A “Sidekick!!!”

Those days, I thought, that was how things worked. Boys proposing girls at the age of 9-10 seemed natural and normal. Back then, I didn’t feel there was anything strange about it. Though today, it intrigues me. Age 10!!! My son is 11 now and I cant imagine him falling in love. I understand having a crush. But, falling in love…LOL, with all capital letters!!! I cant imagine him going behind a girl to woo her or make her understand his deep love for her to get married to her.

Yes, you heard it right, Marriage. That was exactly what I used to hear when these young  teens confessed their love. Today, such love would be misunderstood as “lust” or “sex”. But those days, it had only one meaning. 'There is love in the air and if they both have same feeling, soon we will see them married.' It sort of sounds cute now as I think of it.

Anyways, the tom boy me, was a perfect friend for many such girls who were being proposed by boys. Every festivals, every inter school competitions, every get-togethers – We found such boys. Mostly in a bicycle, they came in as a gang and would do every single idiotic thing to get the attention of the girls. When it went over board, I would be back answering them. Wonder, what was I? A Bouncer for the rest of the girls. Whatever.

There was even a regular “Proposer” who claimed to be in true love with every other girl at every other location. Once, I even asked him, how could he say so. And he said, “Ha, no dear. Last time, I was misunderstood. That was not real love. But this is. I am truly in love with this girl. Please, can you help me.” Gosh, isn’t that crazy. Yes, it was. For me. I felt, it was odd to have such flickering heart that beat fast for every other girl. But, he had no shame, I suppose. He went around proposing girls and I kept witnessing it. Now don’t ask me, why was I everywhere. I used to be an active participant in talent shows and sports competitions during my school days and such places were a favourite spot for such fickle-minded boys, I assume.  

Ok, maybe, only I had this opinion about such boys. But the girls who were getting that extra attention from one such boy was always in an elated and excited mode. She would be seen walking around with more poise and extra dose of shyness. And if she got proposed, then are the days about sharing the secret news and would be talking about it with much pride. Post the same, I would be witnessing secret meetings on the road side or the bus stop or even the temples. Personally, I had even accompanied some of them as a ‘friend’. Now I realise, I was just a ‘cover-up’ for them…hehe!!!

So, somewhere from age 8-11, I played the role of a ‘bouncer’, ‘loyal friend’, ‘cover-up’….In a Bollywood movie, think my role would be considered as a ‘side-kick’…

Gosh, should I laugh or be pathetic on my role…

A “Sidekick!!!”

V-Month Rewind...

February, the month of love…so they say…Who? Who cares! I don’t think I never even heard of Valentines Day until somewhere in 2000. Was I that bad in the matter of love or was these so called “DAYS” came into the limelight only by then. Naturally, think the marketing sense of this society grew with demand of business. That’s what I would say.

Anyways, when somebody asked me what my plans for the Valentines Day was, I laughed. Life was in a mode where I personally never got so excited about such days. Forget V-day, even birthdays seems boring… So I have no idea what were my plans…

Frankly speaking, as a child, Love was sort of an amazing secret. A secret that all would love to have and at the same time feared it to the teeth. As kids, we would talk so much about how that girl is in love with that boy! How this boy cheated that girl for this girl! How she thinks that that boy loves this girl!

Sad is the reality that this heart tickling secret always floated around me, but never in me… Growing up as a tom boy, I was mostly only a witness to many such love affairs. I felt it was so weird to actually claim to be falling in love.

Hehe!!!, so, this month, I wanna take a u-turn to some childhood memories… a Walk through the childish past…

A V-Month Rewind...

God, be with me...

He is one of the most innocent kid I have ever seen. The most carefree and lucky go living child. The world could be shaking on one side and he might not even notice to care. But, if he missed his i-pad time, he would feel so depressed. But then, from this small one, I have heard many a times some real strong statements that made me think again and again. “Was he really saying that?” “Did he just say that?”… But before, I could even ponder on these questions, he would be back to his old self of being funny cheeky monkey.

Our mornings start with some really senseless conversations (yes, it was always senseless for atleast one of us) … While I was busy in the kitchen preparing breakfast, he would be sitting and having some silly questions or we would share anything that we remembered at that point.  Today, it was no special day. Just like any other day, we started off a normal early morning discussions. As he argued on the breakfast choices he had, I knew I had to shift his focus. Else he would go on crib on the Dosa he had to eat. I asked him a question that I had heard on the radio a day before. I told him that I wanted to see the perspective of a child in that context.

“Why do we say falling in love and why not rising in love?” and as always, he had an immediate answer.

