Will I ever change...???

Last Part...

Now, we were in constant touch…but would some people never learn…getting into the wrong relations at the wrong time…especially when somebody warns you not to, still if u r all set to fall into the wrong things…NOW, if she fell into wrong things was not my problem, I could take it so…But then, I wouldn’t be happy so …I HAD to take one extra tension into my head, right??? So, did I? and where did that take me to…Turned me into somebody who doesn’t want to let her friend off and is trying to dominate her life..greattttttt!!!

It so happened, a guy suddenly came out of no where in her life…She was keeping me updated…I was happy that somebody was there around her to love her…But apart from that, from what ever she told me about him…I was not convinced that he was good enough for her…I knew from his mannerisms that he was no lesser than a Psycho…Experience told me atleast that much…I warned her…I told her how this relation could turn to…and how ugly things can be..and how difficult it would be for her later…Her only Counter Attack was.. “Doesn’t I deserve some love in my life…”…I tried making her understand, “Love can be treacherous at times and this time it would turn dangerous for you…”

She stopped telling me things…rather HE made her stop…When I asked her to tell him to meet/talk to me…he said NO…Strangely, he stayed a stranger…Soon, I came to know, she started a Live-in relation with him… I was worried, as she was with someone who I know nothing much apart from what she had told me…Now, soon after this..he started restricting her from talking to me or my family… She had to do that secretly…How strange…I stopped interfering…If that gave her happiness, let her be…

But…my premonitions were never wrong…soon she came back…badly scared and depressed…Her life was HELL…rather he was making it HELL…by being too interfering, possessive and above all Suspicious…She was not even allowed to wear a Lipstick…She was not allowed to talk to anybody…Fight was a common thing in her household…when she spoke to me about the truth of her LOVE life..i wasnt surprised...everything that I warned her about was happening in her real life...She openly told me... "when u told me tht u could get scared of ur own love, I used to think...why she is saying so...if we love someone, how can we hate that love...but now I realise how that could happen..." ...I felt pity on her...as I know what she would be going through...

Finally, I interfered into her life again...I spoke to that guy...he was as expected so good at drama...keeping a good face mask, he acted innocent...tried turning me against her...I knew some things that he said was true...as I was sure, knwoing her, she might have used them to gain more love from him...I couldn't blame her now...That wasn't me...I stood by her...tried compromised, which I very well knew, wouldn't stay long...as expected soon, she had to fled from that house even without his knowledge...there was big show downs with that too...I had to support her...physically, mentally and financially too...as he had really disrupted her financial side too...

Ok, nowwwwwwwww...why have I been telling her story...bcoz, again after all the above, she has hurt me slightly...maybe not knowingly...but still..I am tooo sensitive about relations...so I got hurt...and that is how I started writing about her days before as Part 1...Now it is my turn...you would call me SILLY, STUPID...

Its so happened, I had invited her for my son's b'day party...knowing her situations, I even arranged for her transportation...and it so happened, she mentioned to another friend, a common friend, that She might not be attending the function, But then not to tell that to me...The common friend immediately informed her, that she would be letting me know, as the party needs planning and calculation...and she is not going, do let me know...So the day before the party, I called her up and asked her, if she is not coming or what...I told her, that if she is stuck at work or something, its fine, but pls do let me know,..Her reply did startle me a bit... "oh, actually, somebody has invited me for Diwali...I have to go there and then I will see, if I can come..."... I was a bit irritated, true... I told her, "Ok, fine, if u r not coming...do let me know...I have to cancel that transportation..."...she said ok...

As expected, I knew her well...she didnt come, neither she called...Neither she had the manners to call me up later some day and apologies or atleast have a general friendly talk...to make up for her absence...That did make me feel bad...but what hurt me more was... Days later, one day, she is calling my husband...and... "Hai, where is she...she should be angry with me...right??? I am at the airport now...I am travelling as my father is not feeling well...Please let her know also...bye.."

Now, this hurt me...her family was so close to me also... if her family is suffering, I expect her to atleast let me know that...what ever excuses she might give, I don't feel, that was right that she calling my husband just before boarding her flight and telling him to inform me... If it was me in her position, I would never do that...Being all alone, in this country with no relatives or family...I would have informed that one person, who was responsible for me in this place...and yes, I was responsible for her here, atleast I was answerable to her family...It was me, who they used to call, whenever they felt worried for her...SHE COULD HAVE TOLD ME....

