I TOO am precious...

Spending years hoping “Some Things” would change was just another way of being irresponsible. And, years back, when I walked out of those “somethings,” I really believed that I had learnt my lesson. Above that, I was so sure that I will not make the same mistake in my life ever again. Its now 5 years since I proudly told my son to never make a mistake twice. For, it’s a mistake only the first time and if you repeat the same thing – it's stupidity and irresponsibility. 

And today, I again accepted to my son that indeed I am an idiot. For, I let myself be stupid and irresponsible. Repeating the same mistake in the name of ‘love’ and ‘hope’ made me realize that I had not learnt my lesson the first time. I would never blame anybody for the misjudgments I made or for being careless in understanding priorities and wishes of others. Am I proud of it? Maybe not. Am I miserable about it? Yes, I am. Am I wrong? Maybe not. Am I stupid? Yes, I am. Do I regret? Maybe not. Will I learn? Yes, I will. Not because it happened. But because I let it happen AGAIN. I should have seen the signs and accepted that is how it is and respectfully left before it became too much to handle for both of us. 

As I quit and took my leave, I wanted to remember some beautiful lessons that I derived from those 5 years. 

1. Life is too short to give chances for years. 

2. Stop trying when your heart says to stop.  

3. You should never hurt yourself in the name of “hope”.

4. You should never let someone hurt you in the name of “love”.

5. Compromises for the sake of maintaining peace is not “living”. It is “torture”. 

6. If someone is being selfish - respect them; but remember, it is time to leave. 

7. If someone blames you are not happy for their happiness – it’s time to leave.

8. If you are feeling lonely even when; ‘you think’; you have someone – LEAVE. 

9. You can never be someone’s priority by asking them to make you one. 

10. You can never change someone if they don’t deem it necessary. Better, you change. 

We were two people together with completely different priorities. One was tired of flying and the other couldn’t stop flying. One believed in living without responsibilities and the other couldn’t let go off responsibilities. Yes, we were drawn by ‘love’ but couldn’t be bound by it. That was ‘us.’ No complaints. All I wish is the best for both of us. Our journey ended there. During this journey, we had pleasant and unpleasant moments and I am thankful for both of them. Grateful that I could get a temporary glimpse of what is it to love and be loved. So, I will now search for that love which can stay with me through life. And this time, I will be more open and responsible.  

For, I had learnt the biggest lesson of my life. While trying to believe that things would change and life is going to be soon a fantasy world, I had forgotten, 

“I too am precious…so is my life...and my happiness...”

Years later...

Years later, I walked through the corridors and across the grounds of my school and college. This walk, I had always wanted to take with my son—for I wanted him to see and feel the places where I had grown up.

Yes, the scene was completely different from what he was accustomed to. The landmarks had changed. The school, the environment, even the educators were no longer the same. But he walked beside me as if exploring a maze. I was proudly reminiscing old stories, filled with inherent nostalgia. I knew they might be exciting only for me.

But as I watched my son asking questions, listening intently, and sharing his own observations about how he felt seeing me in that moment... it was an unexplainable feeling.

He playfully teased me, making up small poems about me and what he imagined I must have been like. From what I heard from him—and from what I wished he would take away from that day—I jotted down a few lines.

Let this too remain here, as part of my beautiful memories.

As her face brushed against that sweet cold air,

Bright was her smile with her flowing hair...

I gasped, I rushed, to keep with her steps so fast,

As she, my momma, walked me through her past.

 

Like a child, she strode the way in her usual flair,

Her college, her school, she laughed as if in a fun fair.

I visioned, I guessed, her long lost memories so vast,

As she, my momma, walked me through her past.

 

A moral to every tale, she would always have for me

For she believed in living through what we see.

I derived, I learnt, from every single question she cast,

As she, my momma, walked me through her past.

 

Just like the pieces that never matched from a jigsaw,

Was the life that she has seen and the life that I saw.

I’m glad, I thanked, for her loving care that would outlast

As she, my momma, walked me through her past.

 

I knew, these are not mine and will never be mine

But for me, her memories would always shine.

I knew, I live, as her strength and her weakness

Just as she is for me, my mentor, my harness.

Happy Mother's Day...

