My thoughts, my emotions, my feelings, my imaginations, my opinions, my fears, my dreams...

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Follow me in this Journey of Revelation and encourage me with your valuable opinions and comments...

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Bless you, baby...


Innocence…one thing that makes me still believe that this world is not all that bad…every time I go down in my mood swings…there is this one thing that raise my spirit up. After all, he is the purpose of my life today. One person, I have taken for granted…My sweetheart, my little son who is no longer little but is slowly growing up into a handsome boy…

The way he behave, at times I feel he is too immature. And some other times, his in-depth analysis of certain subjects really surprise me off. And these days, I am very seriously trying to control my behaviour towards him or rather trying to stop taking him for granted. Showing my frustration to him and not able to control my temper is taking me through a very bad guilt trip…

After all, he is that gem of a person who has wiped my tears and said, “Amma, don’t worry… don’t cry…I am with you na…I will never leave you. So don’t cry…Smileee”… When I was mourning appup’s sudden demise, the way he tried handling me was so overwhelming. “Amma, don’t be sad. Whenever you feel like sleeping on appupa’s lap, you can lie down on my lap and think it is appuppas. I can hug you so much that you will not miss appuppa. Don’t be sad Amma. Otherwise, appuppa will also be sad.”

How can a 8 year old boy say such things? I have wondered. Does he even realise the intensity of the words he speak? I have wondered. Can he be so matured to behave as if he is not my son, but my father? I have wondered.

The other day, I was back home after the farewell party for my boss. Somehow, I never enjoy Indian food from a five star restaurant. As they tend to literally kill the authentic Indian taste to match the spice/taste quotients of all the other nationalities. How can you have a Kadai Chicken immersed in sweetness. All the curries looked same with loads of tomato puree. Anyways, the food didn’t matter much then. The whole team being together to bid goodbye to our boss was the moment.

Anyways, at home, everybody wanted to know how the exotic restaurant that I had my evening. As expected, I let out my exasperation on spending 1000s for an Indian dinner which didn’t even soothe my taste buds..hehe!! As always, my son was the last one with his questions.

“Amma, how was your evening?"

“Good Baby, but I did not enjoy the food much.”

“Ohhh, so how much was the bill.” (Maybe, he overheard me getting ouwww over the huge bill)

“That was huge sweetheart. It was around XXXX.”

“OMG,” his usual self, “Ammaaaa, that is biggggg amount. Why did you waste so much money?”

“Baby, company paid for it, not me.”

“Still Amma. Why? You could have just given that money to your boss.”

“WHAT?”

“Yes Amma, you could have just given it to your boss. Poor man, he doesnot have a job now. Atleast he could use that money to buy food for his child.”

I was bursting with laughter. “Ohooo, baby…he already got a job. He will not be poor, don’t worry. What you said is true, we should not have wasted so much money. But still, he is not poor and he will have money for his child.”

“Ohhhhhh, Okkkkkkk… hmmmm…”, he was not completely convinced, I knew it.

“Still Amma, still you could have just given the money to him. Atleast he would have bought some gift for his child at the airport when he go to his country.”
Hahahahaha…he had his point…

Bless you, baby!!!

Monday, January 23, 2017

CONTROL+ALT+DELETE...


The trip was short and difficult…Finally, I faced the first obstacle…flying to my native place without having my Appups to meet me with his hug. Deliberately, stayed away from even roads that lead me to his home. Inspite of trying hard to keep myself completely busy with all the government works I had to handle; every now and then, I kept bursting into tears. Succeeded in staying off as much as possible from every single relatives too. Thanks to a dear old friend who was there by me thru every single day to take me around safe and sound.

Anyways, need more time…until I can go back to his home without him…

In the tiresome try to ignore the pain that was hurting me deep within, I was keeping myself busy with chores and other thoughts. But maybe, a negative mind could only bring in those sad pasts to get nostalgic. This trip again brought back those memories  which was kept deep within as "unwanted" past... Years back, I had made a similar trip to this city... with a heavy heart… something was bothering me that day. I really did not wanted to fly. Something said that things were not gonna be alright. My trip was so important and necessary for my health. But I felt, it might not be good for my life.

Feeling upset is not a bad thing. Not knowing what am I upset for was not a good feeling. That’s exactly what I had gone thru those days… I remember, with tears I had boarded the flight that night...and before long, I realised…I was losing my life from my own hands. Like the soft sand falling off; I was trying hard to hold on to my life till that day… The life that I had always wished for, the life I was enjoying…to love and be loved…

Maybe, the life that was never meant to be mine. Maybe, it was just a glimpse of WHAT I CANT GET… maybe…

With that one trip, I finally closed my treasure box of wishes and dreams…I accepted, rather agreed to accept someone else’ dream as mine. I had always known that it would not be an easy journey, thereafter…But…how would I have known that it would turn out to be an impossible one…with no return…

Today, its been years…I lost what I wanted the most... for the sake of others. Years later, they ridiculed, “NOBODY ASKED YOU TO SACRIFICE FOR US”…a bit too late, isn’t it…I had already made the choice to sacrifice my own happiness by burning someone else’s happiness too. At the end, what did anybody achieve? Why? Why is it always so, that someone’s happiness depended on burning another’s? In the rush to bring pride, to self, they forgot that the foundation of that fake pride was somebody’s tears…Afterall, what did they gain…what was it all for...

