My thoughts, my emotions, my feelings, my imaginations, my opinions, my fears, my dreams...

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Friday, May 25, 2018

No one else will...

So, the long ordeal of going through an unhappy marriage and then facing the family and society with the truth that I AM NOT going to tolerate any bit more is now slowly fizzing down. Lots of debates and arguments and above all, bargaining… I confirmed again within me that I was doing nothing wrong… Here, life was slipping off, and there, someone was trying to tally their profits and loss… What was bigger than the loss of own life… 13 years of your prime life was lost… But, No… that was not important… More important for some was the money, property, assets etc…

I smiled… for it was nothing surprising. I had lived through this selfishness for years… For those who saw it as normal, not seeing what it was doing to me, I was wrong… Still, come far this distance, I decided to face it as the last stage… It hurt deep within, seeing how low a man can go just for material benefits jeopardising own life. Thankfully, all the bargaining was for everything except my son. He was not of profitable interest. I knew, if there was anything that I would have fought for in my battle for my life, it would have been my son.

Thus, I agreed to all the monetary losses during the bargain as I held my son with me. Well-wishers advised not to do that, but I just wanted to put a full-stop to the drama.

Though the decision to get married was not mine, I had entered this life with hope and honesty. I had tried with all heart to abide by the rules and regulations of a marriage and had always strived to be the perfect wife. A wife like my mother. With time, I started giving up. I started getting tired of trying alone. I started refuting for not seeing an effort in return. Soon, I stopped trying, to be the perfect wife. I stopped doing everything that was expected from a good wife.

Once, my father reprimanded me in front of my husband… “What you are doing is not something a good wife do.” I calmly replied, “But, I am not a wife.” My mother asked, “Why did you say that?” Without any double thoughts, I replied,

“Without a husband, how can I be a wife. I have never felt or made to feel that I have a HUSBAND. Then how would I be a wife.”

Silence was the response as I saw my husband slowly retreating the scene to resume his favourite comedy show in TV.

Anyways, I am back in my nest with my son after initiating a mutual petition for separation at the family court. With all heart, I pray to god that let not anybody be ever destined to go to that place for such a cause. It was a painful place. Seeing relations break, people fight, swear at each other; was all new to me. The decision to go there was mine, still my eyes overflowed. Trying to hide them was futile as my heart pound hard against me. I let it free and cried hard as I signed the agreement. I looked over as he placed his signature. The only time he opened his mouth was to reconfirm that he is bearing NO financial obligations of mine. I smiled, my decision was not wrong.

By now I knew, every time I let my weakness to win over happiness, I would face the blunt truth. My sympathy for others was always my happiness’ enemy. My empathy for others was always manipulated as I end up hurt. Even today, I get weak and wonder if I should just give up this battle for sake of other’s happiness. But, now I learnt to wait for few more minutes to see what is to follow. For after every dramatic plead, I would see the real self. The real self that was the reason for this outburst today.  For now I believe in the quote...

“Take care of yourself, No one else will…”

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Learn the value...

Why? Why after this many years? Why Now?

A question that kept on rising… Maybe it was an eruption of a volcano. Something that was boiling deep within and just erupted one fine day. Even I had no answer for the question. I kept saying, I am just fed up. I cant anymore take a risk of giving another chance. Outsiders kept assuring and giving me promises that things will change, give another chance. Look for changes for another 6 months, another year… etc etc etc… People tend to forget that the experimentation is on my life.

But, every now and then I wondered. Why did I suddenly decide to say quits? Why now?  Why did I just give up without allowing another chance. Today, as I was all alone, lying down trying to do a rewind on the things that has been happening in my life… I slowly underlined a specific incident. I rounded off a specific picture that has been almost imprinted into my mind.