I wanted to write this today… here in public. Many of you might wonder why! Maybe, because, I am not the type of person who could put these in words and express it in nature. Maybe bcoz the person whom I want to tell this to will not be able to take it 😊  For sure, she would cut me off saying, “Ohh ilakkam venda, Dialogue mathi. Over aakkanda.” Yes, that’s how she would respond. My Amma can never take these emotional honesty.

Amma and my relation has always been the katta-meeta type. She could express her anger more than her love, maybe that was why it was so. We never knew or could express the actual love we have for each other. Atleast, that’s what I think. We spoke like friends, at the same time, kept secrets from each other – Maybe for the fear that it might hurt the other. I always complained, she didn’t love me as much as she loved my brother or for that matter her sister’s kids or anybody else. On contrary, I think, she also always felt, I loved my aunts more than her. Strange, isn’t it.

All my life, I have tried my best to never do anything that would hurt her. Unknowingly, I might have hurt her many times. But, what I would always regret is that, Knowingly, I had to give her one big pain. I hope, someday, she would understand that this was best for her daughter; for I know, nothing is bigger than her daughter’s happiness for her… and that it killed me more to hurt her and would never have dared to do so, if I had another choice.

Today, Amma, on this Mother’s Day… I want you to know something.

“You might not be the perfect Mother in the world. But you are the best mother for me and I will never want to part from you, in this life or any other lives… I am so proud of you, that you have always tried to not hurt any other mother’s child and still do. Yes, it might have hurt me at times, but as a mother, I understand that even I would have done the same, if in your place.

Thanks for the days you stood by me, though you never agreed to me…

Thanks for the words you said aloud, when I felt completely lost…

Thanks for the moments you shared, when I stood totally alone… 

Thanks for my favorite delicacies, when I yearned for it every single day…

Thanks for the smiles you showed, when I knew well that you were crying within…

Above all, thank you for being my Amma. My best amma, love you more than my life. I would always want to see you happy and never want to hurt you. I am sorry for hurting you. I will always want you to be right beside me and never leave me. I might never be able to say this to you on face, but please never leave me alone. Whatever rights or wrongs, I may do, stay by me for I can’t bear being away from you. I love you and will always love you…

Happy Mother’s Day…”

A “Sidekick!!!”

Those days, I thought, that was how things worked. Boys proposing girls at the age of 9-10 seemed natural and normal. Back then, I didn’t feel there was anything strange about it. Though today, it intrigues me. Age 10!!! My son is 11 now and I cant imagine him falling in love. I understand having a crush. But, falling in love…LOL, with all capital letters!!! I cant imagine him going behind a girl to woo her or make her understand his deep love for her to get married to her.

Yes, you heard it right, Marriage. That was exactly what I used to hear when these young  teens confessed their love. Today, such love would be misunderstood as “lust” or “sex”. But those days, it had only one meaning. 'There is love in the air and if they both have same feeling, soon we will see them married.' It sort of sounds cute now as I think of it.

Anyways, the tom boy me, was a perfect friend for many such girls who were being proposed by boys. Every festivals, every inter school competitions, every get-togethers – We found such boys. Mostly in a bicycle, they came in as a gang and would do every single idiotic thing to get the attention of the girls. When it went over board, I would be back answering them. Wonder, what was I? A Bouncer for the rest of the girls. Whatever.

There was even a regular “Proposer” who claimed to be in true love with every other girl at every other location. Once, I even asked him, how could he say so. And he said, “Ha, no dear. Last time, I was misunderstood. That was not real love. But this is. I am truly in love with this girl. Please, can you help me.” Gosh, isn’t that crazy. Yes, it was. For me. I felt, it was odd to have such flickering heart that beat fast for every other girl. But, he had no shame, I suppose. He went around proposing girls and I kept witnessing it. Now don’t ask me, why was I everywhere. I used to be an active participant in talent shows and sports competitions during my school days and such places were a favourite spot for such fickle-minded boys, I assume.  

Ok, maybe, only I had this opinion about such boys. But the girls who were getting that extra attention from one such boy was always in an elated and excited mode. She would be seen walking around with more poise and extra dose of shyness. And if she got proposed, then are the days about sharing the secret news and would be talking about it with much pride. Post the same, I would be witnessing secret meetings on the road side or the bus stop or even the temples. Personally, I had even accompanied some of them as a ‘friend’. Now I realise, I was just a ‘cover-up’ for them…hehe!!!

