Cruel as the Grave...

I was reading a mail from my Dost today…and in there he said… “I am a bit jealous too!!!”…now before you all start assuming what he might have been jealous for…let me tell you..with a bit of a Halo around my head…He was jealous of me…lols….Yeah..as per him…he likes my blogs and my writing style..and he felt jealous on that…

So, while I was reading his mail…one face came to my eyes…a face that I haven't seen for more than 10-12 years...Its been years, that I haven’t thought of her…She was a good friend of mine from the age of 10 and we were in same school till Age 15…the meaning of her name was Light; so lets call her so….but somehow, from the first day I met her…I always thought that was the only thing she missed in her life…Light…Light of Love…Light of Affection…Light of Intelligence...and so on…She was a beautiful singer…apart from that she was inactive in anything and everything…

Now the irony of her life was her Mom…Just opposite to her character, Aunty was like a Super Hero in the field of Art, Literature and Popularity …. to be frank…’Light’ always reminded me of Cinderella and Aunty to be the step mother…bcoz the horrifying abusive stories that Light used to share with me, really made me believe that indeed Aunty was a Monster…(till date, I don’t know if what she said was right…still….) Light used to come to school daily with new marks on her body…Red marks of Trouser Belts…or Burnt skin…wounds etc etc…and she sadly claimed all of them to be gifted by her mom…

When asked for a reason…there was none…sometimes for walking slowly…sometimes for not sitting straight…sometimes for talking…sometimes for not talking…and so on…daily I would sit and listen to these stories and feel sad for her…Many a times I wished I could take her home and let her live with me… which was impossible…This was a preface to my main story…

[About me…I really need to tell you about me to understand the cause of the whole story…I was an extreme extrovert and tomboyish from school days…As my mom would rightfully say… “I had skin of a rhino or hippo…”…as I had no fear to get into any thing and everything… The truth was… “With the motto of bunking the maximum number of classes, daily I thought of excuses to not attend lectures…Instead I started participating in any contest or competition held anywhere in or around my school…”…Thus, I became a singer, dancer, guitarist, painter, poet, athlete and what not…I just started looking for new ways to bunk school or classes… and to some extend, I was excelled in the items and managed to bring atleast one of the first three prizes in the contests…
For fear of low marks in school, I had to even study well for exams…else I could have experienced some marks on my body too…hehe!!! My mom would have seen to it…lol!!! So, even after all these extra curricular activities…I used to get above average marks too… All this attributed for myself being a pet of the teachers and nuns of my school….]

Now, the above was not boasting…but I had to tell you that…bcoz in one way or other…directly or indirectly…I play the “Villain” of this story…lol!!! Poor Me…

Anyways, that was a longggggggg preface…

Now, Let me get into my story…So it so happened, Light’s mom started comparing her daughter with me… and she was really irritated on the fact that her daughter was quiet and not so active…to add it up, Light never managed to even score decent marks in exams…and the worst part of all this was 'they were a distant relative of my cousin’s family'…At times Aunty used to tell me that Light is so irresponsible…and I used to support Light and at times tried helping her in her studies…

But as days passed, I started seeing extra marks on her body whenever I accomplished something…If I scored high marks, Light got another slap or burnt mark…If I won a prize in a dance competition, Light came to school with wounds all around her hands or ears…When we have parties and when Aunty sees me dancing; I could witness aunty pinching Light’s hand as long as blood oozed out…I could see her pushing Light towards the dancing floor…and Light used to just come and stand there at the centre of the floor as if SHE WAS LOST…

I knew, there was some problem…but Light never said anything…with me, Aunty used to soooo much like Darling talks…she never behaved indifferent with me…but still marks on Light’s body hurt me and to tell the truth…many a times I prayed to god wishing Aunty would change some day...

Years passed…when it was time for our public exam results…using her political influence Aunty got me my results…(which I had never asked for…and God knows, how she had my ID number…)…She happily announced that I got a 90% for the exam…I wondered, why she had to take the extra step to find my results through the back door…uhmm…anyways…it did ease of some tension of waiting for the results…lol!!!

