To regret or not to…???

As I was sitting doing nothing, I started wondering on life as a whole. I thought of the life around me, near me and above all my own life. I couldn’t actually differentiate what exactly was I feeling on a whole about it. Yes, it was a mixture of all the emotions a human could feel. I too felt all that. The emotions were sooo soo intense that it completely changed my mood. Maybe I wasn’t thankful for the things I had, maybe I wasn’t able to appreciate the good things more…Whatever the reason be, the feeling that dominated was a negative one…So I felt like noting them down so that I learn to remove the minus and change them to pluses of my life… not all but few of the phases of my life which I cud never erase off…

Welcoming S:

The relation was of high purity but the person was not. S turned the child in me to wonder what is what and is life a secret. The confusion that he created in my little immature mind was more than enuf for me to start holding on to secrets…I felt that the whole world’s problems stayed on my tiny shoulders and I had to stand still to avoid any problems to anybody in this world. Was I wrong? Yes, I was. But the damage was done. Neither I tried helping myself nor anybody cud guess that I needed help.

Optimistically: I grew up knowing how to safeguard myself and how to differentiate what is what and but still left me wondering "Why so...".

Rejecting R:

It was not a big mistake when I rejected an offer that R made. But still I feel, maybe if I had taken up his offer, I would have atleast not suffered all that I had suffered in my life in the future. Life and I would have been much different today, if that day I went against a chance to re-design my life.

Optimistically: I am happy today, that my that decision gave life to somebody else who deserved the offer much more than I deserved. For, if I had accepted the offer, it would have been just a momentary infactuative decision, but for the other it meant the life…

Entertaining K:

At that age, what was K was a confusing question. Supporting one meant destroying another…learnt this lesson too late. Atleast, it dint do much damage to my life, inspite of the scar it left. A mark that will shine if the sun’s rays fall on them. Wish I could erase it off…

Optimistically: It was one support system that I could rely on at that time and age. Even if the years of growth scared me, still it helped me to grow into a woman with Consciousness and strength to fight injustice.

Accepting V:

In the book of life, there would always be a page which would bring a great twist to the story. Mine came in when V was accepted to enter my system of life. A decision made amidst trouble will only bring trouble. But, by the time I realized it, I was in a pool of mental trauma and problems. V’s Obsession and possessiveness was leading me to think of suicide as a safe option. Forgetting that I was a woman with my own rights, I took everything that he injected into me in silence.

Optimistically: He changed me…Of all the lessons I had learnt till then, this was the best and the most powerful one. Never surrender your Self Respect and Self Esteem in front of anybody…Be it your father or husband, stand by what you feel is right and do not fear the voice of a barking dog. Opt not to run off but to fight back for your survival.

Disregarding P:

Priorities were different then. Experiences were bad by then. To hold on to something was equivalent to be insecure again and I feared insecurity. Trusting outsiders was not in my cards, I thought. And there I made a mistake by leaving my life into the hands of some supernatural beliefs. Thus I ignored the chance that could have again changed my life. Conveniently, I hid behind walls of unrealistic beliefs.

Optimistically: I don’t know, what to say. Maybe, that was what was best for both of us. God had better plans, maybe. This is one point where I couldn’t find much optimistic thoughts to support my decision.

Believing N:

An episode that can never be erased off. Mistake if I think from a realistic point of view and stupidity when I think of it with my heart. To follow my heart and then stand by the practicality. I was stupid enough to do that. But then, I never wud learn...

Optimistically: Happy that I didn't drag someone else into a life that would have been a roller coaster ride. Atleast someone out there is living a life that was his choice and not taking a fake ride. At some point, maybe God was kind enuf to someone.

Compromising with Reality…

Of all the things I have done or not done…suffered or not suffered…I realise, I shouldn't have let another person take a decision on my life. 'Never should you compromise with your own life for somebody else’s sake'. I learnt it the hard way. At this point, I would say, that its late for me to do a come back. But reality is “Better Late than Never”. I know, its easy said than done. How long can I compromise is a mystery, but I would as long as I can…

Optimistically: With this big compromise of my life, I have my life with me, now…It is the food for my breath and the reason for me to live…My life is all that I have today…I am not sure, what is in hold for me in my life tomorrow, but today, I have my life with me and that makes me worth living…

Apologies to all of you who read this and got confused… I know, the vagueness in the post would have made you feel blank and lost by now. You might have even misunderstood many things that I said. Might have even thought of stories that could be no where near the reality. But what to do friends, I was telling things that is never supposed to be told. Still, I tried telling as much as I can. From what I said, you can understand one thing that I always tried depending on another person for the forward motion of my life. Mostly, it had an inverse effect and I realise, every new phase was actually trying to teach me a new lesson. But, sad is the fact that I never could learn much. Now, you tell me. What should I do… What can I do…

To regret or not to…???