So, somewhere from age 8-11, I played the role of a ‘bouncer’, ‘loyal friend’, ‘cover-up’….In a Bollywood movie, think my role would be considered as a ‘side-kick’…

Gosh, should I laugh or be pathetic on my role…

A “Sidekick!!!”

V-Month Rewind...

February, the month of love…so they say…Who? Who cares! I don’t think I never even heard of Valentines Day until somewhere in 2000. Was I that bad in the matter of love or was these so called “DAYS” came into the limelight only by then. Naturally, think the marketing sense of this society grew with demand of business. That’s what I would say.

Anyways, when somebody asked me what my plans for the Valentines Day was, I laughed. Life was in a mode where I personally never got so excited about such days. Forget V-day, even birthdays seems boring… So I have no idea what were my plans…

Frankly speaking, as a child, Love was sort of an amazing secret. A secret that all would love to have and at the same time feared it to the teeth. As kids, we would talk so much about how that girl is in love with that boy! How this boy cheated that girl for this girl! How she thinks that that boy loves this girl!

Sad is the reality that this heart tickling secret always floated around me, but never in me… Growing up as a tom boy, I was mostly only a witness to many such love affairs. I felt it was so weird to actually claim to be falling in love.

Hehe!!!, so, this month, I wanna take a u-turn to some childhood memories… a Walk through the childish past…

A V-Month Rewind...

A Vacuum Cleaner

Somebody asked me today to say something about my childhood. I realized, that I could recollect nothing much to share. I could never talk just out of the box of my childhood. For that matter, I could talk of nothing like that. I was going blank the moment I thought of what to talk. This could be one reason why I had this big urge to just go into a silent mode all of a sudden. I had all sort of blocks within me when I tried to purposefully talk about something. Same was the case about my filling the pages of this blog. I just couldn’t put myself to jot down my thoughts at times.

This could be very surprising and unbelievable for most of the people who knew me. For they always felt that I could never put a full stop when I start talking. But then, I can see how and why I was so. Basically, I was just talking; talking about nothing but everything. Strange.

The last few months; I had a lot to share. Most of them were hardships. Trying to get into the new phase of my life. I couldn’t. I would type things down. I would get so lazy to even read through what I have typed in. It would be then left back as a draft. There are times when I read many of my past drafts and wonder, did I even write them.

This new year. Like many other years, today I wish, I can finally start being open about myself and write down my thoughts and craziness. Not for anybdy else, but for myself. I wish I will stand by my wish. I hope to put down everything about my life, so that one day I can read them and wonder that “Did I really say all that?”

I hope the joke that was being shared around wouldn’t be true for me…

“January is only a trial month to try out resolutions and I will be back to normal starting February”

Is it actually my laziness that is not letting me be regular in this. Or is it something else. Somehow, I feel it’s the blank feeling that I face most time that makes me so rigid to do anything more than my regular routine. Maybe, I need to find ways to first clear the vacuum within me and then start filling it with things so that I can later put them down in records. So what do I need to do that…

Maybe… Maybe a…

A Vacuum Cleaner… 😉

A Fresh New Day...

As I step into this new fresh minute,

With prayers for better moments…

I, so wish and pray to almighty god

My heart’s notions be made broad…

As I step into this new fresh day,

With hopes for better tomorrows…

I, so hope and yearn to supreme being

My thoughts don’t seek ways for fleeing…

As I step into this new fresh year,

With promises for a better future…

I, so desire and aspire to the divinity

My life be with me as a sweet affinity…

More to go...

I always believe and remind my son that the divorce was between a husband and wife and his parents will still stand together for all his needs. I kept trying to cover-up for all the short-falls his father continued doing even at this stage of life. I still ensured to remind his father on how to be a good father and how to build their relation. It is a sad truth that it never came from his heart.

I always believed in incorporating all family values in him. That day, as we were checking in for our return flight, I dialled his paternal grandmother for him to talk to her. She never had much to talk. It was always a formality conversation with her unless there was something that she had to be bitter about. Their conversation didn’t last long, as usual, my son said his regular Hi – How r u -  questions and then heard him saying SHE IS HERE. I WILL ASK HER TO CALL YOU.

