Fine or not Fine?

“I am Fine, I am not…I am ok, I am not…”… Since past few days, this argument is ongoing within myself… Since the last blow I got, I had learned to live in the new style, life has put me into… My whole routine had changed… I was getting calm and busy, but this time I was busy in a happy content way… How much pressure was building up within me, I don’t know… but still I was fine…Yes, I was…

 

As the days were passing by, the only concern was how to take care of the big inevitable problem that would naturally come up in such situations…By now, I have realised where my calmness was hiding all these years…Here, I discovered the reality that I am enjoying the days without the pressures of the external politics…On the other side, the problem was growing up, putting people around me too in difficulty. I know, I might sound toooo strange and weird and confusing here…But then, I feel like keep those problems with me for the time being…

 

Anyways, to come out of this problem, I had to naturally step out…Step out of the calm life I have been living since past few months… Finally, I got my solution today…Everybody is happy…everybody means, every single person around me… I wondered, if anybody saw what was it that was going on within me because by then the argument within had started… The thought of leaving the calmness I had finally started experiencing was actually not a good feeling, I suppose…

 

Yes, I was happy that now I could take care of the mounting problem that would have put others in trouble. But that meant, I have to sacrifice my personal comfort zone and that was not a happy thought either…So what is it that I am feeling exactly…How I wish, I could just erase everything off and just believe, Yesssss, I am happpyyyyyy…but, its not the case…Hope the coming days will give me an answer to this push-pull question…

 

Fine or Not Fine…

'What others would think' Syndrome...

As a grownup, it is expected from us adults to behave with maturity and seriousness to life. Not to forget the intelligence that is expected to be used. Hmmmm!!! Recently, I am going through some serious guilty consciousness due this unexplained expectation of maturity…Ok, I am guilty, for expecting my little kid to act and behave the way I want him to… When we are dealing with our children. Why is it that we expect from them the same maturity that we expect to show at different situations? I do wonder, if I was right by being strict with my son on how he should behave or how he should talk or how he should think and what not. Still, I am not able to stop myself from behaving so again…

Frankly speaking, I know and I am 100% sure that my son is way above many of the other kids of his own age group. He is intelligent, smart and very loving. At the same time, I always complain to him that he has got an ass that never can touch the chair. He keeps jumping up and down, running around and above all, his hands never stay calm. It irritates me so much, especially when we are outside. I keep telling him to be responsible, not forgetful and take care of his own things. Remember, he is only 7 years old.

He builds geometrical shapes and designs with the spoons, forks and knives arranged at a Restaurant table and I scream “NOOOO, behaaaaveee!!!” He prefer sprinting like a Kangaroo rather than walking and I ask him “Is this the way I am walking? Walk properly”… He sings completely silly lyrics and I reprimand him “Don’t spoil the song, if you cant sing properly”…He keeps practicing his Karate on my poor dad and mom, but when he is outside the house, he happily takes all the punches others give and I ridicule, “Where did your karate skills go. Were you scared of that li'l kid”…

Am I right or wrong? I have a big NO as an answer to my own question, but still I am not able to control myself from doing it. Every time, he runs or jumps around, I screams…and he would carelessly say, “OK, OK!!!” … I know, for him I am his Supermom…but he still hates me screaming at him for things that he might be feeling is silly. What can I do? I feels so stupid to be so vulnerable to such a behaviour which even I detest…

Wish I could be one of those sweet mother, who let her kid do whatever they want…Ouww, the thought itself makes me go crazy… Why? Maybe, because I too became a social being? Bcoz I started worrying more about what others might think or say about my kid? What if somebody else would think my kid is not a good boy… With grief, I realise, I too am a victim of ‘What others would think’ syndrome. This was something, I always fought with my mom for …Whenever she tried controlling me for the sake of the society and people around us… and now I have just fallen into the same Category…hmm…

My dear son, all I wanna let you know is that I love you a lot… I know, you are just a kid and a very good kid too...Your mom too is trying to be a good mom, but then fail at times… But I will keep trying…atleast to grow you up to a Gentleman who is not infected by this crazy disease…

 ‘What others would think’ Syndrome… 

Beware of those eyes!!!

She detested him. She couldn’t explain why. Just that she knew, something in him was not right and what was it, she was too immature to make anybody understand. She smiled, laughed, played with the world. It was fun, but still she was not happy that he was around. Her heart wished deep within, what if he never existed. She knew the love he showed was not what it seemed to be. If it was, then why he behaved different in the light and different in the dark. In her imaginations, he always had horns and thick white teeth which shined in the dark. He was a devil of the dark. With every sunset, she dreaded him coming for her. To hurt her? To kill her? Or to take her somewhere far away from her loved ones.