Though, we were no longer emotionally together, for our son we put up a good charade as a happily married couple. It was openly discussed years back and agreed that we will stay together for the well-being of our son and will ensure that he is properly taken care of. Many a times, I kept reminding him that the responsibilities he forgot to do as a husband, dare not forget to do as a father. To love and to take care of…

Every time he took the relation for granted, I warned him on how it could affect his relation with his son. I tried forcing him to do his bit so as to build his son’s trust atleast. As always, he felt it is all unnecessary and I was just trying to disrupt his otherwise smooth and calm lifestyle. He believed that he is the father, hence will always be regarded as one. He forgot that in this century, unless u do your bit, even your own child would not regard you. He ignored that unless he give, he wont get.

Vacation was always going back home and staying stuck there for him. After every school re-opening day, my son would come and say in awe about his friends’ vacation adventure. He never had any complaints. But, I knew, like any child, he too wished to travel and then brag about his vacation. Thus, after much debates, we flew out for a beach vacation. The idea was to do everything the way my son would enjoy.

One of the attraction was scuba diving.  Thus, we sailed out in a boat to the sea and got into the water. Amongst us, only he knew proper swimming. Wearing life jackets, we all enjoyed the sea. Amidst all the fun, suddenly I started feeling that I was being pulled down by the water. I started struggling to stay above water level, splashing my legs hard. My first instinct was to see if my son was safe.

Right next to me, I could see his head bobbing up and down trying to pull himself up. I looked for help and saw his father climbing the boat back. I kept pulling my son up as I tried hard to stay afloat. I called out for his father to come to us. I could see that we were drifting away from the boat.

Legs below started feeling helpless and I could hear my son saying, “Amma, I am drowning.” I looked at his father, who was on the boat already. I kept shouting, “Come here.” And he kept saying, “You come here.” I felt foolish expecting him to understand that I am not able to reach the boat. I could no longer think of him, for I had to ensure to drag my son up-to safety. 

By then, the boat crew threw the safety tube to us and I caught it and dragged my son too into it. We both were pulled up into the boat. From the crew we understood that it was high-tide and a storm was hitting the sea. As I sat there all wet and cold, my son hugged me and asked, “Amma, why didn’t father come to save us?” It was a hatred that was creeping in me. I pacified him saying maybe his father didn’t realise that we were in danger and assured him that come what may, his mother would be there for him.

Later that afternoon, due the storm, we got stranded off at an island for over an hour and was later taken back to the hotel. Through the rest of the journey, I kept quiet for I knew, if I opened my mouth, I might say something bitter. By the end of the boat journey, I turned to him and said,

“I don’t expect you to save your wife, but didn’t u feel any bad that u left even ur son in danger and saved urself. Inspite of my begging you to come, you didn’t feel any need to come for help.”

He had no answer. His explanation was that he thought I was asking him to come to click pictures. Later, my family too backed him giving him the benefit of doubt. I agree, maybe he did not realise we were in danger. Maybe he thought that I will take care of the situation. Maybe he felt, his son would be strong enough to swim back.

But, my question is and will always be one… “We were all together, having fun. When he knew the sea was getting rough, he swam back to safety. That moment, didn’t he feel that he should ensure that his son is back onboard than in the sea. Didn’t he believe that as a parent, our first responsibility was to take care of our child before our own life. From the boat he could see the sea was rough and the boat getting drifted off, didn’t he think that he should be jumping back into the water to ensure his son is not in trouble.”

Somehow, post that day, I have this one scene fixed in my thoughts. The picture of a father climbing a boat and just looking doing nothing. I now realise, it was this picture that has almost become inerasable and made me give up on my trust. How much ever I tried to forget it and forgive him, I am not able to do it. Our life together was for our son. But, when he failed to protect my son…. I could not anymore follow the drama.

I know, he loves his son so much. Maybe, he doesn’t know how to express it. Maybe, he will never know. But, I am not able to forgive him for running away that day… He might change now. Now that he realise what he lost due his self-centered nature, he might change. For I know, if he doesn’t change still, he will never get the love his son.

For me, it became a closed chapter. But, may this be a new beginning for him. He will always be in my prayers, for my son. May he learn from his past and start acting to be a father, a good father. May he learn the value of what he have and not earn its absence. Hope he realise the truth of love and life…

“When you take things for granted, the things you are granted get taken back.”