I TOO am precious...

Spending years hoping “Some Things” would change was just another way of being irresponsible. And, years back, when I walked out of those “somethings,” I really believed that I had learnt my lesson. Above that, I was so sure that I will not make the same mistake in my life ever again. Its now 5 years since I proudly told my son to never make a mistake twice. For, it’s a mistake only the first time and if you repeat the same thing – it's stupidity and irresponsibility. 

And today, I again accepted to my son that indeed I am an idiot. For, I let myself be stupid and irresponsible. Repeating the same mistake in the name of ‘love’ and ‘hope’ made me realize that I had not learnt my lesson the first time. I would never blame anybody for the misjudgments I made or for being careless in understanding priorities and wishes of others. Am I proud of it? Maybe not. Am I miserable about it? Yes, I am. Am I wrong? Maybe not. Am I stupid? Yes, I am. Do I regret? Maybe not. Will I learn? Yes, I will. Not because it happened. But because I let it happen AGAIN. I should have seen the signs and accepted that is how it is and respectfully left before it became too much to handle for both of us. 

As I quit and took my leave, I wanted to remember some beautiful lessons that I derived from those 5 years. 

1. Life is too short to give chances for years. 

2. Stop trying when your heart says to stop.  

3. You should never hurt yourself in the name of “hope”.

4. You should never let someone hurt you in the name of “love”.

5. Compromises for the sake of maintaining peace is not “living”. It is “torture”. 

6. If someone is being selfish - respect them; but remember, it is time to leave. 

7. If someone blames you are not happy for their happiness – it’s time to leave.

8. If you are feeling lonely even when; ‘you think’; you have someone – LEAVE. 

9. You can never be someone’s priority by asking them to make you one. 

10. You can never change someone if they don’t deem it necessary. Better, you change. 

We were two people together with completely different priorities. One was tired of flying and the other couldn’t stop flying. One believed in living without responsibilities and the other couldn’t let go off responsibilities. Yes, we were drawn by ‘love’ but couldn’t be bound by it. That was ‘us.’ No complaints. All I wish is the best for both of us. Our journey ended there. During this journey, we had pleasant and unpleasant moments and I am thankful for both of them. Grateful that I could get a temporary glimpse of what is it to love and be loved. So, I will now search for that love which can stay with me through life. And this time, I will be more open and responsible.  

For, I had learnt the biggest lesson of my life. While trying to believe that things would change and life is going to be soon a fantasy world, I had forgotten, 

“I too am precious…so is my life...and my happiness...”

Years later...

Years later, I walked through the corridors and across the grounds of my school and college. This walk, I had always wanted to take with my son—for I wanted him to see and feel the places where I had grown up.

Yes, the scene was completely different from what he was accustomed to. The landmarks had changed. The school, the environment, even the educators were no longer the same. But he walked beside me as if exploring a maze. I was proudly reminiscing old stories, filled with inherent nostalgia. I knew they might be exciting only for me.

But as I watched my son asking questions, listening intently, and sharing his own observations about how he felt seeing me in that moment... it was an unexplainable feeling.

He playfully teased me, making up small poems about me and what he imagined I must have been like. From what I heard from him—and from what I wished he would take away from that day—I jotted down a few lines.

Let this too remain here, as part of my beautiful memories.

As her face brushed against that sweet cold air,

Bright was her smile with her flowing hair...

I gasped, I rushed, to keep with her steps so fast,

As she, my momma, walked me through her past.

 

Like a child, she strode the way in her usual flair,

Her college, her school, she laughed as if in a fun fair.

I visioned, I guessed, her long lost memories so vast,

As she, my momma, walked me through her past.

 

A moral to every tale, she would always have for me

For she believed in living through what we see.

I derived, I learnt, from every single question she cast,

As she, my momma, walked me through her past.

 

Just like the pieces that never matched from a jigsaw,

Was the life that she has seen and the life that I saw.

I’m glad, I thanked, for her loving care that would outlast

As she, my momma, walked me through her past.

 

I knew, these are not mine and will never be mine

But for me, her memories would always shine.

I knew, I live, as her strength and her weakness

Just as she is for me, my mentor, my harness.

Happy Mother's Day...

I wanted to write this today… here in public. Many of you might wonder why! Maybe, because, I am not the type of person who could put these in words and express it in nature. Maybe bcoz the person whom I want to tell this to will not be able to take it 😊  For sure, she would cut me off saying, “Ohh ilakkam venda, Dialogue mathi. Over aakkanda.” Yes, that’s how she would respond. My Amma can never take these emotional honesty.