Once she was back, She called up my husband and informed him that her father is OK...it's been days after that also...till date, she has never called me...even for a friendly talk or to let me know of her father...It seems she told my husband that she knows that I might be still angry with her...and my husband did ask her if what she did was right...She laughed to that...uhmm...

I don't know...but somehow, suddenly I see that girl in the College room...sitting with her new found friend...giving glances at me and laughing...and I hate that...But at the same time, I can't hate her or anybody in that case...Once, I have had a soft corner for anybody, how much ever they hurt me, I can't hate them...I might be wrong...and I have learnt my lesson, but I could never put that into practice in my own life...I do preach on that to everybody...but in my own life, I still get hurt by people who I love and give my life for...and still I am around them when ever they need me...I could never change myself in that one aspect of my nature...my behaviour...my life...

Should I change...?Will I ever change...???

Could I keep her safe always...???

PART III - Continuation...

Now…time flew like anything…I found new friends…new interests… new life and a job in the new place…Everything was new..except for one friend, who soon got married and came to the same city I was in……

The Irony is...This was one girl, who was a good friend but never the best friend…We did our computer course together and she was always in love with her Now-Husband…so I kept a distance from her, thinking, she would need some privacy while talking or chatting with her boy friend then…She used to feel bad about that…but I had my own reasons…But today, she’s the only friend who I have from back home, who really took that interest to keep in touch and maintain that close relation she always had towards me…Today, she’s indeed my best friend…as she was there around me in times of need…uhmm…

Ok..lets get back to my story…

Three years passed…One fine Sunday, I was rushed in the first flight from here to my native place, due a medical emergency…..when I was rushed, the doctors didn’t know that it was really an emergency…They just knew, there was a cyst that need to be removed…but in real, there were 2-3 cysts and out of that one had already freed the fluid from its diameter… A Cyst broke around my Uterus and the blood had spread into all the organs…Lol…Anyways…the surgery was done..

A few days later…God knows for what reason…suddenly, my old friend’s face came to my thoughts…Without any particular reason, I tried contacting her old number…It was Out of Order…I started calling many of my other class mates…None knew anything about her…Infact, she just disappeared into thin air after the Graduation…None was even sure, whether she passed her Graduation…Finally, a few days before my return flight, I got thru to her…

She was surprised...and for a change I felt relief in her voice…I couldn’t get why…She said..she really wanna see me..Now, I was surprised…Still, I told her, that I still stayed at the same place where she used to frequent on a daily basis years back..and my home number hasn’t changed… (lol, that was a poke…)

We met…a day before my return flight…She told me what happened to her after we bid goodbye…Her so called friend, ditched her…and she was left alone…Her parents, forced her to get married…but the marriage was a failure within 3 months…but by then, she was pregnant…and now she was back at her marital house as a burden to her family with her 2 year old son…She cried and explained how hard it was to live so in such a conservative society… I was hurt…I wished if I could help her…I promised her help…She said she didn’t come for help..just wanted to see me..and was happy tht she could talk to me…uhmm…

Months later, I got married…She came to meet me before the marriage..and I again promised her my help…this time, she wanted a way to escape the hell there… I knew, financially I could be of NO help..as even myself was having bad times then…but then, I promised her that I would try with all my friends to get a Visa for her so that she can come over and try for a job and start a new life…I told her that, she can stay at my place as long as she want and can settle herself…

Within 3 months, she flew to me…my relatives were all against my decision to bring her and keep her with me…Typical Conservative family…Their thinking was that I was just married and how can I keep another young girl at my place…during my honeymoon days…I didn’t get into an argument nor did I listen to them…I brought her…Took her around..Paid for her clothe, food, transportation and everything..as she came over with not a single penny…She had none…

Luck helped her, this time..She got a job…and soon her company gave her the visa…She shifted to a Sharing accommodation…She thanked me and openly agreed to all her mistakes she committed due misunderstandings…She admitted that whatever she did was purposefully to hurt me…and that now she realize how wrong she was…I was happy, tht she was atleast off frm her problems…We kept in regular touch so that I advised her of all possible dangers in this stranger’s land…She knew none and dangers were same for woman all around the world…I was like a Mamma Bear trying to protect her from any problems…as I felt, she was my responsibility…After all that she had gone thru in her life, I didn’t wanted her to fall into any trap…Afterall, I was answerable to her parents and little son too…
But…

To be continued…

She couldn't stop being so, I suppose...

Part II - Continuation...

