Taste of Fire

Childhood…rather early teen… I always considered myself to be a grown up girl (only that others never valued my consideration) Personally, I had no special interests…Apart from reading books or collecting stamps, I never specifically did something that would immerse me into any sort of serious involvement…Cricket, Football, Wrestling…for that matter, not even shopping or makeup…I was into nothing…yes, I danced, sang, played musical instruments…but only for the sake of it…

 

Ok, before I continue, let me give u a brief on my childhood mate… My family had shifted to this new home which was right opposite to his when I was 8 year old… He was one year elder to me and thus we became friends… We gelled well; mainly because apart from us, all the other neighbours were either too young or tooo old for us and we were not accepted into either side…So we made our team… and grew up as thick buddies…

 

As we grew up, we started getting temporary membership into the neighbourhood big brother gang… His elder cousins were part of that group… Thus, we started playing together with the elders and mostly all male group and me the only girl… More of a tom boy, I was fine with any game…rather I had no other option. But being a girl and for fear of hurting me the "Bhaiyyas" ended up allocating me as the official goal keeper of their football team… or the regular wicketkeeper during cricket… Frankly, the only sport that I could compete with them was the daily evening game of Shuttle…

 

Shamelessly, I sat with them on the boundary wall of our house as they sheepishly ogled at every college beauties that walked past our home…Maybe, me being a girl, gave them an extra brownie point to do it without much after effects… Not knowing the seriousness of what these “Big Bhaiyyas” were upto, I supported them, whenever one of them started falling in love… In return, I got a Dairy Milk… That was good, just sit there and u get a dairymilk… I was their Monica Seles…

 

OK OK, this was not what I wanted to share...Once in a while, I did enjoy being a girl too... To satisfy my craving, my friend would agree to play some girly games…Today, as I think of it, I feel “So sweet of him”…

Dark Room, Chinese Whisper, Passing the Message and many such games being our favourite; the best one was playing House-House… The space between my home and the boundary wall became our play area… We had our own pans out of Coconut shells, Leaves for spoons and plates, Sand for food and etc etc… But, could we be constrained into those limits? Naaaa, Soon we started expanding the radius of our imaginary home…

 

We started thinking. For a house to survive, we need income. Thus we started gardening. Our house maid provided us with Onions, chilly, grams etc which we started planting, watering and taking care…and soon yielding tiny crops too… Ok, that was the part to be proud…

 

Butttttt… things went out of control when the "Intelligent" us decided to cook in real…The enthusiastic us left no stone to understand how to make tea and to try it out in practical...Thus, from the kitchen we stealthily brought out some tea powder and sugar...After all, the over smart me wanted to surprise mom with an evening tea... With NO google to help those days, we set the fire alight below our pan placed in between 3 red bricks with lots of newspaper... Just that, we didn't realise that a COCONUT SHELL PAN could catch fire until we ran for our life as the newspaper bundles enjoyed the taste of it...

 

Taste of Fire….

Without the fear of the world…

What do you think? I am not sure if I had mentioned this thought of mine ever before in any of the pages of this blog… But, when I saw this picture on my timeline, I couldn’t help but say… YESSSSSS…. Rather wished to scream out loud… YESSSSS…

Every time somebody asks me, “Where are you going?” I would respond back jokingly “Somalia, Why??? Coming??”… Anyways, that is the joke part… Since years now, I keep repeating to myself that I just wanna go somewhere, where none recognises me… I felt maybe Somalia or Uganda could be a good place to do that… But since watching a movie on Uganda and how a female had to go through some horrifying experience there; I am sort of apprehensive about that destination as my hideout…Anyways, I don’t want to get into a controversy on any country…

The main point is… “I REALLY WANT TO GO”… where and when, no idea…but yes, its been in thoughts and wishes and hope that someday, I get the courage to pull my sleeves up and say Quits and just step out into a world of anonymity… I want to get a new name for myself and start a new life…

