Indebted in love…

At the hospital, I was welcomed in by my aunt, my dad’s brother and a cousin… Aunt, who was my dad’s sister who was more than his own mother for him…Her house was my paternal home. So, my attachment to her was most and she too had so much say in everything concerning me, including what I should study or what I should do next in my life…. Aunt explained the absence of uncle and it seems, he has been taken in for some tests and will take an hour atleast to be back.

It was a very jovial mood in the hospital room as aunt’s husband was much better now and would be discharged soon. With my entry, the topic shifted to ‘my dad’. ‘Did my father call’, ‘Any luck on job front’, ‘How is he doing’…etc etc. I answered with “hmm”, “yes”, “no”, “don’t know”… As it went on, the tone changed to sympathy… to my mom and me & brother… How we had to go through all this due dad’s carelessness in managing his business… I knew, the conversation was not taking a good turn… I wanted to leave…

Shockingly, my cousin took over the conversation…Like the Head of our family, he started giving me instructions… “Tell your father to NEVER EVER come back here. Tell him to be there only and work in as a street vendor or anything of that sort. Don’t dream about big Managerial jobs. Just find something and stick On… After all these problems, still he cant put down his pride… What we should be doing is ‘give him a smack’ and put him straight….”

I didn’t know what was happening. My father had been always selfless and I have seen him limitlessly helping every single person who had ever asked for his help – be it emotional or financial. When this man was going through hell in his life, I have seen him at my home and my parents supporting him with all heart like they would do to own son. And today, he was spitting venom about his own uncle, who was equivalent to his father… and that too in the presence of elders who atleast had an authority to say anything about my father…

I heard my uncle stopping him from talking further. I was weak and could say nothing. What can I say afterall. I wished to shout back at him for all that he said about my dad. Whatever be it, he was my dad and HE HAD NO AUTHORITY TO TALK LIKE THAT… I was angry at my aunt too on why she let this man talk ill about my father. I wanted to scream, shout, cry… I did nothing, just got up and said, “I am leaving”… For then, my fear was what if my mother come in then and had to listen to this @#$&*… She was expected to reach anytime. I had to rush out…

As I walked out, my uncle came behind me. For the first time in my life, he hugged me…tight…holding my head close to his chest…he gently spoke as if to console me… “Its ok mole, everything will be alright. You don’t feel sad. He is an idiot and just talks out silly. Don’t put it into your heart. Forget it. Brother is going to be fine and you all will happy soon.” It was something that I have never expected. This man who was just my father’s brother till that day, suddenly became so close to my heart…

We looked at each other’s eyes filled with tears and I walked out of that room…I had added one more person into my list of people I would be indebted to. I started loving him as my own. He was not just a relative anymore and was someone who would be in my prayers…It was a beginning…of a new relation…a new bond…There on, he was there for us, with us, during all the hard times and good times. Atleast, that was when I was realising that he has been always there…

Its been more than 15 years since that evening… Me, my family fought a very tough battle and today, we have regained our strength and started living with our heads up… I and my uncle share a very close bond… I made sure that I was always there for him during his tough days too... Today, he is with me for a 30days vacation. It was more of a Thank you from me and my brother to him and his silent love and care for us…For that hug and tears he shared with me on that evening…We are trying our best to give him all the happiness during this holidays…taking him all around the country….After all, can we ever pay back what we gain in love…we cant…we will always be…

Indebted in love…

To give up…

As a wife, my mother never knew anything. Dad never liked his family getting involved into official matters. He was born in the old generation and followed the traditional orthodox mentality where wife live with what husband provided; be it was the most meagre things. My mother never had to complain as dad provided her with all luxury; something that she had never seen until her wedding. So, neither was she matured enough to see the downfall of my father’s business empire. Even during the toughest days, he made sure that his wife and kids had the best.

Today, we realise, and regret…if only we had our eyes open to see things as it was happening. Maybe, many things that happened in our life wouldn’t have happened the way it did. Past is past…

Finally, my dad decided to step out; in search of that one saving stone. For all the love he had for his mother land and all the enthusiasm he had about living in ones own ground…Exhausted and disappointed that he couldn’t live up to his own dreams…He had stepped out of his home, his country… For a miracle…to save him, his family and above all, his lost pride…

The days just dragged on. None of us ever spoke to each other about how we are. Maybe, the silence between us was the answer to that. Its been months dad has flown out… No positive news from dad. Every phone call was answered with hope and ended with disappointment. We were three souls in a two storeyed house; all in their own rooms mostly. We all tried acting all is well, but… the truth prevailed. We were not OK. 

