Farewell 2016

Last day of this year…it has been a year of learning…was a year I rested the most along with tested the most.

It may not have been the best year at my career perspective. Probably a year that ended my long career.

However the greatest rejoice this year offered was to have you back in my life…and I consider this to me as god gifted you back to me (not completely J ) he gave me the best of you.

I can only dream of someone like you in my life…yes at time I have to pinch myself to make myself believe it true. The turn of events this year brought has made me a better person…to a certain extend. I am 30% more patient. Have kept my egos aside (most times). Have started listening more (apart from few restless situations). Some of these adaptations were brought into my personality by default and ur influence on me added in more confidence and thoughtfulness.

You were there with me this year through thick and thin. Never felt alone unlike other years. U encouraged and supported me when I needed thoughtful reconciliations the most. I cannot thank you enough. Thank you for being there for me. Hugs and kisses my luv...luv u till end of times.

Happy New Year…

Smiles….Tears…

The little chick was just out of the egg. Oh, so cute it was looking. Myself, was actually wondering, how I ended up in that alley… Very familiar, but not the place I would want to visit now…but somehow I was there and this beauty was what I saw running around…Smiles…

Poof! Before I could understand what happened. I saw the yellow ball of joy in the clutches of a black bird, maybe a crow…I could clearly see that it was in great pain and trying to get off. The villain was flying off. All I could was to scream and run behind its trail. Crazy me, how can I catch hold of a flying villain with my walking legs… Still I ran, screaming and cursing and think, I even hurled some stones at it. For sure, none reached even close to them. And soon, it was no more in sight… Tears…

Hey, but what is that…its coming running…I could hear the peck peck sound well when it ran towards me with its tiny legs…Oh, my, the little chick…how did it manage to come off from the plate of a hungry villain. It was not time to think of it. As I knew, there was more danger in this world around, and I had to save this poor soul. Like a baby in his mother’s chest, I swooped down and picked him and held him close to my heart…The li’l one was warm and chirpy and was already doing a conversation with me…Silly, doesn’t he know, I don’t understand bird’s language…Smiles…

Within the walls of home, I was already being the big mamma to him…I didn’t wanted to put him down at all. I feared there were dangers that could pounce on this fellow and eat him any time. For that matter, I didn’t know how I can fight back such dangers, but I wasn’t ready to let him off my hand… But I had to set the cradle for the beauty to have a good rest after the adventurous morning. Doing that with one hand was not working much…But hey, where is he. As he lie down there, all lifeless, white in colour; he looked like a Cockroach now more than little chick. Oh god, what did I do… Did I drop him down…Tears…

I had to do something…Cupped inside my palm; so small was he and I let him die…How could I be so careless. I wanted to revive him. All the movies had only taught me how to save a human being. But this little bird, what will I do. I tried pressing his chest. Slowly, blew into his face...With tears, I was yearningly praying to see hope…to see his heart beat again…Wait a minute, is he moving…Oh yes, he is…his wings are slowly moving…He is waking up…from the sleep…Get up, birdie, Get up…Smiles…

Trrrrrrinnnnnggggg...Time 4.30am....With eyes open…I lay there, on my bed...The alarm was still ringing and I kept wondering what was it…Am I going crazy or just that I was born Crazy…Why do I see such dreams…People say, dreams are always related to your thoughts or experiences or past or at times even future…. My dreams tends to be long and even silly. Now, what is this silly dream trying to show me…No idea…I didn’t now know what to do…

Smiles….Tears…

I am not OK...

Since the last 'gone-wrong conversation'; mind has been restless. I knew, it was already late…too late to have that open talk with mom. Knowing clearly, how she would react, always kept me from making her a confidante in my life. Her views were always based on “TRADITION, CULTURE, SOCIETY” and it never matched my outlook on life. She would go hysteric on hearing anything that was against what the usual “EXPECTED” society made norms. This made me apprehensive to be open to her on my most personal feelings – be it joy or sorrow.

Today, I purposefully, took one day annual leave; to talk to her. Rather, open up to her and try to make her realise what was I going through and why this idea of “Lone Trip” was in my agenda. The past nights were restless as I was repeatedly, planning, scripting, rehearsing the moment when I would TRY opening up to her.

