Its time...

Its not an easy conversation. Whenever, I think of a trip to my native land, I get the shivers…Landing in that city was always running out to hug my Appups… and this time, there wud be no appups to pick me from airport nor to hug me and see me off. He had always tried to come to the airport to see me off. Though, I always asked him not to…

Now, I am in a tight situation. If I need to avoid another controversy with some close family, I would need to make up my mind and take the flight home. Close family ties are a curse at times. I never enjoyed the difficulties that came with the pleasure of having close family bondage. This was one such moment. With all heart, I wouldn’t want to do this trip. It was as if forcing down a rod through my throat. But…

Worst was to face the most feared. To see those roads, alleys and house that was my appup’s memory. Today, was not great. I value him and his words a lot. And today, he wanted me to face my fear. To visit appup’s home. The house that is just a building now. Even thinking about that cosy home now gives me tears. And he wanted me to go and visit it.

"Nooo, please, I am not ready”, I pleaded. “Please, if you care for me, please do it”, he pleaded too. “I cant, I am not ready,” I was going helpless. Tears were already overflowing and with a lump in the throat. I knew, he too couldn’t bear to see or hear me this way. But, what could I do. I was dreading the moment when I walk towards that lone house which will have a closed door and maybe loads of dry leaves all around. It was never so.

He continued, “You need to do it someday. Let it be today, so that will ease u a lot better. You will feel much better, trust me. Don’t you trust me?” I trusted him, with all heart, but…What he was asking me now was already cutting my heart apart. I wished I could scream out. I couldn’t… With tears, I wept hard, “I trust you, but I cant do it now. I cant do it all alone…” He wasn’t ready to leave the matter there, “Do you want me to come with you?”

 

I knew, he wanted to be with me when I do this trip…I also knew, he would need to make many compromises if he had to accompany me. Above all, I knew, he would happily go to any extend to be with me as I face my fear. To hold my hand and take me forward and open my eyes to reality…But, I couldn’t put him through those trouble now, when he himself was going through too much.

"No, its ok… I promise, I will go there… one day, but not this time. Pleaseee… We will travel together, next time, and will visit my appups together. I can do anything for you, but not this, atleast, not now…”

He gave in, “Ok, then we will go together…” He was calm. A storm was rolling within me and my tears couldn’t calm me yet.  “Don’t worry, we will do it together…You will be fine…” Hmmm… I will be fine…Afterall, time needs to heal my wounds, relieve my pain...and...

 

Its time…