Trust me, if I am given a choice today to delete one moment off my life, that flight to my home city would be one...Atleast, I would have had a hope that things wouldn't have been so as it is today...If it was easy as a folder on your computer...to just delete...and remove it completely off the recycle bin too...Just press....

CONTROL+ALT+DELETE...

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Its time...


Its not an easy conversation. Whenever, I think of a trip to my native land, I get the shivers…Landing in that city was always running out to hug my Appups… and this time, there wud be no appups to pick me from airport nor to hug me and see me off. He had always tried to come to the airport to see me off. Though, I always asked him not to…

Now, I am in a tight situation. If I need to avoid another controversy with some close family, I would need to make up my mind and take the flight home. Close family ties are a curse at times. I never enjoyed the difficulties that came with the pleasure of having close family bondage. This was one such moment. With all heart, I wouldn’t want to do this trip. It was as if forcing down a rod through my throat. But…

Worst was to face the most feared. To see those roads, alleys and house that was my appup’s memory. Today, was not great. I value him and his words a lot. And today, he wanted me to face my fear. To visit appup’s home. The house that is just a building now. Even thinking about that cosy home now gives me tears. And he wanted me to go and visit it.

"Nooo, please, I am not ready”, I pleaded. “Please, if you care for me, please do it”, he pleaded too. “I cant, I am not ready,” I was going helpless. Tears were already overflowing and with a lump in the throat. I knew, he too couldn’t bear to see or hear me this way. But, what could I do. I was dreading the moment when I walk towards that lone house which will have a closed door and maybe loads of dry leaves all around. It was never so.

He continued, “You need to do it someday. Let it be today, so that will ease u a lot better. You will feel much better, trust me. Don’t you trust me?” I trusted him, with all heart, but…What he was asking me now was already cutting my heart apart. I wished I could scream out. I couldn’t… With tears, I wept hard, “I trust you, but I cant do it now. I cant do it all alone…” He wasn’t ready to leave the matter there, “Do you want me to come with you?”
 

I knew, he wanted to be with me when I do this trip…I also knew, he would need to make many compromises if he had to accompany me. Above all, I knew, he would happily go to any extend to be with me as I face my fear. To hold my hand and take me forward and open my eyes to reality…But, I couldn’t put him through those trouble now, when he himself was going through too much.

"No, its ok… I promise, I will go there… one day, but not this time. Pleaseee… We will travel together, next time, and will visit my appups together. I can do anything for you, but not this, atleast, not now…”

He gave in, “Ok, then we will go together…” He was calm. A storm was rolling within me and my tears couldn’t calm me yet.  “Don’t worry, we will do it together…You will be fine…” Hmmm… I will be fine…Afterall, time needs to heal my wounds, relieve my pain...and...
 

Its time…

Monday, January 2, 2017

Take Care...


Ok, so the New Year started off with a not so great news. But, yes, something that was brewing for sometime and I had somewhat anticipated that this was on the way… My Boss, decided to say Quits… I knew and always wondered, why he wasn’t doing it…As I was expecting this atleast for 6 months now. So it didn’t come in as a shock…

Things weren’t great on a career perspective and I could clearly feel the uneasiness in him… This was the best for him, I know. Who else can understand how difficult it is to work in an environment where you are not happy. I have been thru those days myself. There has been days, when I had wished that I just could disappear and not attend work… Those days are passed. Thankfully, I had some good bosses since then.

He was a good boss. Yes, not everything is perfect, hence he had his own shares of sides that I couldn’t approve of.. hehe!! Now, who is the boss… I know, I will miss him as he has been there to give an ear to my non-stop talks and my woes and jokes too. Especially, during those months, when I was going thru real mental trauma due my grandpa’s illness and later his demise...He has been very understanding and tried seeing me thru the pain. The support he gave me was immense. Never can thank him enuf for the same.

He used to say, “There is only one life and you have lived enuf for others. Now is the time for you to start thinking of yourself and live for urself. Take care of urself and find happiness. Rest all is momentary”... And I would nod my head as I knew well what he meant and I was so helpless to do anything towards “helping myself”…

And this decision to say quits showed that he did what he preached. He was just taking care of himself, his happiness… He wasn’t happy… In his words, he has already crossed his self-defined time limits to stay in one organisation; i.e. 5 years…He has been in this company for past 10years. Though, I clearly knew this was not the reason for his decision... Stil, it was now time to go in search of new horizons and find happiness…

His initial idea to have a break from working was interrupted by a promising offer, I suppose…So now, he is happy and going off to face new and interesting challenges…with a new set of people and vision…I am sad, that I would miss him as a boss. But at the same time, so very happy for him as he is following his happiness. He is doing what would make him happy.

“Dear Boss, My prayers are always with you and I wish you all the best in all your future endeavours…May you find all the happiness and success all through your future…Will miss you, but I know, I will always have you around as a big brother…Take care…”