Please god, please help…

I am strong…I was strong and I will be strong…but…

I feel weak today…helpless, desperate and depressed. How I wish, I could change myself and get back to the strong me…How I wish I could hold my tears back and have my smile back…How I wish I could make myself to move out of my shell and go and embrace my weakness… But, No…I am not able to do any of this…Thru night and morning, I have been dragging myself thru this trauma of not facing the reality… I couldn’t even imagine the moment when my fears might come true…

I know; as years pass by, I should be prepared to accept the universal truth that “One day, all of us should leave…”… I remember myself praying selfishly to let me leave first before those I love. I feel I will not be able to face those moments...Especially, the past year has been playing games with me and I have cultivated (yes, I used the right word as I was doing nothing to fight my fear but kept growing it within me) this depressing thoughts in me that is taking a troll in my mind. Every now and then, I think of those fears and ends up going weak and crying.

I knew, it is stupid of me when I cry out thinking of the moment when I would yearn for those favourite dishes made by my mom and WHAT IF she is no longer around to make them for me… WHAT IF I would feel like seeing her and will not be able to “ever”… WHAT IF I want to apologise to my dad for all those fights we do, be it for my love and concern for him and I can’t do it… WHAT IF I want to hug my Appups and get pampered by him like always and will not even able to meet him again.

Ok, I am going crazy or maybe I am crazy. This is not me, the usual me never used to do this. This realisation is what made me think of taking a break and go off on a trip all alone. I wanted to just be somewhere, where I was alone to put down all my fears, fight them myself and come back strong. The decision was very strong and I had fixed in my mind that nothing or none can change my decision to do this solitary trip… but….

Time…Time can change anything, any decisions… I had to cancel my trip and once again facing my fear…I have once mentioned about my Appups and how closely bond I am with him…Every passing years, only have strengthened the intensity of our closeness…But now, back home, he is going thru tough time…Its tough for him, I know, bcoz of his helplessness that he is not able to do anything to relieve his kids’ tension and sorrow. As kids, be it his own children or grandchildren, we are all praying every moment that his health gets better and the fears of the diagnosis of what the illness cud be should not come true.

Someone who never ever been to a hospital bed is now in the hospital bed all tired and weak… I cant even bear to think of him in that way… Far away, in this place, I am going weak thinking of the worst. The more optimistic I am trying to be, the more weaker my fears are making me…I so much want to see him and hug him hard. But I fear, I might not be able to control my emotions in front of him.

Instead, I am trying to run away from the thoughts. I want to think that he is absolutely fine there and while I to keep myself soooo busy that I wouldn't get a chance to think…think of him. I have cried and screamed all alone to vent off the pressure that is building up within me. I walked in the hot sun. Killed myself in the gym and trying to sleep without any dreams or thoughts. Trying to laugh, smile, joke, have fun, eat nonstop to forget thinking of anything else. Avoiding all discussions on the subject and instead find other stupid topics to talk to my friends and if possible get into arguments that could frustrate me….

But, I need to make a decision now… Should I go to him? Do I want to be with him now and be it for better or worse, just be with him… Or do I want to just treasure his good old Super Daddy memories to stay fresh always in my thoughts… if I see him in this weak condition, wouldn’t that torture me all my life? I don’t know, I seriously don’t know…I am going so weak that I am not able to make a decision. Inspite of so much wanting to see him, I am not able to book my tickets and fly off to him…I know, if anybody can help, its me who should help myself to be strong... But, I am not able to do my bit, so I want god to help me out…Give me the strength to fight this battle...Take off all his illness and make him healthy forever…pleaseeeeee…

Please god, please help…