I need to talk...

I was good at smiling even when I was burnt down by the harsh realities of life… my smile always helped me to camouflage the real me. For I felt, the real me would be a pain to my loved ones. I was immature, that I grew up in that way. Hiding my true feelings and trying to keep everybody happy. Time taught me that was wrong, but did that bring any change in me? No…Unfortunately No. I still continue to do the same mistake…

In the quest for giving happiness to everybody, what did I attain… Frustration, just sheer frustration… to oneself and to others. But when, I didn’t take care of my own happiness, why expect it from others. Not everybody would be fools to live taking care of the other’s happiness. Atleast, I know not many who would do that…

That’s how, I ended up hurting myself…. hurting my love…hurting my self-esteem… For the past one year, I have been thinking of doing this solitary travel to the mountains and undergo a detox program. I wanted to be alone and face the challenge of that adventure of being alone. It excited me. But, to do that, I would need to hurt some loved ones…or rather One…

My mom… being the orthodox woman, she can never accept any female travelling alone in this cruel world… And when it is her own daughter, she is scared that all the disasters of the world is all set to fall over her child…All mothers think so…I agree… But where I disagreed was the reasons she pointed out…What the society will say…and I hated it… By now, I realise that if there was anything that had hindered my happiness; it always had an indirect connection to “WHAT SOCIETY WOULD THINK”…

Decisions I made was always for my happiness… and their decisions were based on the so called “SOCIETY”… but now what… So for past one year, I was indirectly brining this topic of my travelling, every now and then, into any general talks at home. I was trying to prepare my mom for the shock and expected she wouldn’t be as surprised as she could be otherwise…Though, every time I mentioned about it, she kept repeating…”Go wherever u want, but take your son with you.” It was her displeasure that resonated in those words.

But today…Today, my cousin had visited us. She is very close to mom than us, talking regularly on phone and keeping in touch etc etc (I should confess, I am bad at keeping in touch with relatives.) So in between the talks, this talk about travelling came up. A very general talk…

Me: Oh Didi, I am going in January to XXXX... (Awaiting for a reaction...) 

Mom: With WHOM? (Brows up)

Me: Alone… (Ofcourse…)

Mom: You will NOT… (Irritated…)

Me: I will. I have been telling this for long. (Stern...I am not moving...)

Mom: You WILL, after I die… (Angry…)

Me: Amma, LETS NOT ARGUE ON THIS. IF I AM DECIDING TO GO, I WILL. PLEASE DON’T MAKE AN ISSUE OUT OF THIS. (PERIOD, fed up)

Mom: ……… (SILENCE which is dangerous than any other statement….)

The conversation continued with a lecture by my cousin on WHY SHOULD I GO ALONE and WHY DON’T I GO WITH HUSBAND…etc etc etc… But nothing was getting through my senses… I knew for sure, that both me and mom is now going through the same emotions…

Frustration…and Silence….and I knew it…

I need to talk…