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Friday, April 27, 2018

Yes, I am starting over...

I realise that I tend to write when I am not at the best of my moods. Though I always want to jot down the thoughts that run through me, I keep pushing it off. Laziness has taken a toll on my innate nature to keep myself busy. Though I want to be honest, I fear of something unknown and tend to hide. I wish to pour out everything. In turn, I think and think and think and then end up getting negative over things that mean nothing in real. 

I have been going through some real tough time. Today, I want to be honest and tell here that I am finally facing the truth. The truth of m life. The truth  about my marriage. Instead of trying to make everything dark by keeping my eyes closed, I decided to face it. Few months back, I faced my husband and my family with the truth of our relation. Yes, the bitter news was not taken well.

“My marriage is a Sham”

Every single person who heard it could not believe it. Why would they believe as they had never seen me and my husband fighting or having any sort of negative issues. Sad. I could not make anybody understand why our 12+ years old marriage was nothing but an adjustment. Why we acted like the ideal couple in front of the world living a life of two strangers in a bed.

The world could only point out the things that they witnessed and that was my unruly nature towards him. My disrespect to a man who was bearing everything in silence. My audacity to not try to be one of those extremely compliant wife who kept her husband’s respect as a priority. I was repeatedly reprimanded for being so, for not trying to be the so called WIFE that this society accepted.

I am not complaining. But, why? Why didn’t any of them see the truth behind this nature? Why didn’t they remember that the girl who grew up under their control, under their nose was not like this? Why didn’t they think that a girl who would give her own life her loved ones wouldn’t behave so without a reason? Years and years just passed by and none felt to actually understand the reason behind my gradual change from a loving girl to an unruly wife.

No complaints. The major accusation that I faced was, “WHY DIDN’T I TELL THE TRUTH EARLIER?” True, I should have. But would I have had a better reaction, back then? Would I have been listened to, back then? Would I have been given the consideration to the pain I have been going through? No, they wouldn’t have. Or atleast, as a family they could never give me that assurance that they would have. Growing up in insecurity was not easy.

Just because I loved all of them, I kept taking all the pain myself. The person who knew all the truth of our marriage, my husband, as always decided to stay silent. He was still with his eyes closed. He shuddered that his name could be tarnished if I said the truth of our relation. So, he had to ensure, he kept his innocent face ON until he had no other choice.

But my aim was not to tarnish him, but to get peace for myself. All I wanted was to slowly wash away the negativities in me. I was known to be a very positive female for everybody who spoke to me even for a minute. But deep inside, I was filled with insecurities, negativities, pain and tears. “Why did I wait for this many years,” they asked for their eyes were blind to those years I tried to make this marriage work. When all my tries fell into unemotional insensitive ears, I gave up trying.

Months after the revelation, I walked out of my own house, my marriage, my own family with my son’s hand in my hand. The 10 year old innocent him announced to all, that wherever his mother go, he is going with her. Few friends stood to hold me up, I built a small nest and its almost 6 months now. The attacks are still ongoing. All that is left is to get physically attacked. Emotionally, I have been battered from all sides by own blood.

Yes, its made me strong. I started seeing a hope to live, a hope to smile, a hope to have a future. I should now let the world too know what only my family know. The truth about a failure, the failure of a marriage, my marriage. Yes, I am raising my hands from trying to revive something that is not alive anymore. But,  I am not giving up on my life. I am starting my new journey to fight for my tomorrow that I would like to fill with only love and peace. Starting again, all over again...

“Yes, I am starting over...”