too surprised to not hear him asking me to NOT TO DO IT or any such emotional pleas. He was too practical for that. I knew that by now.

“As long as you wanna be with me, you will be with me. I will not separate you from your father. This is between a husband and wife and I don’t want you to be affected in this.”

“No amma, I want to be with you genuinely. You are the one who takes care of me and looks after all my things. I will be happy with you. I will shift with you.”

It was a full stop for him. I knew it. I understood, his innocent calculation within him. Nothing emotional; he was just being practical.

As always, his father just repeated, “I have nothing to say.”

Sad….as I could hear the l’il one again,

“Mamma, when are we shifting?”

We will...

God, be with me...

He is one of the most innocent kid I have ever seen. The most carefree and lucky go living child. The world could be shaking on one side and he might not even notice to care. But, if he missed his i-pad time, he would feel so depressed. But then, from this small one, I have heard many a times some real strong statements that made me think again and again. “Was he really saying that?” “Did he just say that?”… But before, I could even ponder on these questions, he would be back to his old self of being funny cheeky monkey.

Our mornings start with some really senseless conversations (yes, it was always senseless for atleast one of us) … While I was busy in the kitchen preparing breakfast, he would be sitting and having some silly questions or we would share anything that we remembered at that point.  Today, it was no special day. Just like any other day, we started off a normal early morning discussions. As he argued on the breakfast choices he had, I knew I had to shift his focus. Else he would go on crib on the Dosa he had to eat. I asked him a question that I had heard on the radio a day before. I told him that I wanted to see the perspective of a child in that context.

“Why do we say falling in love and why not rising in love?” and as always, he had an immediate answer.

“Amma, u see…. Love is a trap, and can anybody rise in a trap? People fall into traps… So its right to say Falling in Love…”

Dumbstruck, I spoke, “Hey, how can you say love is a trap. Love is a divine feeling baby. People feel happy and content in love. Yes, there could be pain. But if you are in love with the right person, then there is nothing more sweeter…”

“But amma, I don’t want to love or marry. Why take risk?”

“No, baby, its not so. As you grow up, you will understand how beautiful it is and you will be able to feel the goodness in it.”

“Yeah yeah, you got married to dad. And what happened? You fell in a trap. Where is dad loving you or where is you loving him? You both are not happy. Then why do you have to be in a trap. I don’t want to be in such a trap. Never”

Shocked, I wanted to cry… I realised the damage that an unhappy marriage had done on my son’s thought process. Years of my marriage was endured without LOVE for the sake of my child. I wanted him to live in a family. I wanted him not to see a broken marriage. But, I realised, how much ever we adults try hiding the truth, kids are observant about the reality. They see and notice what is real and what is fake. As a husband and wife, his parents never had any fights or arguments. Neither he saw the outpour of romance or love between them. He knew, things were not the way it was supposed to be….

I had to regain myself to not let him know my thought process. "Baby, not all relations are so. There is nothing wrong with amma's marriage. Its just that we are not like others. But that doesn't mean, all marriages are like ours. As you grow up, you will understand, what I meant. You will find that special person in your life, will fall in love and marry her and live happily ever after. Till then, never have such negative thoughts about anything."

I always wanted my son to grow up into a gentleman, a human being with love, care and passion to others. I wanted him to never hide his feelings and wanted to express his emotions. Maybe, there was a fear within me that the genes he might have inherited from his father could make him otherwise… People close to me always said, ‘He is still small. Don’t judge him.’ But, I kept worrying. With this conversation, my worry was taking a shape of reality.

I had to take my step. I wanted him to know that life and love is not a trap. Rather, it SHOULD NOT be a trap. People should have choices and should fight for their own happiness. If not till today, henceforth, his mother will fight for it. So should he or any other individual that could come into his life in the future. Only then, will he be able to respect other’s feelings and emotions.  I had to teach him this one big truth about life.

Finally, I made up my mind. I knew the step I gonna make now will break me apart. Will break many people around me. I might lose everything that I held close until today. But I had to do it. For myself and for my son. I would not want another female years later having the same complaints I had until today about life. I will do my bit now. Rest, let time decide. Let god decide what was in the destiny. But without doing my bit, I am no longer leaving my life to fate.