As we crossed security, he mentioned that his grandmother wanted to speak to me and I should call her back. Though, I always considered her as my mother, somehow she could never do that. For sure, I knew this was where her son got his selfish characteristics. Hence, I knew well that a conversation with her would never be pleasant. Still, not wanting my son to feel bad, I made the call at the boarding gates. My heart was beating fast.

Hello…

Hello Amma.

Ohhhhhhh, Madammm… Why are you going so fast. Why are you not staying in that house? You took that house in your name, aaaaalllll for yourself? Why don’t you stay there for many days? You have already done the exorcism to remove the spirit from your life…

What Spirit, Amma! [It hurt, knowing the spirit she meant was my husband or should I say ex-husband].

Why don’t you stay there for many days?

No Amma, I have things to be done…

You have terminated your partner from his job. You can live in that house all for yourself. You don’t have to bother about him anymore. You got the house in your name. Although it was always in your name. Still. You should have stayed long. Now the boy who I got after praying hard to get a boy child has become an orphan. He lost his father and his mother. I wanted him for my things. But now, I don’t need him anymore.

She had a few more harshness to spit and then the call got disconnected from the other end with a Thank you Madam.

I didn’t expect anything better. I always knew that thru this process, her only worry was the losing of the house that I had built on bank loans all around me. During the bargain, his son wanted a share of the house with ZERO obligations on the loan that I had to pay for next 20years. I was fine to give off the house as a whole with no compensation for me if he was ready to take up the loan responsibilities. But he preferred a profit in it and expected to own it without paying for it. I denied and hence the house still stayed under my ownership - the only one asset I had. So she was mainly showing her displeasure of losing an asset - a physical property - A house. 

No surprised. But her talking about my son, really hurt me. I had to clarify few things, but to his father and not her. Hence, I called him,

“I understand amma is hurt. But no one else is hurt as much as me. Please remind her that our son has not lost his parents. As long as my son needs me, I will be there for him. As long as you wanna be with him, I will never stop you either. Please make your mother understand this much.”

As always, he argued that his mother will never say such things. I was relieved that this time I had the conversation recorded (a process I started doing since the day she had first called to abuse me over my decision). When I mentioned that I can give him proof, he changed tones. “Maybe, mom said something. But she forgot.” Isnt it strange that people can forget things within minutes. Good for her.

The journey back was quiet. My son who was watching and over hearing the conversation felt bad too. All he said was, “Amma, I am sorry for making you call her. If she doesn’t need me,  I will never go there again.”

“No baby, he is your grandmother. She is now upset with amma. That’s why. If your father wants to take you there, you should go happily. They are also part of your family.”

At age 10, how much could he understand, I don’t know. Regretting with all heart that I had to put him thru this mess, I consoled him.

But atleast, that call was end of another relation too. A one-sided mother daughter relation…

More to go…

And the search begin…

So, a trip to my home town again. This time to finalise a decision that was made after much thoughts.

Deep inside, I kept wondering, should I or should I not. The weak heart of mine kept feeling to give up and just adjust to the life I was living for years. Afterall, it was risk free. I just had to get tortured within and suffer alone in silence. Or… don’t give up… earn your happiness through the tough road. Lots of hardships to face, lots of risk… but atleast the relief that at the end of the day, I was not sharing my bed with a stranger…

I thought of him. With me gone for ever, he would be alone. Felt bad… felt sad. Am I wrong to do that? But then, was he even feeling this pain? Was he ever comfortable with my presence around? If yes, he would have in these years tried to see me as I am. Wouldn’t he have changed his selfish nature, the least bit, to bring in harmony in the relation. For a matter, I realised that for past 12+ years, this sympathy for him was what made me stay in a relation that was DEAD and was never alive.

But, everytime I made a compromise feeling sympathetic towards, he did something to make me regret it. He had this innate talent to make me realise that I was wrong in trying to forgive and forget and above all to compromise. He believed, come what may… I will be silent and will cope till the end… for it is a MARRIAGE and DIVORCE was not an acceptable process in our culture or particularly in our family. He was wrong.

His own ways made me strong enough to think above the sympathy. Sympathy is not what we need in a marriage. Love, respect, dependency, trust, care and empathy. Unfortunately, our marriage lacked every factor and it was all a façade for both of us. If it was for his pride that he stood in it, my son and parent’s happiness made me cope. But as they say, everything has a limit. When I finally broke the threshold of my limits, I erupted. With no emotions to supress me down, I broke down in front of my family.