She never felt she wanted to live forever. But neither had she wanted the devil to decide what should happen to her. She was sure about that. Nights became sleepless, days became the dull lazy moments. To sleep meant to hide herself within the folds of blanket as if tightly tied up. She compared herself to an Egyptian Mummy. She fancied herself to be one of those beautiful queens dead and wrapped with white clothes and preserved for the years to come. At times, she wandered her home imagining herself to be a ghost. She was indeed floating around and whenever she crossed a mirror; she mimicked a ghost face and sound like one of those she had seen in movies. Her imaginations knew no boundaries.

She grew up thus. She never felt safe with the devil somewhere near to pounce on her any time. The devil tried luring her towards him. A safe distance, that’s all she wanted from him. She grew up seeing his evil face and actions. True, she was hurt many times and those stayed as wounds in her which could never be treated or healed. She became over protective about people around her too. For she felt, the devil following her would be following others too and she could never let any of her loved ones get hurt.

Thus came that day. They were all having a long drive. Her mind was not feeling safe as usual. After all she was under the sharp surveillance of the devil’s eyes and she could sense it. She made sure to stay in bright light and with people around who could safeguard her. Devil’s attack only when alone; she believed so.

The car came to a halt. This was where her body relaxed, mind cleansed, heart sanctified and above all safety prevailed. It was the lord almighty’s abode. With prayers voiced from her hurt heart and shivering lips, she walked towards her lord. She got pushed and pulled by the crowd around her. She was just steps away from her final destination.

But, why was she feeling uncomfortable suddenly. Something was not right. She could sense it; somewhere very close; closer than she could even imagine. The presence of the devil and she was caught off guard. Before she could even think on the strategies for her safety; the hell was right behind her. He was all over her; thirsty for her and was hurting her in high spirits. She wanted to cry out loud for help; but she knew her voice would just drown in that crowd. She turned herself and for the first time ever; she faced him face to face, eye to eye and stared at him. She was hurt to the core; but it was fire that sparked from her eyes and it was burning him and his thirsty eyes. She saw the devious smile of the devil as he slowly retreated back into the crowd away from her view.

Angry and hurt; she turned to look at her lord with eyes that had questions for him. Tears trickled like rain and found its way down the cheek. She wanted to cry out loud; but she knew, nobody would understand her, nor could she explain herself. When the one who knew everything could give no answer to her, what better she could expect from others. She wept her heart out.

But with time; she experienced a new change. The devil was still around but this time, it was his turn to be cautious and scared. It was a revelation, “his courage had been shaken by the fire from her eyes and he knew that if he tried hurting her again; it meant his end”. The mask of goodness that he wore in the day light stayed firm in front of her. He knew that was best for him, maybe. She had finally won a battle she was fighting for years now. The wounds healed slowly; but the scars remains…And the scars reminded her again and again that this world is not what it might look like. The face in front of you might not be as innocent as it looks. The words that you hear might not be as true as it sounds. The actions that you experience might not be as soft as it feels.

To all the devils in the world; remember one thing. Some day you would face an eye which would emit the Fire hot enough to burn you down and make your existence disappear from this world. So, try changing yourself; if not….

Beware of those eyes!!!

NB: Kindly note that all characters and incidents in this are not creations of imagination. Any similarity to anybody or anything is purely purposeful. It may or may not have connections to the author or acquaintances of the author... hehe!!!

Will I ever grow up?

Was watching an Ad of a baby soap and an odd thought came into my mind. “Why babies grow”. Infact, when I had my baby, I had once told my mom that I wish my baby never grew up and always stayed a baby (Oops, she didnt enjoy the idea). But, will a child have the same opinion about growing up? Naaa, atleast I never did.

Adulthood is something that every kid dream of…I doubt if there would be any child who wouldn’t wish if they could be one among the ‘grown-up’ category. As a child I always used to feel, how easy it was to be an adult and thought it was great torture to be a child. I remember having constant arguments with my mother on almost everything I was not happy about.

Still remember, the day my mom gave me a ray of hope of freedom. It was one of those dreaded middle school days. An argument every morning with mom was a common scene on school days. Every day, before going to school, I was made to stand on the second row of the corridor steps; with mom standing behind me on the first row. Purpose was to plait my hair into two sides. As expected, I hated it. My school never allowed fashion; still I wished; if and only if mom would plait my hair in loose ties or different fashion etc.