God, be with me…

Bless you, baby...

Innocence…one thing that makes me still believe that this world is not all that bad…every time I go down in my mood swings…there is this one thing that raise my spirit up. After all, he is the purpose of my life today. One person, I have taken for granted…My sweetheart, my little son who is no longer little but is slowly growing up into a handsome boy…

The way he behave, at times I feel he is too immature. And some other times, his in-depth analysis of certain subjects really surprise me off. And these days, I am very seriously trying to control my behaviour towards him or rather trying to stop taking him for granted. Showing my frustration to him and not able to control my temper is taking me through a very bad guilt trip…

After all, he is that gem of a person who has wiped my tears and said, “Amma, don’t worry… don’t cry…I am with you na…I will never leave you. So don’t cry…Smileee”… When I was mourning appup’s sudden demise, the way he tried handling me was so overwhelming. “Amma, don’t be sad. Whenever you feel like sleeping on appupa’s lap, you can lie down on my lap and think it is appuppas. I can hug you so much that you will not miss appuppa. Don’t be sad Amma. Otherwise, appuppa will also be sad.”

How can a 8 year old boy say such things? I have wondered. Does he even realise the intensity of the words he speak? I have wondered. Can he be so matured to behave as if he is not my son, but my father? I have wondered.

The other day, I was back home after the farewell party for my boss. Somehow, I never enjoy Indian food from a five star restaurant. As they tend to literally kill the authentic Indian taste to match the spice/taste quotients of all the other nationalities. How can you have a Kadai Chicken immersed in sweetness. All the curries looked same with loads of tomato puree. Anyways, the food didn’t matter much then. The whole team being together to bid goodbye to our boss was the moment.

Anyways, at home, everybody wanted to know how the exotic restaurant that I had my evening. As expected, I let out my exasperation on spending 1000s for an Indian dinner which didn’t even soothe my taste buds..hehe!! As always, my son was the last one with his questions.

“Amma, how was your evening?"

“Good Baby, but I did not enjoy the food much.”

“Ohhh, so how much was the bill.” (Maybe, he overheard me getting ouwww over the huge bill)

“That was huge sweetheart. It was around XXXX.”

“OMG,” his usual self, “Ammaaaa, that is biggggg amount. Why did you waste so much money?”

“Baby, company paid for it, not me.”

“Still Amma. Why? You could have just given that money to your boss.”

“WHAT?”

“Yes Amma, you could have just given it to your boss. Poor man, he doesnot have a job now. Atleast he could use that money to buy food for his child.”

I was bursting with laughter. “Ohooo, baby…he already got a job. He will not be poor, don’t worry. What you said is true, we should not have wasted so much money. But still, he is not poor and he will have money for his child.”

“Ohhhhhh, Okkkkkkk… hmmmm…”, he was not completely convinced, I knew it.

“Still Amma, still you could have just given the money to him. Atleast he would have bought some gift for his child at the airport when he go to his country.”

Hahahahaha…he had his point…

Bless you, baby!!!

Happy to you...

Three years…three long years that went off before I could even blink my eyes a second time…I feel so…yeah…this day three years back had changed me…had changed my identity… my looks…my behavior…my outlook on life…my love…my feelings … in a way my whole LIFE…yeah, bcoz today three years back at exactly 10hours 25 minutes and 52 seconds, I saw him for the first time in my life…yeah, I saw my Love in front of me…my reason to live…my hopes…my happiness…my anxieties…my fears…all shaped as my LIFE…my Son…my dear son…

I still remember…the day when I unbelievingly stared at the pregnancy kit…I was ready for my baby... but when I saw it was going to be real..I couldn’t believe…I kept on staring at the kit…I had no words…I just mumbled…Is it true…I could hear gasps from my mom and hubby…couldn’t read expression on my husband’s face…he never changes, I suppose…but Mom…yes, she was happy..above the world…I immediately went into the bathroom to take a shower…The secret mission was to touch my baby…a gentle touch and I asked “Are you there…?”…

