More to go...

I always believe and remind my son that the divorce was between a husband and wife and his parents will still stand together for all his needs. I kept trying to cover-up for all the short-falls his father continued doing even at this stage of life. I still ensured to remind his father on how to be a good father and how to build their relation. It is a sad truth that it never came from his heart.

I always believed in incorporating all family values in him. That day, as we were checking in for our return flight, I dialled his paternal grandmother for him to talk to her. She never had much to talk. It was always a formality conversation with her unless there was something that she had to be bitter about. Their conversation didn’t last long, as usual, my son said his regular Hi – How r u -  questions and then heard him saying SHE IS HERE. I WILL ASK HER TO CALL YOU.

As we crossed security, he mentioned that his grandmother wanted to speak to me and I should call her back. Though, I always considered her as my mother, somehow she could never do that. For sure, I knew this was where her son got his selfish characteristics. Hence, I knew well that a conversation with her would never be pleasant. Still, not wanting my son to feel bad, I made the call at the boarding gates. My heart was beating fast.

Hello…

Hello Amma.

Ohhhhhhh, Madammm… Why are you going so fast. Why are you not staying in that house? You took that house in your name, aaaaalllll for yourself? Why don’t you stay there for many days? You have already done the exorcism to remove the spirit from your life…

What Spirit, Amma! [It hurt, knowing the spirit she meant was my husband or should I say ex-husband].

Why don’t you stay there for many days?

No Amma, I have things to be done…

You have terminated your partner from his job. You can live in that house all for yourself. You don’t have to bother about him anymore. You got the house in your name. Although it was always in your name. Still. You should have stayed long. Now the boy who I got after praying hard to get a boy child has become an orphan. He lost his father and his mother. I wanted him for my things. But now, I don’t need him anymore.

She had a few more harshness to spit and then the call got disconnected from the other end with a Thank you Madam.

I didn’t expect anything better. I always knew that thru this process, her only worry was the losing of the house that I had built on bank loans all around me. During the bargain, his son wanted a share of the house with ZERO obligations on the loan that I had to pay for next 20years. I was fine to give off the house as a whole with no compensation for me if he was ready to take up the loan responsibilities. But he preferred a profit in it and expected to own it without paying for it. I denied and hence the house still stayed under my ownership - the only one asset I had. So she was mainly showing her displeasure of losing an asset - a physical property - A house. 

No surprised. But her talking about my son, really hurt me. I had to clarify few things, but to his father and not her. Hence, I called him,

“I understand amma is hurt. But no one else is hurt as much as me. Please remind her that our son has not lost his parents. As long as my son needs me, I will be there for him. As long as you wanna be with him, I will never stop you either. Please make your mother understand this much.”

As always, he argued that his mother will never say such things. I was relieved that this time I had the conversation recorded (a process I started doing since the day she had first called to abuse me over my decision). When I mentioned that I can give him proof, he changed tones. “Maybe, mom said something. But she forgot.” Isnt it strange that people can forget things within minutes. Good for her.

The journey back was quiet. My son who was watching and over hearing the conversation felt bad too. All he said was, “Amma, I am sorry for making you call her. If she doesn’t need me,  I will never go there again.”

“No baby, he is your grandmother. She is now upset with amma. That’s why. If your father wants to take you there, you should go happily. They are also part of your family.”

At age 10, how much could he understand, I don’t know. Regretting with all heart that I had to put him thru this mess, I consoled him.

But atleast, that call was end of another relation too. A one-sided mother daughter relation…

More to go…

And the search begin…

So, a trip to my home town again. This time to finalise a decision that was made after much thoughts.

Deep inside, I kept wondering, should I or should I not. The weak heart of mine kept feeling to give up and just adjust to the life I was living for years. Afterall, it was risk free. I just had to get tortured within and suffer alone in silence. Or… don’t give up… earn your happiness through the tough road. Lots of hardships to face, lots of risk… but atleast the relief that at the end of the day, I was not sharing my bed with a stranger…

I thought of him. With me gone for ever, he would be alone. Felt bad… felt sad. Am I wrong to do that? But then, was he even feeling this pain? Was he ever comfortable with my presence around? If yes, he would have in these years tried to see me as I am. Wouldn’t he have changed his selfish nature, the least bit, to bring in harmony in the relation. For a matter, I realised that for past 12+ years, this sympathy for him was what made me stay in a relation that was DEAD and was never alive.

But, everytime I made a compromise feeling sympathetic towards, he did something to make me regret it. He had this innate talent to make me realise that I was wrong in trying to forgive and forget and above all to compromise. He believed, come what may… I will be silent and will cope till the end… for it is a MARRIAGE and DIVORCE was not an acceptable process in our culture or particularly in our family. He was wrong.

