My TTDBIS List...

Now a days, I am being too much of a follower of fellow bloggers…uhm, somehow, I end up connecting myself with the posts these blog friends of mine post after much thoughts…Thanks to their creative thinking, that it saves me from thinking hard for a topic… Trust me, whenever I read through many blogs, I feel, “Gosh, I have so much to say about this one thing about my life too”…But then, I feel guilty… I used to feel, that is not right, taking up somebody else’s topics….But then, now I feel…Why not…I am not copying their post…I am just talking on the Subject matter…like a Critic…who criticize or express their views on anything and everything that is not of their concern, lol!!!….So friends, if you get irritated seeing ur Subject in my blogs, apologies in advance…

Last time, Tomz helped me…and this time…Thanks to Bikram…I hope, all you guys continue working on those thinking caps and help me get a topic for my blog…So, this time Bikram suddenly thought of WHAT HIS BUCKET LIST WOULD BE if he had no more time to live…if his days were counted…and as I read them, I started wondering myself…What would be mine…How long could it be…and if it was really the case in reality for me…IF I was to die soon and I was adamant to fulfill my last wishes…how many of my wishes would really be fulfilled or COULD be fulfilled…

It wasn’t just few weeks back, that I had this sudden feeling that maybe indeed I am dying… It all started when the doctor asked me to do a test to rule out the chances of a Cancer for my sickness…Gosh, trust me, I was blank…worse was my family…and Google just worsened the situation…as I googled for symptoms, it matched most of the issues I had…I suddenly thought…Am I a Cancer patient…I was a Cancerian by birth, but couldn’t imagine myself as a Cancer patient..lol!!! But then, honestly, I also was surprised to see how calm I was…When my family was busy bribing all Gods for the test results to be normal…I was wondering, WHAT IF I WAS TO DIE SOON???

One day, when I was driving home with my hubby…I asked him… “What IF…” He was irritated with my question which was being shot at him every now and then…He said…SHUT UP…I said… “No, I am asking seriously…just in case…”…He replied that he didn’t know…I joked, ha..then u can marry someone whom ur mother prefer….Joke for me…NOT FOR HIM…His face just ignored me…and my dirty joke…So I continued thinking…and wondered…what were my TTDBIS – Things to do before I sleep…

TTDBIS 1

Make a list of people who should be informed of my death…I have some dear ones who are not known to my hubby or maybe not in touch now…So I thought, I should keep that list ready, so that it was easy for my husband to inform them…as I knew, such a news would make a difference to my dear ones’ life…

TTDBIS 2

Make a detailed report of those secret savings I have on my son’s name…I wouldn’t want my son to not receive them, just because nobody knew about such a thing…Eventhough, I didn’t reveal to my hubby what and where and how much…(lol, as for now, it’s a secret…else what fun in the surprise later)…I told him, “U should take care of it…”..Have to also decide on what to be done with my Gold Jewellery...(ofcourse, I am not planning to give it off to my husband's second wife, hehe!!!) Even had to clearly note down what to be done with my precious treasure...like my collection of greeting cards, gifts, chocolate wrappers, books, old diaries...

TTDBIS 3

Take a promise from hubby dear, that my son would be allowed to grow up with my mom…As both he and I know; nobody else could take care of my son as my mother could / would…

TTDBIS 4

By hook or by crook, do something to own a house (how much ever small it is…) and later present it to my mom…A house of our own is my mom’s dream…Afterall, we lost ours during hard times…and I could do nothing till date...

TTDBIS 5

Pack my bags and travel all ALONE atleast for 2 days… …rather…explore any place where NO ONE KNOW ME…and enjoy my indepenence...