Seconds passed as minutes and minutes as hours and days and months…One thing I would always say is during those months of my trimesters my baby never gave me any trouble..Not much morning sickness…I, who was always sick with allergy and nose block never had a single sneeze or cold those months…I came to work from Day 1 till the D Day -1…yeah…I worked till 25th evening...As per intial findings, he was due by November 12th which changed to November 05th and then by October 15th, the doctors said… “Hey your baby is all set to come any moment…if you want him now, you can have him…hes quite a big baby and fully developed and ready for this world…” …

Lol, like me…he too didn’t wanted to turn upside down inside me..maybe he preferred stepping his legs first into this earth…So it was confirmed, I would have to have a C-section… Only the day had to be decided…

On 25th evening, at almost 3 O Clock…my gynaec called me on phone… “Hey dear…your reports are ready…Think we can do it tomorrow…and even the Anesthetist is available tomorrow…Go to the hospital before 10 in the night and get admitted… I will see u in the morning…”… I was like Wow…but when I called my mom to pass her the news…she was shivering…lol!!! She was not ready, I suppose…after all those 9 months???hahaha!!! Anyways, I said a bye to all at office…My Boss was shocked when I told him I need to leave 1 hour early…He thought I was into some labour pain…I told him not to worry and shall inform him the good news as soon my baby comes into my hand…

Guess, where did I go straight…to the doctor??? To the hospital??? No…after picking mom from home, I went straight to a Beauty saloon…hahaha…after months…I did some real work on my face, hands and legs…I wanted to look beautiful for my baby…By the time, I was out of that place it was 0730pm… I knew, my dad would be in a fury…and sure he was…as I and mom entered the house, could see him sitting all dressed up…waiting for us to return, so that he could take us to hospital…His facial expression was ANGER…he was suppressing his shouting, I suppose…He grumbled and mumbled… “Would anywhere in the world we see this…She is supposed to be admitted in the hospital for her delivery and here she is roaming around through Saloons…and to support her a mother also”… To ease him off, I jokingly said… “WE HAVE TIME TILL 10, DAD…”..Before 10, I was admitted…a rough night followed… as suddenly, I caught a bad cough..which was not a good sign for somebody who was going to have a C-Section …uhmmm…

Next day morning …Ha, the Urinary catheterization which was fixed at about 0700am was bad and painful…Gosh, I was actually not able to even sit or lie down properly and was walking around with the bag in my hand…anyways soon after 0900 I was taken into the Theatre…But as soon I had the shot of spinal anesthesia (I opted for that as I wanted to be awake when my baby came into this world…) I felt relieved…I knew nothing much…Due cultural reasons, my husband was not allowed inside the theatre…even if he was, he wouldn’t have come in…lest the doctors would have had a Casuality inside the Operation theatre…

During the procedure, nurses and the anesthetist kept on talking to me…and I was not bad at that…I knew, the doctor was pulling my baby out…and there he was…right in front of me…The doctor said… “It is a HE…10.25am and 52 seconds…3.75kilos…Look at your mamma…”… I couldn’t talk…I was crying…they pressed his wet head against my cheek…and took him off to be cleaned…I knew, the doctors had proceeded with the cleaning and stitching procedure….I was not bothered…I just wanted to see him again…Then, smthing nice happened…

The Anesthetist asked me.. “Do u want to talk to anybdy…”… I was like… “Uhhh??? Yes…”…He dialed my husband’s mobile and gave me the phone…I heard my hubby’s voice

“Hello”

“Hey, it’s me…”

“Uh…???U??? where r U??? What Happened??? Where r u calling from…???”