As luck could have it, brother too was at home. Completely wrong day… I was so hoping to be alone when I start this conversation. Thus I waited until afternoon, to finally find my mom alone in her room. I went inside, “Amma, I need to talk to you…”. As expected, her face changed to one with ‘worry’. She was already getting into a hyper mode, I knew it.

As I continued, “Amma, please don’t take this conversation on a Society perspective and try to see it as your daughter’s feelings. I really want to talk to you. I AM NOT HAPPY.

SILENCE… as stupid can I be, tears started overflowing my eyes and I was choking with pressure within…

"Amma, all that discussion on the trip. You should try to understand, why am I being so….”

Stopped short, not due tears, but mom had already started off. She was outpouring all her anger on the last conversation and HOW SHE CANT LET A GIRL GO ALONE ON A TRIP and HOW IT IS NOT ACCEPTED IN SOCIETY etc etc etc…She was so outrageous as she was shouting on my audacity to expect to do such a trip and I could clearly see that she saw nothing else over that conversation…She didn’t see my tears, she didn’t see that I was trying to break open a barrier that was always between us… She saw nothing…

Her loud voice had invited brother’s attention and he too entered the scene. Now, this was something I never wanted as he started asking worriedly on what was happening. I rose from my seat and as I dashed out, “Amma, THIS IS WHY… I could never be open to you. You always complained that I wasn’t being open to you. Now, you saw? You want a daughter who always smiles and be happy in front of u. All my life, I had done that. I have accepted everything for the sake of you and dad, be it was against my own happiness or wishes. You are fine, as you feel that wud keep me happy. But NO. For once, today, I tried to finally tell you, how unhappy I am in my life and how serious is my personal life… I begged to u to look at it as a mother to a daughter and not thru the society’s eyes. BUT… Sorry, I made this mistake of trying to talk to you. U will be happy with the charade I have been putting on all these years. I will…hence forth too. As long as I can, I will. But remember, ONE DAY, I will reach my limits and, that day, don’t be sad or blame me for what happens…”

For me, it was as if WHERE DID I GO WRONG…Through my room’s closed door, I could hear, brother talking to mom on why she reacted so when I had to share something…etc etc. Maybe he felt, I was serious. I didn’t wanted to hear anything. But… soon I found amma sitting by my side with her head bowed down… I could see that she was hurt and feeling sorry...She wanted to know what was the issue and am I ok...

I had nothing to say…Afterall, what could I say…how could I explain…All the courage, the rehearsals and days long planning was not helping me anymore. I was blank… With tears, I could just say…

I am not OK…

I need to talk...

I was good at smiling even when I was burnt down by the harsh realities of life… my smile always helped me to camouflage the real me. For I felt, the real me would be a pain to my loved ones. I was immature, that I grew up in that way. Hiding my true feelings and trying to keep everybody happy. Time taught me that was wrong, but did that bring any change in me? No…Unfortunately No. I still continue to do the same mistake…

In the quest for giving happiness to everybody, what did I attain… Frustration, just sheer frustration… to oneself and to others. But when, I didn’t take care of my own happiness, why expect it from others. Not everybody would be fools to live taking care of the other’s happiness. Atleast, I know not many who would do that…

That’s how, I ended up hurting myself…. hurting my love…hurting my self-esteem… For the past one year, I have been thinking of doing this solitary travel to the mountains and undergo a detox program. I wanted to be alone and face the challenge of that adventure of being alone. It excited me. But, to do that, I would need to hurt some loved ones…or rather One…

My mom… being the orthodox woman, she can never accept any female travelling alone in this cruel world… And when it is her own daughter, she is scared that all the disasters of the world is all set to fall over her child…All mothers think so…I agree… But where I disagreed was the reasons she pointed out…What the society will say…and I hated it… By now, I realise that if there was anything that had hindered my happiness; it always had an indirect connection to “WHAT SOCIETY WOULD THINK”…

Decisions I made was always for my happiness… and their decisions were based on the so called “SOCIETY”… but now what… So for past one year, I was indirectly brining this topic of my travelling, every now and then, into any general talks at home. I was trying to prepare my mom for the shock and expected she wouldn’t be as surprised as she could be otherwise…Though, every time I mentioned about it, she kept repeating…”Go wherever u want, but take your son with you.” It was her displeasure that resonated in those words.