So…now where did we stop…I literally started keeping myself off from her…as every time I w as anywhere around her, she didn’t leave a chance to hurt my feelings…as she knew me the most and so she knew what could prick me…and she did exactly that…

Time passed by…It was time for our Final year Excursion…I was never allowed to go for an excursion…my parents were terrified of all those news we hear of accidents and death during such trips or excursions…But somehow, this time, my parents nodded YES…and we planned for a 3 days trip to one of the Hill Station…to a neighboring state…It was a nice and great news for me…but…this time it was not so good, as my friend was no more my friend and I knew, I might feel lonely in such trips…knowing myself well…

Then I came to know, she was not coming…reason being financial. It seems her mother didn’t wanted to spend not so big amount for a mere excursion…I felt bad…When rest of us go, if only she is not coming, I thought of the pain she might have…I keeping off the things that happened in the past, I went and met her at the place where she used to do her Computer course… I promised her, that I shall find the money to pay for her too and she just come…I spoke to her mother and my parents too… It was not that I was rich that I could pay…but then, I managed to get the amount somehow…for me and her and we were all set to go…

On the day of the trip..she was supposed to join us from near her house and we all got into the bus from the College (Starting point)…Knowing, she loved fried rice, I packed a big pack of fried rice and other stuff for myself, her and even for her NEW FOUND friend…I was happy…we started …. I still remember, I was dancing thru out till I reached her place…I was screaming and singing along with everybody with joy and fun…As she entered, we sang a welcome song..to make her cheerful…

I knew, she is my old friend now…But what happened was shocking…She just entered the bus, spoke and smiled at evrybdy and found her seat near her FRIEND and continued what she was doing a few days back…I was shocked…

Not only me, rest of the girls in the bus too noticed, how meanly she behaved…some of them, called me to their seat and started talking and trying to change my mood…I realized, how all my other classmates cared for me…they all knew, I was not so bad to deserve all that…

What happened during those three days was unexplainable..I was with her…but I could feel I was alone…She came to me, evry time she wanted money..or wanted to buy something..the moment she go what she wanted, she would leave… I finally, took over myself…I decided to ignore wht she was doing to me…Instead, I mingled with evrybdy and enjoyed the rest of the trip…Don’t know what, but the other girls liked my company and followed me evryhwere…

With that trip, I completely cut myself off from her…When our exams got over, she came over to me with a Slam Book, where we write about ourself ..a modern version of an Autograph book… I dint hide my emotions…I bluntly wrote on it “Never hurt anybody the way u did to me..and never term Utilisation as Friendship..” …lol…I am really meannnnn…After reading that, she told me…jokingly and sarcastically… “My god, I can never show this book to anyone now…” ...Neither of us had any regret in what happened...uhm...

After that, our graduation results came out..I passed as a University Topper with a Rank…and knew she failed in some papers… Within a month I was travelling to join my dad here…Before leaving, I met her to say Goodbye…and that was the last I saw her…

Until almost 3 years later…

To be continued…

Why was she doing this to me...

Part I

Ok…now, friends…I am a bit hurt…Is that silly of me to get hurt…I don’t know…Can I avoid getting hurt???No…I would be the first person to look around for reasons to get hurt…especially if it’s the matter of any relation…then look for me, I would be right there…Some INTELLIGENT people advised me…Never expect anything in return…Then you wouldn’t get hurt…it was true…I too always advise many around me the same thing…but could I ever practice it in my own life??? Never… somehow, I couldn’t…

When I say expect…I am not expecting any physical goods or stuff…just the affection and support…For all that I do for someone, the least I expect would be that they be truly there with me…for me…but somehow, thru out my life, I have seen 99% of people, who were considered by me as friends or family… who needed me during their times of need and then just left me once they got what they wanted….Now what I am going to say, is a childish one..but still it hurts…

It was during my graduation days, that I became friends with R…I have mentioned her in one f my earlier posts…Anyways…she was very chirpy, but gets too sentimental at the most unexpected instances and still she was fine…she and I was jokingly called as Honey and Milk..as we were together most of the time…From morning till evening, when we leave to our respective home…

She stayed quite far from city…So I used to pick her from the Main Bus Station and then we both crossed the 30mts drive to our college together in my 2 wheeler…it was fun..as our college was a bit far from the city…It was a routine…we both going together to college, staying whole day together and then dropping her back at the Bus station…

One day, there was some serious issue at my house..a very serious family issue…everybody at home were stressed and upset…I knew, it was not proper for me to go to college that day…I called her home, and told her that I wouldn’t be coming to college…She asked for the reason…I couldn’t say anything as my mom was nearby…and I felt it was not proper talking about the issue on phone…Anyways…she just disconnected the call…Even I was in a hurry, so I didn’t notice any problem in that…

