To give up…

As a wife, my mother never knew anything. Dad never liked his family getting involved into official matters. He was born in the old generation and followed the traditional orthodox mentality where wife live with what husband provided; be it was the most meagre things. My mother never had to complain as dad provided her with all luxury; something that she had never seen until her wedding. So, neither was she matured enough to see the downfall of my father’s business empire. Even during the toughest days, he made sure that his wife and kids had the best.

Today, we realise, and regret…if only we had our eyes open to see things as it was happening. Maybe, many things that happened in our life wouldn’t have happened the way it did. Past is past…

Finally, my dad decided to step out; in search of that one saving stone. For all the love he had for his mother land and all the enthusiasm he had about living in ones own ground…Exhausted and disappointed that he couldn’t live up to his own dreams…He had stepped out of his home, his country… For a miracle…to save him, his family and above all, his lost pride…

The days just dragged on. None of us ever spoke to each other about how we are. Maybe, the silence between us was the answer to that. Its been months dad has flown out… No positive news from dad. Every phone call was answered with hope and ended with disappointment. We were three souls in a two storeyed house; all in their own rooms mostly. We all tried acting all is well, but… the truth prevailed. We were not OK. 

Though, I was a teenager, I still knew nothing about the intensity of the issues our family was facing. But, I knew, if mom had to say that… it was not ok… By then, I was getting used to telephone calls in search of dad, complaints about his delay in paying back debts and so on. Most visitors at home were those who dad owed money. With awe, I realised, many regular people who used to be in and out of our home like my dad’s shadow were nowhere in sight. I was growing up from a silly girl to a matured lady. 

That day, I was on my way to the hospital to pay my uncle a visit...He has been sick for few days now. Though he was my paternal aunt's husband, he was like a father to me. So I used to visit him every day... The phone rang and I waited with eager ears for any signs of happiness. Few minutes thru and I walked to my mom's half closed door just to stop short to my mom's whimper. All I heard was, “Can't we all just die together?”…

Tears trickling down, I stepped out of the house. If there was anything that I did not want that moment… was not to let my mom see me so… Were things that bad? Was it that late that we cant revive all that was lost? Has dad given up on his courage? Not knowing anything was better than knowing something…and here I was, knowing little and not knowing a lot…Was it already time…

To give up...

On his Shoulders...

Have I ever discussed my father with you??? He was and is a strong man…that is the first word I should be saying about him…Yes, a real strong man…. I don’t think, anybody else in his position would have survived all those hardships and that too with a smile & an ‘all time motto’ – “Don’t worry, everything will be OK…”… I too had gone through a varied set of severe problems and issues, but till date, I could never learn to say, “Don’t worry, everything will be fine…”…

My father, a typical orthodox, traditional MAN…who believed in Men are to rule and women to abide by his rules…who doesn’t liked the idea of Obeying another person…a person who believes in anybody and everybody, especially if the other was pushing him forward with praises…There was a General Public opinion about the men from the Caste we belonged to, “They are Egoists and Male Chauvinists….”…For a long time, my father was a Brand Ambassador for the men from our caste…

Apart from the behavioral pattern he inherited from the caste, personally he was a straight, innocent and loving man…He never discussed his problems or issues with his family for the reason that he didn't wanted to give tension to others...He cared about everybody but never knew how to show or express his love...or maybe he never wanted to express it...as he might have felt that as a Weakness of his...(bcoz I saw his love for me for the first time on the day I got married and was leaving for my husband's house...suddenly my dad was missing from the wedding hall...then I saw him at one corner of the exit area and as I went to him for his blessings - For the life time first time, he hugged me and kissed me and cried...The crowd who was witnessing this was thunder struck and I was more shocked...I never expected that...He was not sobbing...he was crying and still consoling me and telling me, "Dont cry, be happy...always be happy..." etc etc... None from the crowd could believe what they were seeing...None had words to console us...and trust me, even today, whoever (including my father)watch the video of those scenes ends up wetting their eyes with tears...it was such an emotional moment...and till date, my father hates the videographer who didn't miss to take even one glimpse of the whole scene....hahaha!!!)

Ok, back to the track...He always said ‘What he felt right’…and never thought of rephrasing his words so as to not hurt the other. What he said was right, but how he said that mattered to many…which he didn't care...(and somehow, many say, I am a replica of my father to a great extend…I too always tell out what I feel is right…whether others like it or don’t like it….)…I have heard many times my dad’s sisters or brothers commenting about me as… “Ha, afterall who is she…She is her father’s daughter only na…”

Anyways, my father belived in the ideology that, ‘Kids are to be kept at a distance, else they will sit on ur shoulder…’ For him, my mom was everything and she was the only person with whom he used to converse apart from the relatives…He never spoke to us unless otherwise he had to INSTRUCT us something…and thus my father was a stranger to me almost till I reached college…He never spoke to us unnecessarily…he never played with us…For me and my brother, he was somebody who we call Dad…who goes to office daily before we woke up and comes back after we sleep…who takes us to some holiday spot every summer vacation…who takes us to the movies every Saturday nights…That’s all we knew about him…We never felt, he cared for us or loved us…in short…HE WAS A TERROR for us…when he was at home, we never would even open our mouth…we were afraid of him…scared of his loud voice…and his strict pattern of life…For us, mom was the provider…whatever we wanted, she got it for us…(as years passed, we got matured enough to understand that she was a medium between us and dad…afterall, it was dad the ultimate provider…)

