To give up…

As a wife, my mother never knew anything. Dad never liked his family getting involved into official matters. He was born in the old generation and followed the traditional orthodox mentality where wife live with what husband provided; be it was the most meagre things. My mother never had to complain as dad provided her with all luxury; something that she had never seen until her wedding. So, neither was she matured enough to see the downfall of my father’s business empire. Even during the toughest days, he made sure that his wife and kids had the best.

Today, we realise, and regret…if only we had our eyes open to see things as it was happening. Maybe, many things that happened in our life wouldn’t have happened the way it did. Past is past…

Finally, my dad decided to step out; in search of that one saving stone. For all the love he had for his mother land and all the enthusiasm he had about living in ones own ground…Exhausted and disappointed that he couldn’t live up to his own dreams…He had stepped out of his home, his country… For a miracle…to save him, his family and above all, his lost pride…

The days just dragged on. None of us ever spoke to each other about how we are. Maybe, the silence between us was the answer to that. Its been months dad has flown out… No positive news from dad. Every phone call was answered with hope and ended with disappointment. We were three souls in a two storeyed house; all in their own rooms mostly. We all tried acting all is well, but… the truth prevailed. We were not OK. 

Though, I was a teenager, I still knew nothing about the intensity of the issues our family was facing. But, I knew, if mom had to say that… it was not ok… By then, I was getting used to telephone calls in search of dad, complaints about his delay in paying back debts and so on. Most visitors at home were those who dad owed money. With awe, I realised, many regular people who used to be in and out of our home like my dad’s shadow were nowhere in sight. I was growing up from a silly girl to a matured lady. 

That day, I was on my way to the hospital to pay my uncle a visit...He has been sick for few days now. Though he was my paternal aunt's husband, he was like a father to me. So I used to visit him every day... The phone rang and I waited with eager ears for any signs of happiness. Few minutes thru and I walked to my mom's half closed door just to stop short to my mom's whimper. All I heard was, “Can't we all just die together?”…

Tears trickling down, I stepped out of the house. If there was anything that I did not want that moment… was not to let my mom see me so… Were things that bad? Was it that late that we cant revive all that was lost? Has dad given up on his courage? Not knowing anything was better than knowing something…and here I was, knowing little and not knowing a lot…Was it already time…

To give up...