Please, be with us...

The distance I walked, was nothing less than a world record for me. Can’t believe that, the me who always lived my life for others; the way they wanted, today has started a journey of my own… In quest of the long-lost happiness and joy, that this life could bestow on me. Today, I stepped out of my past to build a new future. A hope filled, promising future.

I know, the journey ahead is not going to be easy. With the tag of being someone’s wife still choking me, the number of fingers pointing at me have only increased with every passing day. Thru every night that I cried my heart out, I could feel the warmth of a hug and a soft voice that said, “Mamma, don’t worry, I am with you. You are not doing anything wrong. You should only need to be happy and need not adjust for other’s happiness.”

Those weren’t words I wanted to hear from my son. Those were words, I wanted to hear from my family. Forget the world, but I wished if my father, my mother or atleast my brother; even once said those words to me, atleast to comfort me, calm me, console me. They didn’t. Instead, they kept pointing out the fact that society doesnot work this way and being a female, I am expected to adjust and compromise… not this much but even more. Today, tomorrow and even for all the days that I might witness.

Their inability to understand me didn’t hurt as much as their hostility in handling my depressed heart. The harsh words poked me. The insults killed me. The emotional blackmails squeezed me. I had two options. Give up on the hope to be happy and live as I did all these years…Or to take all the pain and then make them my strength to seek my happiness.

Today, I finally walked out. It was not just out of a house. It was out of a system, a society, a life, a family. I walked out of everything that had crushed me and my hopes to live… I have a big responsibility ahead of me, my son. I will not let him down. I was his super hero Mom always. I had to be strong. But ask me, if I am strong enough to go thru the past days again, I will run away… Can’t even imagine, how I had the courage to do what I did. To stand up for myself.

But hereon, what and how, I don’t know? But, I finally stood up for myself. I have unbelievably marked the start of this journey and may the almighty guide me thru to the safe, comforting shelter of his love and peace…. Praying that his presence be with me and my son…

Please, be with us…

Moving on...

Around me, moments seemed to drift away…

I knew, my life was all set to tear me apart…

The wet eyelids and clinching lips tried to tie up,

The pain, that has overflowed all the way up…

Nothing will be the same as before, but…

Was it my wish to have them as before…?

Nothing will stop the need for this change, but…

Have they ever seen this need before…?

Neither they saw it yesterday, nor today…

Neither will they see it tomorrow….

For there, ends the hope to see that day,

When my own heart beats will see my sorrow. 

We will...

He is for sure only 10; but always had a deep insight into everything he witnessed. His observation skills were always a shock for me as it wasn’t always that he would let me know that he had that one side to his otherwise cheeky monkey nature. So, when things seemed too difficult to handle; I had to make my decision. By now, the I have completely given up the hope of anybody understanding the emotional roller coaster that I was  going thru. For me, it was ‘that’ moment of life where I had no come back to what I been thru all these past years. Acting happy and content seemed too impossible now.  

Finally, I opened the book in front of him, the one person that mattered the most to me. For the decision, I made in quest of my happiness, he would be the most affected one. My son, who just celebrated his bday, I had to speak to him. After a doctor’s appointment, on our way back home, at the McDonalds, in front of his father, I asked him, “Mamma wants to ask you something. What do you think about me and your dad?”

As usual, he kept on playing his game and asked, “What do you mean?”.

“Baby, what do you think of mamma and papa?”

“Hmmm, You are ok.”

Pause…I wasn’t sure what to say. His father just pushed the chair down and dashed out to his car.

The l’il one seemed to have no change of expression and continued eating food. He felt nothing new; as he had seen him cut off conversations always in a similar fashion.

Once back in the car, I asked his father on why he left the place to which he said, “There is nothing I have to tell or listen to.”

I knew, there was nothing indeed. Now, it was our son who had to listen to and talk…

“Baby, tell me, what you think of us as a family.”

“Hmm, I don’t think you both are happy together. You are not like other couples. I know you both are just acting.”

“Ok, baby, its right. We are not happy together. Amma is almost fed up with this and I cant take this any longer. Rather than living like this, I would prefer to move out; away from your father.”

“Mamma, are you gonna go away and live in another house.”

“Yes…”

“Mamma, can I come with you?”

I wasn’t too surprised to not hear him asking me to NOT TO DO IT or any such emotional pleas. He was too practical for that. I knew that by now.

“As long as you wanna be with me, you will be with me. I will not separate you from your father. This is between a husband and wife and I don’t want you to be affected in this.”

“No amma, I want to be with you genuinely. You are the one who takes care of me and looks after all my things. I will be happy with you. I will shift with you.”

