We will...

He is for sure only 10; but always had a deep insight into everything he witnessed. His observation skills were always a shock for me as it wasn’t always that he would let me know that he had that one side to his otherwise cheeky monkey nature. So, when things seemed too difficult to handle; I had to make my decision. By now, the I have completely given up the hope of anybody understanding the emotional roller coaster that I was  going thru. For me, it was ‘that’ moment of life where I had no come back to what I been thru all these past years. Acting happy and content seemed too impossible now.  

Finally, I opened the book in front of him, the one person that mattered the most to me. For the decision, I made in quest of my happiness, he would be the most affected one. My son, who just celebrated his bday, I had to speak to him. After a doctor’s appointment, on our way back home, at the McDonalds, in front of his father, I asked him, “Mamma wants to ask you something. What do you think about me and your dad?”

As usual, he kept on playing his game and asked, “What do you mean?”.

“Baby, what do you think of mamma and papa?”

“Hmmm, You are ok.”

Pause…I wasn’t sure what to say. His father just pushed the chair down and dashed out to his car.

The l’il one seemed to have no change of expression and continued eating food. He felt nothing new; as he had seen him cut off conversations always in a similar fashion.

Once back in the car, I asked his father on why he left the place to which he said, “There is nothing I have to tell or listen to.”

I knew, there was nothing indeed. Now, it was our son who had to listen to and talk…

“Baby, tell me, what you think of us as a family.”

“Hmm, I don’t think you both are happy together. You are not like other couples. I know you both are just acting.”

“Ok, baby, its right. We are not happy together. Amma is almost fed up with this and I cant take this any longer. Rather than living like this, I would prefer to move out; away from your father.”

“Mamma, are you gonna go away and live in another house.”

“Yes…”

“Mamma, can I come with you?”

I wasn’t too surprised to not hear him asking me to NOT TO DO IT or any such emotional pleas. He was too practical for that. I knew that by now.

“As long as you wanna be with me, you will be with me. I will not separate you from your father. This is between a husband and wife and I don’t want you to be affected in this.”

“No amma, I want to be with you genuinely. You are the one who takes care of me and looks after all my things. I will be happy with you. I will shift with you.”

It was a full stop for him. I knew it. I understood, his innocent calculation within him. Nothing emotional; he was just being practical.

As always, his father just repeated, “I have nothing to say.”

Sad….as I could hear the l’il one again,

“Mamma, when are we shifting?”

We will...

Dear Amma...

I know that I have hurt you immensely by being open about my pain. For first time ever in my life, I have been true to my own personal feelings. It might have come as a shock to you and you find it difficult to accept or agree. My mistake, that I always tried to fake my emotions; but believe me amma, it was always for to keep you away from any sorrow. You have always believed that whatever I did was for the right, then why not this time. Why are you not able to trust me and give me the chance to find happiness.

I never or would ever tell that my mother is a failure. You have been a successful mother to grow her kids in this way; that your children till date only try to ensure your happiness before their own. But as they say, nothing could be perfect. When you took care of the family, society and the public interests…you missed some small details. ‘My heart’ was one of it. Please don’t take what I am saying here as a blame or an argument…But it’s a truth I am being honest about…

My efforts to never hurt you, you misunderstood them as my happiness. Come what it be, whenever I hid any pain I had gone thru, it was always for the fear that it would hurt you. Maybe, I was immature to think so. Even when I faced the worst pain during childhood from our so-called relative, I never opened up to you and instead suffered within. The trauma that it brought to me as a child and a woman, you can never imagine. Still, finally when I had the courage to talk about it to you recently, I again tend to lighten up the topic so as to not stress you. It wasn’t bcoz I was not affected; But for me, I could bear the pain it had inflicted on me; but cud not bear to hurt you.

Today I can trust NO man and instead, I take up everything to myself. I behave like a man and does everything myself. I tried to do everything to keep you safe. I hid all the pain that I had gone through due dad’s irresponsibility or my husband’s fakeness. I felt it was better for me to handle it than put you under more pressure.

I never blamed you nor will I ever. I know that you grew up in that manner and I will not expect to see something in you that you urself has never seen. But it hurts me so badly that why am I not able to adjust and accept things that I am unhappy about, like I always did until today.

The agony I have put myself in now, the divorce procedure is not an enjoyment for me. Its an effort to bring in some peace in myself. If it was anything else, I could have got any pleasure without creating any issues to anybody. I could have lived a parallel life any time. But now, I feel, its time that I live my days without hiding, acting or adjusting.

I don’t want my son to learn that adjusting without being happy is acceptable. He should know, adjust only till the moment you are happy with it. If I am not happy, I can never keep anybody happy. I will only spoil my kid’s life. Its time for me to take care of myself and be happy. That will connect me more with the life. I am fighting a battle, with myself and with the people I care for the most. It hurts, it kills me.

I want my son to grow up into a humane human being. He should understand the value and importance of love. All that I am trying is to make him understand that and not to spoil his life. I am confident that I will do my best to bring the best out in him, ofcourse with his father’s support. And not with the fake pride he is trying to hold to show the world that all is well. All is NOT well. I am not well. I will do everything to ensure my son grows up happy and healthy and for that I should my own happiness.

