I shall never change...

I had borrowed my cousin’s scooter for my early morning temple visits. So as I rode out of that temple premise; suddenly I heard a voice, “Child, you are blessed with all talents…”… I was a bit surprised… The scooter was automatically stopped as I looked to my right side to see who said that…I saw a man by the road side with a Parrot…He was a Card reader… The tensions in my mind was so depressing that I was ACTUALLY looking for some comfort or solution or positive support from somewhere..As always; I decided to try knowing what is in store for me…As u all know, I believe strongly in astrology and palmistry and all…

I parked the scooter on the road side, right near him…and sat on a stone paved foot path in front of the parrot… I had a completely blank face, smiling hard, embarrassed at myself for sitting there on that road side… That was a first time for me…I always had some relatives with me… As soon as, I sat there…he continued…

“Child, u were destined to see me today… u have come to the goddess’ abode asking for some peace of mind… you did everything u could… but still u r not happy…u dint step out of her premise with the least amount of satisfaction…”
I smiled…

“U smile as if u have NO Worries…but that’s a charade u had put ON from the day u were born… u would never part with that smile, even if u might scream with pain… U are waiting for a positive reply…A Job change is right near you… You would change your job within a month…That is 100% fixed…But before that you would be writing an exam for that job change…”

I was surprised…Yeah, Job change is right…but exam..Naaah…I am already done with interview and assessment and all… All that was remaining was a positive reply from my old office and to join the new place ON time… (but, within a day, I knew, what he said was right…bcoz the very evening, the HR staff from the new place called me and informed me that she is sending me a link for an Online Assessment… I need to complete the test ASAP….)

And so he continued…Trust me friends..even if I wasn’t a believer, that day, I would have started believing astrology or atleast his talent in telling the most confidential phase of my life…as if he was part of my life through out… He didn’t ask for big amount of money or anything… He just said, “the next time u come to this temple; u would not have to fake a smile…u would be genuinely happy…and that day; offer a lamp for the Goddess as a token of Thanks..”

At that point, I wondered, will I ever be able to happily enter the temple premises… Bcoz it seemed close to impossible then…But today I know, I would be going there happily the next time I go to that city…atleast, I wouldn’t be sad thinking of the unhappy situation I had faced at my old office…

I really wanna share with u some of the most surprising things that he said about me…which nobdy can discover within 5 minutes of seeing me…

1. Your son gets the love of 02 mothers…could be ur mother or mother in law…He cares for the other mother more than he cares for u… (TRUE, grrrr….)
2. You were supposed to be one out 3 kids for your parents…But in existence; u will have only 1 brother…. (True, my mom had done an abortion before me…hmm…)
3. Your brother cares for your son like a father and your son is attached to your brother more than he could be with his own father. (True…)
4. You have got a very keen Sixth sense; but none around u heed to your words until and unless they realize it in the hard way… (True True…)
5. You have never had any positive vibe from your In Laws…in fact, You just do what u shd be doing…unfortunately for everything u do for them, never expect anything good in return…you wouldn’t even get love from them…

The more he said, the belief inside me was growing more…How could somebody say so precisely about things in a stranger’s life…He dint promise big things…but then, as I left him that day…eventhough, my tensions stayed as it was before..still I had a hope… IF HE IS RIGHT, then… all my problems will be soon over… Co-incidence or not; as soon as I was back from vacation; I got my release from my old office and I am sitting happily at my new place now…
Do you wanna know; what was that one thing he told me that really made me think hard…he said..

“Child…whatever happen…WHATEVER….never do 3 things in ur life…bcoz these r the three things that can turn hazardous to u….
1. Don’t get angry…(I knew it…as anger was one thing that was really making me uncontrollable)
2. Never cry… (uhmmm…that’s true…bcoz, the moment I cried, I turned weak and vulnerable…I always faced every problems with my stubborn confidence…)
3. Never give a single penny with your hand to ANYBODY…not even as a gift… (How true, bcoz every single person whom I had considered the best f my friends, once I lend money to them during their hard times…just disappeared…Losing the money was not the pain..but realizing the truth of a Person who I had considered as a GOOD FRIEND was not a good feeling…)”

But then on a lighter note, It is not good for me to lend money to anybody…But, Hey…I can borrow…from ANYBODY…

Hey guys, I know, you would have 101 thoughts and anti slogans for my belief…but please trust me…this is my belief and I am not going to change…lol!!!

I shall never change…

Bribing the Almighty...

Touch wood, things in my life r going in a normal way with not much negative stuffs to worry about …the back pain and the allergy issues do disturb me at times..but I can manage them now, as I am emotionally happy…yipeeeee…Do u remember myself talking to u all about my belief in Astrology…uhmm…these r the moments, when my belief gets stronger…Hey, Dint I tell u about my encounter with the Astrologer during my vacation 2 months back???Oho…I missed that…I shdnt have…I know, many of u doesn’t really have much belief in such things…but I would wanna stick to my personal choice…OK???

So, as u all know, last June, was the month I had this new job offer and I was almost happy…but something was bugging me inside that I couldn’t believe that, ATLAST, I gonna get out of that environment…with much better prospects… Something in me was not letting me be HAPPY and my friend was continuously assuring me…”WHY WORRY..SEE, EVERYTHING IS FINE…U GOT THE OFFER, U SIGNED THE CONTRACT…NOW U GO FOR UR VACATION AND WHEN U COME BACK U START AFRESH AT THE NEW PLACE…”…True…but, something wasn’t right…I felt…My Sixth Sense maybe…

Exactly 1 day before I was flying off for vacation, a call from my HR (my old company)…. The tone was not so encouraging… OUTLINE… ‘I can’t leave the company…atleast for another 2 months…and also I can’t go on leave during my Notice period…I can utilize my leave balance, maybe during the 2nd month of my notice period…’…NOWWWW…I was devastated…my New company wanted to me to start with them ASAP…and these people wont let me go before 2 months…I was lost…I felt, I am losing my present job and also the new job offer…I was like almost pleading while I requested the HR to help me sort it out with much damage…hmmm…Anyways, thanks to the HR Director…she asked me to go on leave as I had some Doctor’s appointments too to take care of…

But, the uncertainty on my job front was eating me throughout… That’s what I had mentioned in one of my earlier post… I felt, Now ONLY God could help me…I literally stepped into the Temples with weeping hearts… (u can understand what big a trauma I was in, then…)…Not a single person around me ever realized that…As I always had those smiling, laughing stature…Why make them worry, that’s what I always followed…So naturally, Temples were the only resort for me to outpour my emotions, fears and sorrows…Hoping, he, the almighty would help me out…

I went to each place…Enquiring to every person at the temple, for the different rituals that I could do to remove all obstacles in my life…for any special prayers to remove tensions from my life…and what not…Literally, I was bribing God, the almighty…IF U HELP ME WITH THIS, I WOULD DO THIS and THAT…hmm…I thought of it in that way…AM I DOING WRONG by taking up this way…Can gods be bribed…

Uhm… Anyways…whatever it was… He was my final Hope…and I decided to leave everything in his hands… Somewhere deep inside, I kept on giving him different Offers…”IF this…then that…”… I offered any rituals that was considered auspicious at every temple I visited…Prayed soo hard…I felt better..but not Best…As I stood in front of those Idols of my Spiritual Beliefs…I was literally talking to them..as if I was to my own mother…

“God, u know na..what is happening…Its too troublesome for me..Pls do smthing, na…I cant take this tension anymore…I don’t wanna end up losing my new job…it’s a good one…Sort it out…Soon…before I return after my vacation..solve the problems…OK???”

And so on went the One-sided conversations…As I exited each of those temple doors, I turned and looked at them…as if to remind them one last time NOT to forget my issue…hmmm…and it was at the steps of one such temple…I found him..or lemme say…

HE FOUND ME…

Good Bye Miss. Show OFF...Phew!!!

Blogging seems to be a never happening thing for me now a days…hmmm…ofcourse, I swear, laziness is not the reason..if SO, I would have atleast visited others’ blogs and commented too na…Maybe after days I was able to atleast peep into Dost’s blog ystrdy…and when he saw my comment…he complained…why am I not writing to him now a days…Hey, Dost..trust me…I am indeed busy…or rather, the lesser working hours during the Ramadan month attributes to the busy status of myself…

So, let me continue with the confrontation episode…by now, SHE is Past for me…a past tht I almost wanna ignore in my life…But as, I had started telling u guys about her..I wanna atleast complete that phase of my confrontation with Miss. Show OFF..

So after the Phone Call Issue…We continued…

Jzt: So, S…I really wanna listen to all ur reasons to harass me…tel me, my next mistake as per U…What is that second thing that u feel I do that is NOT RIGHT…

S: U DON’T ASK FOR WORK…

Jzt: WHAT?

