Be Strong and happy…

His phone calls are always filled with love and care. Something, that I rarely get to experience. Not that I don’t have anybody to love me. But yes, there was not much who expressed their love to me and made me feel loved and wanted. This was an inferiority complex I grew up with… NOBODY loves me… I never could understand the love behind the inexpressive love that might have enveloping me as I was growing up… I was and is still an immature woman…

 

Grandpa’s love was a late realisation. I started seeing and feeling it as I grew up above my teenage. But the bond that was built between us in the past years have been immense. I couldn’t imagine anything negative happening to him… The past couple of months was traumatic for me with his sudden illness. Hearing his tired voice was not something I was ready to accept.  But since, the last procedure that was done to diagnose his illness; an unknown strength was helping me…

 

Of all the children or grandchildren or for that matter anybody; last week, he asked for me… He was at the hospital for the routine doctor checkup when I called and mom mentioned that grandpa was enquiring when would I be visiting him.

 

“Appuppa, how are you???”

“Molu, when are you coming? Are you not coming? Will you not get leave? You have too much work, uh! Its ok.”, he said all this without a break.

“Appuppa, you want to see me?”

“Ofcourse, I want.”

“If you wish so, next moment I will fly down. But promise me, you would be all well by then…”

“Molu, I too wish to…but I am too tired…”

“Don’t worry, appuppa. All will be fine. I will come soon. Love you…”

 

Next day, I was near his bed watching him sleeping. Tears rolled down as I saw him almost half the size of what I had seen just 2 months back. He looked so tired with so much weight loss. A very energetic and fun-loving man he was and here now, I could see NO emotions on his face…

 

I spent every possible time with him, by him… Lying down in his lap and as always he would massage my hair… Occassionally, pulling my ear, made me feel his love. In the whole week; I saw a natural smile just couple of times only. He always seemed to be lost and blank. When I asked him to smile, he did; all other times, he just kept on thinking. He would hug me, kiss me; but still seemed to be lost in thoughts.

 

A day before I flew back; as I was lying down beside him in his single cot bed, I spoke to him of my fear…

 

“Appupa, you are my strength. Don’t break it. You are the reason for me coming to India. Please get well soon.”

“Don’t worry molu. I am fine. You be strong and always be happy. I just need to regain my leg’s strength. Then I will be fine.”

He hugged me hard and kissed me. He was helpless too; but I was more helpless. By then, he had successfully faced one session of Chemo. There was positive changes in him and that was my courage. As always, he was a good sport when I asked him to pose for all sort of crazy selfies that I clicked with him.

 

Today, I flew back home. As I was leaving, I hugged him hard and reminded him of his promise to me, “To always eat one extra morsel of food for me, whenever he feels his stomach is full”. He in turn reminded me, “Don’t worry about me, I will be fine. You be strong and always happy”…

 

Now, I am waiting for him to be all well soon. He was to visit us for my niece's b'day next month. But, now I have to wait until December for his trip. He has promised me that too. That he will postpone his trip to my place to December, by when he would be absolutely hale and healthy. I believe him. He will be fine. He will keep his promise for me…and until I see him next, I should keep mine too…

 

Be Strong and happy…

Live my dream...

Far away the red ball was slowly dipping into the hazy line of mystery…the view was scenic with the clouds slowly drifting apart to bring out the beauty of the scene that was being viewed…It could be miles and miles away…yet everything seems so close by. Just as if with one hand you can grab it in and hug it close to your heart…

Below me was the slippery sand…deep and dry; yet soothing…with a warmth of mother earth, I was sitting with my legs stretched in front of me as if to rest for ever…The tired feet felt warm with the massage of the blowing breeze as if to take off all its pressure… Think, I was worried of the sand getting into my clothes…but an assurance that nothing wud happen made me feel at ease…

All around was just ‘nothing’…Nothing but the dunes… an envelope that covered me from the outer world… a hideout, a safe place to be…without being seen by any intruder’s eye…I could now feel Magic…magic all around…and what was the magic all about…Was it the blazing sun…or the beautiful earth… or the blowing wind…

No…the magic was not in any of them…this time, it was something else. What was it that I was leaning to? What was it that made me feel not alone? What was it that was spelling out the magical feel?