After that…almost 3 years passed before I saw Light again…She had changed…enormously…She wore highly fashionable clothes…with heavy makeup…and extremely talkative…I was hurrying as I was on my way for some urgent issue…Still I asked her…How was she and Aunty…and even asked her how was her daughter…(ok, now the story is…soon after our 10th public exam…she joined a school…and then she eloped with their college peon… but soon found her way back home with a baby on hand…I had heard this story through some friends….) I didn’t wanted to ask her WHAT and WHY about her marital life…but still for courtesy I enquired about her daughter…

I still remember, the way Light spoke to me…She spoke with an aura of pride and self confidence in her…she told me what she was doing…and her daughter was fine and was at home with a servant…As I was observing the vast change in my “Light”… she continued…

“Dear, do you know something…I have never told you this...My life was hell always because of mom’s extreme expectation about me…and to worsen the situation you came by…and my life became Devilishly Hell with your presence in my Mom’s Head…She was always comparing me with you and always hated you…She was angry evry time you won a prize or got good marks…she was suffocated at the fact that you scored 90% while I score less than 50%... It was hell for me… ”

I was shocked…I wondered…Me…???

She continued… “Yeah, I know, you were always sweet to me…and that’s why I never wanted to tell you all this then…I never wanted to hurt you as you were my only relief those days…Do you know…My mom even always used to Wish that U WERE DEAD…and she even prayed hard for that…Whenever she was talking sweetly to you, at heart she was cursing you...”

I was dead-struck…I couldn’t belive my ears…as Light continued…

“Don’t Worry Dear….I never wished for that and always prayed that mom’s wish shouldn’t be granted…and all my life, I will pray for your good…Mom was just envying your parents…She was JEALOUS…jealous from the core of her heart…I just wanted to tell this to you some day...”

Once she said that, a tear rolled down her eyes and she walked off…I stood there…I was Lost…I didn't stop her to ask for any clarification...neither I needed any...I knew, maybe, she wanted to clear off some sort of guilty feeling from her heart…and I am sure she succeeded in that…and I am happy she did it…

But then…a question that I still ask is…Can Jealousy grow to that extent where you would pray for the death of some other parents’ child…Can it grow to this extent where one could hurt her own child…Can it be called Jealousy towards another or Over-Love towards your own…No answers…As it says in the Bible… “Jealousy is Cruel as the Grave: the coals thereof are coals of fire”

But, now I understand and realize the essence of Lawrence Durrell’s words.

“It is not Love that is blind, but Jealousy…”

Not My Day...

The mobile phone just rang...Just a ring...Its a misscall…The signal to go down and wait near the main road for my colleague…(We go to office daily together…a small adjustment of pooling car…As a daily routine, he would give me a ring when he is just about to reach the main road… and then I will walk my way there and wait for him)…So I rushed out… It was really cold today…and I was freezing …with eager eyes I was tracking each passing vehicle for his car … the endless queue of vehicles…of all shapes and sizes… were just moving one behind another as if they were literally crawling…I hated the traffic…I hated sitting inside the car for endless hours waiting for the traffic to clear up and find ourselves moving…but the more I hated was waiting OUT in the road on a colddddddddddddd morning…without anything to warm me down…and then watch those snakes of vehicles crawling past me…The cold got into my head…I knew it…I was getting irritated…I was losing my temper…

As minutes ticked past, my irritation was rising…I knew, it wasn’t his fault…it was the damn traffic that was making him almost impossible to reach me…he might be just 10 steps from where I was...still it might take the most longest hour to cross even that path…I waited and waited…I was shivering…damn, I am wearing a skirt…I could feel all the pores on my skin standing up as if hearing the national anthem…was embarrassed, imagining IF ANYBODY noticed my almost chicken like stature…I really wanted to scream at my colleague…

Finally, there he is…I knew, I was going to lose it…My face was as if somebody just slapped me…I was angry…angry for no reason…I wanted to just shout at him…Somehow, I did exactly same…as soon as I got into the car FINALLY…I shooted out… “WHY CAN’T U LET ME KNOW IF U R GONNA BE LATE…I WOULD HAVE ATLEAST WAITED INSIDE THE BUILDING…” (I know, he is absolutely not the wrong person…its just that he was on the WRONG SIDE today…)…and then unexpected from him…he blasted back… “I CAN’T FLY…I WAS JUST THERE AND IT TOOK A HELL 20MTS TO REACH HERE..” (he pointed out to the roundabout which was just some 15-20 steps from where I was waiting…)…