S: When u have no work to do? U don’t look for work around…

Jzt: S, can u tell me..in this office, who is the ONE who ask for work …

S: Yes, Only U ask…but when we have no work at all…then…

Jzt: THEN??? What do I do then…When I am done with my work…I ask all my colleagues if they need my help on anything…If none of them have anything, what else u expect me to do…

S: U are browsing the net…and U sit simply…U should look for work…

Jzt: (turning to Boss) Boss, Can u do me a favour…Can u please ask the IT team to get a printout of the websites myself and others in this office is visiting…I would like to see, WHO IS BROWSING and WHO IS NOT…and WHAT and HOW MUCH are they browsing… (I was sure, if such a thing was done, SHE would be the first one in trouble…bcoz she was the only one who browsed the whole day)… I am asking u this bcoz, I am sure of what I am doing..and I don’t have to fear anything… U tell me, my Job Description is to XXXXXXXXX…When I am done with tht, I ask all of them if they have anything to do…and if NONE of them have anything, I would rather sit simply, or read some Newspapers online or maxim some blogs….You can see the ratio of work happening in this department..With 80% work done by myself, how u expect I get FREE time…from the moment I enter this office, I am head down on work and IF by any chance I get some free time, WHAT DO U WANT ME TO DO…WALK AROUND ALL THE FLOORS AND ASK IF ANY OTHER DEPARTMENT HAS ANY WORK…

Boss: Uhm, S…I again feel… SHE is right…I know the amount of work Jzt is doing…and even if she is browsing when she has nothing else to do..Why worry..As long as her work is not affected, its of no worries…We all browse..I too does…So, maybe u should change ur outlook…

S: Yes Boss…(again angry node…)

Jzt: Ok, u can continue…What is the next issue…

S: I don’t remember anything as such…But then, I don’t like u telling me about ur things…

Jzt: WHAT…I am telling u about my things..or U r shouting about urself in the office so tht the whole office hear u…WHAT do u know abt me…Have u ever heard me telling anything personal, in this office…

S: No, I meant, whenever u go out of the office…U tell me where u r going..I don’t like tht…

(Now, the issue is…When I visit another department or go for lunch or the washroom..I inform her of the same…Reason was mainly because, if at all somebody looks for me, She could atleast let them know where am I…and I explained the same to the boss…)

Jzt: Ok, S…if u don’t wanna know it…I wouldn’t say...Its easy for me too…and much better…

Boss: Ok, Jzt..so now u know, right..?? So now onwards, never tell her where u going..she doesn't like it…

Jzt: Yes Boss…(Smiling...or was it ridiculing…)

And with tht…the confrontation part was over…a sort of SILENCE prevailed between us…days passed by..I submitted my resignation…went for vacation…joined back work…1 week more with that office…and on the last day….Work was flowing like hell…She, for some reason kept on bulking my table with the work…When she kept 7 files on my table, she place 2 on the other females desk…I dint mind…I finished all 7…before lunch break… I informed my boss that I was going for a farewell lunch arranged by some of the friends from other department…Unfortunately, I got delayed by 30minutes…I informed my Boss of the same…I had also kept another colleague informed of the same…

As I came back, a colleague from other office told me that S was looking for me..As I went to my office, I asked S if she was looking for me… “YES, I was…I HAD to know where u have disappeared…”…and I replied… “Oh, but I thought, u dint like me telling u where I was going…that was what was decided during the other day meeting…Moreover, I had informed XX and also the boss too…” I could feel (#&$(^$*^@(^$ from her side…

The day was nearing end…She kept on dumping work on my table… I knew, I wouldn’t be able to finish them…as I had enough work for Hand over too…thus..

Jzt: S, I don’t think, I will be able to finish all this…I have so much of stuff to finish and handover before the day end…

S: I don’t CARE…

Jzt: OK…U might not care…BUT I should care about what I am doing…and I cant take up new files when I have pending stuff to be done…

SILENCE….for few minutes…and again…

S: I just want those files to be done before evening…

Jzt: I am sorry, but I have other responsibilities too…

S: U should have thought about it before going for ur Lunch Break…I couldn’t go out because of these works… (Now, POINT TO BE NOTED…she HAD nothing to do..and was just browsing even when she was arguing with me… All she was doing was, getting the new files and dumping on my table…IF SHE WAS that concerned, she could have picked on any of those files and started working on it…Ofcourse, an extra hand would have made a big difference that day…especially, when the load was too large and only me and the other girl was working on them…)

Jzt: Now, S…I didn’t use ur personal time for my lunch break..If I have gone for break, that is what I am entitled for..and the remaining 30minutes, I had informed the person whom I should be informing and that is my BOSS..I am not answerable to u and U R NONE TO order me what I should do..Atleast now, let me decide what I should be doing…I very well know, what IS MY PRIORITY…and u better take care of urself…

I could again feel….grrr…%$&%$#^&%*(^#! ... Anyways, after another 30minutes, she again asked.. “How many files more will u be able to finished today…” and I replied… “I don’t think any…” and that was it…

Now the embarrassing moment came much later…Lol…

Would you believe, just 10 minutes before the end of the working hours…She came out with a FAREWELL CAKE …and that too baked by herself…Gosh… my boss had asked her to…but then, I felt soo embarrassed…I and she had a fight exactly on the day when I was leaving and especially when she had baked me a Cake…

Anyways…a Farewell Speech was made…and my Boss apologetically said that he feel bad that I was dumped with work on my last day…and I was a great employee and was PERFECT in my work…hmmmm….

He then, jokingly said… “Between U and S, maybe something called Chemistry was never there…Else nobody else ever had any issue with Jzt…Whatever happened…nothing should be kept at heart and as we part ways, u should have only good thoughts about us, Jzt…”

And that was the END…of my service there…the Show down and my Cold War with Miss Show OFF…

Good Bye, Miss. Show OFF...Phew!!!

The Royal Confrontation - One DOWN

Thanks to all my blogends who were sweet enough to wish me good luck and give their opinions on what happened with me and Ms. S… Some of u had doubts in mind, why I took it for so long and why should I run away from it…To explain that, you should know exactly what was in my mind while taking all tht in…

I was with that company for almost 3 hours when Recession struck …the department I worked for then was separated from the company and a new Management started ruling it…and to safeguard their employees, majority employees from my department got termination letters including me…If you guys go back to starting days in 2009, you can see what was my mental stature then…It was at such a situation that I was offered this position cancelling my Termination…I was overwhelmed and was at peace…As I feared a financial instability at that moment if there was NO JOB situation…

With this fear in mind, naturally, when u get into a new place, u try to adjust with that place, how much ever problems u might have to face…especially, when u know that Boss trusted the Culprit more than anybody in that department… and especially when rest of the colleagues, never raised a formal complaint, I felt, HOW, I who came just now could start issues…and how can I expect Boss to believe me… rather, he could take me as Problem Maker…Thus, I took everything in…When it was growing above limits…I spoke to him..but dint find much solace…and again tried the same few months back…and what happened, you know…Now, what happened that day…after she placed herself on the chair opposite to me in the Boss’s office room…enjoy…

The Royal Confrontation…

She walked in and took a chair against me…Placed her leg one on top of the other and sat looking at the Boss’s face…I could see, the Boss finding difficulty to start…hmmmm…Finally the words came out…I am typing down some interesting part of that almost 45minutes discussion cum downpour or Final show down…

Boss: Yes, S…U had a complaint about Jzt that she was using the phone a lot. She wanted to speak to you for clarification

S: Sure…Yes, What I said is TRUE? (passing occasional stares towards me…maybe she thought she could burn me down…

Jzt: S, Can you confirm that I am misusing the office hours for my personal phone calls?

S: Yes, you are on the phone too much…

Boss: Jzt, that is not a good way..U should follow some work ethics…(as usual, he was jumping the bush)

Jzt: S, tell me, am I on the phone for long hours. Doesn’t anybody else in this office get calls? Are you not talking on the phone Yappy Yappy, so loudly that the whole floor has to listen to your Cat’s stories or Mother-in Law problems…Have I ever disturbed you with a Single call? Am I talking on the phone loudly? My phone is on Silent mode and even if I get calls, do u see me answering them, except for some really urgent ones…

S: Yes, everybody gets call…But when U get 6 calls, the other girl might get 5 and I might get 4…So u r getting maxim calls..and I dint say you are on phone for long hours..I just said, U GET CALLS… U might not answer, but still u do get calls…

Jzt: S, I am coming here to provide for my family. That doesn’t mean, when I leave my home, I SHOULD forget them and not answer any calls from home or friends. I WOULD ofcourse answer them. But I have the professional ethics to see to it that my talking on the phone doesn’t disturb my colleagues or that I talk on phone for long hours…

(After a series of U, U, ME, ME..)

Boss: Ha, S…If she is only getting calls and not actually answering, then why make it an issue…If she doesn’t sit on phone for long time, then ??…We all would get calls, right…and we CAN talk on phone without disturbing others…So I really doesn’t think, there’s a concern here…I think, you should really think, if there is any BIG issue in this for you to Blame her…

S: OK, Boss… (not so happy expression)

ONE DOWN…and…

to be continued...

Height of Artificiality...