“Hello, hello..wait…it’s a boyyyyyyyyyy…Can you hear him crying..they r cleaning him…”..I could imagine my husband’s face…I knew he was BLANK and lost…all he said was…

“Ah..I will give to Mom…”

My mom didn’t know what was happening..he just saw my hubby’s White face maybe…and worriedly picked the phone and …

“Hello…what happened…”

“Amma, I am calling from inside the theatre…from a Doctor’s phone…It’s a boy…10.25am…Can u hear him…”

I could sense mom’s excitement in her voice…as her non ending questions erupted…

“Ha…it’s a boy!!!How is he…Is he fair..Who is he looking like…How r u…How many kilos…Here, your husband is all pale faced and looking lost…I thought some other tension….Maybe he is shocked that you called from the Theatre…lol!!!”

“Ok Ok amma…baby is fine…they are cleaning him now..and stitching me up…He is 3.75kilos…Will see u soon…Byee…”

I could hear screams and shouts in the background …I knew my close friends were there waiting for the news…

Today, even after three years…I still reminiscence those moments…that day when I saw my baby…when I felt my Life was right in front of me…I named him ‘Advait’ meaning Unique or Non-Dual…Yeah, he was Unique…my one and only darling…my sweet heart…my Life…

I Love you Baby…and here is wishing you…Many Many Happy returns of the Day…or in his own words…

“Happy to you…Happy to you…”

Welcome Back to Myself...

Ok….so that is it…been away for quite some days..and reason u should be knowing…I was busy with my relatives from India..taking them around…long sleepless nights really posed great danger to my health…uhmm…been down with heavy throat pain and allergy…between son again had a 3 days hospital visit…due his allergy probs…and so on….to top the whole thing up…I have a bandage on my left ankle as I twisted my leg during a dance spree on their last day of vacation…uhmmm…but then…it was all worth it…really enjoyed the days and now really miss them…

Home is back to normal with lots of space to walk around…a week back, it was filled with people bumping into each other every now and then…or atleast walking in between the loads of Excess Baggage that they managed to build up through shopping…uhmmm…Lol…They could take with them almost 300 kg and they victoriously succeeded in crossing the limits by atleast another 100…thereby, leaving the remaining 100kg at home for us to cargo it ASAP….haha!!!

To think of it, really did they do that much shopping…???? Naaah!!!..but then, the excess baggage is still lying at home waiting for the cargo guys…

Between, would also like to share a sad news with you all…Kindly pardon me, if I don’t drop in to ur blogs often…our IT people has become really bad the last week…they blocked all blog sites and now, I can’t read or post blogs from my office…uhmmm…That means, I have to do it from home…which is almost near to impossible…I can type in my posts in a word doc and post it in the eve as I am going to do with this…But then to sit and read blogs with my son on my head is like hell…

Somehow, my son, lovessssssss switching on the laptop…even if he is only 2 ½ years old…he already know how to switch on the laptop, connect the charger, mouse onto the laptop…and then u shd see him sitting in front of the monitor with his hands on top of the keyboard…as if he is doing some real hard work on the computer….grrrr…and when I try using the laptop, he wants to do all the above stuff along with me…That means, if by mistake I switch on the laptop myself, he will switch it off and then switch it on himself…If I had already connected the charger…he will remove the plug off and then re-connect it himself…

I have really noticed one thing after the visit of my relatives…He has started trying to talk with whole sentences using every single word cautiously and slowly with correct tone and intonation…(you should have heard him when I tried feeding him some rice…the way he tossed his face away from me saying.. “NO, I Don’t want…I won’t eat, I won’t let you….” Gosh, I was awe struck…he very clearly learnt saying NO to my demands….grrr…thrashing on the way, dear son…haah!!!) Another change was that he started becoming choosy…now, he prefer selecting his clothes…and once I had to literally threaten him to wear the shoes I had selected for him…(lol, few days before that, while he was trying to select his shoes from the shoe rack cupboard, accidently the whole of the rack almost fell over him and that scared him a lot…now I am using that to keep him off the shoe rack…)…

But the worst one was his learning a regional language song…which is supposed to be a romantic song in an arrogant way….In that song, the Heroine is walking behind the Hero singing a song (close to a conversation type) and the Hero shoos her off saying PODI…(which is a colloquial word meaning “GOOOOOOOO Girl…..” the word as such is OK to be used between friends…and NOT AT ALL OK to be used to elders...)…when the Hero says Podi the heroine says back PODA…(which in turn meant “Gooo Man”… )….Now, my son, even if he never got the tune of the song right, could very well pronounce these two words…and walked around singing (or rather saying)… “PODIIIII, PODAAAAA….”…grrrr