It was a full stop for him. I knew it. I understood, his innocent calculation within him. Nothing emotional; he was just being practical.

As always, his father just repeated, “I have nothing to say.”

Sad….as I could hear the l’il one again,

“Mamma, when are we shifting?”

We will...

Dear Amma...

I know that I have hurt you immensely by being open about my pain. For first time ever in my life, I have been true to my own personal feelings. It might have come as a shock to you and you find it difficult to accept or agree. My mistake, that I always tried to fake my emotions; but believe me amma, it was always for to keep you away from any sorrow. You have always believed that whatever I did was for the right, then why not this time. Why are you not able to trust me and give me the chance to find happiness.

I never or would ever tell that my mother is a failure. You have been a successful mother to grow her kids in this way; that your children till date only try to ensure your happiness before their own. But as they say, nothing could be perfect. When you took care of the family, society and the public interests…you missed some small details. ‘My heart’ was one of it. Please don’t take what I am saying here as a blame or an argument…But it’s a truth I am being honest about…

My efforts to never hurt you, you misunderstood them as my happiness. Come what it be, whenever I hid any pain I had gone thru, it was always for the fear that it would hurt you. Maybe, I was immature to think so. Even when I faced the worst pain during childhood from our so-called relative, I never opened up to you and instead suffered within. The trauma that it brought to me as a child and a woman, you can never imagine. Still, finally when I had the courage to talk about it to you recently, I again tend to lighten up the topic so as to not stress you. It wasn’t bcoz I was not affected; But for me, I could bear the pain it had inflicted on me; but cud not bear to hurt you.

Today I can trust NO man and instead, I take up everything to myself. I behave like a man and does everything myself. I tried to do everything to keep you safe. I hid all the pain that I had gone through due dad’s irresponsibility or my husband’s fakeness. I felt it was better for me to handle it than put you under more pressure.

I never blamed you nor will I ever. I know that you grew up in that manner and I will not expect to see something in you that you urself has never seen. But it hurts me so badly that why am I not able to adjust and accept things that I am unhappy about, like I always did until today.

The agony I have put myself in now, the divorce procedure is not an enjoyment for me. Its an effort to bring in some peace in myself. If it was anything else, I could have got any pleasure without creating any issues to anybody. I could have lived a parallel life any time. But now, I feel, its time that I live my days without hiding, acting or adjusting.

I don’t want my son to learn that adjusting without being happy is acceptable. He should know, adjust only till the moment you are happy with it. If I am not happy, I can never keep anybody happy. I will only spoil my kid’s life. Its time for me to take care of myself and be happy. That will connect me more with the life. I am fighting a battle, with myself and with the people I care for the most. It hurts, it kills me.

I want my son to grow up into a humane human being. He should understand the value and importance of love. All that I am trying is to make him understand that and not to spoil his life. I am confident that I will do my best to bring the best out in him, ofcourse with his father’s support. And not with the fake pride he is trying to hold to show the world that all is well. All is NOT well. I am not well. I will do everything to ensure my son grows up happy and healthy and for that I should my own happiness.

U might not see what I am trying to show; but still, maybe someday. I don’t want to destroy anybody's life, neither my parents nor my husband neither mine. It took a lot of pain and courage for me to say many things in front of u all. You might never understand it, as its me who was affected. Your threshold of understanding, accepting and compromising is much higher than me, maybe. I am not saying your son-in-law is a bad person, I have never said that. But, we can never keep each other happy in its true sense. Him taking effort or me taking effort will always be temporary as it is not from heart but due force. Today or tomorrow, it will go back to what it was. I have seen him "ready to do anything" and then just flipping within days. You are seeing it just today. But the trust has been broken. Finding happiness in watching a movie or going to a restaurant is not whatI want amma. I want to be peaceful and feel no hatred within me. I have been living long with it ...for many people that came across my life. Nothing against you or anybody. But if i dont think about myself atleast now; my son will lose his mother to be a woman with no substance. I know you are worried about my future; but my future will be safe only if I am happy. I dont want to live facing disgust and hatred. For you, my words might sound meaningless, arrogant and selfish. For me, its about facing myself without fear of the world. I know, for this I will lose my whole family as I can see that. But from bottom of my heart, I am sorry for hurting you.

You don’t have to support me., but atleast try to understand me. For once, keep away all that you have learnt these years about the society and life and try to see your daughter the way she is. Today, I am not acting anymore. I am showing my sorrow, anger, frustration etc as it is. Be with me to change all this to happiness, the pure one. That’s all I need from you. Rest all the blocks and battles, I will fight. I cant fight against you, it will kill me. Please.

With lots of love...