On his Shoulders...

Have I ever discussed my father with you??? He was and is a strong man…that is the first word I should be saying about him…Yes, a real strong man…. I don’t think, anybody else in his position would have survived all those hardships and that too with a smile & an ‘all time motto’ – “Don’t worry, everything will be OK…”… I too had gone through a varied set of severe problems and issues, but till date, I could never learn to say, “Don’t worry, everything will be fine…”…

My father, a typical orthodox, traditional MAN…who believed in Men are to rule and women to abide by his rules…who doesn’t liked the idea of Obeying another person…a person who believes in anybody and everybody, especially if the other was pushing him forward with praises…There was a General Public opinion about the men from the Caste we belonged to, “They are Egoists and Male Chauvinists….”…For a long time, my father was a Brand Ambassador for the men from our caste…

Apart from the behavioral pattern he inherited from the caste, personally he was a straight, innocent and loving man…He never discussed his problems or issues with his family for the reason that he didn't wanted to give tension to others...He cared about everybody but never knew how to show or express his love...or maybe he never wanted to express it...as he might have felt that as a Weakness of his...(bcoz I saw his love for me for the first time on the day I got married and was leaving for my husband's house...suddenly my dad was missing from the wedding hall...then I saw him at one corner of the exit area and as I went to him for his blessings - For the life time first time, he hugged me and kissed me and cried...The crowd who was witnessing this was thunder struck and I was more shocked...I never expected that...He was not sobbing...he was crying and still consoling me and telling me, "Dont cry, be happy...always be happy..." etc etc... None from the crowd could believe what they were seeing...None had words to console us...and trust me, even today, whoever (including my father)watch the video of those scenes ends up wetting their eyes with tears...it was such an emotional moment...and till date, my father hates the videographer who didn't miss to take even one glimpse of the whole scene....hahaha!!!)

Ok, back to the track...He always said ‘What he felt right’…and never thought of rephrasing his words so as to not hurt the other. What he said was right, but how he said that mattered to many…which he didn't care...(and somehow, many say, I am a replica of my father to a great extend…I too always tell out what I feel is right…whether others like it or don’t like it….)…I have heard many times my dad’s sisters or brothers commenting about me as… “Ha, afterall who is she…She is her father’s daughter only na…”

Anyways, my father belived in the ideology that, ‘Kids are to be kept at a distance, else they will sit on ur shoulder…’ For him, my mom was everything and she was the only person with whom he used to converse apart from the relatives…He never spoke to us unless otherwise he had to INSTRUCT us something…and thus my father was a stranger to me almost till I reached college…He never spoke to us unnecessarily…he never played with us…For me and my brother, he was somebody who we call Dad…who goes to office daily before we woke up and comes back after we sleep…who takes us to some holiday spot every summer vacation…who takes us to the movies every Saturday nights…That’s all we knew about him…We never felt, he cared for us or loved us…in short…HE WAS A TERROR for us…when he was at home, we never would even open our mouth…we were afraid of him…scared of his loud voice…and his strict pattern of life…For us, mom was the provider…whatever we wanted, she got it for us…(as years passed, we got matured enough to understand that she was a medium between us and dad…afterall, it was dad the ultimate provider…)

Even after the limited conversation between me and dad, still I might have loads and loads to tell u about him…bcoz he is one person who was the reason for me to grow strong…Directly, he never taught me how to live life…he never taught me how to face people…he never taught me anything…But indirectly, I learned from him…I learned from his life…I learned from his mistakes…I learnt from him how one shouldn’t be living your life…how one shouldn’t be facing people…how one shouldn’t be in many different ways…I saw how people utilized and misused him and his innocent nature…how people cheated him and left him stranded in a mess…how he faced every smallest problems with the most dare-devil heart….and that made me strong enough to face the big hardships of life…(some day, I will bring myself to write down those bitter stories that he and I had faced…afterall, what was the purpose of this blog….to vent out everything that my little heart held…)