Now, I was in for real shock, when he decided to sing this song just when the nurse was leaving his room during his hospital visit a week before…lol…I was like sooo embarrassed and had to literally tell every single nurse that he was just singing the song…Thank god, the song was quite famous among South Indians…at times, I even had to sing the song along with him to just show others that it was just a song and not that my son was disrespecting them by shooing them off….lol!!!

Anyways, now, I am continuously stopping him from singing that song…and now what happens is…Somehow, the words escape his mouth at times…and this is what happens… “PODIII, PODAA…(and then he looks at me…and continues…) is a dirty song…isn’t it Mom??? If I sing, Mom will slap me…” hahah!!! And there were times when he very craftly acted as if he never sang that song as in … “Podi, Podaaaaaa…(he would just continue the ‘aaaaa’ sound and continue with the song) Aaaaare u sleeping are u sleeping, brother John….”

Trust me, you can never hold back your laugh if ever u see his such divine ideas to escape my scoldings… I know that there r still a lot more of his pranks for me to witness and go thru…hehe!!! I really wonder if I was this intelligent as a kid…But guess what others have to say about him when they see him on action….

“No wonders…After all, whose son is he…typical Mother and Son …”

The Bunch of Monkeys...

Hurrayyy…I got a couple pass for a Magic Show…Hehe!!! I knew the magician was really famous and did know his job pretty well…putting himself into all sort of dangers and coming out of them with a smile that could defeat even the Miss.World winner…So I decided to use the tickets and watch the show…It would be a change…was not sure, if my two year son could enjoy a magic show in this age…but then decided to take him with me…

As usual, hubby dear didn’t like such Kiddish stuff…so, I had to push my mom to join me…(lol!!! Secret is I needed someone to manage my son…haha)…The ticket said Gates open at 03:30 and Show starts at 04:30pm…Pretty weird timing…grrr..and Summer is already here…and Seating was on First come First Serve…So decided to reach the gates much in advance to avoid a queue and the last seat….03:15 didn’t witness much of audience at the auditorium entrance. I could get the somewhere between 10th or 20th position in the queue..

Both the S’s were not favourable…the Scorching Sun and the Screeching Son…The Sun wanted to burn my head and the Son wanted to Eat my head…When I asked him to stay where there was some shade, he preferred sitting on the steps where the Sun had its full Show…I had to literally give a Study Class to my Son…uhmm…Made him quiet for sometime…It was past 3:30 already and no signs of opening the bloody gates…and I could see much unfortunate people standing in the sun behind me…a long queue was already there…

Finally the door opened by 03:45 and there comes a BIG BAD MAN (BBM)…absolutely true to the name…He was showing his pity on us when he said… “I will let u all in now…but u cannot go inside the auditorium. Bcoz it is hot, U can stand inside the hall and wait in queue for 1hour…” grrrrrrrrrrrr…What the Hell…!!! ONE hour??? Show is not starting at 0400???and neither at 04:30??? HELL..HELL…

Now, we started waiting and waiting…the straight queue started getting zig zags as and when people came in…everybody wanted to be in the comforts of the Airconditioner…so naturally they were sweet enough to became narrow Zig-Zagged queue…Me and Mom was happy..we are not the other other of the queue,…we are at the starting point…

It was already 0500pm….that was even past the 1 hour the BBM had mentioned earlier…and finally there comes his head at the entrance of the Auditorium…and with all heart I was expecting a Positive Announcement from him…But that wasn’t coming that easily to me today evening….as he Screamed out… “All of you we will send you in after 20minutes…”

And there came a big howling voice from someone in the queue..guess he was more irritated than me…uhm…and to my horror..or rather to my son’s horror, the first voice was accompanied by a team of others…and the room reverberated with the Howling voice of a gang of Wolves...ooops!!! Men…My son who was playing with some other kids came running to me and I had to carry him after that…He was scared…He was showing me faces as if something was there to be afraid of … “Amma, SHHOUND…SHOOO…GHOST” …uhmmm!!! He was getting a treat of such voices for first time…