Ok, all my Blogends (Blogger +Friends)… Finally I am off all those traps that I was bound by…I am in here, with lot of fresh air and a fresh positive feeling…Thanks to Dost & Tomz for their prompt response to my earlier blog… Being away from Blogs for long period has such disadvantages…all those regulars who have been there giving me their precious opinions cease coming in …when they see I am no longer writing anything…lol!!! But still, never mind…I would want to vent out all the happiness and sorrows in here..so that I feel relieved by dumping them on to my Blogends’ head..hehe!!! Cool na…So, I am sure, U can feel the cheerfulness in my mood today…that’s the effect of the newness in my life…hmmm…

SO for those who are wondering, what happened..and for those who could understand nothing from my previous blog…Let me tell u…after all the hassles, finally I left my old job and joined a new company…with a better pay, benefits and Position…Ok…now, don’t think…the pay or the benefits or the position was my attraction…they were all added gifts from God to me…The main attraction of the New Job was that I COULD LEAVE THAT PLACE…not that the company I worked for was bad..It was a wonderful company..but the ONE person that I had the misfortune to work with…had made me hate that job where I had spend my last 5 years…

I know, Past is Past…but then, at times, I really wonder, how could I be so enduring…I, who could not take the least bit of unpleasant behavior suffered absolute unacceptable behavior for 2 years without fighting back…hmmm…Wanna share it with you guys…I am sure, many of u might have already gone thru such situations…which should be clearly called as an ABUSE…a Professional Abuse…The name suits it well..as the harassment I had faced was at a very professional environment in a professional way…lol!!!So here goes, some highlights of my days of Abuse…hmm…

Starting Days
An extremely artificial person…Lets call her S meets me and assists me in knowing the work. I wondered why I felt her behavior to be so ARTIFICIAL when she was so nice to me…Days passed as I realized, how artificially she showed her pleasantness to all that was pleasant to her. I behaved well…hmmm…She was not my Boss, but at times she acted as one…I dint mind, as long as it wasn’t of much intensity…

After Six Months…
I was selected as one of the few to be with the Top Management for some specific meetings. I dint feel it to be a big thing, while others said it was…and that day, I started seeing that she started to shower me with rudeness and harshness in anything and everything…Any query from my side was answered with an “IDONT KNOW.. U GO CHECK”…”DON’T TELL ME”…etc etc…I ignored…and behaved friendly as always…

Another Six months…
I had no time to even raise my head at my desk…NOT bcoz work was overflowing in the office…but bcoz work was over flowing on my table…While my two other colleagues sat joking, surfing nets…I was dumped with stuff to do…I WAS FINE…as I never wasted time and finished my work daily on time without keeping anything for pending…

The Two Onlookers…
Uhm my two other colleagues…they behaved normal when she was not around..and when she was there, they behaved as if they never knew me…One of them warned me of S’s nature…of backbiting and bitching…She told me, how she was the Victim till I came and now, S is busy focusing on only ME…She shamelessly told me, how she acted so excitedly to her just to avoid a confrontation…I too started noticing, how quickly they used to ridicule her the moment she left the room..even for the matters they all spoke so sweetly with each other…They adviced me too to just SHOW OFF affection…I couldn’t…So…situation didn’t change much…I existed in that office only for the work side and for them, they acted, I dint ever exist…

Tough days…
After the First year, it was almost near to my limit of adjusting and ignoring..things started getting into my nerves…Finally, I decided to take it up with Superiors…I reached the HR…The Director gave two options…Either go for a formal Complaint..or Confront her with the issue…

I confronted her in front of the Boss…She said some CRAP reasons for her CRAPPY behavior…She was in the tension of some exams…I said softly… “Never take your personal tensions on others… I wouldn’t do that even if I had 101 tensions outside...”

Behind the Scene
She was genuinely trying to malign my reputation in front of my boss…with regular complaints about me..Can we call it a complaint…or should we call it a School Kid fantasies… “Teacher, tht kid pinched me…Teacher, she’s staring at me…Teacher, She’s not sitting on her seat…”

On three different occasions, the BOSS behaved as if he believed everything he said, and he came forward with some SO CALLED SUGGESTIONS…He never confronted me with such issues as complaints…But as Suggestions… Some of the conversations we had…

“Jzt, please take care of coming on time to work…HR is monitoring”
“But, Boss, I reach office daily 15 minutes before time…”
“OH OK, then fine…I just informed you of policies…” (Remember, I had joined that company even before he was there…and this was just an Internal Transfer)

“Jzt, kindly see to it that during office timings, you don’t use the phone much…”
“But Boss, you are sitting near me. Have you ever seen me on phone during duty hours…”
“No..I haven’t seen you..I was just saying…”
“Ok, if I was doing that, I could have controlled it..Still I will keep it in mind..”

“Jzt, S is planning some work…her new initiative…U should help her in tht..”
“But Boss, this has been initiated & implemented by me soon after I joined this office…And I am regularly updating it…”
“Oh, u r already up-to date on that…??? Then its fine…”

Etc etc etc…

Three months back…
Limits were broken…frustrations grew…No talks helped…I hated going to that office, seeing her face…Wished, I could just leave everything and blast out of that place…Indirectly, it started affecting my health…my mental peace..my behavior…my temperament…in short…it was destroying me completely… I knew it…

A Confidential Meeting…
A Last try…Met with the Boss personally…and explained how pathetic things were happening…He claimed, that even he had noticed…At the end, I declared… “If she can’t change, I can either look for a job change or a department change…”… He too was firm when he said... “NO, she has to change...that is not professional…”…We part ways deciding that soon he will meet me and her together and sit and discuss…I waited eagerly for the day…

That was it…
Five days after the meeting, the BOSS called me and shocked me when he said... “Jzt, I have got a complaint against you…You talk on the phone a lot during working hours…”

That was the limit… and I blasted… “BOSS, I AM DONE WITH THIS, NOW...ANYMORE DISCUSSION, I DO IT IN FRONT OF HER…I WANT TO CLEAR THIS NOW AND HERE…”

And soon…She entered…with her usual Artificial Self…for the first time, I laughed mockingly…towards that embodiment of artificiality…

Height of Artificiality…

Door of Hope...

Ok…sooo…laziness is indeed a beautiful experience…uhmm..I think for past 2 months, I was popping out all of sudden and welcoming myself back…Sad part is not many actually noticed my absence…Many of u didn’t even wanted to double check if I was dead or still alive…hmm..maybe u knew it better…Thanks to those few who DID check my whereabouts…and was particularly concerned about my health..uhmm…I am hoping that now onwards I be able to continue normally..without any more laziness flowing into my senses…

Let me tell u guys…more than laziness, it was my peaceless mind that was initiating this long silence from my side…I who always loved to type long mails, felt soo disturbed that even an SMS was too much for me to type…Unanswered mails filled up my Inbox and Unattended duties overflowed into my consciousness… I knew, I wasn’t me…but somehow…even the strongest Rock can break at some point…uhm…Am I being too much by comparing myself to a Rock…Naaaahh!!!!

Anyways…days gone are gone… in between I been for a short vacation too…Yipeee, for my cousin’s marriage…Didn’t I tell u guys of my cousin who was getting married to a Northie…Cool…had a SUPERB marriage…Our Marriages are mainly rituals…so imagine, if adding to it, we followed all traditional rituals of North Indians too…Double Dhamaka…Still a regret…the days when I should have been open heartedly enjoying…I was actually in dilemma…hmm..

I could have very well called myself a Fire Cracker…Outside it was all colours and beautiful exploding out its beauty…Inside, it was all a burning…hmm…Yeah…reason being Uncertainity…as usual…Imagine, u find a door in front of you open for you...u know, it’s the door thru where u can escape ur sorrows…but then, as u approach it, u find urself entangled in some ropes and in that confusion, U feel the doors are closing slowly…Only if u release yourself from those ropes, can u reach the door before it gets completely closed…I was in somewhat similar situation….

I took my flight to my home country with such an entanglement in my heart and mind…Had NO idea what was going to happen to that New Hope…So naturally..amidst all the fun, my mind was restless and tensed and upset…I laughed and smiled and all of a sudden I would get gloomy at heart…tried hard not to show it out and spoil other’s mood too…Thus through out my vacation, I was like burning inside and glowing outside…hmm…

Again…past is past…today…I am near that door…Almost 99% of the trap beneath my feet is off me…I could slowly get up and walk towards that door…I feel I will be soon entering that door…Just a few more obstacles and I would be in there…where I feel I would be freed from all the tensions I have been going through the past years…where I could be myself…where I could have everything that I wished to have…where I could be happy and feel wanted…

Yes friends…Wish me luck…add me in your prayers…pray for me that all those optimistic feelings I have now would come true…Pray for me so that the Door be what I wish for…and Let not that door be another Trap…I am right there, just waiting for the last few steps to be taken…with a mixture of optimism and pessimism, here I am taking those steps…towards that door…

The Door of Hope…

The GfN Spy...

Here, I am…back…again…from another hibernation mode…God knows, if I will droop back to my hibernating den again…Bcoz, I myself is unsure, what is my state of mind NOW… Somehow, in a state of GfN - Good for Nothing....uhmm...After days, today I returned to many of the blogs that I used to follow on a daily basis…Bikram, Tomz, Dost etc…Gosh, they all are so much ahead from the point I left them…hmm…Need to give some time to read their old posts which I missed during my Hibernation period…Bikram’s tags did make me think…What could be my answers to those questions…I even thought, should I write mine down too…But then, I passed by Tomz…and I found a Villain that we would find in our fears and idiotic thoughts…hahaha…

Yeah Tomz, from the moment I read ur blog, I have been imagining you as one of those Spies with Shaded glasses, long cloaks and a Hat that covers most of ur face…Trust me, U looked ridiculous…hahahah!!! I swear, Why did u have to scare the hell out of that so called SAURAV…poor guy…he might be still wondering, how the hell…Hope he read ur blog…My comment at ur blog was not to provoke u…OK??? I was just trying to be over smart…Maybe that is one thing that would never die in me…Over Smartness…The confidence that NO ONE else have a better Fore-Sight than me…

But then, your post took me to a completely different phase of my life…Maybe, it has no relevance to your post…but then…somehow, I remembered those past days…and felt like jotting it down…and so here it goes…

Those were the days when I was still not on the two wheeler that was a companion later…Naturally, the other option was the only choice…afterall, Government had spend lakhs on getting those 4 wheel giants on the roads…So, we had to use it na…Lol…the to and fro journey to the college was on the Public Bus…there were regular Ladies Only buses those time and myself and my then shadow, My cousin who was two years younger to me, was a regular in one of those buses…5 days a week…We enjoyed the ride, especially bcoz, we were more like Tom Boys inside those buses with just the Ticket Collector and the driver as Males and rest all of us being Girls…hehe!!!I was a regular Foot Board traveler, just to SHOW OFF…Nobody (driver / Ticket collector) questioned, as they were scared of the Girls…hahah!!!