As expected, with zero support, I went ahead with my decision. If anything that kept putting me in dilemma, it was the sympathy I had for that man which he somehow managed to slap my face immediately to wake me up to his real self, the selfish self-centered self.

It was painful. Extremely painful. Still, I bear the pain for I know that this relation was nothing less than a punishment for both of us. A seven hours wait at the court, made me watch scenes that I would never want to again witness. Some fought for their freedom while the other stayed adamant not to. People cried on their life and some smiled. It was a miserable seven hours indeed. Those moments, I prayed, may no other two wrong people be tied together to end up in this place. May all marriages be made in heaven and see only heaven.

The seven hours of waiting was long, but finally when we were summoned to the court, everything ended in less than 7 minutes. Nothing much to argue or bargain – Just two questions. All financial transactions are settled  - YES. Do you want to re-think – NO. The bell rang.

Wondering what to do, I was slowly nudged to exit. With pounding hearts I walked out, I was no longer married. Not able to stay within its nest, tears trickled. Trying to stop it only made it worse. I could see him as always walking off emotionless, as always with a smile. I knew nothing. I was finally free. I no longer had to act a happy married life. I can be myself.

Yes, I can. I need to be. More than quarter of my life, I have lived putting up an act of being happy. Now that I have let everybody know that I was never happy, it is time to work on it. I need to bring in the happiness that I had purposefully ignored all my life.

It’s a new beginning, a new phase, a new life that I am stepping in to… In pursuit of my peace, my content, my happiness…

And the search begin…

Brand new Clory...

Brand new me… hehe!!! Learning some scientific theories the hard way can actually cause your life… I learnt it by risking my own life. When people knew, all gasped, ARE YOU MAD? But, in real, very few knew that such thing could happen.

Ok, so the story goes on like this. My aunt who was on a visit returned back home town two weeks back. Since then, I was planning to do my type of house cleaning. Now, my type cleaning meant a complete makeover of the room, literally moving around the furniture and cleaning every bit of the room atleast three times. My recently developed OCD for this cleanliness was already killing me. But this time, it sure missed by luck….

So on D-day, I wasted the whole morning lazying around and mentally putting the cleaning task for next week. By, 4pm, some energy struck me and I started the cleaning spree. Dusting, sweeping, mopping – one after another, I cleaned every nook and corner. With Dettol, I mopped the whole floors one last time. Now was the time for the two bathrooms.

The OCD in me started acting. In anticipation for the perfect shining floors, I splashed a can of harpic all around the bathrooms followed by a shower of Clorox. Happily ever after…. I cleaned the guest toilet and proceeded to clean the master bathroom.

By then, my son was back from his Karate class. I instructed him to sit on the sofa without walking around or getting into the toilet to avoid mess. With my cleaning weapons, I got into the bathroom, closing the bedroom door behind me. Intention was to clean the bathroom and then take a shower to finish off the cleaning process.

As I started scrubbing the floors with all my enthusiasm, I slowly started choking and coughing. “Ha, it’s the Clorox.” I left the bathroom door open as the bedroom door was anyways closed. As time passed by, the coughing got severe. I felt dizziness. Its all just fragments of my imagination. Its all in the mind. I am fine.

Thus, I continued my cleaning. In 20minutes, I was almost falling off. Not able to withstand the pressure anymore, I quickly washed off the bathroom and took a quick shower. I felt like I was a fast-forwarding scene from a movie. But, I couldn’t take it anymore. I rushed out of the bathroom in the bathrobe and screamed for my son and thud….

When I opened my eyes, my son was right beside me. Crying out, “Mamma, don’t die…” I felt weird. What the hell. I asked him to quickly check on google for home remedies for Harpic and Clorox smell. He brought the phone and the search result shocked me. Without wasting time, with my son's help, I put on a gown and rushed out.

Choking for breath and coughing and screaming, I drove to the hospital which was 2 minutes away from home. My son kept saying, “Mamma, we will take a taxi”. I knew, I didn’t have time enuf for that. It was stupid of me, I know. I was risking my son’s life too by driving in that state. But, that moment, nothing was working within and by god's grace, I reached the emergency entrance of the hospital.