TTDBIS 6

Buy gifts for all my loved ones…Gifts that would remind them of me even when I am not there…

TTDBIS 7

Speak out my heart openly to all my loved ones…all the bad things and the good things…

TTDBIS 8

Reveal to my family and friends that I HAVE A BLOG where I write crap….lol!!! (trust me, its among the wish list…I don’t think I can tell them before that…)…OH yes, forgot…I would also reveal in my blog WHO AM I and post some pictures of myself…

TTDBIS 9

I would write lots of letters for my son…Everything that I wanted to share with him as he grow up…My fears, my dreams, my losses, my gains, my strengths…if not anything…I would surely write everything about my Lost Love…something his father know, but might never share with him… The love that his mother has fakely reshaped into “friendship” and lived through… I want my son to know about that Man I loved and lost…I want my son to be friends with that Man and be with him too as he be with his own father…(ok, now this might sound crazy and stupid…but it’s the truth…)

TTDBIS 10 - Last but not the least….rather the most “difficult to happen” wish…

“Live a day” with the one I loved…better is Love…Bcoz I know, years may pass…my love for him or his love for me…shall never die…Be, life had different plans for both of us and we had to take different paths in our life…I want to spend atleast one day with him…Enjoy things that I always wished for…A Music filled home…Cook for each other…Long drive…Sunset in the Desert…I know, I might not have time to Travel around as he has always wished…But atleast just get into the aircraft and say Goodbye…

I am not sure, how many of you would approve of my TTDBIS list…I know, some of them, especially the last one sound weird and crazy and maybe an Anti-Traditional wish…But then, what to do…its my wish…I have hundreds of wishes that is in my heart today…Like travel and see beautiful places, own some expensive stuffs, enjoy some adventurous sports etc etc etc….but none of them are that important for me, as important as the above list…bcoz these are all worldly physical wishes…but when I am counting my days in this world…I prefer those wishes to top my list that are from my heart and in thought of my loved ones…

So, are you thinking now…are you wondering too…about that list…your own TTDBIS…

Things to do before I sleep…

NB: Ok guys, anyways...I am not going to die soon...as my results were Normal...But, if I am to die soon, for sure, I dont want this to be known by anyone else other than me...I hate seeing pain and tears in my loved ones eyes...At times, I wonder...maybe my 10th wish could also help me in one thing...maybe that would help my family to hate me and that would make my departure more easier and comfortable...for me...As for my Love, I could always give him only pain...may this be the last one...

Do you know him..???

Happened to pass by a new blog…Ok, now I have to admit, today was not a busy day at work…I had some free time and so naturally, I started going through blogs..and reached this new blog…He was sincerely describing some pathetic situations he had faced where he ended up being the laughing stalk of Colleague’s jokes…Now…that’s not uncommon…Natural, right…uhmm..atleast for me…IT WAS…

Fate took me to the Airport to work as a Ground Handling Agent for the International Airport in this country…woahhh…From the Ground Handling Agent's Uniform I grew to a prestigious Airline's high profile Uniform...was actually, in literal meaning, adopted by one of the European Airlines Group…Thus I reached their office…I was the only Asian “Girl”…rest of them were all Men or else Europeans…Naturally, the Indian Men had finally GOT someone to Target their jokes / pranks…I being a very NICE girl…the word NICE inside quotations…very often ended up wondering, why rest of them were laughing…while I never understood the joke…hehe!!!It was majorly attributed to my ignorance of the different SLANG Words used in Hindi language…especially words those had dirty or double meanings…grrrr…When they talked and laughed loud on such double meaning jokes, I would innocently look at their face…trying to understand head or tail of what they meant…and my Face made them laugh more…Oh, gosh…

Days passed…I was slowly but happily learning to interpret their jokes…Even if I was still innocent enough not to contribute, atleast I could share their laughs…At times, when I got stuck somewhere, I would use my charm, so that one of my colleague would explain to me Secretly what it meant….hehe!!! Each one helped me without others knowing…So, I was learning…The process was really difficult, friends…but still adventurous… and above all, filled with numerous EMBARASSING MOMENTS… If I start telling each one, I might need to publish a Novel on it…hehe!!! But this one below, I can’t help sharing…

One fine night (Ok, I had night shifts as the Departure time for the flight was something after midnight…)…I walked into the Office for the Pre-Flight preparations…and there, on the board was a big warning PRINT OUT…with the name of a passenger and his flight details. Usually, we very often get Security warning for some passengers who might have similar names to FBI Watchlist people. Such passenger’s passports are crosschecked and only after thorough Security checks they are allowed to board the aircraft…Normally, when I do my Pre-flight preparations I make a list of such possible Watch Lists on that day’s flight and keep it ready myself. But then, that night, I wondered, how come, and why such big Warning to be displayed…