Ok, now this story is not happening inside those buses.. lets come out of there…So, daily morning, I walked the distance from my home to my cousin’s house and from there to the Bus stop…We walked as if the roads belonged to our fore-fathers…lol!!! Maybe, it did…we never know…but then, the neighborhood knew my family so well as they have been there for years..and So I was a known person to most of the people I met on those roads…At the Bus stop too, I met people who knew me or my parents atleast…So I was sort of always under the eyes of SPIES….uhmm…If anything Not-So Normal happened at the bus stop, I knew, it would reach my mom’s years before even I reached my home…So you can imagine, how good were the Spies I had to face….

Days passed by…I and my cousin have been noticing a few GENTLEMEN in bikes doing their rounds daily morning and evening…It was quite obvious that they were more keen to know what was there at the Bus Stop and not on the roads…we had many a times happily wished, if they didn’t notice the pit on the road…hehe!!! Out of all these “Bhaiyyas”, one guy was more punctual in his daily routine…He would daily follow us at a neat distance…and would wait till the Bus till we boarded the bus..and then in the evenings, he gave us his Body guard service till I entered my house premises…hmm, Cool, A Free Body Guard…good for me…

But then, it felt creepy, when one fine day, somebody started calling me at my home number..Mobiles were unknown those days…Whoever, he was…he was good at Spying…He always spoke in Spooky voice reminding of those dark passages where the Hardy Boys or the Famous Five Detectives stood during investigation...

“Helloooo, Today you were really sweet…liked ur smile that you gave your teacher…” CUTTT – call was disconnected…SURPRISED….

“Hellooo…That Red top suited you so beautifully today…”.. CUTTTT….SHOCKED…

“Haiii…Why didn’t you go to College today…Missed you…”.. CUTTT… BLOODY HELLL…

“Hellooo…Beware of those boys from XXX College,t hey doesn’t mean any good…Tell your cousin specially…I know, you can manage yourself…”…. CUTTT…WHAT THE %&$%&*(^%#...

And so on…This person seems to be knowing everything that happened to me when I was at the Bus Stop…I literally started being so cautious that I kept on looking at all windows and cars and bikes and what not around the Bus Stop…Naturally, the first point of DOUBT was the Free Body Guard…but then, I had NO Evidence…

One day, I got a call from a different voice…This person was asking my friendship…Ha…NO Face Books…so naturally Friendship request was done through phones…I responded… “I DON’T MAKE FRIENDS WITH STRANGERS…COME IN FRONT OF ME AND REQUEST”…and the Next day, at the bus stop…stood in front of me…THE BODY GUARD… “I was the one who called yesterday..Can we be friends…”…All that was inside me against the Spooky Voice also was showered on him…heeh!! Starting with “What the hell do you think of yourself….” I went on, till he apologized and left the scene…Even though the distance was more, he still never stopped providing the Security Service…

But that evening, I got the call again from the Spooky Voice…

“Hey, Good you threw that guy’s head off…Thanks a lot…I was worried…whether you can manage…I want to tell you something…My name is Jimmy…I know you from past 2 years…and some time in between started loving you...Never knew how to come and tell you…Today found the courage and is openly telling you…If you are OK, can we meet…” …

“You creep…U people have no other work…Mornings, you spend Spying on girls on the road…evenings you take round calling them and proposing…Go, look for somebody else, who might fall for this joke…IDIOT…For your safety, let me warn you…We are installing Caller-ID..and next time you try to show your love…your Number will reach the Police Records…”…CUTTTTTTT….HURRAYYYYYYYYY!!!!

I knew it was not the END…but then, atleast I had ignited the start of the End…Calls continued…but, from different telephone booths…maybe, till he had NO MORE money in his pocket to waste on such calls…hahah!!!

But then seriously…I still don’t know the Identity of my Spy… He could be even one among you …Grr..then here goes my Anonymity… Still…I am not interested in knowing who he was or what was his intention…All I know is…

He was nothing more than a Good for Nothing (GfN) Idiot, who wasted his parent’s telephone bill to play pranks on some random girls….uhmmm…God, knows where he is today…

“The GfN Spy”

Reflection with a Makeover...

Voila…Long time, right?…what to do…not just the urge to post something will let me do that na…Should have the right mood too …and as its much known to all of u…I am a Sentimental Idiot na…somehow, the month of May has been tough on me…or was it me who was tough…better to phrase it so…"I am tough…to be normal…" What to do, afterall, things happening around also never gave any positive feel to rejuvenate my mood…So naturally, I was just being gloomy and irritative to people around me…and my health…Even my health was not happy with me, I suppose…So just decided to give up on me, I suppose…The ongoing back pain, grew from worse to worser…A fever caught me unguarded and I was pinned down to the bed and even to the hospital bed…uhmmm…No complaints…This month too will pass by…

Hey guys, just some time back…I happened to make a comment on Ro’s blog…regarding Sending Friend’s invite to people in the FB…somehow, I voted against her opinion on the same… My view point was, People can send Invites…and it depended on us, if we wanna accept it or not…(her view was just an outpour of frustration some Stalker Friend was giving her with unwanted Invites…lol!!!)…So, myself, even if not a regular in the Facebook, does accept invites…ONLY once I am convinced that I knew that person…Especially, if the invites were from Men, I made sure that I knew them or not…usually, a one line mail would follow from me to him….DO WE KNOW EACH OTHER?...the response mail could reveal, if actually he/she knew me…

Few days, back…I got one such invite…from someone…who I had NO idea who he was…finding a lot of Mutual friends from my School friends, I had a vague feeling, maybe he might be one of the old classmate… Ours was a Girls’ only school and boys were allowed only till 04th Standard… And stupidly, my brain’s Hard Disk had NO prominent Memory of any Boy’s Face…just I remember one boy, which was majorly bcoz, we used to meet even after he left the school at different Competitions or Cultural Fests…and he later grew to popularity with his talent…Gosh, I am talking too much naaa…Let me get back to topic…

So when I saw this Friend’s Invite from a “Guy Unknown”…my first reflex was to send him a message … “DO WE KNOW EACH OTHER”…after the SEND button was clicked, I noticed I had a message from him… “were we classmates in XXXX? ur face looks familiar...” … Ok…so we might have been classmates yearssssssss back…Now, you all can guess…I had NO idea…and with my reply, he said, that if I knew the other guy, then surely we have met each other…Bcoz, he was always with that guy at Cultural Fests…Thoughts flashed by thru my mind… “Uhmmmmmmmmmmm….So he was a rival….and surely one among those Boys who never left chances to show their Superiority at Cultural Fests…”…Frankly, many a times I hated those boys…Not one or two, but I have had quite some bitter experiences during many such Fests…Lol, I didn’t say any of this to him…

And thus, I started conversing with him thru mails…Surprise, Surprise…we spoke as if we were friends for years…Not even once we addressed each other with our names…we were… “Hey, U, Yaar, Idiot, Fool, Stupid, Monkey…” and what not…It was after these mails, that we added each other as friends in FB…and then I saw his photo…Aha….I remember him…He is the Silver Eyed Boy…who could sing too…I also had a vague feeling…that This boy and I was not big friends…rather, we might have even had some bad vibes during school days…lol!!! Don’t know, why I felt so…but I was somewhat sure…We were not friends before…

But, hey…Now we are…The way we fought thru mails or chats…we behaved as if we have been friends for years…The first day, we emailed each other, I wasn’t in best of moods…but then, fighting with him..I felt as if I was back to school days…He was telling many a times, that School days were fun…I was Not sure…I dint deny..nor agree…bcoz I was not sure…As I had not much memory na…lol!!! I was stupid, indeed...

Before long, I knew, what was the connection we had…and why we fought always…Bcoz, he was almost same like me…the stupid phrases that I always used, he was saying them to me…like saying DANKS for Thanks and so on…we fought for tht too…arguing tht he was copying my style…No, he wasn’t…that was his style too…we both thought the same way…and somewhere during those chats, I realised…he too was like me…He Smiled when tears were welling in his heart…I could feel it from the way he spoke…bcoz that wud have been the exact way I wud have spoken…While I was assessing him from my side, I forgot, he too could be assessing me…maybe what I noticed, he too could have noticed…the resemblance in our behaviour, nature and even the non stop talkative style….