The weird thing is that every other person who knows about this says, “Me too”. Or the other common response is, “With whom”… Wonder why everybody is getting fed up of their present life and why are they wishing so much for a fresh start… Is the whole world going through rough patches? Naaa!!! No idea…I don’t wanna think about what’s happening to them…All, I want is a fresh start for myself…

Someone recently told me not to keep repeating what I want to do…JUST DO IT… As per him, if I keep repeating, others will give NO value to what you say… Your action speak louder than your words…But, here, he is not seeing the intention behind my wish and my action… I am not wishing to go away to show anybody…or to prove any big point to anybody… I don’t want anybody to give their permission or get worried of my departure… All I am trying to do here is to slowly sink it into their mind that I might indeed be serious and I might take my leave someday soon… So the day, I step out, it doesn’t come out as a shock or surprise to anybody…So that day, I don’t have to waste my time in giving explanations…So that day, I am not facing any emotional dramas or blackmails… So that day, I don’t want people to pass comments on “HOW ATRCIOUS” was my way… “HOW FEMINIST” could I be… “HOW IRRESPONSIBLE” am I….  

Bcoz, the day I pack my bag…I would have made the final decision…As my journey is a new phase in my remaining days…

I want to go away to erase a past…

I want to go away to sour up free…

I want to go away to live a life that I want…

I want to go away to cut off from sacrifices…

I want to go away to seek my long lost happiness…

I want to go away to love and be loved… myself and my life…

Without the fear of the world…

What was it...

His parents were sleeping. They had full trust on their son’s driving skills. He was always proud when he saw the love that his parents shared. The way his mom took care of his dad was something that he had always wished to have in his life… But things didn’t work the way he want. He was off such thoughts by now. The only concern for him today was his parents and anything for his parents’ happiness. Today, as he drove them to this temple, far away from their home, he was actually fulfilling his parents wish to visit the place with him…After all, they believed he was a gift for them from god after their prayers to the almighty there…

 

Such trips are not new for him… He had done many long trips with them and without them…Long drives were always his passion. He loved seeing new places, facing adventures and above everything it was his way of living life away from stress and problems…He found relief in those journeys…After all, he had faced some real bad days…his trust was broken…his belief was shaken…his love had changed to hatred at many points…He tried finding solace through various ways. But…did he? Did he ever find what he wanted?

 

But, today…it was different…As he drove past the green lush….as he witnessed the mountains…as he waited at traffic blocks… His mind was wandering…his thoughts were weaving something that he had very tactfully kept away from…he was feeling empty…off was the negativities that dictated him…He realised, that he was doing something, that he never wanted to….He was hoping…wishing…expecting…and above all was yearning. But…

 

What was it…

 

Far Away….across the oceans…

 

Daily chores…the routines were always mechanised… the things to do had no difference…every single day was as equal as the other… she knew, what would happen every next minute…The only difference was the work related surprises that may or may not come. Else even work was monotonous for her… She religiously woke every morning and made her presence available at her desk and completed every day…She smiled, joked, worked and did her level best to keep others happy around her…

 

The routine was not new to her…She had been doing this for years now… Work was her necessity. She wouldn’t sacrifice her work for anything in the world… Attending every single job that was she was entitled with…every single responsibility…be it at work or home… She took it to herself to make sure that everybody is happy and she shouldn’t be the reason to hurt anybody…Afterall, she had some real bad days… her trust was broken…her belief was shaken…her sacrifices only took away her happiness and she had forgotten to love…She tried finding solace through various ways. But…did she? Did she ever find what she wanted?