“Amma, u see…. Love is a trap, and can anybody rise in a trap? People fall into traps… So its right to say Falling in Love…”

Dumbstruck, I spoke, “Hey, how can you say love is a trap. Love is a divine feeling baby. People feel happy and content in love. Yes, there could be pain. But if you are in love with the right person, then there is nothing more sweeter…”

“But amma, I don’t want to love or marry. Why take risk?”

“No, baby, its not so. As you grow up, you will understand how beautiful it is and you will be able to feel the goodness in it.”

“Yeah yeah, you got married to dad. And what happened? You fell in a trap. Where is dad loving you or where is you loving him? You both are not happy. Then why do you have to be in a trap. I don’t want to be in such a trap. Never”

Shocked, I wanted to cry… I realised the damage that an unhappy marriage had done on my son’s thought process. Years of my marriage was endured without LOVE for the sake of my child. I wanted him to live in a family. I wanted him not to see a broken marriage. But, I realised, how much ever we adults try hiding the truth, kids are observant about the reality. They see and notice what is real and what is fake. As a husband and wife, his parents never had any fights or arguments. Neither he saw the outpour of romance or love between them. He knew, things were not the way it was supposed to be….

I had to regain myself to not let him know my thought process. "Baby, not all relations are so. There is nothing wrong with amma's marriage. Its just that we are not like others. But that doesn't mean, all marriages are like ours. As you grow up, you will understand, what I meant. You will find that special person in your life, will fall in love and marry her and live happily ever after. Till then, never have such negative thoughts about anything."

I always wanted my son to grow up into a gentleman, a human being with love, care and passion to others. I wanted him to never hide his feelings and wanted to express his emotions. Maybe, there was a fear within me that the genes he might have inherited from his father could make him otherwise… People close to me always said, ‘He is still small. Don’t judge him.’ But, I kept worrying. With this conversation, my worry was taking a shape of reality.

I had to take my step. I wanted him to know that life and love is not a trap. Rather, it SHOULD NOT be a trap. People should have choices and should fight for their own happiness. If not till today, henceforth, his mother will fight for it. So should he or any other individual that could come into his life in the future. Only then, will he be able to respect other’s feelings and emotions.  I had to teach him this one big truth about life.

Finally, I made up my mind. I knew the step I gonna make now will break me apart. Will break many people around me. I might lose everything that I held close until today. But I had to do it. For myself and for my son. I would not want another female years later having the same complaints I had until today about life. I will do my bit now. Rest, let time decide. Let god decide what was in the destiny. But without doing my bit, I am no longer leaving my life to fate.

God, be with me…

Together, we grew...

With passing times, our love grew...

With ageing days, our trust grew...

With moving world, our life grew...

With loving hearts, our hopes grew...

Thank you, in the past one year, together we grew.

Little did I...

Left you hurt all alone that one day…

With tears that bled our heart with pain…

For what but to keep alive someone’s smile…

Little could I see the pages followed next…

What did I loss and what did I gain…

In the journey to bring some smiles…

All that I needed came with a price tag…

Little did I know that tears had a zero tag…

Days and months paved ways to years…

Things changed, people changed…but…

What is that never changed; but our love…

Little did I feel that I had once lost it all…

Keen are my ears against your heart…

As you held me close to feel the world…

There I heard the silent journey of our love…

Little did I care to move from that divinity…

All that love and care was all that I yearned…

To colour my life with a thousand dreams…

Holding thy hand that assured eternity…

Little did I wish to see the world any more…

The Enigma...

Moving through the pages of this life that I breathe…
Yearning was my mind for something I know not.

Leaving behind the world of uncertainty and reality…
Over the clouds and skies, wandered my mind...
Voices seemed too far as vision grew blurred…
Enigmatic in each and every single step ahead.

In the hope to find my mind’s long-lost wish…
Set out was my mind for my life to hold my hand.

Magic was all around, but nothing much big...
Yards and miles was what I had left behind.

Longing for the unknown, I walked forward…
Insignificant was everything that passed by…
For all I need was my life… the joy of live and let live…
Enchanted would I be, with my life, to love and be loved…

It's Divine...and Beautiful...

And slowly, she opened her eyes…angry, or rather upset that she was petrified and it was not valued…

“Come out”, he softly said walking out of his favourite place (behind the wheels)…

“NO”, she was adamant…

“Come out, naa”, yearningly pulled her door open...

“I SAID NO, I AM NOT COMING”, she wasn’t budging…

“Pleaaaaseeee come out dear….”, he pleaded…

SILENCE…her face down with a grim look…

“Pleeeeeaassseeee, I am sorry, I scared you, but please come out”, and there she goes off her seat as he pulled her out…

“Look up there… Trust me, you would love this…”, never was he more enthusiastic…

 

Ok, she trust him...she looked up....