What happened after that was still more terrible…As the howling turned to shoutings and soon fightings…people started yelling at the organizers…in between the BBM committed the most idiotic mistake he could have done…He shouted.. “If u want to go in…stand in one line…” ..Tadaaaa….there goes the queue…from all sides people just pushed and squeezed into the decent queue…Thus people who were at the last end of queue pushed themselves into the start of the queue…Naturally this irritated the public more..and they started yelling and pushing and fighting…

I could feel myself being squeezed from all side by people trying to get in first…I was worried of my son who was in my hands…He started off saying… “Amma, Sleeep…I want to sleep…” It was evident he was scared by the push and pull…He might have thought by closing his eyes to the world, he can ward off the trouble…Poor Kid…What more is in store for him in this world…Only time will show him…

I was trying to protect my son…Myself was feeling suffocated by then…and I was literally floating…being pushed from all side…Couldn’t imagine such a decent queue suddenly transforming and behaving like a herd of animals…Shame to the Animal gender too…uhmm…

Anyways, I was somehow near the door…and was just one step into safety…suddenly one old man..maybe some 50+years suddenly pushed and squeezed himself to overtake me and I was about to fall…He overtook me and entered the hall…I WAS ANGRY….but what made me loose my limits was what he did next…As I was trying to control myself and take my last step to safety, this IDIOT started pulling another man's hand (who was standing behind me…) …

THAT WAS IT…I LOST IT….I suddenly stopped still…I held my hand between the two and just screamed at the one behind me….

“WHAT THE HELL….STOP…WHAT R U TRYING TO DO…PUSHING AND PULLING…BLOODY, CANT U SEE THERE R KIDS AND LADIES IN THIS GROUP….CAN U WAIT FOR ONE SECOND SO THAT THEY CAN PASS BY SAFELY….NOW STOP THERE AND WAIT TILL I PASS…”

The first reply from the guy behind me (who the other guy was trying to pull out) was “Oh, sorry, OK OK, you go in…”

Not noticing the intensity the one in the front again tugged against his friend’s hand…and there I lost it again…

“HELLO, MISTER…DON’T U HAVE THE LEAST MANNERS…DO U THINK WE R WAITING HERE FOR COCONUTS…WE R ALSO TRYING TO GO INSIDE…PUSHING MY BABY AND MYSELF AND SQUEEZED URSELF OUT AND NOW PULLING ON PEOPLE WHO R BEHIND US EVEN…???”

And his reply shocked me… “THAT IS MY SONNN….”

My first response was… “FATHER OR SON…WAIT TILL WE PASS NOW…”

And then I took my last step and was inside the Auditorium…I turned and saw the man’s son…a son who was almost 30-40years old…

God, what has happened to these men, I don’t know…Doesn’t a 30-40 year old man know to find his way to the auditorium himself…does his father has to pull him disrupting the whole crowd…People really need to be educated on ethics and manners…

Finally I was seated safely with my mother…my son was slowly getting OK…I could just swear angrily for this Atrocious behavior of these Bunch of Monkeys…and of all the queue-jumpers this particular Father-Son duo got the best share of my piece of mind that evening…A good evening was almost spoiled by these brats…I thought at heart…

We had to still wait for another hour for the show to start…Still the show was colorful and really nice…Thanks to the magician who did his trick absolutely well…He was damn good at his job…Even my son enjoyed the show…atleast he enjoyed the colours and the song and dance styles of the magician and his team…Finally, it made me calm and eased our tension off…

But can I ever forget them….the Father-Son duo…the Queue Jumpers…

"The Bunch of Monkeys…."

NB: I am really sorry to the Monkey Genre, for comparing you to these Queue Jumpers...I know, it is a shame to you...But it was just a phrase I used and means no insults to you....

A Healthy Freedom...

