My thoughts, my emotions, my feelings, my imaginations, my opinions, my fears, my dreams...

Could be yours too...you never know!!!


Follow me in this Journey of Revelation and encourage me with your valuable opinions and comments...

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Live my dream...

Far away the red ball was slowly dipping into the hazy line of mystery…the view was scenic with the clouds slowly drifting apart to bring out the beauty of the scene that was being viewed…It could be miles and miles away…yet everything seems so close by. Just as if with one hand you can grab it in and hug it close to your heart…

Below me was the slippery sand…deep and dry; yet soothing…with a warmth of mother earth, I was sitting with my legs stretched in front of me as if to rest for ever…The tired feet felt warm with the massage of the blowing breeze as if to take off all its pressure… Think, I was worried of the sand getting into my clothes…but an assurance that nothing wud happen made me feel at ease…

All around was just ‘nothing’…Nothing but the dunes… an envelope that covered me from the outer world… a hideout, a safe place to be…without being seen by any intruder’s eye…I could now feel Magic…magic all around…and what was the magic all about…Was it the blazing sun…or the beautiful earth… or the blowing wind…

No…the magic was not in any of them…this time, it was something else. What was it that I was leaning to? What was it that made me feel not alone? What was it that was spelling out the magical feel?

As I sat there on the warm ground leaning against his chest, watching the beautiful sunset far away …His arms around me holding me close to his heart…As his cold breath tickled my ears, occasionally moving my hair away…his lips caressed my neck . I snuggled closer to him like a baby to its mother’s chest. Wanting to have more of his warmth and care… Wishing with every passing seconds for the time clock to just stop ticking…Wishing that if this moment never had to end.

Living the dreams was something I could never imagine…Slowly I could hear me whisper, “Will we ever live these dreams in real”… He playfully said, “No…”… He was joking, I knew. But…Is that a truth that I tend to keep aside? Is that the reality that I ignore? Is that the wish that never would happen? Is this a dream that never would come true? I don’t know. I could see myself irritated. But the moment’s magic washed away all the negativity. Now, that I was in my dream, I just wanted to live the dream…just live…

Live my dream…

Friday, August 12, 2016

With a smile…

I don’t know how I survived the moments of uncertainty. When my whole family was going through the fear of losing our most favourite… I was trying to normalise myself. Was wondering should I go to the disco or the movies, take a massage or a spa… I had to do something to take my mind off what was bothering me. I very well realise that it was running away. Running away from the reality and it was clearly not me.

Today was extremely crucial day for all of us. With a weak body but a smiling face, my appups was all set for the test. The doctors had different opinion on if it should be done. Two options were to either go ahead and take the risk and try to find out what is it that is destroying his health day by day or just keep experimenting with every medicines without knowing what are you trying to treat. The family decided to take the risk… I cried when my aunt revealed to me on the phone, “Baby, we should take this risk. This person who is here now, is not our Daddy. And we wont be able to see our daddy like this”...

I had finally decided to face the reality. But wanted to wait for some more time so that I don’t end up weakening others around me. With prayers, I woke up and decided to spend the day with prayers as I knew only god could help me now; help us…As my appups was the Strength of our family. He was the pillar of the strong bond that we share with each other and we were facing something that none of us ever wanted to…Every phone calls, gave a shiver within me. Not knowing who the call was from or what news they had to share.

Finally; the wait ended and the phone rang with the news. The test was successfully completed and we have to wait for the results now. My appups came thru the procedure strongly and he wanted to hear our voice. He sounded weak and tired; but he was trying hard to sound jovial as always. Again, I was admiring his ability to bring a smile in all our face even during the most difficult times. This is what I had to learn from him.