 

Lo and Behold!!! She couldn't believe her eyes...The dark night all around her…She had her foot placed on a mountain top…Far away; below her focal point, she saw the radiance of a beautiful city getting ready to plunge into deep sleep…And up above; was the cute sky decorated with festoons made of star and beautiful moon…Was that all for her? She looked around…YESSS, it was…not a soul around…the soothing tune of the breeze filled her ears…the air blew her hair all around her face…It was dark around her; with calm light above and below her… She knew, she was loving it…rather she was enchanted by the view she was witnessing…

 

She turned for him as she knew she wanted him by her that moment... just to see him smiling, leaning on his all-time companion…The macho who brought them to that place…His eyes had a joyful glee, “I always wanted to bring you here…”, he was true to his words…Afterall, that’s what he was doing all the time…Living up to his wishes…fulfilling every single wish he had dreamt of…wished for…hoped for…He was taking her to all those places he had spent time alone or with friends…

 

“Thank you, its divine, its beautiful”, her heart spoke…As she stood by the edge of the mountain devouring the beauty of the horizon of illumination, she was going weightless…growing above gravity, slowly rising off the ground…She felt free…and happy…There was nothing in this world that could stop her now, she felt…stop her from being happy…She felt like flying…off … away from anything and everything that hurt her…neither was she hurting anybody…the Moment of freedom…

 

With the stars above, the world below…it was heaven...the blanket of wind wrapping her, she opened her hand towards Life…she knew she was taking her steps to believe again…with a decision to be never vulnerable, as he always feared...Another step to find her lost happiness…Another phase to rectify the mistakes…Another search for everything she yearned for… Another try to live, and let live…with her Life...

 

“Thank you, its divine, it’s beautiful”...

NB: Ok, these moments of the girl I have saved into my blog have always been in my thoughts and dreams… it has been indeed weaving in mind for long… they are so much out of any dream… especially for girls, I am sure… For those who could have never lived thru such dreams, these wud surely bring in some envy… Atleast, in my case, I feel envious whenever I read nice, beautiful, calm, out of the dream type stories of love, care, support and happiness… How many can actually be lucky to have such real experience; god have blessed them for sure…I would say… Am I blessed?...:)

STOPPP!!!

Her heart was pounding off her body…she could almost hold it in her hand…with one hand clinching her purse and the other pulling on his sleeves with the nails sometimes piercing his skin…She was scared…she was petrified…what she saw ahead of her, or what she couldn’t see was making her hyper and the only voice she heard was her own… Screaming at the top of her voice…STOPPPPPPP!!!!

 

It didn’t or rather he didn’t…she could feel the earth was moving backward below her and she was going deeper into the dark uncertainty in front of her…She had seen the signboard passing by and it said, “Entry Prohibited for Unauthorised” … She went on screaming…rather screeching and what not… she could feel her ears pop off and her own screams were sounding as if so far away…Every turn he made was another scream off her…He went onnn…going on and on and up and up…bumping through the way...the dark night loomed around her like a mystery...WHAT IS HE DOING???

 

He was saying something…What was it??? He was laughing, oh yes, he was…Why? He liked it when she got scared…(much later she knew why he was liking it…she was infact forgetting all her problems and was actually getting scared for nothing…hmmmm!!! “Kick u”, she had sheepishly murmured…)… He kept saying, “I know what am I doing…Trust me!!!”…Hmmm, “Trust me”... of course she trusted him…she knew that he would never push her into any danger...he would always hold her close to his life...he would never want to do anything that would endanger her…bcoz she was his responsibility…he always looked for ways to bring a smile on her...Its not that he doesn't hurt her, he do…but he made sure that he make up for the pain he gave…and that was all she wanted…that was what she had missed all her life…that was all she was searching for…

 

But, then why was she screaming…Didn’t she trust him? Didn’t she believe in him…Didn’t she had faith in her own instincts...Was she scared that something bad would happen to her…Was she afraid of her life…her safety…Noooo…

 

At that instance; nothing mattered to her…nothing else other than his safety…the anonymity of the scene she was in, had scared her ...her ignorance to help him IF he needed help weakened her…What if something bad happened and she can be of no help…She knew nothing…and that scared her…She knew it… She was a strong woman and nothing ever scared her…But, now she was…not for herself…but for him, his safety…

 

Off her thoughts and back in reality, she screamed,

 

“Noooooooo, I said STOPPP….”

Keep your mouth SHUT...