As I sat there on the warm ground leaning against his chest, watching the beautiful sunset far away …His arms around me holding me close to his heart…As his cold breath tickled my ears, occasionally moving my hair away…his lips caressed my neck . I snuggled closer to him like a baby to its mother’s chest. Wanting to have more of his warmth and care… Wishing with every passing seconds for the time clock to just stop ticking…Wishing that if this moment never had to end.

Living the dreams was something I could never imagine…Slowly I could hear me whisper, “Will we ever live these dreams in real”… He playfully said, “No…”… He was joking, I knew. But…Is that a truth that I tend to keep aside? Is that the reality that I ignore? Is that the wish that never would happen? Is this a dream that never would come true? I don’t know. I could see myself irritated. But the moment’s magic washed away all the negativity. Now, that I was in my dream, I just wanted to live the dream…just live…

Live my dream…

With a smile…

I don’t know how I survived the moments of uncertainty. When my whole family was going through the fear of losing our most favourite… I was trying to normalise myself. Was wondering should I go to the disco or the movies, take a massage or a spa… I had to do something to take my mind off what was bothering me. I very well realise that it was running away. Running away from the reality and it was clearly not me.

Today was extremely crucial day for all of us. With a weak body but a smiling face, my appups was all set for the test. The doctors had different opinion on if it should be done. Two options were to either go ahead and take the risk and try to find out what is it that is destroying his health day by day or just keep experimenting with every medicines without knowing what are you trying to treat. The family decided to take the risk… I cried when my aunt revealed to me on the phone, “Baby, we should take this risk. This person who is here now, is not our Daddy. And we wont be able to see our daddy like this”...

I had finally decided to face the reality. But wanted to wait for some more time so that I don’t end up weakening others around me. With prayers, I woke up and decided to spend the day with prayers as I knew only god could help me now; help us…As my appups was the Strength of our family. He was the pillar of the strong bond that we share with each other and we were facing something that none of us ever wanted to…Every phone calls, gave a shiver within me. Not knowing who the call was from or what news they had to share.

Finally; the wait ended and the phone rang with the news. The test was successfully completed and we have to wait for the results now. My appups came thru the procedure strongly and he wanted to hear our voice. He sounded weak and tired; but he was trying hard to sound jovial as always. Again, I was admiring his ability to bring a smile in all our face even during the most difficult times. This is what I had to learn from him.

Life is filled with joys and sorrows, ups and downs, happy and sad days. We need to face many harsh realities that we might never would love to face. Accept them. Face them. Fight them…

With a smile…

Please god, please help…

I am strong…I was strong and I will be strong…but…

I feel weak today…helpless, desperate and depressed. How I wish, I could change myself and get back to the strong me…How I wish I could hold my tears back and have my smile back…How I wish I could make myself to move out of my shell and go and embrace my weakness… But, No…I am not able to do any of this…Thru night and morning, I have been dragging myself thru this trauma of not facing the reality… I couldn’t even imagine the moment when my fears might come true…

I know; as years pass by, I should be prepared to accept the universal truth that “One day, all of us should leave…”… I remember myself praying selfishly to let me leave first before those I love. I feel I will not be able to face those moments...Especially, the past year has been playing games with me and I have cultivated (yes, I used the right word as I was doing nothing to fight my fear but kept growing it within me) this depressing thoughts in me that is taking a troll in my mind. Every now and then, I think of those fears and ends up going weak and crying.

I knew, it is stupid of me when I cry out thinking of the moment when I would yearn for those favourite dishes made by my mom and WHAT IF she is no longer around to make them for me… WHAT IF I would feel like seeing her and will not be able to “ever”… WHAT IF I want to apologise to my dad for all those fights we do, be it for my love and concern for him and I can’t do it… WHAT IF I want to hug my Appups and get pampered by him like always and will not even able to meet him again.

Ok, I am going crazy or maybe I am crazy. This is not me, the usual me never used to do this. This realisation is what made me think of taking a break and go off on a trip all alone. I wanted to just be somewhere, where I was alone to put down all my fears, fight them myself and come back strong. The decision was very strong and I had fixed in my mind that nothing or none can change my decision to do this solitary trip… but….