Next day, we were having a special class from a Guest Lecture and had to be at the college on time..she knew it…So I waited for her at the Bus Station…almost till 9.30am, I waited…looking thru every single bus…During those days, mobile phone was not common…So finally by 9.30 I got into one of the Telephone booth and called her home… only to know that she left for college early that day…and they were worried asking me, if I didn’t meet her…I too was worried..not knowing what happened to her…I knew, I am already late for my special class…I roamed around a bit more and then rushed to college…Just wanted to be sure, she wasn’t there…

How, I drove that day…even I don’t know…finally, I parked the scooter and rushed to my classroom…and my teacher who saw that I was almost 45 minutes late…gave me an angry glare as if saying.. “I will see you after the class…”… I ignored that and entered the classroom…and there she is…right near a common friend, who she used to always deplore…I was surprised and shocked too…I was waiting for the class to get over…

Finally, the class got over…I saw her walking out with the other friend…I wondered why she was behaving so…and followed her out…I saw her sitting outside with some friends in the corridor…I went towards her…by then, I was angry and upset…. I started talking… “Hey R, If u were not coming, u could have atleast let me know…I wouldn’t…”… before I could complete my sentence, she blurted out… “I DON’T WANNA HEAR ANYTHING FROM YOU…”

This shocked me and hurt me…I dint know, why she behaved so…nor could I find a reason…suddenly I felt so lonely…bcoz, all this while, even though I was friends with everybody in the class…emotionally I was attached to only her…and when such a reaction came from her…I was stressed…

Our routine broke…I went alone to college…sat with rest of the class mates…while she roamed around with the other friend…I was wondering, how could she, as I knew, how much she used to mock that girl…How badly she used to hate that girl’s character and behavior…and now, she is walking around with the same girl…to hurt me more (atleast that's what I felt and that was what she was doing...), she laughed and giggled every time she saw me, giving me occasional stares and looks…I didn’t know, what is happening with her and why was she doing this to me…

To be continued…

A Sentimental Idiot...

Listening to songs was always a favourite pastime for me…But the problem with me is that I listen to the same song again and again and again… This could end me up in a change of mood…which could be either a Happy or Sad…Sentimental or Cheerful…Emotional or Playful…I have my own set of songs loaded into my mobile which I listen to very often..and somehow, my list doesn’t grow that fast…it is very difficult for any song to enter into my mobile…as I am too much engrossed in my own list…that I doesn’t even listen to another song to like it or not like it…

I had a friend years back, who had once gifted me a cassette recorded with the same song…When my brother unknowingly played the cassette in the player, it started playing the song…it got over and as he waited for the next song, again he heard the same song…again and again he was hearing the same song…at one point he doubted, maybe I was rewinding the cassette…so angrily he fast forwarded the cassette and played it again…to hear the same old song…lol!!! He used to call me Crazy then, for listening so passionately to that cassette…

Now, how I like a song totally depended on its lyrics…if the lyrics were beautiful, then I would love the song… That was the reason why I was so emotionally attached to my songs…As for each song in my list, I had some memory or thoughts or people attached to it…some where happy thoughts and some painful thoughts…so, my mood would end up in a pool of changes as per the songs I hear…

Okkkk..now, all that introduction for nothing??? Naaa…actually, now I am in a whirlpool of mood fluctuation…. I have been listening to some songs…and most of the songs somehow depicted the need for support, love and care… to the three songs that I was listening, I had three different memories….So when I was listening to them, my thoughts flew back to the past…and those faces that was inside my heart came up…

I just felt like telling this out…That, I am a Sentimental Idiot..now…I don’t wanna sing the song out to you guys…but I wanna give a word by word translation of some of the lines of the song that I am listening to right now…These are the lines that keep me close to this song….

When words get spoiled….when a problem arises…
Please stand by me…oh my love…
Apart from you…There is nobody…nor was there anybody…in my life
Please stand by me…oh my love…

Till the moment the Moon gives the light, everybody giv u company..
But please, you don’t leave my hand when it is dark…

U have to belive me…we have met somewhere before..
This is a matter of eras…and its not just today’s story…

So…now this song is supposed to be a romantic song…But somehow, this was the song that I used to always listen to and sing when I was pregnant…I used to keep my hands on my protruding tummy and sing to my baby this song… It was like, I was telling this to him…To be my support some day…to stand by me…Washing off the romanticism in the song, I found the song to be a mother’s plea to her son…

You might think I am a fool for doing that…but, friends, just go thru the above lines…Can’t a mother say the some words to her children…Can’t this be a prayer from an insecure mother to her son… Atleast for me, I felt so… During my pregnancy, I was really insecure…about everything…I feared anything and everything…even the safety of my baby…That’s how I ended up getting attached to this song…A Song for me and my baby…

Now you tell me…Am I really one…???