After reading Dost’s post on his blog - Valentine Soup…I made a comment where in I had asked a genuine doubt…Ok, now the post was a story about a girl who was in love with a colleague who was a fraud…Who was enjoying his life having affairs with girls and making them spend for his luxury… At the end of the story, the girl finds the truth about the Man through a friend, another colleague, who was also in a relation with the same man before…and the girl is playing a prank on the man…Tit for Tat…Good…

But then, my question was…WHY dint the friend never warned the Girl even when she knew the Girl was in love with this crooked man…To my question Dost replied so…” People do not divulge betrayals or rejections. They do not talk abt love affairs. Don't you think so”… This made me thinking…In this month of Love and Valentines…I suddenly thought…Wht would I have done in a similar situation…Suddenly, I remembered a past situation in my life…and then realized…What Dost said was the best to be followed…Better keep quiet…rather than getting involved and get hurt…

If you remember, not long back..I had told u the story of my friend…In one of the Part..I had mentioned about how I had warned her about the Boy’s nature and my assumption on whatever I had heard of him….I remember how she ignored my assumptions and how she ridiculed my way of thinking…Much later, when she went thru all those trouble that I had predicted before…she openly told me… “Dear, whenever u used to tell me so…I used to think…WHY U SAYING SO…afterall, Wont I also yearn for some love…and how can LOVE be a burden…I never understood when u told me…and so I almost stopped telling u details about my relation with him…”… I had warned her how dangerous can Possessiveness or Obsession in love can turn a person into… how the same love that brought her close to him could take her far away frm him…She never realized before it was too late…

Ok, then I realized…when somebody is in love…whatever we try putting into their head…IF IT IS NEGATIVE INFORMATION…nothing is gonna get into their head..instead, they will start thinking negative of urself…They could go to extends where they could imagine that U r jealous of them and that is why u r trying to take them out of the relation…ha…But then…what made me feel stupid was…WHY DINT I LEARN THIS LESSON MUCH BEFORE….afterall…this was not the first time, I was being penalized for the same error…uhmm…A bit into that past…

Years back…during my graduation…I was doing a 3 years diploma course in Multimedia and Web Designing along with my graduation…I found new 2 friends (Rags & Babs – names are imaginary) from those classroom…One a girl who was 2 years elder than me and the other who was 2 years younger than me…We three soon turned to be inseparable mates… We used to meet daily evening during classes and chat and have fun in the class...All three of us were very poor when we take out our purse…lol…there were days when none of us could spare even a 10bucks…haha!!!...still, as our friendship grew, we started reaching the classes much earlier than the class timing and then together we would rush to a nearby joint…Hot Breads….lol…

They had those yummy milkshakes, pastries, burgers and what not…and we had mostly holes in our purses… the best we could do mostly was… save on the 10-15Rs that one of the girl had, which she was to use for her Auto Rikshaw – the to and fro transportation charge from Home to Class…Instead, we took the risk of using my Kinetic, riding it in Triples…lol…Still remember, people’s eyes popping out when they see 3 GIRLS having triples…lol…we used to drop one person off as soon as we saw any Police Jeep’s head…heeh!!! And with this 10Rs that we save, we used to buy one Pastry and then used to sit with three spoons and sharing it btw ourselves…every evening atleast 1/2hr …was OUR TIME at Hotbreads…

Those days, one of the girl, Rags was in love with a boy…lol…this boy worked abroad…rather he worked in this country where I am now…Naturally, Rag had to dedicate more time Chatting with him at the internet café or speaking to him on the phone at the telephone Booths…that left me and Babs outside the Booth or the café…we spend those moments sharing our deep secrets…Babs knew almost everything about me…Trust me, those days, naturally, from heart…if u weigh you attachment to Rags and Babs…I was more attached to Babs…I never opened up much to Rags, as she had other things to worry concerning her love…Whatever…the Underlining part was BABS KNEW ME INSIDE OUT….

Years passed…I came to this country…met Rags boyfriend…soon Rags eloped with him to this country…hehe!!...Naturally, local calls were cheaper…I and Rags was in touch… Still, I kept close contacts with Babs too… During these days…Rags broke a news to me… that she heard a rumour from some other ex-classmate that Bab is getting engaged with one of our Instructor at the Computer Class….Rags said that everybody is gossiping back home that Babs and this Instructor were in Love… which was NOT TRUE…as we were sure about it… many friends from the class started contacting us and started filling us with more and more Gossips on this made-up love story

Finally, we decided to let Babs know about all this…Silly me…further to Rags persuasion I called Babs and informed her…I told her, how news was spreading so…and asked her to be careful…She pleaded Not guilty…and started feeling sad on WHY people r talking bad about her, when she knew nothing about it…uhmmm…I felt bad for her…Thus I ended the conversation consoling her…