I knew I was wrong…and I wasn’t stupid to not understand that HE WAS ALSO NOT IN THE BEST OF HIS MOODS… I guessed… “A fight with his wife..”…still my ego didn’t let me go off…I argued…

Me: Then from tomorrow, I am not going to come out of the house until atleast 10 minutes after the usual time…”

He: No need…Come only after I reach here…I will give u misscall after reaching here…I will wait here

I felt bad…he was hurt…and I hurt him more…but then, even I was having an off mood…

Me: U WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND…WAITING INSIDE THE CAR IN THE COMFORTS OF A HEATER AND STANDING OUT THERE IN THE COLD…

He: I told you…I will give u miss call only after I reach here…Come whenever u want…I will wait…

By now I was trying to calm down…

Me: That’s not needed…Just call me when you reach near that petrol station..I will come down then…

He: NO NEED…I WILL CALL U ONLY ONCE I REACH HERE…

My hyper tension came back...I got irritated again…

Me: OK, DO WHATEVER U WANT...

We completed the rest of the journey in complete SILENCE…

My thoughts:
Why did I get irritated for nothing…? Why should I outpour on him when I myself knew, he was not to be blamed? He was and is a big help for me in my commute to and fro office…and still??? Why is my mood bad today??? What is bugging me??? What am I actually upset about??? Was it because of the cold…was it because he was late…or was it something else…Something that is not clear to me now…Something that is deep down somewhere…Is this some sort of Sixth Sense telling me, that something worse is on the way…God knows…I just knew that something was wrong today and I knew that its not gonna be one of those cool days of my life…I wondered what more was in store for me today…

Just then a Shot of Pain scooted through my brain and I realized...Grr…HE IS BACK…This is absolutely NOT MY DAY…

He was and is one of my worst enemies…He is…

“THE HEADACHE…”

Mom, I Love You...

I was 6 or 7 years old then…The venue is my uncle’s house and it’s the 14th day after the death of my uncle’s mother. As part of traditional belief or custom, there is a ritual to be followed by the son of the deceased at their residence. Accordingly, the morning of the D-day was very busy with visitors still pouring in with condolence and relatives being part of the rituals…By afternoon, the house was filled with just very close relatives and even that added up to atleast 30-40 people in there…

*******************
A Detailing of the Situation:
If my memory hasn’t failed, that day there was some huge strikes going on all around the city protesting the attacking of a popular politician…the mob was angry that their leader was attacked and people were really into the roads to protest and show their support to their leader….As part of the protest, that day, there was to be a rally taking place with thousands of people participating. So from afternoon, the police blocked almost all roads and the roads were filled with the protestors walking in lines and moving thru every single street in the city…I still remember, the line took more than 2 or 3 hours to cross our house once started…so u can imagine how big the rally was…and the mood was ANGER..ofcourse…
*******************

OK...let me come back to my story…so by afternoon, all these relatives that was left back at home naturally couldn’t go back to their respective houses due road blocks…so all the adults took seats at the balcony on the second floor of the building…and all the kids (including me) went to the terrace and continued playing…So now the scene is… “The adults in the floor below is sitting and watching the passing procession and we kids above playing…”

Now, what happened was…two of my cousins had a fight and they started up an argument…I got bored and started scribbling on the floor with a red brick in my hand…I was drawing pictures on the floor and the sides of the boundary wall of the terrace…and between was gazing out into the procession seeing the thousands of people passing by…

But, then…that happened before even I could realize…as I was standing at the edge of the terrace…one of cousin pushed the other one and she fell on me…in my panic to not to fall, the stone flew off my hand and fell down…just inches off from the passing public…[Now, remember, it was an angry mob…and if the stone had fallen into the group…it could have been mistook as some enemy group peltering them with stone and that could have resulted in a riot where these people could have just stormed into our house and thrashed all of the people in there…that day, I didn't know any of of the seriousness of the matter...Lucky for me, that the stone didn’t give me up on me that much…]