But today…Today, my cousin had visited us. She is very close to mom than us, talking regularly on phone and keeping in touch etc etc (I should confess, I am bad at keeping in touch with relatives.) So in between the talks, this talk about travelling came up. A very general talk…

Me: Oh Didi, I am going in January to XXXX... (Awaiting for a reaction...) 

Mom: With WHOM? (Brows up)

Me: Alone… (Ofcourse…)

Mom: You will NOT… (Irritated…)

Me: I will. I have been telling this for long. (Stern...I am not moving...)

Mom: You WILL, after I die… (Angry…)

Me: Amma, LETS NOT ARGUE ON THIS. IF I AM DECIDING TO GO, I WILL. PLEASE DON’T MAKE AN ISSUE OUT OF THIS. (PERIOD, fed up)

Mom: ……… (SILENCE which is dangerous than any other statement….)

The conversation continued with a lecture by my cousin on WHY SHOULD I GO ALONE and WHY DON’T I GO WITH HUSBAND…etc etc etc… But nothing was getting through my senses… I knew for sure, that both me and mom is now going through the same emotions…

Frustration…and Silence….and I knew it…

I need to talk…

Little did I...

Left you hurt all alone that one day…

With tears that bled our heart with pain…

For what but to keep alive someone’s smile…

Little could I see the pages followed next…

What did I loss and what did I gain…

In the journey to bring some smiles…

All that I needed came with a price tag…

Little did I know that tears had a zero tag…

Days and months paved ways to years…

Things changed, people changed…but…

What is that never changed; but our love…

Little did I feel that I had once lost it all…

Keen are my ears against your heart…

As you held me close to feel the world…

There I heard the silent journey of our love…

Little did I care to move from that divinity…

All that love and care was all that I yearned…

To colour my life with a thousand dreams…

Holding thy hand that assured eternity…

Little did I wish to see the world any more…

Indebted in love…

At the hospital, I was welcomed in by my aunt, my dad’s brother and a cousin… Aunt, who was my dad’s sister who was more than his own mother for him…Her house was my paternal home. So, my attachment to her was most and she too had so much say in everything concerning me, including what I should study or what I should do next in my life…. Aunt explained the absence of uncle and it seems, he has been taken in for some tests and will take an hour atleast to be back.

It was a very jovial mood in the hospital room as aunt’s husband was much better now and would be discharged soon. With my entry, the topic shifted to ‘my dad’. ‘Did my father call’, ‘Any luck on job front’, ‘How is he doing’…etc etc. I answered with “hmm”, “yes”, “no”, “don’t know”… As it went on, the tone changed to sympathy… to my mom and me & brother… How we had to go through all this due dad’s carelessness in managing his business… I knew, the conversation was not taking a good turn… I wanted to leave…

Shockingly, my cousin took over the conversation…Like the Head of our family, he started giving me instructions… “Tell your father to NEVER EVER come back here. Tell him to be there only and work in as a street vendor or anything of that sort. Don’t dream about big Managerial jobs. Just find something and stick On… After all these problems, still he cant put down his pride… What we should be doing is ‘give him a smack’ and put him straight….”

I didn’t know what was happening. My father had been always selfless and I have seen him limitlessly helping every single person who had ever asked for his help – be it emotional or financial. When this man was going through hell in his life, I have seen him at my home and my parents supporting him with all heart like they would do to own son. And today, he was spitting venom about his own uncle, who was equivalent to his father… and that too in the presence of elders who atleast had an authority to say anything about my father…

I heard my uncle stopping him from talking further. I was weak and could say nothing. What can I say afterall. I wished to shout back at him for all that he said about my dad. Whatever be it, he was my dad and HE HAD NO AUTHORITY TO TALK LIKE THAT… I was angry at my aunt too on why she let this man talk ill about my father. I wanted to scream, shout, cry… I did nothing, just got up and said, “I am leaving”… For then, my fear was what if my mother come in then and had to listen to this @#$&*… She was expected to reach anytime. I had to rush out…

As I walked out, my uncle came behind me. For the first time in my life, he hugged me…tight…holding my head close to his chest…he gently spoke as if to console me… “Its ok mole, everything will be alright. You don’t feel sad. He is an idiot and just talks out silly. Don’t put it into your heart. Forget it. Brother is going to be fine and you all will happy soon.” It was something that I have never expected. This man who was just my father’s brother till that day, suddenly became so close to my heart…