After days…I got another SHOCKING news…Lol..this time…I WAS THE VILLAIN…grrr…Rags was laughing when she told me this news…Yeah, it was almost a joke…but then it hurt my inner feelings…

So, it so happened… that in real, this instructor "S" had some soft corner for Babs…so after the classess, his family approached Bab’s family for her hand in marriage…and thus their marriage was fixed…Naturally, when few knew about their marriage was on the talks, they might have assumed that it was a Love Marriage or maybe even the Guy might have had boasted among his friends to just show off that they were in love or smthing…Whatever…

Being from a really orthodox family…Babs came to know about her marriage only after the whole thing was fixed…At this point, Babs complained to her cousin, that there r such rumours spinning around and she is upset about it…Naturally, his cousin put forth a genuine concern… “Babs, why should Jzt say such things…she know u well…still why did she say so…What do u think…Did Jzt have any soft corner for S when u all were in the classes…Maybe, she is in love with that boy…and she doesn’t want u to marry him…So maybe she is trying to misguide u….”….

I wouldn’t have been hurt, if it was just a concern from Bab’s cousin…but then…Babs too at some point felt, Was there any truth in that… Even after knowing me inside out, she started wondering…and let Rags know… “Hey Rags do u think Jzt has some affection for S…”…. Rags who knew not even half of what Babs knew of me…gave a good piece of her mind to Babs for misunderstanding my intention…She even told her that it was she who asked me to called Babs…and explained how we came to know of the rumours and all…

Anyways…soon Babs got married…today she is a happily married wife and mother of 2 kids…Only after their marriage did Rags actually tell me these parts of the story…uhm…I was hurt…still hurt…When I met Babs after that, I did tell her openly that I was hurt..and she apologized…But…

The wound was already formed…how much ever medicine u put, the wound might heal…but some scars could never fade…This was a scar in our friendship…uhmm…

I realized a bitter truth…keep your head off when somebody is in love…as ur words could turn and bite you itself… as they say…LOVE IS BLIND and LOVERS ARE MORE BLIND… be it a truth that u r saying, unless they realize the truth their own way…ur words would never make them realize…So keep your advices to yourself…

“Keep your Mouth Shut…”

NB: By the by, Rags is still in this country...happily married (lol..a big story..ofcourse she married her lover only) and have 2 kids...After this issue, we started getting really close...Its then, she opened up to me that she always felt bad that I never used to be close to her...and gave more importance to Babs...uhmmm...I feel bad...Many a times, we fail to recognise the real diamond...right??? I am making up for my past mistake...We have been in close touch and I tell her almost everything about me...and She is truly a Best Friend for me today...

I am in Love...!!!

Wow...its been quite a long time that I haven't been in here...Trust me, guys...I am not lazy...but I am just tied up with work...and some other stuffs...week ends have been really tiring and busy with some appointment on every week end...in the last one month I have attended 4 birthdays, hosted 3 dinners, quite a few house visits which were pending from quite some time and so on...still remains some more house visits which is a bit far away from where we stay...so been putting it off..but might do it next week...

At office, I am stuck with extra responsibilities added onto my job profile and that makes every week day just fly off...It wasn't long b4 when I used to drag myself into my office on a Sunday and wait with such a yearning heart for the Thursday, the week end to come fast...and it always felt as if the thursdays would never come...but once I was offered this new responsibilities I got so busy with work daily, that some days, I even forgot that it was past lunch time...uhmmm...Good for me...I had no time to yawn or doze off...lol!!!

But in between all this...I had found time to do just one thing....and maybe it was bcoz of this one thing that kept me away from your people...uhm...and what is that..You could guess that from the title of this post...Yes...LOVE...yeah, friends I am in love...madly in love...You must be wondering..how could I..being a married woman...a mother of a 2 year old...and now falling in love...maybe some of you must be now thinking... "Oh maybe u r in love with ur husband.." for those of u who r thinking so...I am sorry...he's not the one...

Guys, I know, its odd for me to say this aloud...I am not too old a woman...its not too late to fall in love again either...but then, why can't I fall in love...being married can never stop someone's heart not to fall in love...right???Atleast, I believe so...and I would like to stand by that... Especially, when I had the courage to face the fact and tell it openly to my husband also...He understood, that what I was feeling was true from my heart and I shouldn't be made fun of for this feeling...neither could I be blamed for that...So he smiled and accepted my love...as usual...thats what he had done, whenevr I discussed about my boyfriends or guys who flirts with me...He knew I could manage it very well...This time, he was a bit insecure for sure...still he had to accept it..I gave him no other choice...uhmm...