As soon as, I started doing my work, came in the Duty Officer…He was like extremely serious..and said… “Dear, did u see that…He is Mr. Jones XXXX …He is flying in tonight’s flight…For no reason, he should be allowed to fly without you making a thorough check…He is extremely dangerous…You see, by hook or by crook, tonight you should hold Mr. XXXX at the check-in counters…” ….I could see that extra seriousness on his face and complete silence around me…All the other staffs were seriously listening to our conversation and was exclaiming “Oh..Mr. XXXX …God, hes travelling???”…” XXXX in our flight, very dangerous” etc etc… I wasn’t sure, but I felt freaked out…I could see some of them whispering and laughing on something…I sensed something wrong somewhere…but what??? NO IDEA…

Check-in counters opened 3 hours before departure time…I was waiting anxiously at the counters…to “CATCH” this so called Mr. XXXX….The Walkie-Talkie in my hand was busy that night…

“Calling Jzt…Calling Jzt…Location???”
“Check-in Counters. Over”
“Jzt, Have you got the passenger? Over”
“Negative, passenger still not reported. Over”
“Ok, Be on Alert. Report immediately. Over and Out”

Not one or two times…literally every 10 minutes one person or other made this Walkie Call for Mr. XXXX…I was almost out of my head by then…I knew, there was something that I was not missing…I could sense a hidden laughter in each of those calls…I felt, there was some big funny stuff in the entire issue…but what…grrr…I hated it…I had all sorts of weird thoughts…Maybe the Passenger is some world famous GAY…maybe he is some girl, whose name was of a man…Maybe, he was some Senior Staff of the Airlines from the Base station…I couldn’t wait longer…I couldn’t wait for the passenger anymore…

Walkie calls continued…Everybody who was listening to the conversation knew, I was getting desperate and freaked out…I sounded pathetic…It was then, I got a call on my mobile, from our Station Manager…He happened to be at office…One of the walkie which was in the office was screaming out in the loud speaker mode all these Public calls my colleagues were making to me…(Means, when they call me on Public Line, every single person holding the walkie could hear the other’s conversation…So if one message needed to be send to 3 people at 3 different location, we just had to make a single Public call…) So, my manager who heard the funny communications, couldn’t hold on any longer…and he had called me to rescue me…

“Jzt, What is happening?”
“I don’t know…Some passenger in Watchlist…unusually everybody is making big fuss…I was just worried…”
“Jzt, Don’t you speak Hindi…”
“Yes, I do…But why…This passenger is a British”
“If you understand Hindi, then what is the issue…They are just making fun of you…with the Passenger’s name”
“What…What is there is his name to make fun of me…”
“Oh, Jzt, what is that guy’s name…”
“Its Mr. Jones XXXX”
“And…?”
“And what…”
“You don’t know the meaning of XXXX??? !!!!”
“NOOOOO!!! ????”
“God, you are hopeless…I can’t explain any better… Please don’t ask anybody else… Ask any of your close friends…Bye…”

Grrr….I was lost…Now I knew, it was all a big prank…but I was still not getting the “Butt of the Joke..” … It was almost nearing midnight…and this hour of the night, which friend could I call…But I couldn’t bear it anymore…I had to know it…Finally…I called a good friend…grrr…and as soon as I heard his sleepy voice at the other end…I asked…

“Hey, Sorry to disturb now, yaar.But this is important…tell me something, I want to know something…Who is this LUND???...”

Utter Silence…and then ..... "WHATTTTTTTT???"

“Do you know him…???”

NB: The pic clearly explains my expression after my friend told me what it was all about...grrrrrrrrrrr....

You are a Woman...

Many wished "Happy Woman’s Day"…I said Thank you…But then…Why…What is so great in wishing a Woman’s Day…the same people who wished me, are they really doing the required to a woman…Am I doing justice to my womanhood…Am I good enough to actually celebrate Woman’s Day…Anyways, no Feminist thoughts to share…just got irritated suddenly with an issue that is been making its round in my family…for quite some time now…Yes, a Woman from my own family is being Harassed and we as family members can do nothing more than get irritated and pass comments during long distance phone calls…

The only twins in my father’s family…She and her brother were total opposites in everything…starting from looks to intelligence…He was fair…and she was dark…He was handsome, when she was just OK…He was very intelligent and studious..while she was just somehow passing every classes from school to college… But then, for any criticisms that came her way, she fought with her tongue…Nobody could ever come out safely, if they dared to make fun of her…She would whip them with words…that was she…Lets call her K…