 

But today…it was different…As she woke up to another day …As she drove past the concrete jungle…as she pushed herself through the long traffic blocks… her mind was not the same as it was the day before…She knew there was nothing new to see or expect…Yet her thoughts were weaving a new web…she suddenly felt eased out…she was empty…off all the negativities… She was worried, as she realised that she was getting into something that she never wanted to…She started hoping…wishing…expecting…and above all she was yearning. But…

 

What was it…

Blame Evolution, not me…

I am a crazy person for most of the people around me…They feel I am an outspoken, immature, silly girl…and when I say ‘girl’, I mean it…that’s what they feel, that I am not grown up for my age… the very few people who know me real close would have a completely opposite opinion. Ofcourse, the craziness tag always stay with me, but then this time the level of crazy quotient is changed to being ‘over matured’, ‘too serious’, ‘over-thinking’, ‘introvert’ etc… Someone recently mentioned that I am a masked female… What they see is not what I am…

I agree…Somehow, I grew up with this trait…that I never let people around me know what exactly I am…and for sure, they would never know what I am going thru…The day, when I might have not had the least sleep the night before, people would comment that I look so freshhh….and when I am indeed fresh, they would feel I look dull… Ok, now this is not purposefully done…But then, yes, when I am upset, I become too cheerful to avoid talking about it…When I am extremely happy, I go a bit low… to avoid any ‘evil eye’…hehe!!!

Ok, now all this talking about nothing are thoughts that was instilled by a discussion I had with someone…He had the exact opinion about me as mentioned earlier. But then, at times he feels that he sees himself in me… When I talk or react for somethings, he get an odd feeling that he is listening to himself… But the little I know about him, I wasn’t able to see that myself….Anyways, the point is not that, but what is the reality of such dejavu that we get in life about places, people and even incidents…

My explanation to the whole thing….

“All human beings are made up with an X number of personal traits…means we all have the exact same ‘type’ of characteristics. But then, the ‘quantity’ differs…plus the difference in his/her environment and experiences add up…which polish some specific trait dominant than the other… Ok, ok, I was fooling him by just giving my own version of Darwin’s theory of Evolution… Oops, was that Darwin or somebody else… Gosh, all that mugging up in school, shouldn’t go waste if I forget atleast these least bits…

Ok, now I googled…I was right… ‘Darwin’s theory of biological evolution  states that all species of organisms arise and develop through the natural selection of small, inherited variations that increase the individual's ability to compete, survive, and reproduce.’… Wow, I am not bad… Ok, ok, I am going off my discussion…

So, we all have similar traits…but I become ‘ME’ bcoz the quotient of some specific character in me is higher than it could be in some other… But that doesn’t mean, those traits are not there in the other…At some point in life, all of us will experience something or the other pertaining to every single characteristics that we are made of. And this stays in our deep memory, until we see or witness a similar situation in life… Thus…maybe, he might have sometime in his life had behaved crazy like me…or been silly in life…or spoke too much…Hence, he feels those dejavu"

Personally, I believe, IF he was like me, he wouldn’t have had a different opinion about me initially. He would have ‘understood’ what am I on the first instance itself. I do…I recognise people who are like me the moment I start interacting with them…Again, maybe that is the “investigative” me in action… But I do, I personally know those rare specimens do exist around me…other than me…

So, off all the discussions, thoughts and arguments….I now know one thing…If I am crazy and mad…you cant blame me… I am ‘ME’ not bcoz of me… You should blame Darwin…he is the reason for any issue that happens to you bcoz of me… If I have irritated, frustrated or made your life hell…Its all bcoz of Darwin and his theory….

"Blame Evolution, not me…”

Score 1:1...Whoever wants, should do themselves…

Day 1

Thirst is an emotion that she rarely feel… As she placed the glass below the dispenser nozzle; she was indeed thirsty… Gosh, it’s flashing red… No water, time to change the bottle. Why, why should it always be so when you so much need it…and you can’t get it… “Bottle needs to be replaced”, I grumbled…

From behind, she heard, “He was here taking the last glass of water. He did see the red flashing and still didn’t change the bottle.”… Ok, now that is irresponsibility… As long as your matter is solved; leave the problem unsolved… Typical him… She marched into his abode…

“When you drank water, didn’t you see it flashing red…?”