Anyways...now..the tragedy is...My love has been accepted by everybody around me...now the only person remaining to know about it and accept me is the person who I am in love with...I loved him without even his knowledge...I loved the way he behaved...I loved his nature...his character...his strength..his weakness and what not...I love every thing about him...and I just wish that I could meet him and tell all this to him on his face...I know, it is impossible...atleast, in the present scenario, it is more than impossible...I can't blame anybody for my fate...

I still know, that my love is real...and I wish I had met him years back...atleast I would have waited for him my whole life...Now, no use brooding over what is past...I can't do anything about it now...Atleast, what I am hoping now is to meet him some day and just let him know that I just fell in love with him for what he is...

I am sure, you would be wondering why I didn't go and tell him this till now...Friends, I can't...he is far away from my reach...rather, he is no where in my reach...He is not alive...he was never alive...He just lives in my memory...I can't love someone who gave a body to my love...I can love only that person...

That is my love...Rather he is my love...My love...uhmm...what is wrong with me if I fell in love with him...Is it not love...what is my fault that I fell in love with not a live person but a Character...I fell in love with the Hero of a Novel...I just got crazy about a person who was just the result of an imagination of Stephanie Meyer...What is my mistake if I fell in love with not a man but a Vampire...

But, still..with all my heart...let me tell u...I am crazily obsessed with Edward, the Vampire from the Series of Twilight....lol!!!Now I feel a bit shy...or rather embarassed...of all the men in this world...How could I...Why couldn't I fall in love with some human being...atleast some one who was not just imaginary...grrr...but what to dooooo...

Afterall...I am Me...and I am in Loveeeeeeeeeee....!!!

Nb: Now guys, don't think, I am in love with the Hollywood Actor who enacted Edward's role in the Twilight Movies...Sorry, wrong thinking...I just don't care who was the actor or how he look like...till date, I haven't even seen a trailer of the movies...I happened to read the Twilight Series...and fell in love with the character Edward...Maybe that is the exact way, I always wished my love should take care of me...the way he loves Bella, the heroine....grrr...I envy her...grrrrr...I wish, if I would ever meet some one who take care of his love the way he does...In this world, is there really any such person anywhere ALIVE....I doubt that...lol!!! Anyways, I have told my hubby...If anywhere in this world, a person like Edward really exists...and if he ever comes in front of me and love me the way Edward loves Bella...that day, my hubby should set me free...lol!!!...God, Am I really Mad...or am I close enough to get some medical attention??? hehe!!! By the by, missed to tell you...the very little free time that I had the last month, I was spending it reading the first three series of the Book...and that is why I couldn't find some spare time to post in a blog...lol!!!

Mom, I Love You...

I was 6 or 7 years old then…The venue is my uncle’s house and it’s the 14th day after the death of my uncle’s mother. As part of traditional belief or custom, there is a ritual to be followed by the son of the deceased at their residence. Accordingly, the morning of the D-day was very busy with visitors still pouring in with condolence and relatives being part of the rituals…By afternoon, the house was filled with just very close relatives and even that added up to atleast 30-40 people in there…

*******************
A Detailing of the Situation:
If my memory hasn’t failed, that day there was some huge strikes going on all around the city protesting the attacking of a popular politician…the mob was angry that their leader was attacked and people were really into the roads to protest and show their support to their leader….As part of the protest, that day, there was to be a rally taking place with thousands of people participating. So from afternoon, the police blocked almost all roads and the roads were filled with the protestors walking in lines and moving thru every single street in the city…I still remember, the line took more than 2 or 3 hours to cross our house once started…so u can imagine how big the rally was…and the mood was ANGER..ofcourse…
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OK...let me come back to my story…so by afternoon, all these relatives that was left back at home naturally couldn’t go back to their respective houses due road blocks…so all the adults took seats at the balcony on the second floor of the building…and all the kids (including me) went to the terrace and continued playing…So now the scene is… “The adults in the floor below is sitting and watching the passing procession and we kids above playing…”

Now, what happened was…two of my cousins had a fight and they started up an argument…I got bored and started scribbling on the floor with a red brick in my hand…I was drawing pictures on the floor and the sides of the boundary wall of the terrace…and between was gazing out into the procession seeing the thousands of people passing by…

But, then…that happened before even I could realize…as I was standing at the edge of the terrace…one of cousin pushed the other one and she fell on me…in my panic to not to fall, the stone flew off my hand and fell down…just inches off from the passing public…[Now, remember, it was an angry mob…and if the stone had fallen into the group…it could have been mistook as some enemy group peltering them with stone and that could have resulted in a riot where these people could have just stormed into our house and thrashed all of the people in there…that day, I didn't know any of of the seriousness of the matter...Lucky for me, that the stone didn’t give me up on me that much…]

