Why NOW when never before...

There has been a cut off since sometime between me and my support systems…The hands that held me close whenever I was about to fall…What and Why? I have no answer. But it’s just that I felt they are no longer there or they were not the same as before. Now, who is wrong here, I can’t say. But naturally, most of us feel and believe that “I am right, hence I say so”… and I am no different from those normal people; nothing extraordinary that I would think about the other’s perspective before getting into conclusions.

 

Its not that I am being judgmental here, but then, I wanted that support so much and I didn’t have it… Comparing the present to the past, was all that was required to justify my thoughts. But I knew I would never be able to put my point across to make anybody understand. As I knew that their thought process believed I am wrong and to be blamed. I know, I am not an expressive person; but then I never was. My question was only one… Especially, when I am already holding a bucket of my own pleas and complaints.
 

I know, I was being a child here. When I was a fighter to the world around, it was only to very few eyes and ears that I could be a child. Cry and smile the way I wanted. Get pampered or expect to be accepted inspite of all the silly pranks I did. But, today suddenly, everything is changed. The one who made me feel like the apple of the eye, suddenly started behaving as if I was the pain in the eye. The circumstances and situations around me, neither helped much and only worsened the feelings. The feeling of “Unwanted”.

Today, I know, I am cutting off myself; from everything and anything around me, even from them. The shield that I had all around me; which had an open door for my support system; is no longer open. The gap I kept open is closing and I can see that. I have started losing hope on them ‘too’. Maybe I am wrong, but I feel and like to believe I am justified…After all, I am hurt. I was hurt and I wanted support and was deprived of it… by my very own support system…Now, all my mind asks me to do is to "Stay safe from getting hurt"...So,

“My dear Support, this I want to let you know that maybe hereafter, if I miss a step, I would prefer falling off rather than looking for you as the pain would be much lesser… This is my battle between my inner self and you…Tomorrow, if my eyes seem blank to you, understand, its stopped looking for you…if my ears seem deaf to you, understand, its stopped hoping for you…if my hands keep distance with you, understand, its stopped expecting for you”

Still I wonder, “Why NOW when never before”…