Amma and my relation has always been the katta-meeta type. She could express her anger more than her love, maybe that was why it was so. We never knew or could express the actual love we have for each other. Atleast, that’s what I think. We spoke like friends, at the same time, kept secrets from each other – Maybe for the fear that it might hurt the other. I always complained, she didn’t love me as much as she loved my brother or for that matter her sister’s kids or anybody else. On contrary, I think, she also always felt, I loved my aunts more than her. Strange, isn’t it.

All my life, I have tried my best to never do anything that would hurt her. Unknowingly, I might have hurt her many times. But, what I would always regret is that, Knowingly, I had to give her one big pain. I hope, someday, she would understand that this was best for her daughter; for I know, nothing is bigger than her daughter’s happiness for her… and that it killed me more to hurt her and would never have dared to do so, if I had another choice.

Today, Amma, on this Mother’s Day… I want you to know something.

“You might not be the perfect Mother in the world. But you are the best mother for me and I will never want to part from you, in this life or any other lives… I am so proud of you, that you have always tried to not hurt any other mother’s child and still do. Yes, it might have hurt me at times, but as a mother, I understand that even I would have done the same, if in your place.

Thanks for the days you stood by me, though you never agreed to me…

Thanks for the words you said aloud, when I felt completely lost…

Thanks for the moments you shared, when I stood totally alone… 

Thanks for my favorite delicacies, when I yearned for it every single day…

Thanks for the smiles you showed, when I knew well that you were crying within…

Above all, thank you for being my Amma. My best amma, love you more than my life. I would always want to see you happy and never want to hurt you. I am sorry for hurting you. I will always want you to be right beside me and never leave me. I might never be able to say this to you on face, but please never leave me alone. Whatever rights or wrongs, I may do, stay by me for I can’t bear being away from you. I love you and will always love you…

Happy Mother’s Day…”

A “Sidekick!!!”

Those days, I thought, that was how things worked. Boys proposing girls at the age of 9-10 seemed natural and normal. Back then, I didn’t feel there was anything strange about it. Though today, it intrigues me. Age 10!!! My son is 11 now and I cant imagine him falling in love. I understand having a crush. But, falling in love…LOL, with all capital letters!!! I cant imagine him going behind a girl to woo her or make her understand his deep love for her to get married to her.

Yes, you heard it right, Marriage. That was exactly what I used to hear when these young  teens confessed their love. Today, such love would be misunderstood as “lust” or “sex”. But those days, it had only one meaning. 'There is love in the air and if they both have same feeling, soon we will see them married.' It sort of sounds cute now as I think of it.

Anyways, the tom boy me, was a perfect friend for many such girls who were being proposed by boys. Every festivals, every inter school competitions, every get-togethers – We found such boys. Mostly in a bicycle, they came in as a gang and would do every single idiotic thing to get the attention of the girls. When it went over board, I would be back answering them. Wonder, what was I? A Bouncer for the rest of the girls. Whatever.

There was even a regular “Proposer” who claimed to be in true love with every other girl at every other location. Once, I even asked him, how could he say so. And he said, “Ha, no dear. Last time, I was misunderstood. That was not real love. But this is. I am truly in love with this girl. Please, can you help me.” Gosh, isn’t that crazy. Yes, it was. For me. I felt, it was odd to have such flickering heart that beat fast for every other girl. But, he had no shame, I suppose. He went around proposing girls and I kept witnessing it. Now don’t ask me, why was I everywhere. I used to be an active participant in talent shows and sports competitions during my school days and such places were a favourite spot for such fickle-minded boys, I assume.  

Ok, maybe, only I had this opinion about such boys. But the girls who were getting that extra attention from one such boy was always in an elated and excited mode. She would be seen walking around with more poise and extra dose of shyness. And if she got proposed, then are the days about sharing the secret news and would be talking about it with much pride. Post the same, I would be witnessing secret meetings on the road side or the bus stop or even the temples. Personally, I had even accompanied some of them as a ‘friend’. Now I realise, I was just a ‘cover-up’ for them…hehe!!!

So, somewhere from age 8-11, I played the role of a ‘bouncer’, ‘loyal friend’, ‘cover-up’….In a Bollywood movie, think my role would be considered as a ‘side-kick’…

Gosh, should I laugh or be pathetic on my role…

A “Sidekick!!!”