Anyways…now we are having those school day fun…in our own style…like small children…rekindling the school days…when we get serious, we Change Topics…as we wanna be happy and Kids…and not Adults with lots of Kushi and Ghams…and we talk – Tit for Tat…and once he even jokingly said… “We are fighting..and God knows who will win at the end…” and the over confident me seriously replied…”Naturally Me…”..

"Hey friend, Danks buddy, for adding me as a friend…I am sure, we have some good share of Jokes and Fun to share…and an equally fair share of Sorrows and Horrors…Don’t worry…both of us know, we r strong…and we can fight it out…in our style..the Kiddy style…After all…You are a Male version of Myself…heheh!!! Now, dont kick me for this...But this is what I felt...U are something like a Mirror Reflection…

My Reflection with a Makeover…

I am back...and fine...

A week filled with the most unexpected and strenuous happenings passed by…I just feel that it was just yesterday when I landed in the New Terminal with my heart beating fast with the uncertainty of my dad’s health…And now, I am back home…and within hours I would be getting ready to resume my official duties…Why so…why does Out of Office status change so fast to Back in Office…Especially, when you couldn’t actually enjoy your vacation, it makes it more difficult to actually drag yourself to your office chair…For me, as you all know, days at hospital and the essential/unavoidable house visits took off almost all of my vacation…

Now sitting on my bed, I was wondering…Am I actually happy to be back or sad…For strange reasons, this time, I am genuinely happy to be back…inside my room, where I could feel the breath of peace of mind…What was it, that actually made me wish IF I was back…if I start quoting them down, maybe I might get some umpteen reasons…and then majority of you might feel, I am being too silly…but then, truth is…somehow, I was not feeling comfortable there in my native land…Amidst all my family members, I felt Lonely...I never show it out, what I feel…I always act as if I am strong and is right there with them…But, in real…My inner heart was wishing hard…If only I was away from them…from everybody…from my family…

But then, something that I got to realize this time was… “At the end of the day, everybody would have their own priorities and favourites…and You shouldn’t expect people to care for you the same way as You might care for them…”… As I had said once before, I am a Sentimental Idiot…and wish to always get lots of pampering and love and support, atleast from those who I pour my affection…When, small instances of opposing character comes up, I get upset, inside..while outside I might be boldly fighting it off…

This time, confrontations were many…In just 5-6 days, I had to listen to atleast 3-4 different opinions to matters pertaining to my life…When somebody blindly confronted for her sister; somebody confronted for herself and some others for people who they have NO remote idea what the truth could be…Everybody had reasons…and that was, THEY CARED MORE FOR THEM…atleast tht was what I understood…Nobody actually thought twice, if there was substance on the other side…A display of Partiality, maybe…So, at the end, I had to defend myself…for my behavior, for my cause…As I felt, I was getting cornered, I felt as if I was choking to death…fighting off the tears that could have burnt down my charade was difficult…still…

I can’t blame anybody…Bcoz, after all, even if it was me, I too would do the same…even if someone try pointing out mistakes of my loved ones, I might fight back…But what was hurting was, all those people who confronted me, where the same loved ones, that I would have sacrificed my life for…I felt sad, when not a single person, actually saw what I might be going through…As they preached hard on the Universal Theory of “TAKE IT SILENTLY…BY FIGHTING BACK, U R LOOSING YOUR CREDIBILITY” or “WE SUPPORT HIM, BCOZ WE KNOW HE IS NICE…” etc etc…But then, what I don’t understand is…How can somebody take Insult and Hatred continuously, without at some point losing your cool…(Maybe I need to learn to do that)…How can somebody judge a person just for the way he/she behaves to them, when it is a completely different person who is seeing the Real self of the other…How can we judge if “All that Glitters is Gold…”

Ok, I am frustrated..or rather was frustrated…Now, I am fine..back in my space…I can live my life without hollow advices or one sided judgments…

As on the update…My dad is fine now…He is discharged from Hospital and is slowly recovering, with strict restrictions on Food, highly monitored and controlled exercises and medication…He is feeling terrible with this State of Health, but then he’s slowly getting used to reality…

My Uncle’s son’s marriage and reception party went on well…and amidst hospital duty, I could attend the function, as dad was forcing me to attend them as he felt, it wasn’t right for us to not attend it…Especially, when dad was in ICU and all that I was or could do was sit outside in the corridors…

My Aunt’s daughter got engaged to the North Indian boy…finally…The boy had proposed to her years back and she never accepted it knowing her father hated love marriages…But years later…when the boy again approached my uncle directly with his interest to marry my cousin…my uncle gave it a thought…Finally, he said YES, when he realized that it was always better to send her daughter with somebody who love her more than her wealth…A Ring Exchange function was arranged in Short Notice…and I felt so happy seeing her smiling face…She was happy…so was he…

A day of Strike by the Communist Party made the roads almost near to empty and I had no more time to finish my House Visits…So after years, I drove a Scooter, as getting out into the roads in a car meant, you could get a shower of stone rain any time by the party workers…Borrowed from my cousin, the Hero Honda Pleasure was really cool… I took my son around, who enjoyed the bike ride too (he wouldn’t just get down from it later)…It was fun…but..left me with a bad Sun Tan, bad back pain (my earlier issue was already worsening with the Hospital duty and this might have aggravated it…Lol, I know, I was not supposed to ride a scooter with Neuro problem)…

And hey, I met an Old Friend…almost after 15-18 years…and guess what, He was the first one to propose me his love…at the age of 11…heheh!!! He was shocked to see me after this many years…He said, I have changed a lot in my looks, but still the same in my behavior and nature (grr…he meant my non-stop talking…)…He was so happy that we met…and thanked me for initiating the meeting…Thanks to him, that he never forgot me…Bcoz, on the phone, as soon as I mentioned a common friend’s name…he asked if it was me…sooo, that was nice…He is into TV Anchoring and stuff now a days and saved some Autorikshaw charges when he happily volunteered to be my Chauffeur, lol!!! We shared some nostalgic memories from our childhood and that was nice and refreshing…

So on the whole, I have had lot of bad times and some really good times too…While I regret some of them, I am happy some others did happen…As for the good things that happened would stay in my heart and would make me fresh…and the bad things would teach me to be strong and even change myself, atleast in some way or other…Whatever said and done…

I am back…and I am fine…

Thanks to You, U & Youuuuu...

I still can’t imagine that today actually happened in my life…and how could I sit in front of this computer, now at this hour of the night and find the strength to put my experience down into pages… I have seen almost all sort of emotions a human being could take in…In a single day…not that, I was ever devoid of all sort of mixture of experiences…but today…it all just happened…and I was going through it…a crowd was around me as a support, still I felt I was alone…why…bcoz a life was at stake at the other end of my story…Life of my father…

What were the emotions that I went thru today…if I try jotting it down…I had to act as if I was the most happiest when I was almost bursting into tears…I joked and had fun, when my heart burned…I wished if I could know what was going to happen the next moment…I feared the worst…tears, smiles, fears, uncertainty, confusion, doubt, blankness and after everything relief and happiness…that was my last 24 hours…I wanted to put it into words, so that someday years later, I could read it and realize the value of so many things, that we may otherwise tend to forget…

Yesterday at around 1600hrs I was on my way back from office…if u guys remember, I had posted in my last blog that I was travelling… happily looking forward for the short but surely the sweetest trip, I was hurrying to reach home…and … I found myself stuck in traffic..just because some stupid driver decided to drive harshly and bang against other cars blocking the whole road…crossing the traffic, I was just minutes away from my home… I knew my mom and son was almost ready to start to the Airport…TRINGGGG…TRINGGGGGG…. I hated
that ring tone always…but this time…as I saw my aunt’s name blinking, I disconnected the call and gave a ring back…expecting a cheerful “WHEN WILL U REACH…”…but…what I heard was… “Dear, Jeeju is not feeling well…we are taking him to hospital… might have to admit him…”… Shocked, I was… “What…Aunty…What…What happened to dad…???”… Whatever she said went above my head…before I could even imagine tears tickled my cheeks…and I was trying hard to see the road through the tears…I just knew one thing… “DON’T LET MOM KNOW, TILL WE REACH INDIA…”

Wiping tears and putting on a false smile I entered my home…and the moments after that were nothing less that torture…my mom, who was so excited about the trip and impending marriage…was busy…getting dressed, doing last minute packing…adding some extra things… arranging Sari..and so on…I was trying hard to walk around…my tears transformed into anger and I kept on finding faults in my son or anything around me and I shouted for no reason…my brother who soon came in screamed at me and warned me not to give even a hint of the bad news to Mom…I continued acting…. A total of 12 hours I went on so…early morning 4…we were almost about to land…I succeeded in hiding the news from my mom…

As my mom started making plans for what she would be doing once she reach…I had to tell…I said… “Mom, lets not make plans..we might have to go somewhere else…” and the first drop of tears fell off my eyes…Mom might have known something was not right…She gave me few moments before she asked me WHAT…I could not say much…just that dad might not come to pick us up at airport…as he was planning to go for a checkup at the hospital…I lied saying dad had called to inform the same…She knew, things were not that simple as I tried putting forth… After 4 hours…I found myself standing in front of Intensive Cardiac Care Unit…I wanted to see my dad…I wasn’t allowed…as they wanted the doctor to let us know what is the course of action…