“Yes, I did…”

Oh, great, so he did… “Then why couldn’t you just replace a new bottle.”

“Why should I? Are there nobody else to do it?”…gazing at his phone as always…

“Its not about, if there is anybody else. But you were the one who saw it and you could have replaced it.”…She knew, she sound Blunt… But then, carrying a gallon bottle of water to the dispenser should not be a woman’s job…especially not her who can’t depend on her own spine for anything that required carrying weight… He should know that and be a more empathetic about his fellow beings, she believed so…

“Soooooo….???”

Great! Soooo??? What does that mean? “Soooo, please come and replace the bottle…”

“I will do it tomorrow…”

“Not tomorrow, only you have sorted your thirst off. There are others who want to drink water…Can you please change it, I am thirsty”

“Whoever want…should do themselves… I can’t…”

“Is that how things should work in life… If tomorrow, you need something and if I respond this way…would that be fine?”

“Yes, you can…”

“Ok, then its ok…If I respond ever like this…Don’t feel bad then…” PERIOD….

Day 2

Busy in kitchen…As he walked in slowly, it was clear…He wants his morning tea…

“Whoever wants, will make his own tea and drink???”

“Yes…but I don’t want tea…”

“Ok, good, then don’t drink the tea that is prepared by somebody else…” PERIOD…

Soon after the scene was cleared, he drank the tea…filled himself with the freshly fried Puris and curry and thus his morning duty was over…

Day 3

“Did you have your breakfast, lunch, dinner yesterday…?”

“Yes…”

“What if somebody had thought, that if you want, let you cook it yourself and eat…” PERIOD…

Day 4

He came home with few parathas packed off from his dinner date with his friend…

Sleep time…as usual, he was gazing through the phone without the lights off…

“Do you want me to switch off the light for you…?”, she was being nice…

“Is anybody planning to cut and serve the mangoes..?”

“Whoever wants…can do themselves…”, Score 1-1…

“If I had thought so, I wouldn’t have brought the parathas home…”

“I didn’t invent this statement. Just following your steps…”

She held his clothes all dried up to be fold and arranged into the cupboard…She placed the unfolded clothes near him…and continued…

“These clothes did not walk by themselves and got washed and dried up…If I had thought the same way as you said, these would have been lying there in the laundry bag still…Tomorrow, when you search for your clothes to get dressed to present yourself to your office, remember that these things are not done by you…But by somebody else… Be thankful for things that others do for you…and Be kind enuf to do something for them too…”

A sheepish look with an embarrassed smile…But she know very well…it was not a lesson learnt…soon the score would be 2:1 and she would still hear the same statement another day…

Whoever wants, should do themselves…

Visiolibriphobia…

I was never a great FB follower…infact I rarely used to go thru other’s posts… I was more into a mass delete for any fb notifications I received on my email… I used to feel guilty when people take effort to msg me or comment on anything that I had posted or has been tagged into… People pour me with birthday wishes on my bday, when in reality I never used to do that; unless I was very close to that person…Frankly speaking, I don’t remember, when did I last sent a friend request…Even to accept any friend request I would make sure that I knew them….

 

Now, a contradiction to this is when I get friend’s request from someone who I have not the least memory of ever crossing paths in life; but then has a whole lot of mutual friends…Yes, yes, this mainly happens with my school friends…Actually, I need to be honest when I say, that I almost started feeling that I have Amnesia…as I seem to not remember even 95% of my school mates…Worst is, when they start messaging me saying… “Heyyyyy, how r u, where r u…long time…miss our school days…How is aunty…How is ur brother…” Ughhhh, they even remember my mother and brother???? To add on to my guilt, some even continue to explain how my mother used to come to pick me…how the old nanny used to come with lunch box…and they even can tell me what was my favourite lunch…Rice with a ball of Coconut Chutney and an egg omelette at times…