A Sentimental Idiot???

Happy Diwali

Diwali aka Deepavali was one of those festival that we, as kids, looked forward for every year... The amount of money that got burnt off in the form of fireworks excited us so much...Even while enjoying burning our fireworks, our eyes and ears used to be at the neighbour's house to see, if ours or theirs were better...There were times when we used to hide majority of our fireworks, just to use them later...once the neighbours were done with their stock...We loved showing off...lol!!!

To say stories of Deepavali would be a whole lot...still would love to share atleast one or two of them...

STORY 1

I had this Over confidence in myself that I was toooo brave and strong…and fearless…I always made sure that I gave a similar portrait of myself to people around me… for the same reason and maybe for a bit of show off, I always used to be the first one to lit the fireworks, especially the bombs and the different types of crackers…

During one such occasion, some 12-14 years back…I was at my door step…along with some of my neighbours enjoying the Diwali eve by burning off loads of crackers and fire works…Among the different crackers, there was this small cigarette shaped cracker… the cracker being really small in size but at the same time very powerful had to be handled very carefully….

I being the stupid SHOW OFF Heroine…took some of them…placed my ass near a lit candle on one of the steps at our front porch and started lighting the cracker and throwing it away as soon as I saw the first spark in the stub…The thing was so quick that, as soon as I throw it, the thing would explode in mid air…my younger cousins awed at me in admiration…and I felt proud…I was acting really smart and kept on throwing the lit crackers into the air and enjoyed the fun of it…

But as the saying goes “Pride comes before a fall…”… I took one of the piece and lit it on the candle light…and just as I was to throw it, suddenly I had this strange feeling, that the stub has not caught fire…to examine it on a close view I was just bringing it closer to me…and BOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM….. for some moment, I could feel nothing…I thought I had no hand or ears….I thought my face had flown off from me…but soon, I understood my ears were still working normal…only thing, I hated knowing that…bcoz, all I could hear was all my spectators laughing and making fun of me…As I sat there with a blank expression, one hand up as if holding a rose…

And I still wonder, how I escaped such a fatal accident without even a scratch…Forget the Vibration inside my ears for days….

STORY 2

As I said before…we as kids always wanted to show our neigbours that we had more crackers with us...When we were some 10 year old…we made an alliance with two of my neighboring friends… we decided to share all our crackers and burn them together so that we had the most when compared to many other houses around us…

That specific year, somehow, my dad was tooooo generous or was it he got it on a Discount, god knows….we got a real big treasure full of crackers…all sort of crackers filled the front porch of our house that night…along with my neighbors, we started burning them one by one…But then, Anything if too much gets stale…after hours, we started getting bored and wished the stock was over…we just wanted to get back home and give our eyes and ears some rest…

As we learnt that every body in the team had the same mind, we came upon an agreement…we got hold of a big aluminium pot…emptied all the crackers into the pot and loosely closed it’s mouth…and then dropped in a spark into it…what we were expecting was some Boooom, Baaams and Dooooms and finished….

But what happened was horrifying…the aluminium vessel started jumping and flying all around the pouch…with every single cracker bursting inside….to make matter worse, it hit the Iron gate with a bang and then jumped up and hit the glass window of the house (not to mention, it shattered into pieces…) and around and around it went…it even banged against my brother’s cycle parked in the garage…(Thank god, my dad’s car was not there then…)

Don’t mention about the clothes that caught fire from the rockets that escaped thru the lid of the Pot…haaaaaaaa…U can imagine the expression of the kids, including me…my mom had the shock of her life when she heard our screams and the glass window shattering…Anyways, one of the boy, who was elder to all of us suddenly came back to his sense and switched on the Water pump and ran behind the moving pot and washed the fire off…Anyways, it couldn’t save much of the cleaning clothes that was hanging in the Clothe Liner….nor did we were spared from the still louder EXPLOSIONS from our parents the remaining nights….

Anyways, today I miss all those days…and I feel bad for my son who could not enjoy days that we had enjoyed years back…Hoping to be back home atleast next year to show my son what is the real…

Happy Diwali…