But, how lucky was I…bcoz, as soon as this stone fell on the floor…I saw my dad’s bro almost flying up to the terrace…His face was red…he was angry…and he was holding a stem of a banana tree…(actually I don’t know the exact word to be used for that DAMN thing…if u remember…u cut off the bananas from their plant as a one whole bunch…the whole set of bananas grow in a thick hard stem…usually, we pluck out bananas from this part and by the end, only the thick stem remains…Now, my uncle came up with this stem with no bananas, but with lots of protruding from where the bananas where once plucked…if you see the picture to the right...and imagine this long rough thing without the bananas on them...this remained after the traditional lunch which was always accompanied with bananas.)…Anyways, my uncle reached us and he just shouted out… "WHO THREW THAT STONE…?”…

I was really a kid…and STUPID too…not even realizing why he was so angry at such a small thing…I smiled and enthusiastically started answering… “Uncle…”

He didn’t let me complete…THUDDDDD….the rough end of the stem had already made it mark on my right thigh…Great, I was wearing a short frock, so the damn thing really could help itself on my thigh…I felt as if my vision was going off…I could feel stars flying all around me…I just couldn’t understand what happened a second back…I WAS LOST...all I could see is that my uncle dashing down the stairs the same way as he came up…

I was scared to dead…no voice came out of me even to weep..but my eyes were overflowing…my thighs were bleeding and giving a red colour to my white frock...and soon I saw the same uncle’s daughter coming running to me and pulled me to go down…she said, I was being called…I couldn’t move…I felt, that I was being called for more beatings…She dragged me down…as soon as we reached the second floor..it was my dad’s turn…not even asking me WHAT, he just dragged me all the way down the stairs to the ground floor…by holding my right hand…I literally hit each steps with the sides of my body as I was being pulled down…and shamefully let me admit…I was peeing all the way down due horror …

I was dragged into the house…and here my mom was sitting with many other ladies..none of them knew nothing of what happened outside…My mom suddenly saw my father fuming with anger dashing into the house dragging me on the floor all the way…She was terrified…her first reflex action made her carry me and push me into the bathroom and locked the door and guarded the door…I could hear her screaming and shouting… “WHAT HAPPENED…WHAT DID SHE DO…”…

I don’t remember anything after this…maybe I fell unconscious…maybe I forgot everything due fear…what ever…I remember, I hated my dad’s bro after that…and I hated his daughter more for taking me down…lol!!! Only days later, everybody knew the truth…that actually I NEVER THREW ANY STONE….IT JUST FELL OFF ACCIDENTLY… and the worst part was…when this stone fell..one of the old lady in the house lied that it fell on her head…when it really didn’t fall anywhere near her…that is what increased the intensity of the after effects…grrr..how I hated her, when I knew about this lie she said…Anyways, once my uncle knew that he mistook me…he pampered me with all sort of gifts to say SORRY…and in that age…those gifts were more than enough…I was ready for one more thrash…lol!!!

Only after years, I realized how bad that day turned out to be…Only then I could understand the real terror that might have happened if the stone had fallen into that rally…(afterall I was a kid..I knew nothing of politics or protests…uhmm…)…

And with this one thrash my uncle made on me…a big family issue broke out…my mom was absolutely not approving of my uncle thrashing me…FOR WHAT SO EVER REASON…I came to know that my mom fought every single person who supported my uncle, including my dad…saying… “I don’t like anybody hitting my daughter…I haven’t given that authority to anybody…and HOW could u thrash her so mercilessly with that stem which is usually used to thrash cattles…I can never pardon you for that…”…. This outpour made everybody angry against my mom…they raised their brows for my mom talking back to them like that… They tried KEEP QUIET and don’t talk like that…but my mom still protested…

Years later, when I knew this…I was overwhelmed…I doesn’t remember anything like that about that day…but knowing that my mom stood there protecting me did make me sooo emotional…and even today...as I type this in…my eyes r wet imagining my mom protecting me against all the relatives…

Mom, Thanks for standing up for me…thanks for supporting me…thanks for trusting and believing me...thanks for going against all your loved ones just to protect me… Mom, I love you…

I will always love you, Mom….

My First Love Letter...

My first love letter...Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkk, I hate to even think of that,of all the people in the world, I got my first love letter from a stranger...The letter was ofcourse in ENGLISH...God, help meeeeeeeeee....the letter was the best proof that this boy knew not much of english and grammars and spellings...I doesn't remember the complete letter..but still, let me jot down what ever I remember of the letter...