We looked at each other’s eyes filled with tears and I walked out of that room…I had added one more person into my list of people I would be indebted to. I started loving him as my own. He was not just a relative anymore and was someone who would be in my prayers…It was a beginning…of a new relation…a new bond…There on, he was there for us, with us, during all the hard times and good times. Atleast, that was when I was realising that he has been always there…

Its been more than 15 years since that evening… Me, my family fought a very tough battle and today, we have regained our strength and started living with our heads up… I and my uncle share a very close bond… I made sure that I was always there for him during his tough days too... Today, he is with me for a 30days vacation. It was more of a Thank you from me and my brother to him and his silent love and care for us…For that hug and tears he shared with me on that evening…We are trying our best to give him all the happiness during this holidays…taking him all around the country….After all, can we ever pay back what we gain in love…we cant…we will always be…

Indebted in love…

To give up…

As a wife, my mother never knew anything. Dad never liked his family getting involved into official matters. He was born in the old generation and followed the traditional orthodox mentality where wife live with what husband provided; be it was the most meagre things. My mother never had to complain as dad provided her with all luxury; something that she had never seen until her wedding. So, neither was she matured enough to see the downfall of my father’s business empire. Even during the toughest days, he made sure that his wife and kids had the best.

Today, we realise, and regret…if only we had our eyes open to see things as it was happening. Maybe, many things that happened in our life wouldn’t have happened the way it did. Past is past…

Finally, my dad decided to step out; in search of that one saving stone. For all the love he had for his mother land and all the enthusiasm he had about living in ones own ground…Exhausted and disappointed that he couldn’t live up to his own dreams…He had stepped out of his home, his country… For a miracle…to save him, his family and above all, his lost pride…

The days just dragged on. None of us ever spoke to each other about how we are. Maybe, the silence between us was the answer to that. Its been months dad has flown out… No positive news from dad. Every phone call was answered with hope and ended with disappointment. We were three souls in a two storeyed house; all in their own rooms mostly. We all tried acting all is well, but… the truth prevailed. We were not OK. 

Though, I was a teenager, I still knew nothing about the intensity of the issues our family was facing. But, I knew, if mom had to say that… it was not ok… By then, I was getting used to telephone calls in search of dad, complaints about his delay in paying back debts and so on. Most visitors at home were those who dad owed money. With awe, I realised, many regular people who used to be in and out of our home like my dad’s shadow were nowhere in sight. I was growing up from a silly girl to a matured lady. 

That day, I was on my way to the hospital to pay my uncle a visit...He has been sick for few days now. Though he was my paternal aunt's husband, he was like a father to me. So I used to visit him every day... The phone rang and I waited with eager ears for any signs of happiness. Few minutes thru and I walked to my mom's half closed door just to stop short to my mom's whimper. All I heard was, “Can't we all just die together?”…

Tears trickling down, I stepped out of the house. If there was anything that I did not want that moment… was not to let my mom see me so… Were things that bad? Was it that late that we cant revive all that was lost? Has dad given up on his courage? Not knowing anything was better than knowing something…and here I was, knowing little and not knowing a lot…Was it already time…

To give up...

Where are you...

There is this star that I gaze up at almost every day… I know, I am an idiot to think that it is the same star that I am seeing every night. But I started even going out late in the night in the pretext of ‘evening walk’ and then look up for the little star shining up there… It was positioned up in the sky to my right on a 45 degree slant.

It has been a routine now for some time. Strangely, every time I look up, I would see him there. I would say Hello and imagine his return response and then I would go on to talk about how he is doing and so on… Tears would trickle thru my cheek every time I did this. As I knew, I was just trying to fool myself on an existence of something that was not real. I knew, I was not being realistic.

For, in that star, I was trying to see my grandpa, My appups… Not a day has passed where I have not wished I could hear his voice once again. I wished he would tease me “Mole…you are an idiot”… I have been feeling so down that, why didn’t I record his talks to me to listen to it when I yearn to hear him. In my phone, I have his voice messages for my son and even my ex-boss; but not for me.