Time…Time can change anything, any decisions… I had to cancel my trip and once again facing my fear…I have once mentioned about my Appups and how closely bond I am with him…Every passing years, only have strengthened the intensity of our closeness…But now, back home, he is going thru tough time…Its tough for him, I know, bcoz of his helplessness that he is not able to do anything to relieve his kids’ tension and sorrow. As kids, be it his own children or grandchildren, we are all praying every moment that his health gets better and the fears of the diagnosis of what the illness cud be should not come true.

Someone who never ever been to a hospital bed is now in the hospital bed all tired and weak… I cant even bear to think of him in that way… Far away, in this place, I am going weak thinking of the worst. The more optimistic I am trying to be, the more weaker my fears are making me…I so much want to see him and hug him hard. But I fear, I might not be able to control my emotions in front of him.

Instead, I am trying to run away from the thoughts. I want to think that he is absolutely fine there and while I to keep myself soooo busy that I wouldn't get a chance to think…think of him. I have cried and screamed all alone to vent off the pressure that is building up within me. I walked in the hot sun. Killed myself in the gym and trying to sleep without any dreams or thoughts. Trying to laugh, smile, joke, have fun, eat nonstop to forget thinking of anything else. Avoiding all discussions on the subject and instead find other stupid topics to talk to my friends and if possible get into arguments that could frustrate me….

But, I need to make a decision now… Should I go to him? Do I want to be with him now and be it for better or worse, just be with him… Or do I want to just treasure his good old Super Daddy memories to stay fresh always in my thoughts… if I see him in this weak condition, wouldn’t that torture me all my life? I don’t know, I seriously don’t know…I am going so weak that I am not able to make a decision. Inspite of so much wanting to see him, I am not able to book my tickets and fly off to him…I know, if anybody can help, its me who should help myself to be strong... But, I am not able to do my bit, so I want god to help me out…Give me the strength to fight this battle...Take off all his illness and make him healthy forever…pleaseeeeee…

Please god, please help…

How I wish...

Oh, My heart is off on a journey…

To the land of mountains high,

As it trails the winding roads;

How I wish I was striding along…

As it swiftly pass by the scene…

Was it the ferny trees up the hill,

Drenching my eyes with lush green;

How I wish I was striding along…

As it slowly wanders around…

Was it the blue water down the hill,

Filling me with the sweet sound;

How I wish I was striding along…

As it calmly float by the view…

Was it the wind above the hill,

Chilling me with the icy strew;

How I wish I was striding along…

Oh, my heart is off on a journey…

Without me, it traversed all along,

Whispering to my soul, “Follow me”;

How I wish I was striding along…

For her decision…

She was not sure what to do… Did she need help, she didn’t know. She had no options…rather she had options, but not the strength to choose the right one. Was she worried? Was she Upset? Was she miserable? What was it that was doing the rounds inside her thoughts, she couldn’t guess. Were these thoughts worth anything? She knew nothing, she felt…

Slowly, she tried calming herself. Her soul was trying to rest while her mind worked hard. She knew, this was not the time to be confused, but to make a decision… And, once a decision was made, she wouldn’t be able to do a rewind. Hence, whatever choice she selected, she had to be sure that it was fool proof. As it involved many lives…

Strange, she decided to go with none of the options that she was offered. Not that she didn’t believe in those options. But, something in her, made her feel that if she was to choose from one of the proposed option, it would have involved a huge change in somebody else’s life. And at this point, she didn’t wanted to jeopardise it…She felt, it would be wrong to the other… Frankly, she very well knew that the way she was perceiving the impact of the options were wrong. If discussed with the other, it would be discarded or ridiculed as STUPIDITY…

But, then…she grew up with loads of insecurity and above that with an enormous bunch of Ego and Complex. Her egoistic mind didn’t let her to make a choice where she would have had to pressurise someone to accept a choice for her sake. She felt, the foundation for any such decision should never be a helplessness. She felt, such decisions, If not Today, someday would bring regrets…Literally, “She didn’t want a Dead End to be reason to take a detour”…

An unusual calmness started enveloping her… She was reaching to a conclusion…she was almost clear on what she should do. She knew, if the other knew, what was going thru her mind, she might get thrashed down…She felt sorry for doing this…But, then afterall, it was all for love…love for her ‘life’….she could never do anything to tie her life down…to anything.

She walked in with no more confusions…With a strong mind, she finalised it…The determined heart said she was right…And she was going for it…

For her decision…