101 advices were drowning me… “Don’t listen to the doctor…Your father was absolutely fine…If they ask to do some Angioplasty…Don’t agree…The doctors just want to squeeze money out…” and so on went the suggestions…all of them loved my dad a lot and just didn’t want to think that he might be really sick…at the end, my cousin said… “Don’t listen to anything…u talk to the doctor urself..and then u decide what to be done…”…Tears wouldn’t just stop…occasional dramatic laughs did try to relieve me off the pain I was going through…(remember, my mom was still not even half aware of the situation and was at home waiting for an information from me…)…Empty stomached and sleepless me was waiting with praying heart for some positive news….But…

As the main doctor dashed out, he just said… “He will be taken to the Cath Lab in an hour…for Angiogram…We can decide what next only after the Angiogram…”… “But Doctor…” uhmm No answer…he just dashed out…I knew…It wasn’t easy moments for me…As I stared at the doctor walking off, a Nurse came behind us… holding the Consent paper asking for an authorized signature…I woke up as if from a trance…and declared… “NO…I WOULDN’T AGREE TO SIGN UNTIL AND UNLESS I CAN MEET MY DAD…”..thus they let me into the ICCU…and I saw my dad there with wires on both hands… He behaved normal… “When did u reach…where is mom…where is your son…I have no problem…they are mad…unnecessarily admitted me and now wants all sort of stuff
done…”… I just said… “Uhm…now u just keep quiet… I will give you a piece of my mind once you are out of here…Now, tell me..they have asked for an Angio..Can I sign the consent letter…”…Just an Hmmm came as an answer…I knew, my acting skills was coming to an end…I just walked out of the Unit… crying hard against my aunt’s chest…Mom needed to be informed atleast now… She was told if not everything, atleast something…

As we waited outside the Cath Lab for a positive news from the doctors… seconds felt like months and minutes like years… relatives kept on pouring and the mobile phone kept on ringing..and I kept on crying…bcoz, every time, I was trying to keep myself together, I was losing it… remember, my brother couldn’t manage to get his leave to come for the marriage…and even my hubby was out of station for official reasons…Basically, it was just me and mom…who was actually destined to face it … Trust me; my mom’s sister, my aunt didn’t leave us for a second in spite of her high fever…My dad’s brother, my uncle was continuously trying to cheer me up with hugs and jokes…I tried my level best to be strong or atleast act that I was strong…

Soon the doors opened…I was called in…my aunt joined me in…Good or bad news…I was just about to hear… Bad news…Dad had some 4 blocks and needed immediate action…A Bypass or an Angioplasty…I could see my father on the operation table, all awake…he was still connected to the instruments of Angiogram, I suppose… I said…”I want Mom to see dad before we tell mom what is the truth…We will go for Angioplasty…But let mom
meet dad first…”…As my aunt was coaxing my mom to come inside, I went near my dad and started talking some stupid stuff…Like.. “ha, dad, u didn’t put on ur hair dye…when people come to visit u, they will make fun of u…Enjoy this royal treatment… bcoz once u r out of hospital…u will not get this much extra care…” I laughed…holding my tears behind that broad stupid smile…He too acted well… but wasn’t as good as me…bcoz soon I saw tears trickling down his eyes…and I was done…

As I dashed out…I wasn’t quick enough to hide my tears from my Mom who was walking in…NOW, she knew, things are not good… I saw my mom coming out almost as soon as she went in…She couldn’t dare stand near dad…seeing his tears…neither could she act well and hide her tears…She just wept… “I don’t want to see…”As I walked all alone through the busy corridors to pay the advance amount of above 200 thousand, I thanked my Gods for the credit card I was holding…If not for that, what would I have done at that moment…Neither my uncle nor my aunt would have been able to arrange that amount within minutes of the decision…my brother was almost continuously calling me on phone, anxious to know WHAT…As I reached the billing, I was crying…inconsolably…yet none to console other than my brother on the other line of the phone…I knew people were staring at me… Sympathetic glances reached me…

As soon as the Receipt was given to the Nurse, think they might have started the procedure…I couldn’t face my mom…I could see her at one corner of the area…I walked off to another part of the hospital...cried… Spoke on the phone with my loved ones…It wasn’t a relief…but yet, I had someone to cry to…I knew I was putting anybody who spoke to me on phone in pain too…but I needed some wall to lean against… Concern also grew for my uncle…who also had recent medical issues and was sitting with us without any food or medicine for almost 8 hours now…and he wouldn’t budge unless I decide to eat something…my cousin who was to be married in 2 days came in and finally, I forced everybody to go down to the canteen for some lunch leaving my cousin at the Cath Lab door…tears was in generous amount…still…we managed to swallow something…

My aunt’s fever was rising and her face looked like hell due fatigue…neither would she listen, when we asked her to go home and take rest…and again… TRINGGG… “Doctor wants to see you…Please come fast”…I ran without even properly washing my hands...leaving my uncle and mom …warning both of them to finish the lunch…Like before, I and aunt entered the Cath Lab Monitors room and it was Good news..finally…Angioplasty was over.. successfully… the doctor’s words were… “I should say..by god’s grace, we had no complications…else it could have been really bad…”…he further showed us the Visual video of the heart blocks and later the procedure and finally my dad’s block-free heart, its veins and the blood flow…As I watched, I could see thru the glass door, my dad in the other room and he was trying hard to wave at me…I waved too…

As I walked out, I could see my mom’s anxious face… looking for good news...and I burst into a scream…crying hard with joy and relief…As I hugged my mom…we both cried…and as I turned towards my uncle…for the first time the whole day…I saw my uncle, holding onto the handles of the chair and trying hard to control his tears…as I hugged him…he too cried inconsolably…It was tears of relief…and joy…I saw my aunt, immediately passing the information to my brother and husband…the corridor was filled with people who loved us...who loved my dad… That moment, I knew…All of them, was trying hard to support me and my family by not breaking down in front of us and scaring us more… But, now…we were celebrating…We all thanked god, for showing us the problem in the right time and giving us a chance to rectify…

Love you God… and thanks a lot for your care and blessings you showered upon my dad and us…
Love you my family…and thanks a lot for all your support and prayers…
Love you doctors…and thanks a lot for all the extra effort that you took to keep me consoled and informed…
Love you, you and you especially… for the concern filled calls and the consoling and the support and the prayers and the offers to help; physically, financially and mentally…

My dad would be right now sleeping safely in that ICCU…and soon I can meet him in the ward by tomorrow afternoon… My mom is right at the door steps of that ICCU, just in case he wants her in the night…But…

"Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it." I would never want to do that and today all I want to repeatedly say ...

My Heartfelt Thanks to you, you and you...

NB: What happened to my dad was…once he came for this vacation for my cousin’s marriage, as he climbed up and down the stairs (which never happened abroad – as he used the lift and had no Exercises at all)..he was experiencing a sort of uneasiness while breathing…As he said this to my aunt, she asked my dad to see a doctor who was a relative too…He doubted some problem and asked to do some blood reports and ECG…A variation in the ECG along with high Sugar and Cholesterol revealed a shocking truth…that my father had already had a Heart Attack…due the high Sugar level, it was never noticed…In Medical world, it is usually termed as Silent Attack … If at all, he hadn’t come for this vacation…he would have never had any exertion and wouldn’t have noticed such uneasiness and we would have never known that he was being silently attacked by dangerous blocks in his heart…

The Bow-Bow Lady...

OK OK…I AM LAZY…or rather OFF mood…or maybe LOST…or BLANK…uhmm… why simply beat around the bush…Let me just admit…I didn’t post any blog for an endless list of reasons which might not sound good enough for you…So I am just shutting myself up from trying to explain myself…Haa…afterall that was what I was told to…U DON’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS MUCH…Gosh, how can I be so…God Knows…

Things haven’t been too good at my end…After all those different ailments I had, I am now finally roaming around like ZOMBIE with a LONG BROAD NECK…haa..A collar..the last thing I wanted…and the first thing the doctor wanted…At times, I think, why do the doctors have to be so sweet, when they have different plans for the unlucky idiot sitting in front of him…In my case..Lemme change the Idiot part to Unlucky Innocent Young Sweetheart…hmmm..(coughing…I am sure, many of u want to, too…)

Ok, so, I have been having this pain behind my back…just below the neck and at different points where the arms intersect with my shoulder and the back…The positions are such strange places that my poor little hand could never reach those points to press or massage them myself…Naturally, I had to resort to every TOM, DICK & HARRY…bcoz the Shame (I should be having being a woman…) was much less compared to the Pain I have…rather the Attack of Pain…

People might frown or stare at me in disbelief when I ask the Philipino Colleague to just hit my back at that specific point…or when I ask any one of the random person passing by me in my office to just push their finger into my neck…Or when I leaned against the Tissue paper box kept behind my back...What to do, I couldn’t care less..bcoz the pain was and is that bad…even as I am jotting this down…my neck is killing me and how I wish I had somebody around me to hit me right now over there…They have all gone for a seminar…Why am I here…OH, missed telling u tht…I couldn’t go…BCOZZZZZZZZ….I am travelling today…heheh!!!To my Grandpa…that’s the happy part..Sad part is before I could open my eyes, I would be back here, sitting in front of this computer again…As I am going just for 4 days and that too to attend my first cousin’s marriage…So the trip is going to be hectic…hmmm…