He never sent voice messages for me. Instead, he would give a ring and talk to me every time he wanted to say something. Everytime he missed me, he would call me and say, “Mole, I called because I didn’t hear your voice for long time…” Is he not missing me now? Is he not feeling to talk to me? Or is he happy by just listening to my voice and doesn’t deem necessary to let me hear his. I am tired of just talking to him…

He had this naughty look on him whenever he gossiped or said something cheeky… At times, I wouldn’t even understand that he was making fun of me and like a fool I would listen to it…Then he would burst out into his naughty laughter. When we play games; be it snakes and ladder or cards…he would do all sort of dramas to act as if hes showing magic and then try to cheat… When he was caught red-handed, he would sheepishly smile as if he knew nothing about it.

Walking was never my forte. I would always avoid walking even the least distance as I felt it was strenuous. In short, Exercising was not my baby. But he was not so. Walking was always in his daily routine and the distance that he would walk with the energy from start to end, I never could cope with it. I used to hate it, when he suggest, lets walk…I wish I could walk with him in real. Just go on talking and gossiping. To play another round of Snake and ladder or cards. To see him cheating and tease him for that. “Appuppa, why did you leave me so early. There were lots to be taken care of. Lot of things to be sorted out. Lots to be gossiped. Why did you go…”…

When I see this star and imagine it is him up there… I talk loudly…”Appuppaaa…how r u…r u ok…I am fine…”… Both of us know what I said last was a lie. I would try to imagine that he is walking beside me… Then I would purposefully try to come out of this imagination and acting to be not real. I would just blank my mind out and walk the remaining distance. All those distance that I have never walked with him, I am walking these days…

But today…today was not a great day. I didn’t see him up there. He was hiding. Or did he go somewhere, I don’t know. I yearningly searched him all over the sky. I called out to him, pleaded for him to just come out atleast once. He wouldn’t, I don’t know why. I would suddenly feel happy when I see a small flickering light and would feel helpless when I realise it was just a passing aeroplane. Today’s dust storm has hidden him somewhere up there.

Or is he purposefully doing this to me. Does he feel that I am stupid to believe that he is the one who I am talking to… Is he trying to tell me that I am an idiot to look for him up there. Somebody recently said, “You are looking for him up there because you doesn’t believe that he is right beside you.” Is it so, Appuppa. I don’t know…I know nothing. All I know is that today, I am terribly upset as I couldn’t see him. It is as if I am forced to break a routine…

Where are you…

NB: Its been two months, since you left me; for ever. But it seems like more than 20 years that I haven't seen you and it hurts, terribly...Will I ever grow out of this pain, I don't know and I know nothing...

The Enigma...

Moving through the pages of this life that I breathe…
Yearning was my mind for something I know not.

Leaving behind the world of uncertainty and reality…
Over the clouds and skies, wandered my mind...
Voices seemed too far as vision grew blurred…
Enigmatic in each and every single step ahead.

In the hope to find my mind’s long-lost wish…
Set out was my mind for my life to hold my hand.

Magic was all around, but nothing much big...
Yards and miles was what I had left behind.

Longing for the unknown, I walked forward…
Insignificant was everything that passed by…
For all I need was my life… the joy of live and let live…
Enchanted would I be, with my life, to love and be loved…

Marathon or No Marathon…

Every now and then, I get into this –SOUP– situation with my boss. He would put me in a position where I would wonder ‘now what’. He is not a bad boss; infact he has been very supportive and understanding when I really needed both… He would calmly listen to me and my woes and give advices like a big brother. At times, push me to do the extremes to get over some hard realities.

 

But then, if all was perfect, then wouldn’t it have been against nature’s law. Especially in my case, how can it be all good. So is my boss for me too... As you read below, you might feel that I have been dumb to give it back to him on his same style… Statutory warning: I KNOW IT, BUT WHAT TO DO…

 

Story 1 - Past Tense:

During the interview process; he had mentioned vaguely how he does not like people running out of office just bcoz it was past working hours. Me being the workaholic, never had done that and had always left work only after I had finished all my work. I hated keeping work pending or for the next day. So when he asked, “Are you one of them? You might have to stay late.”, I confidently replied, “No, I too wouldn’t like leaving work pending. Even if some days late, atleast I can leave the other days on time…”

 

Present Tense:

