My thoughts, my emotions, my feelings, my imaginations, my opinions, my fears, my dreams...

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Follow me in this Journey of Revelation and encourage me with your valuable opinions and comments...

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

A Fresh New Day...


As I step into this new fresh minute,
With prayers for better moments…
I, so wish and pray to almighty god
My heart’s notions be made broad…

As I step into this new fresh day,
With hopes for better tomorrows…
I, so hope and yearn to supreme being
My thoughts don’t seek ways for fleeing…

As I step into this new fresh year,
With promises for a better future…
I, so desire and aspire to the divinity
My life be with me as a sweet affinity…

Sunday, August 19, 2018

More to go...


I always believe and remind my son that the divorce was between a husband and wife and his parents will still stand together for all his needs. I kept trying to cover-up for all the short-falls his father continued doing even at this stage of life. I still ensured to remind his father on how to be a good father and how to build their relation. It is a sad truth that it never came from his heart.

I always believed in incorporating all family values in him. That day, as we were checking in for our return flight, I dialled his paternal grandmother for him to talk to her. She never had much to talk. It was always a formality conversation with her unless there was something that she had to be bitter about. Their conversation didn’t last long, as usual, my son said his regular Hi – How r u -  questions and then heard him saying SHE IS HERE. I WILL ASK HER TO CALL YOU.

As we crossed security, he mentioned that his grandmother wanted to speak to me and I should call her back. Though, I always considered her as my mother, somehow she could never do that. For sure, I knew this was where her son got his selfish characteristics. Hence, I knew well that a conversation with her would never be pleasant. Still, not wanting my son to feel bad, I made the call at the boarding gates. My heart was beating fast.

Hello…

Hello Amma.

Ohhhhhhh, Madammm… Why are you going so fast. Why are you not staying in that house? You took that house in your name, aaaaalllll for yourself? Why don’t you stay there for many days? You have already done the exorcism to remove the spirit from your life…

What Spirit, Amma! [It hurt, knowing the spirit she meant was my husband or should I say ex-husband].

Why don’t you stay there for many days?

No Amma, I have things to be done…

You have terminated your partner from his job. You can live in that house all for yourself. You don’t have to bother about him anymore. You got the house in your name. Although it was always in your name. Still. You should have stayed long. Now the boy who I got after praying hard to get a boy child has become an orphan. He lost his father and his mother. I wanted him for my things. But now, I don’t need him anymore.

She had a few more harshness to spit and then the call got disconnected from the other end with a Thank you Madam.

I didn’t expect anything better. I always knew that thru this process, her only worry was the losing of the house that I had built on bank loans all around me. During the bargain, his son wanted a share of the house with ZERO obligations on the loan that I had to pay for next 20years. I was fine to give off the house as a whole with no compensation for me if he was ready to take up the loan responsibilities. But he preferred a profit in it and expected to own it without paying for it. I denied and hence the house still stayed under my ownership - the only one asset I had. So she was mainly showing her displeasure of losing an asset - a physical property - A house. 

No surprised. But her talking about my son, really hurt me. I had to clarify few things, but to his father and not her. Hence, I called him,

“I understand amma is hurt. But no one else is hurt as much as me. Please remind her that our son has not lost his parents. As long as my son needs me, I will be there for him. As long as you wanna be with him, I will never stop you either. Please make your mother understand this much.”

As always, he argued that his mother will never say such things. I was relieved that this time I had the conversation recorded (a process I started doing since the day she had first called to abuse me over my decision). When I mentioned that I can give him proof, he changed tones. “Maybe, mom said something. But she forgot.” Isnt it strange that people can forget things within minutes. Good for her.

The journey back was quiet. My son who was watching and over hearing the conversation felt bad too. All he said was, “Amma, I am sorry for making you call her. If she doesn’t need me,  I will never go there again.”

“No baby, he is your grandmother. She is now upset with amma. That’s why. If your father wants to take you there, you should go happily. They are also part of your family.”

At age 10, how much could he understand, I don’t know. Regretting with all heart that I had to put him thru this mess, I consoled him.

But atleast, that call was end of another relation too. A one-sided mother daughter relation…

More to go…

Thursday, August 16, 2018

And the search begin…


So, a trip to my home town again. This time to finalise a decision that was made after much thoughts.

Deep inside, I kept wondering, should I or should I not. The weak heart of mine kept feeling to give up and just adjust to the life I was living for years. Afterall, it was risk free. I just had to get tortured within and suffer alone in silence. Or… don’t give up… earn your happiness through the tough road. Lots of hardships to face, lots of risk… but atleast the relief that at the end of the day, I was not sharing my bed with a stranger…

I thought of him. With me gone for ever, he would be alone. Felt bad… felt sad. Am I wrong to do that? But then, was he even feeling this pain? Was he ever comfortable with my presence around? If yes, he would have in these years tried to see me as I am. Wouldn’t he have changed his selfish nature, the least bit, to bring in harmony in the relation. For a matter, I realised that for past 12+ years, this sympathy for him was what made me stay in a relation that was DEAD and was never alive.

But, everytime I made a compromise feeling sympathetic towards, he did something to make me regret it. He had this innate talent to make me realise that I was wrong in trying to forgive and forget and above all to compromise. He believed, come what may… I will be silent and will cope till the end… for it is a MARRIAGE and DIVORCE was not an acceptable process in our culture or particularly in our family. He was wrong.

His own ways made me strong enough to think above the sympathy. Sympathy is not what we need in a marriage. Love, respect, dependency, trust, care and empathy. Unfortunately, our marriage lacked every factor and it was all a façade for both of us. If it was for his pride that he stood in it, my son and parent’s happiness made me cope. But as they say, everything has a limit. When I finally broke the threshold of my limits, I erupted. With no emotions to supress me down, I broke down in front of my family.