So back to my Neck…So, this pain was hurting me once a while before..but from last 1-2 months, the frequency rose..and it so reached a point when I knew, I could take it NO MORE….I dashed into the Ortho department and put forward my case in a hope of having a miraculous quick recovery…After the Xray…the doctor confirmed something…hehe!!! I am a Girl who wouldn’t bend her Spines…grrr….All my life, I have heard people saying…Don’t bend your spine (when somebody behave too geeky…)…In my case, the issue was that the so called Cervical Spine which should be having a Curve, doesn’t have that natural curve and that along with my working style (on computers mostly)…contributed to inflammate the whole of my back in such intense manner that immediate Physiotherapy along with Pain Killers was the first set of treatment…

Physiotherapy sessions were cool…How I wished…I could buy one of those machines, which gave such relieving vibrations on the area that was hurting me…But unfortunately, my hope for a sudden magical disappearance of my pain didn’t happen…Thus after 2 weeks of physio, the doctor asked me sweetly, “Will it be OK for you to wear a collar…”…Proudly I said… “Collar…haa..people can see that right??? That’s a shame…NOOO…no need…”…Doctor replied… “OK…But u have to wear IT…” …I couldn’t believe it…I thought he was asking my permission…”But doctor…”….he didn’t let me finish the lines… “NO Buts, dear…wear it…and I advise that u remove it only while bathing and sleeping…Continue with painkillers and another set of physio …”

Grrr….The next working day, the Zombie entered the office…grrrr…I didn’t mind wearing it…but explaining it to others was hectic…I stopped myself from even walking to the Washroom, just in case another person decided to show their sympathy…Anyways, in between, the SELF-PROCLAIMED DOCTOR MIND in me, decided that I can survive even without the collar…SO I removed it…and the pain rouse again…Back to the doctor’s room I reached 6 days back…

This time, doctor was more worse…5 injections every alternate day…I had to show my back every alternate day to the Nurse for them to mercilessly inject those red coloured fluid into my back…IT IS PAINFUL…I am just done with the 3rd yesterday eve…and trust me, its not a good experience…Even the feeling of this fluid getting into ur body is as if a thousand needles being pricked into ur skin….I am surviving…Need to undergo an MRI scan too…the Insurance approval came in yesterday and happily, I dint get appointment for MRI…they are toooooo busy….uhm…As I am travelling, need to wait till I come back…and then again ask for a Re-Approval…grrr…

Trust me, friends…my hubby jokingly said.. (I do fear it seriously)…Next time, when the Insurance guys see my application for renewal, they are going to REJECT me…As they have had seen my name almost every month and should have byhearted my whole history by now…I am tooooooooo expensive for them…They might be still blaming their ill fate for providing me their insurance at the first place…But, really…THANK GOD…I AM INSURED…hehe!!

So, now you guys can understand me, right???…Why wasn’t I updating my blog…Its not easy to keep typing with this band around my neck…as if somebody is trying to squeeze air out of my lungs…Having food is worst…My imagination really goes wild with new ideas after this…I started imagining a ' Police Machine in my throat…which stops all sort of Food Items and then ask them…Pay your Toll amount and then proceed…they pay it and then find their way to my stomach'…Oh yes, I am not exaggerating..the collar really stopped the food at my throat and I could feel it move down slowly from there…and I hated it…So, I gave a slight change to the Doctor’s exception List…

“Remove it Whenever I feel like…” heheh!!!

Am I not coolllllll…??? Ohhhh, how I love my Intelligent Brain…

By the by, forgot to mention….I am giving rest to my collar buddy for the next five days…I wouldn’t want to spoil my Cool Cool Image when I am back home and Never when I am clad in the Sari and instead of Gold Jewellery walk around with the Neck Collar…I can imagine them imagining me to be _____in the collar...lol!!! What if they realise some similarity or even resemblance....NOOOO!!!! I cant risk earning a new nick name this time…

The Bow-Bow Lady…

Love You...

I wasn’t anywhere near the TV…not bcoz I was not a Cricket Maniac…but, I was scared…Lol…yes, I was scared, what IF I proved unlucky for India…I felt, Maybe IF I watch India might not win…Am I right or wrong, doesn’t matter any more…bcoz, India WON…Hurrayyyyyyyyy…Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…they won…Team India kissed the world cup earlier tonight on behalf of billions of Indians all around the world…All my love and respect going towards them…uhmm… Guess what, I am not a cricket craze…Still, I do understand how a match proceeds and all that…but then, just that, I would spare myself off the tension it can give me…I wouldn’t want to cut down 100 days off my life just by watching a match…Yeah, that’s what I believe…the tension that it creates in one’s mind just by viewing it at any point of time is sooo unimaginable that, I would prefer staying away from the TV then…lol…!!!

Would you believe if I said...

1. Mom and myself had to resort to some neighbors house during such important cricket matches…Just bcoz my dad felt, we might be unlucky for the team…and IF unfortunately we were inside our own homes, and IF India lost a wicket, when I was walking by or sneezing or laughing or eating or for that matter, doing anything…My dad would immediately scream at me saying… “BCOZ SHE DID THAT…WHAT MORE TO EXPECT…”…Dad was that big a superstitious person when a match happened…

2. My brother once stood in one position till the match finished, just bcoz he felt, India was taking off the opponents wickets when ever he stood so…hehe!!!

3. My brother made me say smthing against the opponent team, just bcoz that day he felt, what I said was happening…especially, the day when I asked him innocently…”WHAT IF A BOWLER GETS ALL WICKETS FOR HIMSELF…”…my brother ridiculed it wasn’t that easy and miraculously Kumble did it on the same day…I was thanked ..uhm…

4. No one ate dinner till a match was over…just bcoz, some felt, that eating might take off the luck…grrr..

5. A telephone ring was like an uninvited Earthquake…and whoever was the caller earned himself not so small a wrath…

Lol…maybe due all these experiences during childhood, made me have an aversion to watching cricket…But that never spoiled my spirit in wishing that Team India should win…Being an Indian, naturally, I always wished ONLY India should win…but then, bcoz I never showed it out…when India lost I just blamed my brother and father for watching the match and making them lose…hehee!!!! And if they won, I enjoyed with them watching the Prize distribution….lol!!!

This worldcup, even IF I dint watch a single match, my heart was trembling during the India-Pakistan SemiFinal…More like a war, the match was of great importance to both the countries, na…and this time my superstition too worked…I noticed, whenever I looked for the scores in my blackberry, India was taking off a wicket…So, seriously, I tried refreshing my Blackberry, just to see, if my Superstition was true…As I was busy in so many other things, I could get back to my BB only once a while..and I noticed, every time I refreshed their came a cheer from the Indian side…one more player being sent to the Gallery… When my hubby too noticed it, he even started saying, check ur BB…but then, I dint…During the last over, I went to watch it on the TV along with whole family...As I took my BB along with, I just felt like refreshing it…(Trust me, no other thoughts..India was already winning…)…Immediately my husband said…”Now, NO need…India is winning…”… but then…CRACKKKKKKKKKK….and it was an OUT….My husband was staring at me…India took the last wicket too…My husband joked, “IF they get U and ur blackberry they will throw u into an erupting Volcano…”…trueeeee….!!!

As for the Finals earlier today, my brother took an OFF from work, as he believed, India WON whenever he watched Cricket from home TV…My husband sacrificed food…I stayed inside my room without touching my BB (lol, what IF it was the other way round this time…)…Still, I had a shock when I changed the TV channel in my room to a channel which was showing LIVE scores…The moment I changed channel, India lost a wicket…grrr…that made me NOT even change the channel till the end…When my brother called me to watch the last overs…I screamed… “NOOOOOOO, LET INDIA WIN…I am scared…”…I heard my dad saying…”Ya, Ya…Don’t come…”…

As the game was approaching the last overs, I started grating the apples for an Apple Halwa…As I walked towards the kitchen, I saw…Even my mom who knew nothing of cricket….was watching the last over from her room TV….I was surprised… “MOM, U TOOO??? DO U KNOW ANYTHING OF CRICKET” …She replied… “Yes, I don’t know…still…Only 6 more runs needed…I am also getting tensed…So I am watching….”….LOL!!!!

By the time, I poured the grated Apple into the hot Pan…I heard my brother shout for me… "Didi, commmme….last ball….” …I ran to the hall room…and witnessed the glorious Sixer in our 42inch Plasma TV…Every single person in front of the TV stood up…not knowing, should we shout or scream…or cry…Then we all broke into a dance…a Mad Dance…. with my son running all around us…Yippeeeeeeeeee….

I could see nothing other than Team India…

I could hear nothing other than their screams…

I could feel nothing other than their Victory…Our Victory

Team India, We Love youuuu....Love you all for making us proud...

But I smelled something else…Eeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkk....

My Apple Halwaaaaaaaaa!!!

NB: After that, we took off in our 4WD for a city tour…the roads were mad with Indian drivers…with Indians…screaming and shouting and honking and what not…We too screamed at the top of our voice…CHAK DEEE INDIA….So many strangers were relatives then…everybody smiled and waved and showed Hurrayyyyy as we returned the gesture…My son was not behind either…It continued till the Police started blocking every exits and frantically issuing Traffic Fines…Uhmm…I am sure, the Police might have got a biggggg amount as Fines itself…

As for my Halwa, I could save it at the nick of the time…It came out well…Once we were back home from the drive, we sweetened our taste buds with my Halwa….Chak De Indiaaaaaaaaaaaaa….Love you, Team India...