Though, I was a teenager, I still knew nothing about the intensity of the issues our family was facing. But, I knew, if mom had to say that… it was not ok… By then, I was getting used to telephone calls in search of dad, complaints about his delay in paying back debts and so on. Most visitors at home were those who dad owed money. With awe, I realised, many regular people who used to be in and out of our home like my dad’s shadow were nowhere in sight. I was growing up from a silly girl to a matured lady. 

That day, I was on my way to the hospital to pay my uncle a visit...He has been sick for few days now. Though he was my paternal aunt's husband, he was like a father to me. So I used to visit him every day... The phone rang and I waited with eager ears for any signs of happiness. Few minutes thru and I walked to my mom's half closed door just to stop short to my mom's whimper. All I heard was, “Can't we all just die together?”…

Tears trickling down, I stepped out of the house. If there was anything that I did not want that moment… was not to let my mom see me so… Were things that bad? Was it that late that we cant revive all that was lost? Has dad given up on his courage? Not knowing anything was better than knowing something…and here I was, knowing little and not knowing a lot…Was it already time…

To give up...

Where are you...

There is this star that I gaze up at almost every day… I know, I am an idiot to think that it is the same star that I am seeing every night. But I started even going out late in the night in the pretext of ‘evening walk’ and then look up for the little star shining up there… It was positioned up in the sky to my right on a 45 degree slant.

It has been a routine now for some time. Strangely, every time I look up, I would see him there. I would say Hello and imagine his return response and then I would go on to talk about how he is doing and so on… Tears would trickle thru my cheek every time I did this. As I knew, I was just trying to fool myself on an existence of something that was not real. I knew, I was not being realistic.

For, in that star, I was trying to see my grandpa, My appups… Not a day has passed where I have not wished I could hear his voice once again. I wished he would tease me “Mole…you are an idiot”… I have been feeling so down that, why didn’t I record his talks to me to listen to it when I yearn to hear him. In my phone, I have his voice messages for my son and even my ex-boss; but not for me.

He never sent voice messages for me. Instead, he would give a ring and talk to me every time he wanted to say something. Everytime he missed me, he would call me and say, “Mole, I called because I didn’t hear your voice for long time…” Is he not missing me now? Is he not feeling to talk to me? Or is he happy by just listening to my voice and doesn’t deem necessary to let me hear his. I am tired of just talking to him…

He had this naughty look on him whenever he gossiped or said something cheeky… At times, I wouldn’t even understand that he was making fun of me and like a fool I would listen to it…Then he would burst out into his naughty laughter. When we play games; be it snakes and ladder or cards…he would do all sort of dramas to act as if hes showing magic and then try to cheat… When he was caught red-handed, he would sheepishly smile as if he knew nothing about it.

Walking was never my forte. I would always avoid walking even the least distance as I felt it was strenuous. In short, Exercising was not my baby. But he was not so. Walking was always in his daily routine and the distance that he would walk with the energy from start to end, I never could cope with it. I used to hate it, when he suggest, lets walk…I wish I could walk with him in real. Just go on talking and gossiping. To play another round of Snake and ladder or cards. To see him cheating and tease him for that. “Appuppa, why did you leave me so early. There were lots to be taken care of. Lot of things to be sorted out. Lots to be gossiped. Why did you go…”…

When I see this star and imagine it is him up there… I talk loudly…”Appuppaaa…how r u…r u ok…I am fine…”… Both of us know what I said last was a lie. I would try to imagine that he is walking beside me… Then I would purposefully try to come out of this imagination and acting to be not real. I would just blank my mind out and walk the remaining distance. All those distance that I have never walked with him, I am walking these days…

But today…today was not a great day. I didn’t see him up there. He was hiding. Or did he go somewhere, I don’t know. I yearningly searched him all over the sky. I called out to him, pleaded for him to just come out atleast once. He wouldn’t, I don’t know why. I would suddenly feel happy when I see a small flickering light and would feel helpless when I realise it was just a passing aeroplane. Today’s dust storm has hidden him somewhere up there.

Or is he purposefully doing this to me. Does he feel that I am stupid to believe that he is the one who I am talking to… Is he trying to tell me that I am an idiot to look for him up there. Somebody recently said, “You are looking for him up there because you doesn’t believe that he is right beside you.” Is it so, Appuppa. I don’t know…I know nothing. All I know is that today, I am terribly upset as I couldn’t see him. It is as if I am forced to break a routine…

Where are you…

NB: Its been two months, since you left me; for ever. But it seems like more than 20 years that I haven't seen you and it hurts, terribly...Will I ever grow out of this pain, I don't know and I know nothing...