Every single day I stay back at work for atleast 1-2 hours more than the stipulated working hours. Not always because, I have pending work to be finished. But just because, he doesnot appreciate leaving on time and gives me a feeling that I am leaving early even if I leave on time or 30 minutes past working hours… “Boss, Can I leave?”, He would look into the clock or watch and comment, “EARLY?”… “No Boss, not early, its already almost one hour past the check out time”… “Yeah Yeah Yeah…!!!”… That would be a ridicule… I leave the work with a ‘grrrr’…

 

Extreme Tense:

One jovial discussion on ‘staying late’ turned ugly when he “Jokingly” passed a comment on people throwing tantrums at work… Unfortunately, it ticked me off. He had to pay for his joke with me openly proposing to “keep an attendance time sheet for myself” to show the hours I put in at work without any sort of breaks… He knows well that I am “RIGHT” and he consoled me saying that his comment was only a JOKE. “Dear Boss, jokes are fine, but until it doesn’t hurt the other’s feelings. In your case, I myself wonder, what is joke and what is not.”

 

Story 2 - Past Tense:

He doesn’t appreciate asking him any questions which concerns a problem. He would say, “Don’t come to me with a problem. I need a solution.” Grrr, when the solution is him, how can I solve it… But bosses are boss.

 

Present Tense:

Every now and then, I will enter his room. Knowing for sure that he is going to blast my ears off with his usual dialogue. Still, I try my luck every time. What if, today, he is in a different mood and agree to give a solution.

 

Extreme Tense:

Getting into sandwich situations from either side, I finally erupted… “Boss, you ask me for solution. But when I find a solution you say, why didn’t I ask you. You need a Yes or No answer, but you forget that within my limitations; I might have a ‘Yes, but only if…’ answers too…” He got my point. Things have changed a bit, but still I need to be careful for those ‘wrong days’ before approaching him with a “SOLUTION”. ;)

 

Story 3 - Past Tense:

I was constantly teased for not participating in one of the company sponsored marathon last year where he was an active participant. He kept making fun of me and pulling my leg every now and then saying, “Is this how you show your integrity to the company.” Etc etc etc…

 

Present Tense:

I decided to participate in this year’s marathon and the registration form is all set to go out. Meanwhile, I volunteered to be part of the company team for a sport related race and we won a prize too. The team members are expected to get a Certificate of Appreciation for the effort and success. Happy days…

 

Extreme Tense:

His usual joke, “You did not do it for company. You volunteered for it.”. “But boss, we were representing the company and company sponsored for us. So we did it for company”. “Nooo, Company did not ask you to go. Yes or No. It was your personal wish to go for it. So it is not for company.”…

 

I lost it… but not too fast… “How can it be so, Boss. Last year, you literally tortured me for not participating in the marathon because company was sponsoring; pulling my leg that I did not give back to the company for its efforts. When that was an individual event and choice and now, when I represented the company for a Team event…You are saying the other way round. How can it be two different morals for the same story.”

 

BINGO!!! I won, Score 1-0…I knew, I had struck the chord right on spot. He was dumbstruck. But above that I knew, it was no longer safe for me to stand in front of him…So I continued…

 

“OKKKK, now I know, it is not safe for me here, so I am running away…hehe!!” He smiled and replied, “Better for you…”

 

Immediate tense:

I deleted the registration form for the marathon.

 

Current Tense:

Ok, Ok, Ok…I know, I know… I am keeping my guards up, until he forget this score… hehe!!! I now wonder, should I register for the marathon or not!!! The big question...

 

Marathon or No Marathon…

Blessed am I...

I hated studying…rather going to school…waking up early, getting ready etc…It was torture… Forget the torture at school; even at home studying never left me at peace…The regular RingTone I heard home was… “SIT AND STUDY…SIT AND STUDY”... Felt mom had nothing else to say other than repeating this one phrase… “SIT AND STUDY”…

Inspite of hatred for studies, I somehow could be among the “good” student list. Though, my parents had loads of plans on my future, fate didn’t support them. It had other plans and destiny took me off their wishes… Was it for good or bad. I don’t know. Maybe I would never have been a good doctor (as they wished) or a good pilot (as I wished). That’s the best way to not regret on what didn’t happen. 