So, K grew up into a woman…and once she reached her graduation, her parents started looking for a groom for her…she was not good in her studies and they never expected her to finish her graduation and find some job…Naturally, the next thought would be Marriage…In our part of the world…Marriage meant Settling a Girl… (I always hated that…) … Proposals kept coming and going due 101 reasons like horoscope, education, looks, career and so on…Then through one of our aunt came A’s proposal… "A" was not so educated, but was an NRI…had a job and was GREAT enough to build his own 2 storied house near to his ancestral house...He was OK looking…

As such, the family status, was not matching… Our family was a well known family, who were considered among the High Class or atleast above Middle Class… and theirs was infact considered a below middle class family… The “class” never mattered to any of us as we all wanted a Loving Husband and a caring family for our K… Marriage was fixed…Engagement over…As K explained to me her would be’s character, I got that awful Negative vibe…I warned her, to be careful as this sort of character might not be easy to handle…Soon, she realized that…She told her mom to break the engagement as he was not what he seemed…her mom, like any other narrow minded orthodox person, got worried…and exclaimed… “NOOO, how can we do that…Its all ur imagination..he will be alright after marriage…He is just being over protective…” etc etc…

Now about A…After my first meeting with 'A'; months before their marriage, I clearly understood, his heart was filled with EGO and INFERIORITY COMPLEX… I could read between his lines, his uneasiness in knowing that we had close relatives who were quite rich…He was unhappy for the fact that, K had never gone through any financial problems…He had 101 rules that K should follow…and a 1001 – DON’T Dos… For some reason, he took me as a friend…I was worried, knowing him more…I tried making him see the love and affection the whole family had for K and inturn for him too…Still, something bit somehwhere…I knew it…This was not going to be smooth ride for K…But, it was too late for me or K to do anything about it…

Marriage Day…Minutes after he tied the knot, came the first blow…He was irritated and angry because of the flow of relative who stood to click a picture with the Bride and the groom…In front of those 100’s of guests, he threw off his garland and walked off to sit with his friends…K stood there, shocked…She told me the situation…I coaxed A to come back and behave befitting the situation…He agreed…But seeing his behavior, no more relatives approached anywhere near him for any more Photo Session…Everybody felt sad…and a bit upset and also worried for K…

Within days of marriage, more issues came up…'A' never left any reason to start a big fight with K’s parents and brother…He started abusing her family…If K’s mother was not smiling, he would start a fight saying K’s mother didn’t smile purposefully to insult him…If K’s brother was not standing when he was around, that too was to insult him…Such silly were the reasons for the fights… K started getting sandwiched between her husband and her family…The old talkative K changed…she was not less than any prey inside a Lion’s Den…She was scared of her husband and her husband’s family… To avoid issues, she started telling her family to adjust..for her sake…and so did they…afterall, they wanted her happiness…

To top things up, A’s family were worse…they too never left a chance to instigate their son against K and her family…Still, her parents and brother took every insult they showered on them just for the sake of K’s happiness…To be frank, during these days, they never told another member in our family about these problems…they kept everything to themselves…They thought, things would be better with time…

Now, 'A' was a double faced Man…he would behave the most sweetest and politest Man at one side and then show the complete opposite face the very next moment…So he was very well, behaving loving and caring to K too…inspite of all the filthy problems he was creating…Finally, K left with 'A' to his work place…Chatting and telephone calls were the only means of communication…We knew just what K let us know… Within an year, she became pregnant…He took care of her very well during the first few months of pregnancy…and then started issues, as she was travelling to India for her delivery…

Things unknown to us till then started opening up…We were shocked…’A’ had taken all Gold Jewellery of K just days after their marriage and had pledged them for money…After an year, he sold them off…Now, his next demand was to get hold of K’s parent’s house…Everybody knew, if they gave the house, then 'A' would sell it off immediately…They were not ready to take that risk… They stood by their words that the house will come to K with the condition that it was not sold off…Arguments and Fights depressed the happiness of their house…The last trimester of K turned to a nightmare with the constant fights and abuses…She had the most complicated delivery…

