L’il boy down the Lane...

Its been a couple of posts that I spoke about strangers, chat friends, virtual friends and all. But strangely, lately, I got friendly with a stranger…lol!!! I knowww…u r saying, NOT AGAIN…hmmm…what to do guys…How much ever I keep off from any new relations, I end up making a new one…and I end up considering them as close friend or brother or sister or uncle or aunt or…whatever… Just doesn’t seem to practice what I preach to myself…

Anyways, I will tell u about this person…Before that, lemme tell you about my last few rendezvous with strangers in the world of Chat…As I told you, the Chatting business is no longer a mode of hobby for me…Yes, there was a time, when I sought to chat to anonymous strangers just to while off time and also to just pretend that ALL IS WELL. With time and age, maybe I changed and I lost interest in it and thereafter, chatting was a rare thing for me. This was what was happening for past 7-8 years… Let me tell, I did make friends among strangers still, through this blog… Got a couple of sweet and nice friends with whom I exchange mails once a while…

A couple of years back, some person who had a similar name of one of my classmate added me on my messenger. Mistaking him to be my ex-classmate, I did add him and as soon as I started talking to him, I knew, this is not the same person. Basically, being a friendly outgoing character, I dint immediately delete him and did chatted with him once a while. With a few chats, I realized, he wasn’t worth being a friend so I blocked him off. I always hated people who tried acting smart and I kept my distance with them. Maybe my life experience really scared me not to get close to any strangers…hmmm!!!

Now, let’s come back to the Stranger, I befriended recently…I will be precise about the information… On May 2, 2012, I get a friends request from an old office mate. Those days, I chatted with my aunt or few friends from school days once a while as and when they were ON and I was free enuf to type down… They were all very short chats and never cud actually sit online to even browse the net. Life was flying too fast for me then… That’s when he added me.

It was years later that I am hearing from this guy. He had actually just disappeared running off from some financial issues. So, naturally, the curiosity to know what happened to him was there and that urged me to chat with him. Still, I started the chat by checking if it was him or not, and ALAS, it wasn’t him. It was some guy from somewhere else. The first thing I did was to apologize to him and explain to him that I mistook him for somebody else and that’s why I accepted his friend’s request. I even deleted him off from my friends list. I wasn’t going to take any chance with strangers, I knew it.

Haha!!! What a joke…Everyday, he started my day with his wishes and very childish comments and jokes. I was busy with work, and his comments brought a smile. As days passed, he confided to me that, “He was actually using some fake id” and he revealed his real identity…I wasn’t surprised or shocked, as I had no expectations of this stranger and above anything, “I was a complete a stranger for him too.”

Thus we became friends. With a little bit of investigation into the information he gave about himself and his jovial nature, I accepted him into my list of friends. We spoke about anything and everything… Philosophy, Comedy, Realities, Life, Accidents, Past (his past…hmmm…remember, I still opted to stay as a mystery). He was part of the Management team of a business establishment, but what I saw was the child in him. The way he joked and got upset for silly things, I was actually so busy mocking and teasing him for his childishness.

Amidst all the busy schedule and problems of life, this BIG friend is a mood twister. This is the moment when I realized, how a little strangeness can make a difference…Only in the land of strangeness can we do all the madness we want to…That’s what our friendship was and is… With NO ties or bonds, we are just two individuals who live their life in two different parts of the world but share a Virtual bond of friendship with NO expectations…You give or you take, who cares!!! Its been years that I had a friend with whom I cud be so…Like a kindergarten kid…haha!!! That’s how a child should be, right? How true, that how much ever we grow, we should try to find time to nurture the child in us and that would keep you afresh…Not sure of the expiry date of such relations, but as long as it stays, I prefer to "live it"...

By the by, we did have a big fight too…that too for the most silly reason, lol!!! Would you believe that? Anyways, I have no regrets and wil have no regrets because how can a child do justice to friendship without arguments and fights. We too did… The philosophical ME acted the BIG GIRL when he was angry and maybe that irritated him more, but I enjoyed that too. He still doesn’t know much about me, rather anything about me… So I can be anything for him…A Monster or an Angel…When we joke, we r angels and when we fight we are monsters…lol!!!

As expected, like any other kid, he came back saying sorry and with his usual self of stubbordness… “When I say sorry, U SHOULD accept it and start talking to me…” haha!!! So sweet of him…Was I angry with him, Naaaah!!! Afterall, for me…he is the child in me…the drop of sillyness in the sea of maturity…the boy who takes me back to world of nursery rhymes…he is the…

“L’il boy down the Lane...”

To regret or not to…???

