Where are you...

There is this star that I gaze up at almost every day… I know, I am an idiot to think that it is the same star that I am seeing every night. But I started even going out late in the night in the pretext of ‘evening walk’ and then look up for the little star shining up there… It was positioned up in the sky to my right on a 45 degree slant.

It has been a routine now for some time. Strangely, every time I look up, I would see him there. I would say Hello and imagine his return response and then I would go on to talk about how he is doing and so on… Tears would trickle thru my cheek every time I did this. As I knew, I was just trying to fool myself on an existence of something that was not real. I knew, I was not being realistic.

For, in that star, I was trying to see my grandpa, My appups… Not a day has passed where I have not wished I could hear his voice once again. I wished he would tease me “Mole…you are an idiot”… I have been feeling so down that, why didn’t I record his talks to me to listen to it when I yearn to hear him. In my phone, I have his voice messages for my son and even my ex-boss; but not for me.

He never sent voice messages for me. Instead, he would give a ring and talk to me every time he wanted to say something. Everytime he missed me, he would call me and say, “Mole, I called because I didn’t hear your voice for long time…” Is he not missing me now? Is he not feeling to talk to me? Or is he happy by just listening to my voice and doesn’t deem necessary to let me hear his. I am tired of just talking to him…

He had this naughty look on him whenever he gossiped or said something cheeky… At times, I wouldn’t even understand that he was making fun of me and like a fool I would listen to it…Then he would burst out into his naughty laughter. When we play games; be it snakes and ladder or cards…he would do all sort of dramas to act as if hes showing magic and then try to cheat… When he was caught red-handed, he would sheepishly smile as if he knew nothing about it.

Walking was never my forte. I would always avoid walking even the least distance as I felt it was strenuous. In short, Exercising was not my baby. But he was not so. Walking was always in his daily routine and the distance that he would walk with the energy from start to end, I never could cope with it. I used to hate it, when he suggest, lets walk…I wish I could walk with him in real. Just go on talking and gossiping. To play another round of Snake and ladder or cards. To see him cheating and tease him for that. “Appuppa, why did you leave me so early. There were lots to be taken care of. Lot of things to be sorted out. Lots to be gossiped. Why did you go…”…

When I see this star and imagine it is him up there… I talk loudly…”Appuppaaa…how r u…r u ok…I am fine…”… Both of us know what I said last was a lie. I would try to imagine that he is walking beside me… Then I would purposefully try to come out of this imagination and acting to be not real. I would just blank my mind out and walk the remaining distance. All those distance that I have never walked with him, I am walking these days…

But today…today was not a great day. I didn’t see him up there. He was hiding. Or did he go somewhere, I don’t know. I yearningly searched him all over the sky. I called out to him, pleaded for him to just come out atleast once. He wouldn’t, I don’t know why. I would suddenly feel happy when I see a small flickering light and would feel helpless when I realise it was just a passing aeroplane. Today’s dust storm has hidden him somewhere up there.

Or is he purposefully doing this to me. Does he feel that I am stupid to believe that he is the one who I am talking to… Is he trying to tell me that I am an idiot to look for him up there. Somebody recently said, “You are looking for him up there because you doesn’t believe that he is right beside you.” Is it so, Appuppa. I don’t know…I know nothing. All I know is that today, I am terribly upset as I couldn’t see him. It is as if I am forced to break a routine…

Where are you…

NB: Its been two months, since you left me; for ever. But it seems like more than 20 years that I haven't seen you and it hurts, terribly...Will I ever grow out of this pain, I don't know and I know nothing...