U might not see what I am trying to show; but still, maybe someday. I don’t want to destroy anybody's life, neither my parents nor my husband neither mine. It took a lot of pain and courage for me to say many things in front of u all. You might never understand it, as its me who was affected. Your threshold of understanding, accepting and compromising is much higher than me, maybe. I am not saying your son-in-law is a bad person, I have never said that. But, we can never keep each other happy in its true sense. Him taking effort or me taking effort will always be temporary as it is not from heart but due force. Today or tomorrow, it will go back to what it was. I have seen him "ready to do anything" and then just flipping within days. You are seeing it just today. But the trust has been broken. Finding happiness in watching a movie or going to a restaurant is not whatI want amma. I want to be peaceful and feel no hatred within me. I have been living long with it ...for many people that came across my life. Nothing against you or anybody. But if i dont think about myself atleast now; my son will lose his mother to be a woman with no substance. I know you are worried about my future; but my future will be safe only if I am happy. I dont want to live facing disgust and hatred. For you, my words might sound meaningless, arrogant and selfish. For me, its about facing myself without fear of the world. I know, for this I will lose my whole family as I can see that. But from bottom of my heart, I am sorry for hurting you.

You don’t have to support me., but atleast try to understand me. For once, keep away all that you have learnt these years about the society and life and try to see your daughter the way she is. Today, I am not acting anymore. I am showing my sorrow, anger, frustration etc as it is. Be with me to change all this to happiness, the pure one. That’s all I need from you. Rest all the blocks and battles, I will fight. I cant fight against you, it will kill me. Please.

With lots of love... 

I am MY Priority...

It takes a lot of courage to face some bitter facts about life. Each individual who are surviving in this competitive world; tend to take many things for granted. For their own convenience, many things are assumed and a self-confirmation is affirmed deep within that all that we have thought of is what the reality is. Things go fine as long as the pattern of life does not change and it goes through the same monotonous routine that one is so deeply used to. But the moment, the pattern is disrupted by any force, be internal or external… the possibilities for some new revelations are very high. Either it would break your self-affirmations or confirm that they were always right.

Personally, I was always loud about the fact that, I might never be understood as the real me. For the fake me seemed to be so real to the world around, that they might not even be ready to acknowledge that ‘what they see is not the real me.’ I have repeatedly heard from friends and others that, ‘What ever be, my family would stand by me.’ For some strange reason, I never could build such a confidence in me. No offences meant, but my family was always orthodox and could never come out of the constraints they grew up with. So, any negative factors were to be faced, I avoided confronting it publicly and rather found comfortability by adapting myself to the factor.

It hurt me or not, never mattered as my priority was my family and my parents and brother was my family. It never changed. Eventually my son too took his place in that list. In the course of life, at various stages, I gave up many things…Things that I felt would give me happiness…I left them to choose something else that was approvable by my family. Be it my education or my career or my life.

I left my education at a stage when it was growing beautifully to ward off some harsh difficulties away from my family. I ignored my dream career to satisfy and comfort my family’s fears. I cheated my love to keep safe my family’s pride. I never felt they were sacrifices and felt they were part of my responsibilities… Until…

For every person, there is a threshold of mental acceptance. To accept and adapt to anything, never meant that it would be lifelong. Even the strongest elastic could break with the worst force. As time flew, I could see that my elasticity was reducing and I was getting weaker by every other day. Tiny pieces of ME was keeping me together as I went on to accept and agree to everything that I was NOT happy about. Did I have choice, I never thought of one.

Recently, one fine day, the tiny connections broke, letting me loose. I didn’t have any more loose ends to tie me up strong enough to accept what I would not have accepted otherwise. I gave up. On myself, on those things I put up with and even to the life I was living… For the first time ever, I confronted the issue rather than pushing it below the sleeves.

Moments of realisation. All my life, I proclaimed that Maturity is when you expect only yourself at the end of the road…But the pain that gushed through me that specific day showed me that NO, I was not matured enough to practice what I always preached. At some deepest corner of my heart, I expected atleast one of them to see me as I am. I expected that there would be atleast on person to stand up for me. There would be that one person who would give me the courage and confidence to pass the dark phase of life…

Today, I am standing all alone. Amidst the very group of family who I always kept as my priority, I suddenly stood frozen, finding it difficult to accept some realities of life. I saw every single person standing up for one person or another. But saw none by my side. Repeatedly, I looked hard to prove myself that I am wrong and indeed there is someone with me.

With a hard heart, I realised…I was never a Priority… or atleast, I never could be one ever….  What you did for them, never mattered. All that mattered was their current priorities. What I missed was nothing compared to what I revealed now. I had decided to show them the real me and face the truth without a mask, and I was left stranded.

People say, never expect. But can love be ever done without expectations. Maybe, I am not so matured enough to be so as I had expectations. Not to stand by me but atleast for a word of understanding.

Today, I am in real form growing up or in the process to start accepting things in its true self. I stopped faking anything. I decided to confront and for that today I am standing in a battle field with my own family right across me. Maybe temporary for them, but I have decided not to give up any more. Not to give up happiness for whom I was never a priority. I love everybody a lot; but its time I love myself too. I want to assure myself that even if there is none, I am there for me. I might sound selfish and self-centered and arrogant. But, yes, I am…

I am MY Priority…