But, how lucky was I…bcoz, as soon as this stone fell on the floor…I saw my dad’s bro almost flying up to the terrace…His face was red…he was angry…and he was holding a stem of a banana tree…(actually I don’t know the exact word to be used for that DAMN thing…if u remember…u cut off the bananas from their plant as a one whole bunch…the whole set of bananas grow in a thick hard stem…usually, we pluck out bananas from this part and by the end, only the thick stem remains…Now, my uncle came up with this stem with no bananas, but with lots of protruding from where the bananas where once plucked…if you see the picture to the right...and imagine this long rough thing without the bananas on them...this remained after the traditional lunch which was always accompanied with bananas.)…Anyways, my uncle reached us and he just shouted out… "WHO THREW THAT STONE…?”…

I was really a kid…and STUPID too…not even realizing why he was so angry at such a small thing…I smiled and enthusiastically started answering… “Uncle…”

He didn’t let me complete…THUDDDDD….the rough end of the stem had already made it mark on my right thigh…Great, I was wearing a short frock, so the damn thing really could help itself on my thigh…I felt as if my vision was going off…I could feel stars flying all around me…I just couldn’t understand what happened a second back…I WAS LOST...all I could see is that my uncle dashing down the stairs the same way as he came up…

I was scared to dead…no voice came out of me even to weep..but my eyes were overflowing…my thighs were bleeding and giving a red colour to my white frock...and soon I saw the same uncle’s daughter coming running to me and pulled me to go down…she said, I was being called…I couldn’t move…I felt, that I was being called for more beatings…She dragged me down…as soon as we reached the second floor..it was my dad’s turn…not even asking me WHAT, he just dragged me all the way down the stairs to the ground floor…by holding my right hand…I literally hit each steps with the sides of my body as I was being pulled down…and shamefully let me admit…I was peeing all the way down due horror …

I was dragged into the house…and here my mom was sitting with many other ladies..none of them knew nothing of what happened outside…My mom suddenly saw my father fuming with anger dashing into the house dragging me on the floor all the way…She was terrified…her first reflex action made her carry me and push me into the bathroom and locked the door and guarded the door…I could hear her screaming and shouting… “WHAT HAPPENED…WHAT DID SHE DO…”…

I don’t remember anything after this…maybe I fell unconscious…maybe I forgot everything due fear…what ever…I remember, I hated my dad’s bro after that…and I hated his daughter more for taking me down…lol!!! Only days later, everybody knew the truth…that actually I NEVER THREW ANY STONE….IT JUST FELL OFF ACCIDENTLY… and the worst part was…when this stone fell..one of the old lady in the house lied that it fell on her head…when it really didn’t fall anywhere near her…that is what increased the intensity of the after effects…grrr..how I hated her, when I knew about this lie she said…Anyways, once my uncle knew that he mistook me…he pampered me with all sort of gifts to say SORRY…and in that age…those gifts were more than enough…I was ready for one more thrash…lol!!!

Only after years, I realized how bad that day turned out to be…Only then I could understand the real terror that might have happened if the stone had fallen into that rally…(afterall I was a kid..I knew nothing of politics or protests…uhmm…)…

And with this one thrash my uncle made on me…a big family issue broke out…my mom was absolutely not approving of my uncle thrashing me…FOR WHAT SO EVER REASON…I came to know that my mom fought every single person who supported my uncle, including my dad…saying… “I don’t like anybody hitting my daughter…I haven’t given that authority to anybody…and HOW could u thrash her so mercilessly with that stem which is usually used to thrash cattles…I can never pardon you for that…”…. This outpour made everybody angry against my mom…they raised their brows for my mom talking back to them like that… They tried KEEP QUIET and don’t talk like that…but my mom still protested…

Years later, when I knew this…I was overwhelmed…I doesn’t remember anything like that about that day…but knowing that my mom stood there protecting me did make me sooo emotional…and even today...as I type this in…my eyes r wet imagining my mom protecting me against all the relatives…

Mom, Thanks for standing up for me…thanks for supporting me…thanks for trusting and believing me...thanks for going against all your loved ones just to protect me… Mom, I love you…

I will always love you, Mom….