Out of the car, I fainted right in front of the emergency.

By the time, I was brought back to senses, I was covered with tubes and pipes and oxygen mask. I could see my brother and my crying son. 2 days in the ICU. It was news to me as the doctor explained how dangerous it was to mix Clorox with anything; forget Harpic. And, how much of a fighter I was that I reached the hospital alive, inspite of the intake of the poisonous gas for such long time.

Nurses kept visiting me at the ICU just to see the “Harpic-Clorox case”. They all said, they are also shocked, because many of them also do the same thing to clean their commodes. I became a victim because I used it for the whole toilet and stayed inside for more than 30 minutes. ☹ Any more reason to be embarrassed. 

Now, I am back home, under bed rest for a week. A little bit of walking makes me exhausted and breathless. As I sit here, I am trying to be thankful to many things…

-          The moment that made me forget to unlock the bedroom door, so my son could come in.

-          My son who was trying to do every single bit he could do in the absence of an adult at home.

-          The doctors and nurses who did their bit to revive me (I knew later that I was very dramatic; though I remember nothing much).

-          My inner strength that took me till the hospital.

-          The Almighty who stood by me and blessed me to safety.

Once I was back to pick up the phone, I send messages to all the groups about the hazards of mixing harpic and Clorox.

Anyways, this incident gave me a new name. Ofcourse I was given a choice… To choose from “Harpy or Clory”…

Clory... ☹

No one else will...

So, the long ordeal of going through an unhappy marriage and then facing the family and society with the truth that I AM NOT going to tolerate any bit more is now slowly fizzing down. Lots of debates and arguments and above all, bargaining… I confirmed again within me that I was doing nothing wrong… Here, life was slipping off, and there, someone was trying to tally their profits and loss… What was bigger than the loss of own life… 13 years of your prime life was lost… But, No… that was not important… More important for some was the money, property, assets etc…

I smiled… for it was nothing surprising. I had lived through this selfishness for years… For those who saw it as normal, not seeing what it was doing to me, I was wrong… Still, come far this distance, I decided to face it as the last stage… It hurt deep within, seeing how low a man can go just for material benefits jeopardising own life. Thankfully, all the bargaining was for everything except my son. He was not of profitable interest. I knew, if there was anything that I would have fought for in my battle for my life, it would have been my son.

Thus, I agreed to all the monetary losses during the bargain as I held my son with me. Well-wishers advised not to do that, but I just wanted to put a full-stop to the drama.

Though the decision to get married was not mine, I had entered this life with hope and honesty. I had tried with all heart to abide by the rules and regulations of a marriage and had always strived to be the perfect wife. A wife like my mother. With time, I started giving up. I started getting tired of trying alone. I started refuting for not seeing an effort in return. Soon, I stopped trying, to be the perfect wife. I stopped doing everything that was expected from a good wife.

Once, my father reprimanded me in front of my husband… “What you are doing is not something a good wife do.” I calmly replied, “But, I am not a wife.” My mother asked, “Why did you say that?” Without any double thoughts, I replied,

“Without a husband, how can I be a wife. I have never felt or made to feel that I have a HUSBAND. Then how would I be a wife.”

Silence was the response as I saw my husband slowly retreating the scene to resume his favourite comedy show in TV.

Anyways, I am back in my nest with my son after initiating a mutual petition for separation at the family court. With all heart, I pray to god that let not anybody be ever destined to go to that place for such a cause. It was a painful place. Seeing relations break, people fight, swear at each other; was all new to me. The decision to go there was mine, still my eyes overflowed. Trying to hide them was futile as my heart pound hard against me. I let it free and cried hard as I signed the agreement. I looked over as he placed his signature. The only time he opened his mouth was to reconfirm that he is bearing NO financial obligations of mine. I smiled, my decision was not wrong.

By now I knew, every time I let my weakness to win over happiness, I would face the blunt truth. My sympathy for others was always my happiness’ enemy. My empathy for others was always manipulated as I end up hurt. Even today, I get weak and wonder if I should just give up this battle for sake of other’s happiness. But, now I learnt to wait for few more minutes to see what is to follow. For after every dramatic plead, I would see the real self. The real self that was the reason for this outburst today.  For now I believe in the quote...

“Take care of yourself, No one else will…”

Learn the value...

