My thoughts, my emotions, my feelings, my imaginations, my opinions, my fears, my dreams...

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Saturday, December 24, 2016

Smiles….Tears…

The little chick was just out of the egg. Oh, so cute it was looking. Myself, was actually wondering, how I ended up in that alley… Very familiar, but not the place I would want to visit now…but somehow I was there and this beauty was what I saw running around…Smiles…

Poof! Before I could understand what happened. I saw the yellow ball of joy in the clutches of a black bird, maybe a crow…I could clearly see that it was in great pain and trying to get off. The villain was flying off. All I could was to scream and run behind its trail. Crazy me, how can I catch hold of a flying villain with my walking legs… Still I ran, screaming and cursing and think, I even hurled some stones at it. For sure, none reached even close to them. And soon, it was no more in sight… Tears…

Hey, but what is that…its coming running…I could hear the peck peck sound well when it ran towards me with its tiny legs…Oh, my, the little chick…how did it manage to come off from the plate of a hungry villain. It was not time to think of it. As I knew, there was more danger in this world around, and I had to save this poor soul. Like a baby in his mother’s chest, I swooped down and picked him and held him close to my heart…The li’l one was warm and chirpy and was already doing a conversation with me…Silly, doesn’t he know, I don’t understand bird’s language…Smiles…

Within the walls of home, I was already being the big mamma to him…I didn’t wanted to put him down at all. I feared there were dangers that could pounce on this fellow and eat him any time. For that matter, I didn’t know how I can fight back such dangers, but I wasn’t ready to let him off my hand… But I had to set the cradle for the beauty to have a good rest after the adventurous morning. Doing that with one hand was not working much…But hey, where is he. As he lie down there, all lifeless, white in colour; he looked like a Cockroach now more than little chick. Oh god, what did I do… Did I drop him down…Tears…

I had to do something…Cupped inside my palm; so small was he and I let him die…How could I be so careless. I wanted to revive him. All the movies had only taught me how to save a human being. But this little bird, what will I do. I tried pressing his chest. Slowly, blew into his face...With tears, I was yearningly praying to see hope…to see his heart beat again…Wait a minute, is he moving…Oh yes, he is…his wings are slowly moving…He is waking up…from the sleep…Get up, birdie, Get up…Smiles…

Trrrrrrinnnnnggggg...Time 4.30am....With eyes open…I lay there, on my bed...The alarm was still ringing and I kept wondering what was it…Am I going crazy or just that I was born Crazy…Why do I see such dreams…People say, dreams are always related to your thoughts or experiences or past or at times even future…. My dreams tends to be long and even silly. Now, what is this silly dream trying to show me…No idea…I didn’t now know what to do…

Smiles….Tears…

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

I am not OK...


Since the last 'gone-wrong conversation'; mind has been restless. I knew, it was already late…too late to have that open talk with mom. Knowing clearly, how she would react, always kept me from making her a confidante in my life. Her views were always based on “TRADITION, CULTURE, SOCIETY” and it never matched my outlook on life. She would go hysteric on hearing anything that was against what the usual “EXPECTED” society made norms. This made me apprehensive to be open to her on my most personal feelings – be it joy or sorrow.

Today, I purposefully, took one day annual leave; to talk to her. Rather, open up to her and try to make her realise what was I going through and why this idea of “Lone Trip” was in my agenda. The past nights were restless as I was repeatedly, planning, scripting, rehearsing the moment when I would TRY opening up to her.

As luck could have it, brother too was at home. Completely wrong day… I was so hoping to be alone when I start this conversation. Thus I waited until afternoon, to finally find my mom alone in her room. I went inside, “Amma, I need to talk to you…”. As expected, her face changed to one with ‘worry’. She was already getting into a hyper mode, I knew it.

As I continued, “Amma, please don’t take this conversation on a Society perspective and try to see it as your daughter’s feelings. I really want to talk to you. I AM NOT HAPPY.

SILENCE… as stupid can I be, tears started overflowing my eyes and I was choking with pressure within…

"Amma, all that discussion on the trip. You should try to understand, why am I being so….”

Stopped short, not due tears, but mom had already started off. She was outpouring all her anger on the last conversation and HOW SHE CANT LET A GIRL GO ALONE ON A TRIP and HOW IT IS NOT ACCEPTED IN SOCIETY etc etc etc…She was so outrageous as she was shouting on my audacity to expect to do such a trip and I could clearly see that she saw nothing else over that conversation…She didn’t see my tears, she didn’t see that I was trying to break open a barrier that was always between us… She saw nothing…

