Since the last 'gone-wrong conversation';
mind has been restless. I knew, it was already late…too late to have that open
talk with mom. Knowing clearly, how she would react, always kept me from making
her a confidante in my life. Her views were always based on “TRADITION,
CULTURE, SOCIETY” and it never matched my outlook on life. She would go
hysteric on hearing anything that was against what the usual “EXPECTED” society
made norms. This made me apprehensive to be open to her on my most personal
feelings – be it joy or sorrow.
Today, I purposefully, took one
day annual leave; to talk to her. Rather, open up to her and try to make her
realise what was I going through and why this idea of “Lone Trip” was in my
agenda. The past nights were restless as I was repeatedly, planning, scripting,
rehearsing the moment when I would TRY opening up to her.
As luck could have it, brother too
was at home. Completely wrong day… I was so hoping to be alone when I start
this conversation. Thus I waited until afternoon, to finally find my mom alone
in her room. I went inside, “Amma, I need to talk to you…”. As expected, her
face changed to one with ‘worry’. She was already getting into a hyper mode, I
knew it.
As I continued, “Amma, please don’t
take this conversation on a Society perspective and try to see it as your
daughter’s feelings. I really want to talk to you. I AM NOT HAPPY.
SILENCE… as stupid can I be, tears
started overflowing my eyes and I was choking with pressure within…
"Amma, all that discussion on the
trip. You should try to understand, why am I being so….”
Stopped short, not
due tears, but mom had already started off. She was outpouring all her anger on
the last conversation and HOW SHE CANT LET A GIRL GO ALONE ON A TRIP and HOW IT
IS NOT ACCEPTED IN SOCIETY etc etc etc…She was so outrageous as she was
shouting on my audacity to expect to do such a trip and I could clearly see
that she saw nothing else over that conversation…She didn’t see my tears, she didn’t
see that I was trying to break open a barrier that was always between us… She
saw nothing…
Her loud voice had invited brother’s
attention and he too entered the scene. Now, this was something I never wanted
as he started asking worriedly on what was happening. I rose from my seat and
as I dashed out, “Amma, THIS IS WHY… I could never be open to you. You always
complained that I wasn’t being open to you. Now, you saw? You want a daughter
who always smiles and be happy in front of u. All my life, I had done that. I
have accepted everything for the sake of you and dad, be it was against my own
happiness or wishes. You are fine, as you feel that wud keep me happy. But NO.
For once, today, I tried to finally tell you, how unhappy I am in my life and
how serious is my personal life… I begged to u to look at it as a mother to a
daughter and not thru the society’s eyes. BUT… Sorry, I made this mistake of
trying to talk to you. U will be happy with the charade I have been putting on
all these years. I will…hence forth too. As long as I can, I will. But
remember, ONE DAY, I will reach my limits and, that day, don’t be sad or blame
me for what happens…”
For me, it was as if WHERE DID I
GO WRONG…Through my room’s closed door, I could hear, brother talking to mom on
why she reacted so when I had to share something…etc etc. Maybe he felt, I was serious. I didn’t wanted
to hear anything. But… soon I found amma sitting by my side with her head bowed
down… I could see that she was hurt and feeling sorry...She wanted to know what was the issue and am I ok...
I had nothing to say…Afterall,
what could I say…how could I explain…All the courage, the rehearsals and days
long planning was not helping me anymore. I was blank… With tears, I could just
say…
I am not OK…
