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Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Just for the sake of it...

Its been really long time I haven’t posted anything…even if I had drafted couple of posts in a word document…they were safely saved into a personal folder in my desktop…why didn’t I post them, not sure…maybe I was just too lazy…
 
I have posted some lines that actually came out of my mouth while talking to a friend…it was for fun sake…as I had this habit of unnecessarily adding on words and making up something stupid….that day, almost an year back, he said something about loneliness and I went on…Idea was to cheer him up with my silly lyrics…
 
But he had saved them…again…just for the sake of it…and he advised me that day that I should think about jotting down such instant words that I say … and then see if it makes any sense…hehe!!! Indeed, it made no sense for me…but he felt it was nice, if I could work on it and maybe create something beautiful out of it…I couldn’t, all I could or can is always, just talk the heart out…
 
But was I actually doing that? Was I talking my heart out…I was…but I noticed, my character was changing at a very intense pace…into a very rough mode… temper shot out like a bullet from a gun…I was finding it difficult to control my anger and the compulsive behavior…If I wanted something the way I wanted, I went on and on and on…and I realized, I was hurting many around me…including my beautiful son…and many others who actually cared for me…
 
Even when I shivered in anger or temper, I knew I was not right…still I couldn’t make myself to calm down and rectify my mistake before it turned grave…So it became a regular affair. I would get angry and get into this Compulsive disorder and then after everything I would get sooo upset that I would be in all depression for causing that pain to the other person…The victim was mostly my little son and that’s what made me all the more depressed. I knew, I was doing wrong…all wrong to that little heart. He might be wondering and confused seeing his mother’s anger and the exact opposite behavior after some time…
 
I started this post just for the sake of writing something…but now I realize that there is so much that I wanna talk about. I started off with the lines my own lines that my friend had saved for me. But there was much more, within my heart that is saved there. It needs to be taken out from my heart and put into order and then to work on it. To repent or rectify, I think its time for me to do a self-analysis and see why it is happening the way it is…Wish me luck, as I know, its not an easy job…gonna be extremely tedious and close to impossible.
 
But I should do it, before it is too late…atleast just for the sake of it…

2 comments:

B. said...

heyyyyyyyyyyyy... where you gone , no posts for a long long time ..

remember me :)

see you soon tooo, I have also come here after more than a year ..

Bikram

just4you1 said...

thoughts of are a great certainty in a great uncertainty. Your memories are all I've, and those are all I need,.....for a calm death!