As I was sitting doing nothing, I started wondering on life as a whole. I thought of the life around me, near me and above all my own life. I couldn’t actually differentiate what exactly was I feeling on a whole about it. Yes, it was a mixture of all the emotions a human could feel. I too felt all that. The emotions were sooo soo intense that it completely changed my mood. Maybe I wasn’t thankful for the things I had, maybe I wasn’t able to appreciate the good things more…Whatever the reason be, the feeling that dominated was a negative one…So I felt like noting them down so that I learn to remove the minus and change them to pluses of my life… not all but few of the phases of my life which I cud never erase off…

Welcoming S:

The relation was of high purity but the person was not. S turned the child in me to wonder what is what and is life a secret. The confusion that he created in my little immature mind was more than enuf for me to start holding on to secrets…I felt that the whole world’s problems stayed on my tiny shoulders and I had to stand still to avoid any problems to anybody in this world. Was I wrong? Yes, I was. But the damage was done. Neither I tried helping myself nor anybody cud guess that I needed help.

Optimistically: I grew up knowing how to safeguard myself and how to differentiate what is what and but still left me wondering "Why so...".

Rejecting R:

It was not a big mistake when I rejected an offer that R made. But still I feel, maybe if I had taken up his offer, I would have atleast not suffered all that I had suffered in my life in the future. Life and I would have been much different today, if that day I went against a chance to re-design my life.

Optimistically: I am happy today, that my that decision gave life to somebody else who deserved the offer much more than I deserved. For, if I had accepted the offer, it would have been just a momentary infactuative decision, but for the other it meant the life…

Entertaining K:

At that age, what was K was a confusing question. Supporting one meant destroying another…learnt this lesson too late. Atleast, it dint do much damage to my life, inspite of the scar it left. A mark that will shine if the sun’s rays fall on them. Wish I could erase it off…

Optimistically: It was one support system that I could rely on at that time and age. Even if the years of growth scared me, still it helped me to grow into a woman with Consciousness and strength to fight injustice.

Accepting V:

In the book of life, there would always be a page which would bring a great twist to the story. Mine came in when V was accepted to enter my system of life. A decision made amidst trouble will only bring trouble. But, by the time I realized it, I was in a pool of mental trauma and problems. V’s Obsession and possessiveness was leading me to think of suicide as a safe option. Forgetting that I was a woman with my own rights, I took everything that he injected into me in silence.

Optimistically: He changed me…Of all the lessons I had learnt till then, this was the best and the most powerful one. Never surrender your Self Respect and Self Esteem in front of anybody…Be it your father or husband, stand by what you feel is right and do not fear the voice of a barking dog. Opt not to run off but to fight back for your survival.

Disregarding P:

Priorities were different then. Experiences were bad by then. To hold on to something was equivalent to be insecure again and I feared insecurity. Trusting outsiders was not in my cards, I thought. And there I made a mistake by leaving my life into the hands of some supernatural beliefs. Thus I ignored the chance that could have again changed my life. Conveniently, I hid behind walls of unrealistic beliefs.

Optimistically: I don’t know, what to say. Maybe, that was what was best for both of us. God had better plans, maybe. This is one point where I couldn’t find much optimistic thoughts to support my decision.

Believing N:

An episode that can never be erased off. Mistake if I think from a realistic point of view and stupidity when I think of it with my heart. To follow my heart and then stand by the practicality. I was stupid enough to do that. But then, I never wud learn...

Optimistically: Happy that I didn't drag someone else into a life that would have been a roller coaster ride. Atleast someone out there is living a life that was his choice and not taking a fake ride. At some point, maybe God was kind enuf to someone.

Compromising with Reality…

Of all the things I have done or not done…suffered or not suffered…I realise, I shouldn't have let another person take a decision on my life. 'Never should you compromise with your own life for somebody else’s sake'. I learnt it the hard way. At this point, I would say, that its late for me to do a come back. But reality is “Better Late than Never”. I know, its easy said than done. How long can I compromise is a mystery, but I would as long as I can…

Optimistically: With this big compromise of my life, I have my life with me, now…It is the food for my breath and the reason for me to live…My life is all that I have today…I am not sure, what is in hold for me in my life tomorrow, but today, I have my life with me and that makes me worth living…

Apologies to all of you who read this and got confused… I know, the vagueness in the post would have made you feel blank and lost by now. You might have even misunderstood many things that I said. Might have even thought of stories that could be no where near the reality. But what to do friends, I was telling things that is never supposed to be told. Still, I tried telling as much as I can. From what I said, you can understand one thing that I always tried depending on another person for the forward motion of my life. Mostly, it had an inverse effect and I realise, every new phase was actually trying to teach me a new lesson. But, sad is the fact that I never could learn much. Now, you tell me. What should I do… What can I do…

To regret or not to…???