Her husband and her family was making her life hell with different silly reasons… Finally, our family, told her… “K, if you want, we can end this relation…and we will all be there with your decision…” … But shocking all of us… K said… “What do you all want me to do…Leave him and come and stay with my Parents and be a burden to them and my brother later… This marriage was not my decision…I begged to break this..That time, no one listened to me…Now, I will suffer everything… This is my fate… And you all should see me suffering as this was forced on me by you all… Till I can, I will live…and when no more can I suffer, I will end my life…” With this, she left her parent’s home and went with her husband…

This happened almost 6 months back… Even today, she is going through hell every single day, with his family showering her with abuses about her family…with the taunts and restrictions her husband giving her every time he calls her from abroad…When ever her parents visit her to see her and her son, her In-laws create some issue and insult them…When her son was sick and K’s parents visited the hospital to see their grandson, they ordered them to get out…It seems, 'A' did not want her to keep any relation with her family…

Now, next month is K’s twin brother’s marriage…. “A” gave ultimatum that K can attend the wedding all alone and she wouldn’t be even allowed to take her son… K doesn’t want to do that…Her days are passing by in tears…She is suffering the pain of not able to be a part of all the wedding preparations of her only brother…that too her twin brother…Her parents and brother too are sad and not a day pass by without tears remembering their daughter…and the mess she is in… The last time, they were allowed to see her, she cried inconsolably in front of them…and lamented… “Mom, Dad…I am scared..I am scared of everybody….I am sad…This is my fate…I am not sure, how long I will live like this…Maybe I will just turn mad…”…

I told you all, a real story happening in my own family…After reading this, many of you might have 101 things to say…Many might blame us for not doing something to save her…But trust me, every single member of my family, today, is looking for some possible way to save her… We thought of different ways…A Police Case, Complaining to NGOs for Women Empowerment etc …. But then, how can we do anything, when SHE is not ready to accept it…When she is adamant on her decision to suffer, as if she is punishing her own parents….How can anybody help her when she herself is taking all the pain as her FATE…

Today is Woman’s Day…K’s mother, a woman, even now might be cursing her helplessness and crying thinking of her daughter and her safety….K is also a woman…a Woman who might be sitting in some corner of her In-law’s house and shedding tears for yet another silly reason...

Are they enjoying this day meant to be a day for every Woman… Can we wish them a Happy Woman’s Day….

“Dear Sister, we love you…Yes, we agree, we made a mistake…but then, today we repent and we want to change it…We want to bring back the smile in you…Its not too late yet…Please, think well…Make the right decision…We are with you...Don’t punish us by punishing yourself…Be Strong and face the World…You have suffered as much as you could…Now it is time to stand up for your right…for your future…for your happiness…Wipe your tears and don’t forget…

You are a Woman…”

Lessons of Wisdom...

Are u one of them who study your daily portions and prepare for your exams much ahead of the examination date…Are the days before your exam; Revision Days for you…Ok…I AM NOT…. Shamelessly..uhmm..Shamefully, let me admit…NO…the whole semester, I would be doing everything else other than studying…and the two days before the exam were the days of Studies…I would be rushing through my subjects…Even though, my inner heart after every exam, scolds me hard for this last minute rush and irresponsibility…I never could change that nature of mine of keeping my studies till the last day…Maybe, it was the over confidence in me that made me be so…Maybe I was too arrogant to think that I could study all those portions in two days…grr…I feel so embarrassed now to admit it…

But do you think, this nature of mine could actually help me and many others…Would you believe if I say, if not for my this nature, many of my friends might have had lost a whole semester…My over confidence actually saved many from writing Supplement Papers…uhmm…

Now, before I get into the story… let me thank my class mate here…She was one girl, who used to work so hard throughout the year and still find herself BLANK, the day b4 the exam… So we both had decided on Combined-Study…where I was one person who might be seeing most of the lecture notes for first time and so knew NOTHING…and she might be seeing it the 100th time and still knew NOTHING…Our way of studying was…I would be like a Teacher, reading out the notes as if I was saying some story…and she would be like a student who seriously listened and learnt them with understanding…It worked for both of us…as I wanted someone to listen to me..and she wanted someone to read out to her…By god’s grace and her support I never had to go to any exam without learning the subject well…and she too became confident in appearing for the exams…