With years, I started feeling the excitement of studying and getting good marks and a bit proud on the “awe” it created in others around me when they see my exam results. Anyways, by then, life had taken unfavourable turn and I had to take a stand on whether to go ahead studying or not… I still remember that evening… in the hall room of my home, sitting on the floor with some very close family members… The BIG question on what next. A gold medal in graduation was a great achievement, hence expectations were high for people around me… On what I WOULD or rather I SHOULD do next… Suggestions kept pouring…But, I took a call…

“NO, I am not going for higher studies. I am going to find a job and that is what is most appropriate at this point for everybody’s good.”

It was not a sacrificial thought, but a heartfelt wish to support my dad during his tough days. My aunt who always understood why and how I behave, got the meaning. She announced, the discussion to be put to an end. And it did…for ever…Life showed still more faces and phases. Challenges and hardships kept crossing paths as I struggled from one career to another. But then, as maturity started growing in, the disappointment of not studying further too grew in. I don’t regret my decision, but yes, I earnestly wish quite often, if I could or could have studied further…Today, even after years of leaving my college, I still keep wishing if I could get on with my higher studies.

Recently, someone asked me. “Why don’t I go for further studies”. He perfectly knew, why didn’t I. But, the problem was that he was not ready to accept my reason. From the very next day, he started torturing me on this subject…He’s getting smarter by the day in torturing me to re-start my studies and me the smartest in finding excuses to not do it… (OK, my excuses are genuine…but…) ...Lol, I feel like a child again with my mom on my head screaming, "STUDY, STUDY, STUDY...."

So… My Dear Friend, I know, you care for me and my future. You would really like to see me stepping high ladders in my career. I do appreciate your efforts and offers to just put me into a regime…But… what to do…I feel that this is not the right time, for me to take up a new responsibility. I agree that you are right when you say ‘Everything will work out if I start…’ But, firstly…

Let me sit…to watch the sun set glow…

Let me rest…to breath some calm air flow…

Let me walk…to feel the world behind me…

Let me find some ME time just to be me…

Then, dear friend, can I get myself set…

For new and fresh heights to climb…

To conquer challenges that come past me…

To cherish and grow up to the dreams I wish…

Then, dear friend, I will come to you…

To heed an ear to your big big plans…

To respect your spirit to see me grow…

Blessed am I, for the path you show...

The Beautiful Flight…

Thud!!! The world that was pacing for their life had hit her from behind... And Whooosh! She was swept off her feet...to the space above…the view that crossed past her eyes were vivid…she could feel she was in air…but rolling over all along…Soft and smooth like a creamy cloud in a light breeze…She could feel the thrust on her as she moved to higher altitudes…

Her legs up in the air and hands to the side…she was a bird who had lost control of its flight…and she had no rush to get back in control…as for now, she wanted her fate to drive her through…whatever the path be, whatever the future be, All she wished was to just stay still, till the opposite actions stopped pushing forward…

One second, she could see the sandy beach and the next second the black glittering sky…and another second the fast moving vehicles on the road beside…The view kept flickering…Voices were going dull in her ears and all she heard now was the soothing sound of soft wind…She knew, she has not stopped since the thud…and she wasn’t worried either…All she wanted was to move on…where to, to the eternity…

 

Ok, now… visions are still…horizontally above the ground…so much high above… As she blinked her eyes, she saw she was facing the stars … They seemed to wink at her and she winked back…Is this eternity? She thought, as her eyes were devouring the beauty above…She liked it this way, with no chains of gravity, she was just floating above the ground in that dark night with just stars to witness her flight…She didn’t wanted to blink anymore, for fear of losing this moment, bcoz the moment was worth any pain in the world…

Her hands were spread away from her body and her legs lying weightless in the air…She was slowly making her descent…She could now feel the pull from low behold …but what she enjoyed more was the push of the hands of the wind… The flight down was not so soft as she went up, but she was trying to adjust herself to make it seamless. Slow and soft…smooth and cool…she was moving down…She had no idea what was below her. All she knew was that she was going down and her flight is almost at the last phase…

Suddenly, she felt a cold splash touching the back of her body. It was sweeping her through ice cold feel and she could feel the wetness of water getting into her body…Aaha, that was the sea…she has just now touched the water, the cold surface of water… She didn’t wanted to move…nor did she want to miss these moments… With a small gulp, the coldness swallowed her. The view above was getting dizzy and clumsy… Now it was just a dark sky, with water all around.