Marriage...??? Naaah!!!

Marriage was not my priority, EVER…infact, I was against the idea of getting married, when I actually got married…Unlike other girls from my family, I wasn’t roaming around with the billboard saying “Looking for a Groom”… The dark situations that me and my family had to cross was the reason behind that…I wanted to financially settle before getting into any bondage of marriage…Even when I realized, I was loving somebody, I stopped myself…trying to think PRACTICALLY…I knew, it wasn’t something that my closed ones would be happy about…Moreover, marriages were expensive and I didn’t want any extra expense because of me for my family…

But for some strange reason…That February…my mother suddenly had this enlightening thought, that I was getting really old…and its time, they should think about my marriage…Not much questions were asked to me..as they knew, my answer would be NO to a marriage…(the financial burden a marriage could cause + my secret love for my LOVE was the reason behind…)…. Mom was not bothered, if I like it or not..she was having this dream of seeing her daughter going to Sasural…Thus, during that short trip to home country, my mother advertised in the local Newspapers “Seeking good alliance from NRI boys for an NRI girl”…

The response shocked me…the telephone never stayed on its cradle those days…continuously…I saw my mom writing down details of the caller and asking many of them to send their Horoscopes to check for proper Horoscope match…I just ignored the whole stuff…as I was hoping that nothing work out…infact I prayed for the same…Neither could I hurt my mom by showing out my displeasure, nor could I do anything to calm my heart…When I saw, that some of the horoscopes were matching too, I knew, trouble was not far away…I immediately booked my flight back claiming I had to get back to work immediately….

But, what should happen, should happen and would happen on the right time…I had to face it…Thus, the very next week of my return flight…the first GENTLEMAN came home…THE OFFICIAL Bride & Groom Meeting…Lets name him XX…I wasn’t asked by anyone for any opinion…I was just told Mr. XX is coming on Friday to see you…From tit bits of my mom’s conversation, I understood this guy is a General Manager at some company and is also pursuing his MBA from Australian University…I even got to see his picture…Gosh, the first statement that came to my mouth was…he looked like a WHITE COCKROACH….I immediately told mom…”NO, THIS GUY IS NOT FOR ME…"

He was handsome…very very fair…(hey, I am wheatish in complexion…and If I marry him, we would never be a good match to watch…He was not so tall in appearance…when I was real tall…he was more to the plumper side while I was the extreme Thin side…On the whole, I knew we were NOT A MATCH)…. To be frank, apart from the looks, I knew, be it him or anybody else…I might not be able to accept it with full heart…bcoz….

Anyways…finally…on Friday, Mr. XX came home, with his sister and family…(He had seen my picture and liked me too much…So if nothing else went wrong, this proposal could be fixed…) I sat in my room, till I was asked to go out and meet them…It was weird for me…As I was doing something completely against my wish…But, I couldn’t show my displeasure, bcoz that would hurt my family…I could hurt myself, but not them… I was asked to take him to my bedroom and have some talk….The only time, I might get to talk openly, before the elders decide what to be done…I made him sit on a Chair and I sat on the bed…facing each other…we started…rather he started…

Mr. XX – I am XX, working at XXX…U r working at ___ right???

Me – Yes…as a ____...

(Mr. XX continued with some Blah blah on himself and stuff…and finally shot the question I was waiting for…)

Mr.XX - Do you have anything to ask me or tell me…

Me - Yes…Let me be open…I really doesn’t wanna get married…But I am doing it for my parents…as they wanna see me married…But, there r some things u should know…My father had so many financial issues in the past and I decided to support him…So if I get married, I DON’T WANT my husband to stop me from doing the same…So, if I get married to you…I would expect, u should know this…

(and so I continued…clearly letting him know that I AM NOT READY FOR A MARRIAGE….)

He was taken aback, I knew from his face…(He was disappointed and depressed from what I knew, when his parents spoke to my family later)…He gave me a lecture on family and stuff…and tried putting some light into my head…into my disregard for marriage…He asked me to be Positive and hope everything will be alright with time…and so on….

Anyways…he left…and when I openly told my parents what I spoke to him, they knew, this marriage is not going to happen…What followed was a downpour...from all sides of my family...I wasnt physically abused...but that was all that was remaining...other than that, none of relatives lost a minute in scolding me for my Loose Talk...I felt sad, when I realised none really wanted to understand me or...My mom knew me, but she knew, she wouldnt be able to help...

What ever...still I knew it...I won…I won the first battle...I was victorious in chasing out the prospective groom...My family still jokingly say...not even a grass would grow on the road through where that Boy ran....I had scared him that horribly...lol!!!What ever...I was happy...I won....

BUT…

It was Urgent...

We are the favourite - official Tour Operators for any relatives who make a visit to this country…Its been always so…Thanks to my hubby who loved to drive his 4wd…So it was easy…Anybody who landed at the airport expected that we would be there to take them around…atleast, somewhere…and before they even thought, we were READY…This time it was my mom’s cousin…She came to visit her daughter and family…Due some strange reasons, all she did was sit at home…

Naturally, my mom, felt bad…after coming here..to this City of Dreams, still if she go back without a decent Sight-seeing…that was silly and bad…Thus, Aunt S was invited home to stay for 2 days…and we promised ourselves, that we shall take her around…and show her some glimpses of this city…We DID fulfill our promise too…but still there was so much to see and so very little time in hand…days were so near to her departure date…back to home country…We felt bad again…ha, she hasn’t yet seen many of the beautiful shopping malls…Finally, I and hubby decided to take one day leave from work and take her for a quick Shopping Mall cum City Tour which also included a Metro and Mono Rail Ride…

As luck would have it…I fell terribly sick on the same day…I had to leave the Sight-Seeing group at one of the malls to rush to the doctor, all by myself in the car…So the plan was…they would take the Metro to the next mall and wait for me there…I happily went to the doctor…got checked and found the problem…happily took the prescription for medicines from him and drove to the mall…As I approached the Mall parking, I telephoned the gang which comprised of my mom, hubby and aunt…and informed them of the Parking Level where they could find me…

It was mid afternoon…the sun was too strong, that I almost wished if I had a Sunglass ON…It was at that moment…Suddenly, out of no where…there it came…the unexplainable…un controllable…feeling…What to do…I was in a dilemma…I knew, who to be blamed - the infection and the medicines ...I couldn’t stay a minute more in that car…I parked the car in a jiffy and rushed towards the mall in look out for the nearest Toilet…

The mall’s temperature was sooting…but, my eyes took some time to adjust…haaa…from the Hot bright sun to the Cold Normal-lit Mall…an envelope of blindness rushed into my eyes and head…but I had no time to stay back to adjust myself…I had to rush…the urge was kicking me from behind…From the 3rd floor I rushed to the 2nd floor…and looked just around the Exit gate and found the Toilet signboard to the left…I ran around the Escalators and reached the entrance of the Toilets…I saw the Gents toilet signboard to the left side and a Handicapped toilet signboard for ladies to the right…

I dint have any more patience to find the Normal Entrance for the Ladies Toilet….I rushed in…banged the door close…threw away my purse into door’s latch and proceeded to the Toilet…Once I was out of the Loo, I looked around to admire a Handicap Toilet…Oh, its soo clean and beautiful…and spacious…not like those narrow toilets that we otherwise used…It also had Mirrors, Wash Basins and what not…Wow…this is cool..if only I had a crutches, I could use this one every time..I wondered….

As I was getting fascinated with the toilet, I heard my mom and aunt’s voice outside the toilet door…I could hear them asking somebody where was the Ladies Toilet…Ah, so I don’t have to go around looking for them..they are right there…I got out immediately and found that aunt was in a hurry to get into the washroom…They were also surprised to see me coming out of the toilet…I exclaimed, “Hey Aunt, u can use this..only issue is..this is actually meant for Handicapped”…After a few moments’ thought, Mom declared…NO, it’s a shame..we will go to the other side of the escalator to the Ladies Toilet..and they left the scene…

As I was walking out, I saw my husband sitting in a bench below the escalators…He had one of those grumpy looks in his face…As I walked towards him…He showed face as if to say “Aren’t u ashamed of yourself…”…Ha…so he was not so happy that I used the Handicap Toilet…I was a bit irritated…here, I was suffering from severe infection and was literally rushing off to get into a toilet…and there, hes acting so insensitive…How mean…As I walked towards him, in an authoritative tone, I assured…

“So what…I really had no time to get into the normal one…and there was nobody waiting here also…So what, if it is for Handicap…”

He said…”Have some Shame…People were staring at you…”

As I answered, I took my seat near him facing the toilets…”Ohh, let people stare, they should understand, it was that urgggggg….”

That was the moment, I noticed the signboard….What were the emotions that came on my face at that moment, even I cant explain now…But my husband understood that I hadn’t seen what he had already seen….

I almost wished, if I could melt into thin air…as I unbelievingly stared at the signboard again to confirm…that it was ..

The Toilet for Handicapped Men….


NB: Maybe my urgency to get into the toilet or maybe my dazed eyes as I came in from the hot sun made me not actually realize it was the Gents Toilet….Or maybe seeing the Gents toilet to the left, I might have assumed that it SHOULD be Ladies Toilet to the right…WHATEVER, all I could do after that was…DISAPPEAR….as my husband was all set to send a FLASH NEWS to all friends and relatives …