Her loud voice had invited brother’s attention and he too entered the scene. Now, this was something I never wanted as he started asking worriedly on what was happening. I rose from my seat and as I dashed out, “Amma, THIS IS WHY… I could never be open to you. You always complained that I wasn’t being open to you. Now, you saw? You want a daughter who always smiles and be happy in front of u. All my life, I had done that. I have accepted everything for the sake of you and dad, be it was against my own happiness or wishes. You are fine, as you feel that wud keep me happy. But NO. For once, today, I tried to finally tell you, how unhappy I am in my life and how serious is my personal life… I begged to u to look at it as a mother to a daughter and not thru the society’s eyes. BUT… Sorry, I made this mistake of trying to talk to you. U will be happy with the charade I have been putting on all these years. I will…hence forth too. As long as I can, I will. But remember, ONE DAY, I will reach my limits and, that day, don’t be sad or blame me for what happens…”

For me, it was as if WHERE DID I GO WRONG…Through my room’s closed door, I could hear, brother talking to mom on why she reacted so when I had to share something…etc etc. Maybe he felt, I was serious. I didn’t wanted to hear anything. But… soon I found amma sitting by my side with her head bowed down… I could see that she was hurt and feeling sorry...She wanted to know what was the issue and am I ok...

I had nothing to say…Afterall, what could I say…how could I explain…All the courage, the rehearsals and days long planning was not helping me anymore. I was blank… With tears, I could just say…

I am not OK…

Friday, December 9, 2016

I need to talk...


I was good at smiling even when I was burnt down by the harsh realities of life… my smile always helped me to camouflage the real me. For I felt, the real me would be a pain to my loved ones. I was immature, that I grew up in that way. Hiding my true feelings and trying to keep everybody happy. Time taught me that was wrong, but did that bring any change in me? No…Unfortunately No. I still continue to do the same mistake…

In the quest for giving happiness to everybody, what did I attain… Frustration, just sheer frustration… to oneself and to others. But when, I didn’t take care of my own happiness, why expect it from others. Not everybody would be fools to live taking care of the other’s happiness. Atleast, I know not many who would do that…

That’s how, I ended up hurting myself…. hurting my love…hurting my self-esteem… For the past one year, I have been thinking of doing this solitary travel to the mountains and undergo a detox program. I wanted to be alone and face the challenge of that adventure of being alone. It excited me. But, to do that, I would need to hurt some loved ones…or rather One…

My mom… being the orthodox woman, she can never accept any female travelling alone in this cruel world… And when it is her own daughter, she is scared that all the disasters of the world is all set to fall over her child…All mothers think so…I agree… But where I disagreed was the reasons she pointed out…What the society will say…and I hated it… By now, I realise that if there was anything that had hindered my happiness; it always had an indirect connection to “WHAT SOCIETY WOULD THINK”…

Decisions I made was always for my happiness… and their decisions were based on the so called “SOCIETY”… but now what… So for past one year, I was indirectly brining this topic of my travelling, every now and then, into any general talks at home. I was trying to prepare my mom for the shock and expected she wouldn’t be as surprised as she could be otherwise…Though, every time I mentioned about it, she kept repeating…”Go wherever u want, but take your son with you.” It was her displeasure that resonated in those words.

But today…Today, my cousin had visited us. She is very close to mom than us, talking regularly on phone and keeping in touch etc etc (I should confess, I am bad at keeping in touch with relatives.) So in between the talks, this talk about travelling came up. A very general talk…

Me: Oh Didi, I am going in January to XXXX... (Awaiting for a reaction...) 
Mom: With WHOM? (Brows up)
Me: Alone… (Ofcourse…)
Mom: You will NOT… (Irritated…)
Me: I will. I have been telling this for long. (Stern...I am not moving...)
Mom: You WILL, after I die… (Angry…)
Me: Amma, LETS NOT ARGUE ON THIS. IF I AM DECIDING TO GO, I WILL. PLEASE DON’T MAKE AN ISSUE OUT OF THIS. (PERIOD, fed up)
Mom: ……… (SILENCE which is dangerous than any other statement….)

The conversation continued with a lecture by my cousin on WHY SHOULD I GO ALONE and WHY DON’T I GO WITH HUSBAND…etc etc etc… But nothing was getting through my senses… I knew for sure, that both me and mom is now going through the same emotions…

Frustration…and Silence….and I knew it…

I need to talk…

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Little did I...


Left you hurt all alone that one day…
With tears that bled our heart with pain…
For what but to keep alive someone’s smile…
Little could I see the pages followed next…

What did I loss and what did I gain…
In the journey to bring some smiles…
All that I needed came with a price tag…
Little did I know that tears had a zero tag…

Days and months paved ways to years…
Things changed, people changed…but…
What is that never changed; but our love…
Little did I feel that I had once lost it all…

Keen are my ears against your heart…
As you held me close to feel the world…
There I heard the silent journey of our love…
Little did I care to move from that divinity…

All that love and care was all that I yearned…
To colour my life with a thousand dreams…
Holding thy hand that assured eternity…
Little did I wish to see the world any more…