Deer sweethart,

I want to tell you I love you. I wait 3 year tell you. I afraid. First I see you at the shop. I love you then. I come behind to your house that day. You not see me. I want know about you. So I made friend your neibor. He told all thing of you. 3 years I am behind you. You not know. I loved you like god.

when I see you, I sure God made you for me. 100% sure.your eyes beautiful. your smil beautiful. your face beautiful. no use make-up. I like nature beauty. I like you. Promise. I want marry you. .....

etc etc...and thus went on the whole letter... at times, I feel, reading that letter was the most difficult thing, I have ever done...if you guys didnt understand wht he meant..let me tell you..he meant, he first saw me at a shop before 3 years and from then he is loving me...he was always following me and I never noticed him...he even befriended my neighbour to know more about me and thats how he know everything about me...When he see me, he feels god had made me for him... and he likfe my smile,eyes, face...and also requesting me never to use make-up as he like natural beauty. and he want to marry me...

Goddd, help me...the letter made me crazy....if you had read the rest of the letter you would have really felt like trashing the author up...lol!!! What happened to that guy and his love...will write another day...

You might be wondering what I did with the letter...Nothing...I just tore off the letter and threw it into the air...uhmmm... But till date, I regret tearing the letter off...ATLEAST I COULD HAVE KEPT IT AS A MEMORIAL...and maybe could have shown it to my kids in the future to teach them how bad can grammatical errors be...lol!!!

A Friend in a Stranger...

A very small phase of my life from the past, but…it was years later (rather too late) that I realized how big a part that phase was inmy life…The Phase of Love…yes, its true…Love, even if it is in the minutest form, would always be large enough to make an inerasable mark in ones life…

Those were days when the person who I thought was my best friend had broken my trust putting me in a dilemma with many questions… “Should we trust anybody ever…Are friends for real…” etc etc…I needed something to ward my mind off…THAT SOMETHING which I did for fun got me a stranger as friend…FRIEND?

A stranger for a friend..???uhm...Was I back to my self??? NOPE…this time I am not going to trust anybody…and let them take me for granted…I decided…”I am going to be rough and tough…If the so called friend ever try to break my trust, I would do that to him before he even think of doing it to me…”… Thus I was cautious…

From words to voice…that’s how we came to know each other…Our common interest, MUSIC… all that we discussed was music…we used to exchange lyrics of songs…favorite songs…we even used to sing out loud….lol!!! We enjoyed every moment of it…atleast I was enjoying…I was forgetting my pains…I was happy to have him as a friend…

Soon we both knew, that we were in love…both of us had learnt every bit of the other in the longest detail, and therefore, there was no fear of secrets...no fears of breaking the trust….but still there was one fear taunting me… “To love and get hurt” was the last thing I wanted…Some sixth sense said, YOU ARE GOING TO GET HURT… I was selfish…I was… I showed a new face…a face with no love…a face with no commitments…a face with nothing more than friendship…I shaped the whole thing into Infatuation…

With this infatuation, the uncertainty, the “so called friendship”….we met…with no commitments we spend long hours together…we were not sure of the future…but decided to cherish the present…we helped each other to forget our pasts…we stood by each other during many of those hard times…we cared for each other…together we warded off the loneliness we were feeling till then…each day, we loved each other (always hiding it in the mask of friendship) as if tomorrow would never come….

In his analysis, “he fell in love with me, not knowing that I could never love him…I was just concerned for him due to the friendship we shared…but still, he can never stop loving me… and he’s not expecting me to love him back…” I agreed to this analysis…When I smiled, he took it as ridiculing his feeling… When I kept quiet, he took it as I was offended…I agreed to all his assumptions…Bcoz, I knew that was the best for both of us… “Why burn yourself by jumping into fire, knowing it would hurt…”…I tried consoling myself…

Tomorrow brought out the harsh truth of life…we have to move apart…as always, even this we did together…we gave each other the courage…the advises…the strength…we parted ways…Even then, he blamed… “You are soo heartless…”..I smiled…because I knew, he never meant what he said…because he knew me…he knew both of our helplessness…Still we parted ways…with the promise of keeping our friendship always alive…He made another promise (even if he never said that, I knew it)… “He would never stop loving me…and would never care if I love him or not…His feelings for me would never change…”

Its years past now…as we promised, our friendship is still alive…we still give strength, courage, advises to each other…

What I still know is, “He still loves me a lot…and will never stop loving me…”

What he still doesn’t know is…, “How much have I cried on the nights when we walked the opposite direction…How hurt am I, even today, thinking of the day we parted...How hard I prayed for us to get the strength to go forward…How, I can never take him out my heart…ever…even if he still stays in my life as just a ‘so called friend’…How I can never disclose my love for this ‘Friend in a Stranger’….”