Why? Why after this many years? Why Now?

A question that kept on rising… Maybe it was an eruption of a volcano. Something that was boiling deep within and just erupted one fine day. Even I had no answer for the question. I kept saying, I am just fed up. I cant anymore take a risk of giving another chance. Outsiders kept assuring and giving me promises that things will change, give another chance. Look for changes for another 6 months, another year… etc etc etc… People tend to forget that the experimentation is on my life.

But, every now and then I wondered. Why did I suddenly decide to say quits? Why now?  Why did I just give up without allowing another chance. Today, as I was all alone, lying down trying to do a rewind on the things that has been happening in my life… I slowly underlined a specific incident. I rounded off a specific picture that has been almost imprinted into my mind.

Though, we were no longer emotionally together, for our son we put up a good charade as a happily married couple. It was openly discussed years back and agreed that we will stay together for the well-being of our son and will ensure that he is properly taken care of. Many a times, I kept reminding him that the responsibilities he forgot to do as a husband, dare not forget to do as a father. To love and to take care of…

Every time he took the relation for granted, I warned him on how it could affect his relation with his son. I tried forcing him to do his bit so as to build his son’s trust atleast. As always, he felt it is all unnecessary and I was just trying to disrupt his otherwise smooth and calm lifestyle. He believed that he is the father, hence will always be regarded as one. He forgot that in this century, unless u do your bit, even your own child would not regard you. He ignored that unless he give, he wont get.

Vacation was always going back home and staying stuck there for him. After every school re-opening day, my son would come and say in awe about his friends’ vacation adventure. He never had any complaints. But, I knew, like any child, he too wished to travel and then brag about his vacation. Thus, after much debates, we flew out for a beach vacation. The idea was to do everything the way my son would enjoy.

One of the attraction was scuba diving.  Thus, we sailed out in a boat to the sea and got into the water. Amongst us, only he knew proper swimming. Wearing life jackets, we all enjoyed the sea. Amidst all the fun, suddenly I started feeling that I was being pulled down by the water. I started struggling to stay above water level, splashing my legs hard. My first instinct was to see if my son was safe.

Right next to me, I could see his head bobbing up and down trying to pull himself up. I looked for help and saw his father climbing the boat back. I kept pulling my son up as I tried hard to stay afloat. I called out for his father to come to us. I could see that we were drifting away from the boat.

Legs below started feeling helpless and I could hear my son saying, “Amma, I am drowning.” I looked at his father, who was on the boat already. I kept shouting, “Come here.” And he kept saying, “You come here.” I felt foolish expecting him to understand that I am not able to reach the boat. I could no longer think of him, for I had to ensure to drag my son up-to safety. 

By then, the boat crew threw the safety tube to us and I caught it and dragged my son too into it. We both were pulled up into the boat. From the crew we understood that it was high-tide and a storm was hitting the sea. As I sat there all wet and cold, my son hugged me and asked, “Amma, why didn’t father come to save us?” It was a hatred that was creeping in me. I pacified him saying maybe his father didn’t realise that we were in danger and assured him that come what may, his mother would be there for him.

Later that afternoon, due the storm, we got stranded off at an island for over an hour and was later taken back to the hotel. Through the rest of the journey, I kept quiet for I knew, if I opened my mouth, I might say something bitter. By the end of the boat journey, I turned to him and said,

“I don’t expect you to save your wife, but didn’t u feel any bad that u left even ur son in danger and saved urself. Inspite of my begging you to come, you didn’t feel any need to come for help.”

He had no answer. His explanation was that he thought I was asking him to come to click pictures. Later, my family too backed him giving him the benefit of doubt. I agree, maybe he did not realise we were in danger. Maybe he thought that I will take care of the situation. Maybe he felt, his son would be strong enough to swim back.

But, my question is and will always be one… “We were all together, having fun. When he knew the sea was getting rough, he swam back to safety. That moment, didn’t he feel that he should ensure that his son is back onboard than in the sea. Didn’t he believe that as a parent, our first responsibility was to take care of our child before our own life. From the boat he could see the sea was rough and the boat getting drifted off, didn’t he think that he should be jumping back into the water to ensure his son is not in trouble.”

