My thoughts, my emotions, my feelings, my imaginations, my opinions, my fears, my dreams...

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Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Happy Reunion Day...

I had to believe, what others always said.  He wouldn’t come back. But now, I was seeing him right in front of me. My beloved grandpa, my appups. He was no more the old  white haired man, but surprisingly, he had black hair and a very young face. I could recognise him from all those old pictures of his that hung on the walls of his home. I tried to see if I was dreaming, am I sleeping? No it was for real. He was there., right there.

I ran to him and hugged him. I didn’t want to lose a single moment to not feel his presence to the fullest. I have been missing him the past one year.  I was holding his hand, shoulder, face and was again and again trying to make myself believe that it was indeed not a dream. His face seemed smiling and he was slowly walking around the home.  I literally, stuck myself to him as I held his arms tight.  

But as we walked, I was noticing that there were changes in him. His hair was slowly turning white and his body thickness was slowly going off. I could now recognise the appups that I always knew. I understood that maybe this was his last visit to his home, the home he built with his hard work. Maybe, he was paving this visit to see his children. Maybe it was time for him to leave.

For first time, I was accepting the reality. He is gone, and he will never come back. I am seeing him now, maybe for the last time, so better I use it to the fullest. I kept hugging him and to get his distinct smell, the smell of some ayurvedic medicine that he used on his head after every bath. I wanted his touch to stay in my hand. I was rushing myself. I was trying to smile.  

With eyes wide open I could see that he was gone. I knew without anybody telling, that the last rites for the peace of his soul was already conducted by his children, far away at the holy place. The rituals for his first death anniversary was complete and he had bid a farewell.

As I stared at my empty hand, I realised…the touch was gone. Trying hard to get the smell I was trying to save for future, I could feel the emptiness in the air… I smiled, laughed and then cried. I smiled to feel that he came to see me before he left. I laughed to realise that I was trying to make myself believe that all that was not a dream. I cried to believe that indeed, He is gone and I can never see him again…

But, I am happy….after a long time, I felt him as if he was real. At no point, I felt it was not.

It’s one year, since I lost my Appups. Past one year, I am trying hard to get in terms with the reality called Death. I am miserably trying to accept and agree the facts of losing someone who you love the most. I am being selfish, I realise… But, yes, its true… I have lost him…The heart that looked forward to see me, for whom I flew back to that city. The city has lost its warmth, for now he’s no longer there, I realise. The warm hug that I loved to have, the lap that I had a place always, the voice that always made me feel special and the eyes that had the naughtiest smile…I lost it all. I would never see him at the doorsteps of that home nor hear him on the other end of the phone.

"Dear Appups, They still say, that it was best for you to leave then… Then why am I not able to selflessly understand and accept that what happened was for your good? Why am I feeling so upset whenever I try to accept the truth of death? Why am I not able to think that you are in a better place? Why are my eyes not agreeing to stay calm, every time I think of you? Why is my heart not ready to stop getting hurt while missing you? For the pain is bad, extremely bad…

They say, it’s not good for you if I am being so. It would make your journey difficult. I am sorry, appuppa. But please know, I am trying hard to be the strong girl you want me to be. I love you and miss you a lot…Just ensure to be around for me whenever I need your warmth. Take care appuppa, wherever you are…Muaaaahhh….

I know appuppa, you would be now, calling me “Idiot”. Yes, I have not changed much. But still, I am trying; so, help me. From today, I want to think of this day as the day you re-united with Ammumma and your parents. Hope you are having happy days there. So, wishing you a Happy Reunion Day, Appuppa…Love you…"

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Through my eyes...

Her eyes met his, for the first time as they walked down the distance between them. “A smile could cover miles,” she believed. Embarrassingly she realised that she didn’t return the smile he threw at her. Was she weird to giggle on the first sight. Who cares! He wasn’t sure what to say, all he could do was to smile. She looked mostly like he thought, yet he watched her carefully.

Together, they sat by the water bed. Hot and humid, but the light breeze that touched them from the waters helped. With words spoken, they were knowing each other. Both wondered, how they had so much to talk about NOTHING! Yet, they laughed and giggled. With a backdrop of shimmering lights, a camera lens gave a cute click of their shadow overlooking them.

Two strangers, who never met or spoke before, on that full moon day, was talking about everything around except them. They knew, they were both deliberately speaking nothing about themselves. They were slowly recognising the common string they were tied up with. Till today, they were running away from it and today it has brought two complete strangers together. It was pulling them closer. What was it that bound them?

Memories… The memories they built within them were neither great to be cherished nor sweet enough to let them live away from it. Things of the past was haunting their present and they knew it was the same for the other too. And this was their binding force. The very memories they wanted to run away from had today played a fairy tale trick in their life. Fantasy, it may sound, was what they wanted and that was exactly what they were creating in this new-found relation.

He was getting acquainted to her memory book with every passing day. He turned the pages randomly and wasn’t comfortable with what he read. He would close the book often and made sure he wouldn’t open it too often. Why would someone open a chapter that brought in discomfort when there were so much better options, he believed. It was nothing different for her either. She purposefully kept his memory book closed as she too knew, the memories of today was much beautiful than those of the past.

Together they had made up their mind already to create a new book of Memories. They knew, what the pages should have. It would be a mix of friendship, love, fun, laughter and just a pinch of tears. This moment, this very moment was what they wanted to live. Without the pain of yesterday and the fear of tomorrow, they started living a today. They filled their book with pages of today; with a picture of the moments they shared on every page.

They knew, some day tomorrow… Wherever they would be, when they flip through these pages, it would only bring smiles. Neither they had explanations to the world around nor questions to the world within. They cared less and lived more. Deliberately, they avoided the questions of “What” and “How long”; instead asked “When” and “Where” and they stood by it. They treated every day of their life together as their last day. Hence, they left no room for regrets. They lived through them laughing out loud. Their book had more Emojis than any Whatsapp chat could have.


As I sat here smiling to their joy and crying to their tears, I knew they were right in their own way. Afterall, I wasn’t good to them all this while, rather, my predecessors were not just to them. Hence, they had all rights to be happy the way they were. There was No name for their relation; they didn’t want one. They felt it would bring confusions and will spoil the beauty of whatever they shared. The world was blind to understand and categorise them. But I knew it well, as I could see it good enough to realise the value of their togetherness.

I saw no ‘he’ or ‘she’. I saw two individuals creating a single soul through their dreams. I felt good as their life unfolded together. I was enjoying every moment of this new life witnessing everything they saw together. The dazzling lights, the shivering trees, the dancing waves kept me amused. The humid air, the cold breeze, the hushing sounds kept me obvious to the present. I loved to watch them build me up and then keep me close to their heart.

You might wonder, Who am I? I am the child of their life together. Born from their love and friendship, I was their beautiful creation. Every day they lived, I grew bigger and stronger. Their togetherness was my identity. Their relation was my foundation. I existed far away, yet lived within them. I am their breath and their life and you can call me their Memory, today’s memory… And this is through my eyes…

Signing off with lots of love and joy
Their loving Memory…