 

That is not fair… they know so much about me and I don’t even know which class they were with me… At one point, they posted the Group photo of Class 10… goshhh, did I look horrible, naaa..but yes, ofcourse looked stupid with my tie all twisted to the wrong side and then laughing with all my teeth out…how could they do that; and why did they have to tag me…Now, even those who didn’t remember me would recollect that stupid look, I was sure…and yes, ofcourse the number of friend’s request with the  almost same messages continued… I would sheepishly accept the request and say, “Ohhhh, hiiii, how r u…yeh, long time…OFCOURSEEEEE, I remember uu…” (liar!!!!)

 

Can u imagine, some of them had studied in that school only till 4^th grade and still remembered me…Even they could explain my lunch box and my brother… Some of them even explained how they loved my mom’s handmade chutney, Ok…now that’s it…  I have Amnesia…confirmed…

 

Ok, I don’t want to go on ranting on the Amnesia part…All I just wanted to do is confess…on my FB crimes…

1. I don’t remember 95% of the friends that I have accepted friend’s request with a mutual friend from school days…
2. I don’t religiously follow anybody’s posts and comment or like them…To be true, I recently started atleast wish some of them on their birthdays; due the guilt that they wished me on my b'day...
3. To avoid confrontation; I occasionally visit fb and press the Like button of the random friends’ photos or posts… and at times, even comment too…
4. I secretly press the “Find” button of all the external funny apps where some idiotic app tells u “When and how will u die”, “Who is ur soul mate”, “What is your talent”, “What Star Wars Character are you”…etc etc etc… Out of the lot, the best one I liked was, “How would you look like if you were born as a Male”…hehe!, trust me, I would have been a handsome hunk with a great fan following…I liked my name too…. Ok, now, I rarely share them on fb…!!! J
5. I do go thru photos of very close friends or family and put silly comments and get thrashed back for that… L
6. I ridicule every single person who press LIKE button for anything and everything they see on FB… To top it, I curse and swear those fools who press Like even when the news says, “My father passed away yesterday..” or “Earthquake kills thousands” and even “Girl raped and killed”…WHAT THE HELL!!! I know, they only stupidly using the Like button to acknowledge that they have seen it…But whyyyy, just drop a comment with a sad face…For that reason, I don’t even like the new React button with a sad face…
7. I don’t use FB as an alternate for twitter; but then do rarely drop in few lines when I really mean it…In the past 8-9 years of my fb; my Lines of Wisdom might have been a maximum or 8-10 posts only… I post photos so as to use it as a medium of storing and easy sharing with family… J For that reason, if some day, my fb account just disappear, I might loose many photos that I should have had with me… L FB, don’t do that to me…
8. I like Pages recommended by friends just for the sake of not offending them; else I might not have visited most of those pages if they are not of interest to me…
9. The only Page that I check regularly is a “Foodie, Recipe, Chefs” page… where, till date I have not contributed a single post…but goes thru the so beautifully garnished, yummy looking photos of various dishes, cakes, muffins etc… Drooling over them, actually has inspired me to experiment on some of them and now, I occasionally do experiment on some recipes… Google helps me immensely in that…Long Live Google…
10. Last but not the least but the biggest Fb crime I am guilty of… “After accepting those requests of people I have NO memory of (as said in # 1)… Once in a while, I go thru my friends’ list and unfriend them”… I am sure, they wouldn’t notice that I am suddenly not in their list… And rarely, when somebody come back saying, “Hey, u not in my list”, I act surprised and shocked…

Gosh, I am sure, if my blog was a public one and if my friends knew this is ME who is writing this…Today, I would have been in deep trouble…infact I might even end up with just 2-3 friends…with all the rest unfriending me…due to my confessions…Hope I don’t end up to be of an FB Phobiac…a Chronic case of…

 

Visiolibriphobia…