With years, with the hardships he faced, with the life he saw… my dad changed a lot…his orthodox nature was diluted…his behavior became soft and friendly, he tried becoming friends with his children and family...He started giving value to what others had to say...But I know, deep inside he could never wash off the Egoism or Chauvinism…At times, it does come out in very little measures and his children, now no longer kids, points it out…He still hates it, when we try teaching him something…lol!!! But after all, who are we…We are his kids…Naturally, we would be having some traits of his for sure…

Today, at times I wonder, is this the same old person…Is this the same stranger who was a rare sight at home years back…Is this same person who never spoke to his children…Is this same person who was a terror to us…(trust me, today it’s his kids and especially his grandson who is a terror to him…) Especially when I see him piggy-backing my son and playing with him, I wonder - Is this the same person who used to say…

''Kids are to be kept at a distance, else they will sit on your shoulder…''

NB: I feel this post as really incomplete...as to explain my dad these are not enough...I would say I need to write down a whole epic about my father - Yesterday, Today and his transition from yesterday to today....uhmmm....

A Friend in a Stranger...

A very small phase of my life from the past, but…it was years later (rather too late) that I realized how big a part that phase was inmy life…The Phase of Love…yes, its true…Love, even if it is in the minutest form, would always be large enough to make an inerasable mark in ones life…

Those were days when the person who I thought was my best friend had broken my trust putting me in a dilemma with many questions… “Should we trust anybody ever…Are friends for real…” etc etc…I needed something to ward my mind off…THAT SOMETHING which I did for fun got me a stranger as friend…FRIEND?

A stranger for a friend..???uhm...Was I back to my self??? NOPE…this time I am not going to trust anybody…and let them take me for granted…I decided…”I am going to be rough and tough…If the so called friend ever try to break my trust, I would do that to him before he even think of doing it to me…”… Thus I was cautious…

From words to voice…that’s how we came to know each other…Our common interest, MUSIC… all that we discussed was music…we used to exchange lyrics of songs…favorite songs…we even used to sing out loud….lol!!! We enjoyed every moment of it…atleast I was enjoying…I was forgetting my pains…I was happy to have him as a friend…

Soon we both knew, that we were in love…both of us had learnt every bit of the other in the longest detail, and therefore, there was no fear of secrets...no fears of breaking the trust….but still there was one fear taunting me… “To love and get hurt” was the last thing I wanted…Some sixth sense said, YOU ARE GOING TO GET HURT… I was selfish…I was… I showed a new face…a face with no love…a face with no commitments…a face with nothing more than friendship…I shaped the whole thing into Infatuation…

With this infatuation, the uncertainty, the “so called friendship”….we met…with no commitments we spend long hours together…we were not sure of the future…but decided to cherish the present…we helped each other to forget our pasts…we stood by each other during many of those hard times…we cared for each other…together we warded off the loneliness we were feeling till then…each day, we loved each other (always hiding it in the mask of friendship) as if tomorrow would never come….

In his analysis, “he fell in love with me, not knowing that I could never love him…I was just concerned for him due to the friendship we shared…but still, he can never stop loving me… and he’s not expecting me to love him back…” I agreed to this analysis…When I smiled, he took it as ridiculing his feeling… When I kept quiet, he took it as I was offended…I agreed to all his assumptions…Bcoz, I knew that was the best for both of us… “Why burn yourself by jumping into fire, knowing it would hurt…”…I tried consoling myself…

Tomorrow brought out the harsh truth of life…we have to move apart…as always, even this we did together…we gave each other the courage…the advises…the strength…we parted ways…Even then, he blamed… “You are soo heartless…”..I smiled…because I knew, he never meant what he said…because he knew me…he knew both of our helplessness…Still we parted ways…with the promise of keeping our friendship always alive…He made another promise (even if he never said that, I knew it)… “He would never stop loving me…and would never care if I love him or not…His feelings for me would never change…”

Its years past now…as we promised, our friendship is still alive…we still give strength, courage, advises to each other…

What I still know is, “He still loves me a lot…and will never stop loving me…”

What he still doesn’t know is…, “How much have I cried on the nights when we walked the opposite direction…How hurt am I, even today, thinking of the day we parted...How hard I prayed for us to get the strength to go forward…How, I can never take him out my heart…ever…even if he still stays in my life as just a ‘so called friend’…How I can never disclose my love for this ‘Friend in a Stranger’….”