She was not ready to budge. She wanted to scream out, “Awesomeeee!!!”… She was all set now…Her journey is over. She was finally elated with excitement. She is almost there, at the bottom of the unknown eternity. Neither pain nor sorrows, Neither thoughts to disturb nor memories to get nostalgic, Neither friends to pull u off nor enemies to push you down…It was just her now. This was the destiny that she was searching all the while and finally she has discovered it. Or was it the other way round. Did she find it or they found her? Who cares? As long as her flight had taken her to this eternal moment, she was fine…

This was it. This was what she was waiting for. A long difficult journey has now reached its destination and this flight was the best she ever had…the best she cud have ever asked for…She thanked the almighty…for this flight…

The Beautiful Flight…

I love you...a lot...

16 days… how time flies… life has moved on for all around me… My effort too is to move on…Physically, yes… I am busy with work, home etc. Hugs with love do console me, but… Words with sympathy do pacify me, but… Time with empathy do control me, but… At the end, the reality just pierce through… Never can I see him, never can I touch him, never can I hug him… He has gone, forever… and I would never be able to see his number on my incoming call list…

How I long to sleep on his lap once again…
How I long to have his hand on my hair…
How I long to be pampered by his hug…
How I long my incoming call had his name…
I know, you are with your loved ones who you were missing…Leaving all of us to miss you till we meet again…

Today my family has started their journey with his ashes, to bid him a final adieu… The last remains of his physical body… Everybody said, “Don’t come, as tears will only hurt his soul.” How can I control my tears. I was trying, but not able to. I wonder, how easy it was always for me to advice others. When they lose their loved ones, I used to preach, “They are in a better place. Be happy for the same.” This time, I had to listen to the same advices and realised they did nothing much to console the real pain.

“Your crying would hurt his soul. He will not be able to leave peacefully. Imagine, if he had to live in pain due the disease that was already in final stage. Imagine, the man who was always independent, had to depend on someone for even having a morsel of food. Imagine this, Imagine that….” I didn’t wanted to imagine anything; bcoz at the end, he left me. That was the ultimate truth. The reason for me to look forward to go back to my native place was no longer there. There was no one who was waiting to see me there. Why would I want to go there any more…

 “Dear Appuppa, Wherever you are, I know, you are in a happy place with your parents and wife...Please remember, I am missing you terribly and wants to believe that your hand will always be on my head… showering me with all that love, care and support. Nothing can replace you in my life and your memories would be my strength…I love you and will always love you…Thank you for blessing me with your existence in my life…And I know for sure, you loved me the most…and will miss our crazy selfies :) ;) ”

A great lesson I learnt during this course… We feel, loving one another is enough as long as we are around to meet, talk, laugh and share… But NO, it is not enough…Ofcourse , it does makes a great difference to yourself more than the other when you openly accept and say aloud those gold words of Thank you and Love you. I can’t recall if I have ever told my dad or mom that I love them…I loved them and it was to be understood…. Now when my appups is gone, I am yearning to meet him just once and tell him… I started even wondering if I have ever thanked him or said openly that I loved him so much…

So, today, to all my loved ones…who I love so deeply and share a very special place in my heart…I want to say this with a tight hug…

“Thank you so much for being part of my life… I love you... a lot….”

It is OK!!!

Dear All,

Thanks for all your prayers and good wishes. But… maybe, god felt it was not enough. Or maybe god felt he wanted my appups more than me. Afterall, he was such a great company to be with… He is gone. Gone to the world of unknown mysteries. He has left me and his whole family an hour back. I didn’t know, what I should be doing. Then thought should thank all for your prayers and wishes. Hence, here I am, sitting in front of this computer. I am not even sure, if I would be strong enough to publish this.  

But for the moment, this is the note to myself to make me believe that somewhere far away…In a hospital bed, this moment, my appups is lying still. Sleeping peacefully knowing no pain…And not knowing the pain he has left behind…

I request all of you to now pray for me to give me the strength to bid him farewell. As I know, my tears wouldn’t be something that he would like to see as he leave…Wherever he is, I want him to be happy and smiling and close to me…I am so much hoping that what he said last be always true...

"Everything will be alright, even if it is not, it is OK!!!"