Somehow, post that day, I have this one scene fixed in my thoughts. The picture of a father climbing a boat and just looking doing nothing. I now realise, it was this picture that has almost become inerasable and made me give up on my trust. How much ever I tried to forget it and forgive him, I am not able to do it. Our life together was for our son. But, when he failed to protect my son…. I could not anymore follow the drama.

I know, he loves his son so much. Maybe, he doesn’t know how to express it. Maybe, he will never know. But, I am not able to forgive him for running away that day… He might change now. Now that he realise what he lost due his self-centered nature, he might change. For I know, if he doesn’t change still, he will never get the love his son.

For me, it became a closed chapter. But, may this be a new beginning for him. He will always be in my prayers, for my son. May he learn from his past and start acting to be a father, a good father. May he learn the value of what he have and not earn its absence. Hope he realise the truth of love and life…

“When you take things for granted, the things you are granted get taken back.”

Yes, I am starting over...

I realise that I tend to write when I am not at the best of my moods. Though I always want to jot down the thoughts that run through me, I keep pushing it off. Laziness has taken a toll on my innate nature to keep myself busy. Though I want to be honest, I fear of something unknown and tend to hide. I wish to pour out everything. In turn, I think and think and think and then end up getting negative over things that mean nothing in real. 

I have been going through some real tough time. Today, I want to be honest and tell here that I am finally facing the truth. The truth of m life. The truth  about my marriage. Instead of trying to make everything dark by keeping my eyes closed, I decided to face it. Few months back, I faced my husband and my family with the truth of our relation. Yes, the bitter news was not taken well.

“My marriage is a Sham”

Every single person who heard it could not believe it. Why would they believe as they had never seen me and my husband fighting or having any sort of negative issues. Sad. I could not make anybody understand why our 12+ years old marriage was nothing but an adjustment. Why we acted like the ideal couple in front of the world living a life of two strangers in a bed.

The world could only point out the things that they witnessed and that was my unruly nature towards him. My disrespect to a man who was bearing everything in silence. My audacity to not try to be one of those extremely compliant wife who kept her husband’s respect as a priority. I was repeatedly reprimanded for being so, for not trying to be the so called WIFE that this society accepted.

I am not complaining. But, why? Why didn’t any of them see the truth behind this nature? Why didn’t they remember that the girl who grew up under their control, under their nose was not like this? Why didn’t they think that a girl who would give her own life her loved ones wouldn’t behave so without a reason? Years and years just passed by and none felt to actually understand the reason behind my gradual change from a loving girl to an unruly wife.

No complaints. The major accusation that I faced was, “WHY DIDN’T I TELL THE TRUTH EARLIER?” True, I should have. But would I have had a better reaction, back then? Would I have been listened to, back then? Would I have been given the consideration to the pain I have been going through? No, they wouldn’t have. Or atleast, as a family they could never give me that assurance that they would have. Growing up in insecurity was not easy.

Just because I loved all of them, I kept taking all the pain myself. The person who knew all the truth of our marriage, my husband, as always decided to stay silent. He was still with his eyes closed. He shuddered that his name could be tarnished if I said the truth of our relation. So, he had to ensure, he kept his innocent face ON until he had no other choice.

But my aim was not to tarnish him, but to get peace for myself. All I wanted was to slowly wash away the negativities in me. I was known to be a very positive female for everybody who spoke to me even for a minute. But deep inside, I was filled with insecurities, negativities, pain and tears. “Why did I wait for this many years,” they asked for their eyes were blind to those years I tried to make this marriage work. When all my tries fell into unemotional insensitive ears, I gave up trying.

Months after the revelation, I walked out of my own house, my marriage, my own family with my son’s hand in my hand. The 10 year old innocent him announced to all, that wherever his mother go, he is going with her. Few friends stood to hold me up, I built a small nest and its almost 6 months now. The attacks are still ongoing. All that is left is to get physically attacked. Emotionally, I have been battered from all sides by own blood.

Yes, its made me strong. I started seeing a hope to live, a hope to smile, a hope to have a future. I should now let the world too know what only my family know. The truth about a failure, the failure of a marriage, my marriage. Yes, I am raising my hands from trying to revive something that is not alive anymore. But,  I am not giving up on my life. I am starting my new journey to fight for my tomorrow that I would like to fill with only love and peace. Starting again, all over again...

“Yes, I am starting over...”