Life at college went on this way…till the Sixth and the last semester…rather the last exam we had to give for our Graduation course…As the course suggested, we had too many arrays of subjects to study every semester…Thus came the paper, “Entrepreneurship” … This was a subject which was done in detail for the Commerce students…so for the English Lecturers, this was completely new…Two of the Senior Lecturers divided the syllabus between them and took classes…they gave long Lecture notes and made the students equipped to face the Barrier of Examinations…I being too busy with everything else, had no time to actually even go through these notes…till that Saturday…

Monday was the last exam…Entrepreneurship Paper…ours being the first batch of the newly introduced course, this exam was almost like a Challenge for the English Department of the college…So early morning Saturday, I reached my Study mate’s door step…lol…Trust me, my mind at that moment was like a blackboard that was never touched with Chalk…My friend was like a Blackboard scribbled with Chalks all over…My mind was wandering with fear as I knew NOTHING….She had lot of fears, as she felt she knew nothing…With much optimism…we got into her bed…and started going through Lecture notes of one of the Teacher…Teacher M…

Almost after 2 hours, we hadn’t progressed…the never ending pages of the lecture notes scared both of us…We decided to start with Teacher G’s notes…personally I liked her more…lol!!!somehow, G’s notes seemed more interesting and easy to learn…Soon after lunch time, we made sure that G’s portions were almost done…Again, half heartedly, we started on M’s notes…how much ever, I tried making the process interesting, the stuff seemed too confusing and boring and never ending…Essays seemed like Novels…Short Notes seemed like Essays…I hated it…we had no option..had to study…almost 1 day was over…we had just 1 more day before the exam…and we were still no where…

By 6 in the evening, I knew, we were hopeless in our War to succeed…grrr..It was then, I decided…Why not check the syllabus…and then go through the notes as per the Syllabus…atleast we would have some guide…that was the idea…

When we started going through the syllabus and trying to find the corresponding notes among the lecture notes, shockingly we realized…we had NOTHING…. All of Teacher M’s notes were completely irrelevant….She had given notes of portions which was not in our Syllabus…and She had given NO notes of portions from our Syllabus….That meant…apart from both of us…rest of the batch mates were busy studying portions which was not actually required and they would be coming for the exam without studying the necessary portions…Shocked, I immediately called Teacher G…(as u know, she was my favourite…)…She was like shocked too…it was too late to even call everybody to the College…So what she advised was, to try to find the Entrepreneurship Text Book from any Commerce students…and photo copy relevant portions and try studying in that last one day, the Sunday…A phone call to all other class mates to pass this information was done…

I could hear many getting worried, some even cried…as they had spend days to learn this practically New subject…I was still blank…That night, I walked through my street with my brother…walking into every house, asking if there was any Bachelor of Commerce, Final Year student..who could give me his Text book to be photocopied…They too were having exams, so there was doubts if they should give or not…Still, finally, we managed to get a text book…and photocopied the whole stuff, that night itself…

Sunday was like a Day on Fire…I and my Study mate, rigorously went thru the topics and somehow, made ourselves aware of the subject…Trust me, the portion was so easier than what Teacher M has given us…God knows, how could she be so careless, in making such a big error… but even today, when I think of it…IF I HADNT THOUGHT OF IT…on deciding to take out the syllabus actually saved the future of a whole batch of students…and the reputation of the College...

On Monday morning, all of us was so tensed…bcoz none of us had even time enough to study well…Atleast for me, it was not new..I was always a last minute Study person…So, maybe it didn’t make too much of a difference…We met Teacher G at the entrance…she tried hard to console us…and make us tension-less…Anyways, majority of us did the exam well…rather everybody passed the exam…and for me, I was one of the University Gold Medalist …

Out of all this…what is it, that actually made me feel bad was…Teacher M…even after knowing she made a big mistake…she never felt like coming to us and at least be there to give us some Moral Support… “To Err is Human…”… but then, she would have been regarded high if she was there to accept it too…Instead, she acted as if She knew nothing about what was happening…and she had no further responsibilities…afterall, it was matter of the future of many of the students….She failed to remember that…atleast, that's the impression she gave…

Still, I prefer believing, that day DID make some change in her…I don’t know…I can't make sure either as I had left college after my graduation…but I believe, the past cannot be changed, the future is yet in your power...as...

Mistakes are Lessons of Wisdom...