But, my mom was always the same. Everyday morning, she would pull my hair together so tightly that till evening, not a single hair would come out of the plaits. And the way she pulled on my hair, was as if she had some sort of enemity against me. If I show my anger, she would pull it much harder. Haaa…

On one such day, I blurted out. “How I wish I could do whatever I want”. And there my mother goes with a statement that I treasured in my heart for years… “You can do whatever you want after you turn 18”… Thus, turning 18 was something that I started praying for. Little did I know the truth then…

Years passed by and I grew too. Today, I am an adult and a mother of child. I can see myself in him, whenever he say, “Mom, you never let me do what I want. Its always what you like.” I always think, how the cycle of life revolves and we end up seeing ourselves from a different perspective. Years back, I complained to my mom and today I am listening to my child’s complaint as a mother. If I try analyzing ‘who is better – me or my mom’…hehe!!!

OKKKK, now this was not what I was thinking or wanted to discuss. I was actually thinking about Adulthood and was it as beautiful as a child think it is. Many things that happen in life, makes me think….Why the hell I grew up…and that lead me to my past when I used to wish to be a BIGGGG GIRL…And now that I am a BIGGGG Girl…(cough cough, Woman)…I am wishing I could go back to my childhood…

All you kids who think its all green at this end; please remember, “Its not easy to be an adult. Infact its not even cool to be one of us. Enjoy your moments now. Make as many memorable sweet moments of childhood because you gonna have only those memories to keep you going years later when you might be arguing with your own child”…

Ironically, I am an adult today, grown up, a mother and a wife…But, am I sad or happy that I am no longer a child. Sarcastically, I still fight with my mom…and it irritates me so much whenever she scolds me or say…“Don’t think you have grown-up enough that you can do whatever you want”. What am I? A Child or a grown up or somewhere in the middle...Godddddd!!!!!

Will I ever grow up?

Bring it onnnn...

If I am asked to define “My Life”… I have a very apt picture to explain it…

“Life is a Battlefield and myself a warrior fighting; not to conquer but survive”

But the recent blow has left me with some serious wounds… I need medicines and God’s blessings to come out of it without much permanent disabilities. Never saw it coming, but, now I have accepted the reality…Adjusted to this life, a new life that I am experiencing now… not that bad, unless I think of all the difficulties that is at the end of this period…

These days had to come, for me to realize what it is that I needed… it was “Rest”. True, its been years now that I have been fighting many battles to survive. I had learnt in my life that only the bravest could survive and Darwin’s theory proved right for me, “Survival of the Fittest”. I fought thru many phases of my life and I was tired. But never knew it, till now when I actually got some time to rest…

But then, too much rest leads to laziness and then the mind starts getting empty…Empty enough for more thoughts to come in and it wouldn’t take much time to be a Devil’s workshop…I am seeing those days too, when my thoughts go sooo wild and horrid that I end up getting into a depressive mode. Unfortunately, as always, I cant show it out, bcoz a change in mode means a change in many connective links… The moment I let such a negative thought win over me, no theories can help me anymore and this was something that life had taught me.

Now the irony of it all... I know that myself getting adjusted or acquainted to these days is not a good sign. I can already see why…Yes, I am getting sooooooo used to it, that I am loving it and is now dreading going back to the battle field which I had temporarily left due bruises. I cant avoid the going back…If not today, tomorrow I should go back bcoz the battle is not yet over… Maybe it has to go for more time for which an end date is not yet confirmed. I know, as of now I am tired and needs rest so that I can revive myself and go back with double the strength.

Ok, let me put all those thoughts off. For time being, I prefer staying calm and regain my lost energy and confidence. Just hope and pray that whenever I go back, I go back in the best of my spirits and power and the next come back be after I have won the most important battle. I hope for a peaceful life after that final battle.

Somebody told me that he is the master of his life and live it the way he wants and never plan anything and just face it as it comes. Good for him, atleast no disappointments due disrupted plans or broken expectations. I too wish I could take life unprepared. I doubt if I can ever do that, but still I will try to control myself from making any more advance calculations, lol!!! Atleast for time being “No more plannings or no more road maps”…

So, my dear life… this is all I have got to tell you…

Bring it onnnnnnn!!!

Nothing is Permanent...