Haa…it’s been a tough week…going through some real tension and pressure…uneasiness gulped me up the past few days…enveloped in an uncertainty… due to a feeling of not knowing anything…Yeah, the days really made me tired…had no time for the head ache…or rather, the headache was always there, but there were more serious issues to be tackled…so the presence was not given value….uhmm…really…its absolutely true when I say… “The illness of your loved ones can wash off any amount of your illness…” and especially if he is your blood…your own baby...Your Son…

Yes, all this while, I have been telling about my mother, my father, my brother….Never did I mention about my dear son…maybe because I didn’t wanted to bring him into the story of my Past…I wanted to cross all those past stories and then come to the Story of Present…The present tense with my son….My dear little Rascal…

An unexpected turn of events was what I witnessed last week…One day he was absolutely well and the next day I am sitting beside him at the hospital in the Intensive Care Unit…I didn’t have any idea how it happened or why… just knew that my little sweet heart was absolutely sick…

When my mom called me at office in the afternoon and told me he doesn’t seem OK, I assumed… “Maybe a bad nose block…like me, he too had a bad nose…” … I took my own sweet time to leave office and reach home…One look at his face and I had to curse my damn assumption…I could see him right in front of me trying hard to inhale a decent amount of air…He wasn’t crying, but he was giving out a weeping murmur…which made me sick…

I had to literally carry him and rush to the car and sped my way through the busy road…Cursed every single vehicle that came in front of me and Yelled at the heavy traffic block…Wished I could get hold of one of those Police cars and take my son to the safety of a Hospital…after much of harrow I ran into the doctor’s consulting room…he didn’t waste his time to have a proper consultation…just a look at my son’s breathing pattern was more than enough for him…

After a set of Nebulisation, he knew it was not enough…Next moment I saw him yelling at the nurse for not having ICU bed ready for the baby…Tears filled my eyes and so I couldn’t see where I was walking to…I just followed the nurse…hugging on to my son against my chest…I could feel his chest pumping up hard against my chest…He was wheezing in the most scariest way...I hated myself for not leaving early from office to take him to the doctor…

Soon, he was in the ICU bed…with all sorts of tubes and wires and oxygen masks on him…Poor boy…he didn’t even cry when the nurses injected him a number of times…because the pain he was going through otherwise was much worse…I lie near him hugging him…I knew, he was scared…I too was…but gave him all assurance…"Mamma is there with you, baby…."

Anyways, that is past now…its been 7 days now…Thanks to the almighty and the doctors and the nurses at the hospital for their care and concern...He was discharged yesterday…and, now all is well…or rather my dear baby is absolutely fine and on the best of his spirits…Doctors advised for rest…but that could be the last thing that he could be following at this moment of his spirits…

After all, what can a 2 year old know, when we tell him to take rest….how can I explain to him how sick he was…how can I tell him… “Baby, you had a infection in your blood…and that caused your Breathing tubes to get tightened and narrowed and thereby restricting oxygen intake….which inturn caused Lack of Oxygen into the Heart and thereby raised the Heart & Pulse rate…and that is absolutely serious…So, please take rest till you are absolutely recovered…” ….He is going to just stare at my face as if I just said some funny crazy story…

For him, he just had independence…Freedom from the hospital bed…Freedom from the Oxygen mask…Freedom from the IV fluid and the tubes and injections…Freedom from the wires from all sort of medical equipments…Freedom to run around and not stay in the bed 24/7…Freedom to do whatever he want…Freedom to do the most craziest thing he could…Freedom to pull down the dishes over his head…Freedom to switch off the lights and drag the pillows to the floor…

Frankly speaking…He was lost…He couldn’t imagine what he wanted to do…He’s bashing into anything and everything and making us crazy running behind him…threatening him that we will put him back into the hospital bed for the injection….lol!!!

As family and friends called to check how is he doing…my one line could explain everything…uhmm...it might sound strange for comparing my sweetheart like that that...but then, it matched so much to his present spirits...I just said...

“Oh, What to say…He has washed off his illness and right now is enjoying his freedom…Just like a Dog who was let free from his kennel after days …”