As expected, with zero support, I went ahead with my decision. If anything that kept putting me in dilemma, it was the sympathy I had for that man which he somehow managed to slap my face immediately to wake me up to his real self, the selfish self-centered self.

It was painful. Extremely painful. Still, I bear the pain for I know that this relation was nothing less than a punishment for both of us. A seven hours wait at the court, made me watch scenes that I would never want to again witness. Some fought for their freedom while the other stayed adamant not to. People cried on their life and some smiled. It was a miserable seven hours indeed. Those moments, I prayed, may no other two wrong people be tied together to end up in this place. May all marriages be made in heaven and see only heaven.

The seven hours of waiting was long, but finally when we were summoned to the court, everything ended in less than 7 minutes. Nothing much to argue or bargain – Just two questions. All financial transactions are settled  - YES. Do you want to re-think – NO. The bell rang.

Wondering what to do, I was slowly nudged to exit. With pounding hearts I walked out, I was no longer married. Not able to stay within its nest, tears trickled. Trying to stop it only made it worse. I could see him as always walking off emotionless, as always with a smile. I knew nothing. I was finally free. I no longer had to act a happy married life. I can be myself.

Yes, I can. I need to be. More than quarter of my life, I have lived putting up an act of being happy. Now that I have let everybody know that I was never happy, it is time to work on it. I need to bring in the happiness that I had purposefully ignored all my life.

It’s a new beginning, a new phase, a new life that I am stepping in to… In pursuit of my peace, my content, my happiness…

And the search begin…

Thursday, June 28, 2018

Brand new Clory...


Brand new me… hehe!!! Learning some scientific theories the hard way can actually cause your life… I learnt it by risking my own life. When people knew, all gasped, ARE YOU MAD? But, in real, very few knew that such thing could happen.

Ok, so the story goes on like this. My aunt who was on a visit returned back home town two weeks back. Since then, I was planning to do my type of house cleaning. Now, my type cleaning meant a complete makeover of the room, literally moving around the furniture and cleaning every bit of the room atleast three times. My recently developed OCD for this cleanliness was already killing me. But this time, it sure missed by luck….

So on D-day, I wasted the whole morning lazying around and mentally putting the cleaning task for next week. By, 4pm, some energy struck me and I started the cleaning spree. Dusting, sweeping, mopping – one after another, I cleaned every nook and corner. With Dettol, I mopped the whole floors one last time. Now was the time for the two bathrooms.

The OCD in me started acting. In anticipation for the perfect shining floors, I splashed a can of harpic all around the bathrooms followed by a shower of Clorox. Happily ever after…. I cleaned the guest toilet and proceeded to clean the master bathroom.

By then, my son was back from his Karate class. I instructed him to sit on the sofa without walking around or getting into the toilet to avoid mess. With my cleaning weapons, I got into the bathroom, closing the bedroom door behind me. Intention was to clean the bathroom and then take a shower to finish off the cleaning process.

As I started scrubbing the floors with all my enthusiasm, I slowly started choking and coughing. “Ha, it’s the Clorox.” I left the bathroom door open as the bedroom door was anyways closed. As time passed by, the coughing got severe. I felt dizziness. Its all just fragments of my imagination. Its all in the mind. I am fine.

Thus, I continued my cleaning. In 20minutes, I was almost falling off. Not able to withstand the pressure anymore, I quickly washed off the bathroom and took a quick shower. I felt like I was a fast-forwarding scene from a movie. But, I couldn’t take it anymore. I rushed out of the bathroom in the bathrobe and screamed for my son and thud….

When I opened my eyes, my son was right beside me. Crying out, “Mamma, don’t die…” I felt weird. What the hell. I asked him to quickly check on google for home remedies for Harpic and Clorox smell. He brought the phone and the search result shocked me. Without wasting time, with my son's help, I put on a gown and rushed out.

Choking for breath and coughing and screaming, I drove to the hospital which was 2 minutes away from home. My son kept saying, “Mamma, we will take a taxi”. I knew, I didn’t have time enuf for that. It was stupid of me, I know. I was risking my son’s life too by driving in that state. But, that moment, nothing was working within and by god's grace, I reached the emergency entrance of the hospital.

Out of the car, I fainted right in front of the emergency.

By the time, I was brought back to senses, I was covered with tubes and pipes and oxygen mask. I could see my brother and my crying son. 2 days in the ICU. It was news to me as the doctor explained how dangerous it was to mix Clorox with anything; forget Harpic. And, how much of a fighter I was that I reached the hospital alive, inspite of the intake of the poisonous gas for such long time.

Nurses kept visiting me at the ICU just to see the “Harpic-Clorox case”. They all said, they are also shocked, because many of them also do the same thing to clean their commodes. I became a victim because I used it for the whole toilet and stayed inside for more than 30 minutes. ☹ Any more reason to be embarrassed. 

Now, I am back home, under bed rest for a week. A little bit of walking makes me exhausted and breathless. As I sit here, I am trying to be thankful to many things…

-          The moment that made me forget to unlock the bedroom door, so my son could come in.
-          My son who was trying to do every single bit he could do in the absence of an adult at home.
-          The doctors and nurses who did their bit to revive me (I knew later that I was very dramatic; though I remember nothing much).
-          My inner strength that took me till the hospital.
-          The Almighty who stood by me and blessed me to safety.

Once I was back to pick up the phone, I send messages to all the groups about the hazards of mixing harpic and Clorox.

Anyways, this incident gave me a new name. Ofcourse I was given a choice… To choose from “Harpy or Clory”…

Clory... ☹