Life is filled with joys and sorrows, ups and downs, happy and sad days. We need to face many harsh realities that we might never would love to face. Accept them. Face them. Fight them…

With a smile…

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Please god, please help…

I am strong…I was strong and I will be strong…but…

I feel weak today…helpless, desperate and depressed. How I wish, I could change myself and get back to the strong me…How I wish I could hold my tears back and have my smile back…How I wish I could make myself to move out of my shell and go and embrace my weakness… But, No…I am not able to do any of this…Thru night and morning, I have been dragging myself thru this trauma of not facing the reality… I couldn’t even imagine the moment when my fears might come true…

I know; as years pass by, I should be prepared to accept the universal truth that “One day, all of us should leave…”… I remember myself praying selfishly to let me leave first before those I love. I feel I will not be able to face those moments...Especially, the past year has been playing games with me and I have cultivated (yes, I used the right word as I was doing nothing to fight my fear but kept growing it within me) this depressing thoughts in me that is taking a troll in my mind. Every now and then, I think of those fears and ends up going weak and crying.

I knew, it is stupid of me when I cry out thinking of the moment when I would yearn for those favourite dishes made by my mom and WHAT IF she is no longer around to make them for me… WHAT IF I would feel like seeing her and will not be able to “ever”… WHAT IF I want to apologise to my dad for all those fights we do, be it for my love and concern for him and I can’t do it… WHAT IF I want to hug my Appups and get pampered by him like always and will not even able to meet him again.

Ok, I am going crazy or maybe I am crazy. This is not me, the usual me never used to do this. This realisation is what made me think of taking a break and go off on a trip all alone. I wanted to just be somewhere, where I was alone to put down all my fears, fight them myself and come back strong. The decision was very strong and I had fixed in my mind that nothing or none can change my decision to do this solitary trip… but….

Time…Time can change anything, any decisions… I had to cancel my trip and once again facing my fear…I have once mentioned about my Appups and how closely bond I am with him…Every passing years, only have strengthened the intensity of our closeness…But now, back home, he is going thru tough time…Its tough for him, I know, bcoz of his helplessness that he is not able to do anything to relieve his kids’ tension and sorrow. As kids, be it his own children or grandchildren, we are all praying every moment that his health gets better and the fears of the diagnosis of what the illness cud be should not come true.

Someone who never ever been to a hospital bed is now in the hospital bed all tired and weak… I cant even bear to think of him in that way… Far away, in this place, I am going weak thinking of the worst. The more optimistic I am trying to be, the more weaker my fears are making me…I so much want to see him and hug him hard. But I fear, I might not be able to control my emotions in front of him.

Instead, I am trying to run away from the thoughts. I want to think that he is absolutely fine there and while I to keep myself soooo busy that I wouldn't get a chance to think…think of him. I have cried and screamed all alone to vent off the pressure that is building up within me. I walked in the hot sun. Killed myself in the gym and trying to sleep without any dreams or thoughts. Trying to laugh, smile, joke, have fun, eat nonstop to forget thinking of anything else. Avoiding all discussions on the subject and instead find other stupid topics to talk to my friends and if possible get into arguments that could frustrate me….

But, I need to make a decision now… Should I go to him? Do I want to be with him now and be it for better or worse, just be with him… Or do I want to just treasure his good old Super Daddy memories to stay fresh always in my thoughts… if I see him in this weak condition, wouldn’t that torture me all my life? I don’t know, I seriously don’t know…I am going so weak that I am not able to make a decision. Inspite of so much wanting to see him, I am not able to book my tickets and fly off to him…I know, if anybody can help, its me who should help myself to be strong... But, I am not able to do my bit, so I want god to help me out…Give me the strength to fight this battle...Take off all his illness and make him healthy forever…pleaseeeeee…

Please god, please help…

Friday, August 5, 2016

How I wish...


Oh, My heart is off on a journey…
To the land of mountains high,
As it trails the winding roads;
How I wish I was striding along…

As it swiftly pass by the scene…
Was it the ferny trees up the hill,
Drenching my eyes with lush green;
How I wish I was striding along…

As it slowly wanders around…
Was it the blue water down the hill,
Filling me with the sweet sound;
How I wish I was striding along…

As it calmly float by the view…
Was it the wind above the hill,
Chilling me with the icy strew;
How I wish I was striding along…

Oh, my heart is off on a journey…
Without me, it traversed all along,
Whispering to my soul, “Follow me”;
How I wish I was striding along…