Even after the limited conversation between me and dad, still I might have loads and loads to tell u about him…bcoz he is one person who was the reason for me to grow strong…Directly, he never taught me how to live life…he never taught me how to face people…he never taught me anything…But indirectly, I learned from him…I learned from his life…I learned from his mistakes…I learnt from him how one shouldn’t be living your life…how one shouldn’t be facing people…how one shouldn’t be in many different ways…I saw how people utilized and misused him and his innocent nature…how people cheated him and left him stranded in a mess…how he faced every smallest problems with the most dare-devil heart….and that made me strong enough to face the big hardships of life…(some day, I will bring myself to write down those bitter stories that he and I had faced…afterall, what was the purpose of this blog….to vent out everything that my little heart held…)

With years, with the hardships he faced, with the life he saw… my dad changed a lot…his orthodox nature was diluted…his behavior became soft and friendly, he tried becoming friends with his children and family...He started giving value to what others had to say...But I know, deep inside he could never wash off the Egoism or Chauvinism…At times, it does come out in very little measures and his children, now no longer kids, points it out…He still hates it, when we try teaching him something…lol!!! But after all, who are we…We are his kids…Naturally, we would be having some traits of his for sure…

Today, at times I wonder, is this the same old person…Is this the same stranger who was a rare sight at home years back…Is this same person who never spoke to his children…Is this same person who was a terror to us…(trust me, today it’s his kids and especially his grandson who is a terror to him…) Especially when I see him piggy-backing my son and playing with him, I wonder - Is this the same person who used to say…

''Kids are to be kept at a distance, else they will sit on your shoulder…''

NB: I feel this post as really incomplete...as to explain my dad these are not enough...I would say I need to write down a whole epic about my father - Yesterday, Today and his transition from yesterday to today....uhmmm....

A Blind Eye to Injustice...

DOWRY...quoting from Wikipedia…“A dowry (also known as trousseau or tocher or, in Latin, dos) is the money, goods, or estate that a woman brings to her husband in marriage”…even though dowry is a criminal offense, the practice of giving and taking dowry still prevails in my home country…the dowry came in forms of gold, vehicles, money, property etc according to the demands of the groom or his family…uhmm…I myself have seen people bargaining as if they were buying a cow from the market… “Our son will marry your daughter if you give 100sovereign gold, one car and 2 lakhs in cash…” Haaaaaaaaa!!! What a dirty practice… there have been very regular cases of abuses of the bride at her husband’s house if the dowry was not properly given…Ok , now that’s a very serious issue on which I wouldn’t want to have a discussion now…but the story I am going to say here is very short and simple…

This might seem funny for us…but what might have gone through the people who had to face this situation is something we can never even imagine…This is not one of my personal experience…but a real life incident happened in a village area, where my father grew up…I heard this story when once my grandmom was quoting this incident to some one while they were having a discussion on Dowry…

This happened in the backdrop of a village on top of a mountain…around the 70’s…. I was not even born then, so naturally I couldn’t witness this incident myself…There was a poor farmer in my grandmom’s village who had three daughters…after exhaustive extensive search, finally they found a suitable groom for the elder daughter…(suitable here should mean a groom whose demand was the most feasible than a whole lot…) THE DEAL WAS FIXED…(that’s what I would like to explain it as…)…the marriage was fixed once it was promised that the father will give a fixed amount as cash and gold and a part of his land property….anyways…after much prayers of the girl’s parents, the marriage was solemnized…the bride and groom left for the boy’s house…

Now back home, there is a post-marriage custom where the bride’s family would visit the Bride’s New House (that is the groom’s house)…this ritual is usually done on the same day or the next day…and it is expected that the bride’s family should take with them some gifts tooooooo (after all the expenses for the marriage this just added to the financial liabilities)…What ever…. The girl’s family was happy that atleast one of their daughter got married…and they set out for their daughter’s new house…they reached the place and was just about to step into the house…and….

Ahaaa…there…on the walls of the house…right near the front door…hung some gold ornaments…they recognized the ornaments...they were the very ornaments their daughter wore for the marriage the earlier day…the father of the bride started sweating…he knew, his worst nightmare was about to start…he was going to get insulted sooner than he expected….

Now what happened was…the father couldn’t arrange enough gold as he had promised the groom’s family… to avoid the marriage getting called off, the father bought some artificial ornaments…which looked like gold but was not gold in real…he calculation was to exchange them with real gold as soon as he could arrange enough money to buy them…But, unfortunately… the groom’s family was cunning enough…the very night of the girl’s marriage, she was asked to remove the ornaments and give it to her mother-in-law…and then they checked with a goldsmith if the ornaments equated to the amount the girl’s father promised…and naturally, they found out the truth…

For the girl, that night was worse than words could explain and surely did her family too went through lot of insult and harsh words… and above all, they refused to accept the girl anymore…they ordered the girl’s family to take their daughter back with them…

What happened after this to the girl or his family is still unknown to me… but I remember, those days, when I heard this story from my granny, I was laughing…laughing on the thought of seeing the ornaments hanging on the wall…I was more attracted to the embarrassment the family might have gone thru…as if it was some sort of a prank...I couldn't understand the pain or sorrow, they could have gone through…

Today, I am grown up…I realise what the girl might have suffered…especially in those days when GIRLS had no say to make any decisions on their own…what choice could she have had... all she would have done was cry in silence... could she ever go against everybody and fight back for the shame she was made to go through...I don't know...I wish and hope that if I could save atleast one girl from the evil pangs of this system called Dowry, then I would consider myself worthy enough to live in this world…and I really hope every man and woman stand up and raise their voice against this criminal offense and work towards eradicating this practice once and for all….

Always remember, by giving or taking Dowry, we are turning into criminals...we are just being another offender of rules and regulations...another law violater...we are giving nothing other than...

"A Blind Eye to this Injustice..."