Whenever we take a new step in life, it seems to be a new hope…a new phase, a new beginning… If we go back to the past of this blog… it is very evident that I wrote a lot when I was going thru one of the most terrible period…Let me say, not the worst, still psychologically a tough period. But then, in a day, my life changed and I was floating in peace…inspite of all the explosions or riots that happened around me, I was still at peace…I was calm and my mind was free to just go in the flow…

Thus I realized, I can blog only when I am in pressure… and in tht new phase, the pressure was lesser than the required level for blogging…lol!!! But then, years later…it has happened…all of a sudden, at one moment, I was pushed back into a whirlpool…and I am trying to actually first get hold of the ground or something to hang on…Only then can I start thinking, how to come out of this or should I just let go off…

Life is indeed strange. We make plans for a future that we are not sure of. I too did. I thought, or believed that the calmness that was over me was permanent and I can stride thru life just like a cool breeze. I had this idiotic belief that, NOW, nothing can go wrong. I made plans…plans that spread for many years ahead. I assured those who were around me, that I am there for them. I will be there for them. But now, today, I wonder…When I am not even sure of whats gonna happen to those plans I had, how am I gonna be there for those who think I wud be there…

We say, "see you soon" whenever we bid goodbye…What make u say that? The belief that you are gonna be alive till that next meeting, but… When you borrow money, you say, “will give it to you by next month”, but…When you plan the future of your kids, you say, “This is good for you”, but…

Ok, so, eventhough I am not depressed, I am worried. I am not upset for the change in my life’s phase, but I am angry at the circumstances. I am not thinking what next, but I am wondering why I am not thinking. I can see, in front of me is all those road map that I had planned and set with the over confidence I had…I thought, nothing gonna happen till I achieve the goals. I will be safe, but now... I am not. 

It feels as if I am there, "Standing in the middle of the world’s busiest road, not knowing, should I run to my left or the right or just stand here". I gotta take a decision and that too soon before I loose control of all the ends of the strings I am holding on to. Yes, I have too many strings to take care of and I can or should never forget that...

No worries, this too will pass…I have seen worser days, and I have come out of it victoriously…I have come thru much difficult phases…I have fought bigger battles…I have swam much deeper oceans…And during all those moments, God had sent me angels… and their hands helped me come out of all of them…I am sure, this time too, God will send an Angel…as always a new one, a new revelation in a different form…As I realize, even the angels that come in for my help are not same, they too change…Am I not right, when I say…

Nothing is permanent!!!

Just for the sake of it...

Its been really long time I haven’t posted anything…even if I had drafted couple of posts in a word document…they were safely saved into a personal folder in my desktop…why didn’t I post them, not sure…maybe I was just too lazy…

 

I have posted some lines that actually came out of my mouth while talking to a friend…it was for fun sake…as I had this habit of unnecessarily adding on words and making up something stupid….that day, almost an year back, he said something about loneliness and I went on…Idea was to cheer him up with my silly lyrics…

 

But he had saved them…again…just for the sake of it…and he advised me that day that I should think about jotting down such instant words that I say … and then see if it makes any sense…hehe!!! Indeed, it made no sense for me…but he felt it was nice, if I could work on it and maybe create something beautiful out of it…I couldn’t, all I could or can is always, just talk the heart out…

 

But was I actually doing that? Was I talking my heart out…I was…but I noticed, my character was changing at a very intense pace…into a very rough mode… temper shot out like a bullet from a gun…I was finding it difficult to control my anger and the compulsive behavior…If I wanted something the way I wanted, I went on and on and on…and I realized, I was hurting many around me…including my beautiful son…and many others who actually cared for me…

 

Even when I shivered in anger or temper, I knew I was not right…still I couldn’t make myself to calm down and rectify my mistake before it turned grave…So it became a regular affair. I would get angry and get into this Compulsive disorder and then after everything I would get sooo upset that I would be in all depression for causing that pain to the other person…The victim was mostly my little son and that’s what made me all the more depressed. I knew, I was doing wrong…all wrong to that little heart. He might be wondering and confused seeing his mother’s anger and the exact opposite behavior after some time…

 

I started this post just for the sake of writing something…but now I realize that there is so much that I wanna talk about. I started off with the lines my own lines that my friend had saved for me. But there was much more, within my heart that is saved there. It needs to be taken out from my heart and put into order and then to work on it. To repent or rectify, I think its time for me to do a self-analysis and see why it is happening the way it is…Wish me luck, as I know, its not an easy job…gonna be extremely tedious and close to impossible.

 

But I should do it, before it is too late…atleast just for the sake of it…