His own ways made me strong enough to think above the sympathy. Sympathy is not what we need in a marriage. Love, respect, dependency, trust, care and empathy. Unfortunately, our marriage lacked every factor and it was all a façade for both of us. If it was for his pride that he stood in it, my son and parent’s happiness made me cope. But as they say, everything has a limit. When I finally broke the threshold of my limits, I erupted. With no emotions to supress me down, I broke down in front of my family.

As expected, with zero support, I went ahead with my decision. If anything that kept putting me in dilemma, it was the sympathy I had for that man which he somehow managed to slap my face immediately to wake me up to his real self, the selfish self-centered self.

It was painful. Extremely painful. Still, I bear the pain for I know that this relation was nothing less than a punishment for both of us. A seven hours wait at the court, made me watch scenes that I would never want to again witness. Some fought for their freedom while the other stayed adamant not to. People cried on their life and some smiled. It was a miserable seven hours indeed. Those moments, I prayed, may no other two wrong people be tied together to end up in this place. May all marriages be made in heaven and see only heaven.

The seven hours of waiting was long, but finally when we were summoned to the court, everything ended in less than 7 minutes. Nothing much to argue or bargain – Just two questions. All financial transactions are settled  - YES. Do you want to re-think – NO. The bell rang.

Wondering what to do, I was slowly nudged to exit. With pounding hearts I walked out, I was no longer married. Not able to stay within its nest, tears trickled. Trying to stop it only made it worse. I could see him as always walking off emotionless, as always with a smile. I knew nothing. I was finally free. I no longer had to act a happy married life. I can be myself.

Yes, I can. I need to be. More than quarter of my life, I have lived putting up an act of being happy. Now that I have let everybody know that I was never happy, it is time to work on it. I need to bring in the happiness that I had purposefully ignored all my life.

It’s a new beginning, a new phase, a new life that I am stepping in to… In pursuit of my peace, my content, my happiness…

And the search begin…

No one else will...

So, the long ordeal of going through an unhappy marriage and then facing the family and society with the truth that I AM NOT going to tolerate any bit more is now slowly fizzing down. Lots of debates and arguments and above all, bargaining… I confirmed again within me that I was doing nothing wrong… Here, life was slipping off, and there, someone was trying to tally their profits and loss… What was bigger than the loss of own life… 13 years of your prime life was lost… But, No… that was not important… More important for some was the money, property, assets etc…

I smiled… for it was nothing surprising. I had lived through this selfishness for years… For those who saw it as normal, not seeing what it was doing to me, I was wrong… Still, come far this distance, I decided to face it as the last stage… It hurt deep within, seeing how low a man can go just for material benefits jeopardising own life. Thankfully, all the bargaining was for everything except my son. He was not of profitable interest. I knew, if there was anything that I would have fought for in my battle for my life, it would have been my son.

Thus, I agreed to all the monetary losses during the bargain as I held my son with me. Well-wishers advised not to do that, but I just wanted to put a full-stop to the drama.

Though the decision to get married was not mine, I had entered this life with hope and honesty. I had tried with all heart to abide by the rules and regulations of a marriage and had always strived to be the perfect wife. A wife like my mother. With time, I started giving up. I started getting tired of trying alone. I started refuting for not seeing an effort in return. Soon, I stopped trying, to be the perfect wife. I stopped doing everything that was expected from a good wife.

Once, my father reprimanded me in front of my husband… “What you are doing is not something a good wife do.” I calmly replied, “But, I am not a wife.” My mother asked, “Why did you say that?” Without any double thoughts, I replied,

“Without a husband, how can I be a wife. I have never felt or made to feel that I have a HUSBAND. Then how would I be a wife.”

Silence was the response as I saw my husband slowly retreating the scene to resume his favourite comedy show in TV.

Anyways, I am back in my nest with my son after initiating a mutual petition for separation at the family court. With all heart, I pray to god that let not anybody be ever destined to go to that place for such a cause. It was a painful place. Seeing relations break, people fight, swear at each other; was all new to me. The decision to go there was mine, still my eyes overflowed. Trying to hide them was futile as my heart pound hard against me. I let it free and cried hard as I signed the agreement. I looked over as he placed his signature. The only time he opened his mouth was to reconfirm that he is bearing NO financial obligations of mine. I smiled, my decision was not wrong.

By now I knew, every time I let my weakness to win over happiness, I would face the blunt truth. My sympathy for others was always my happiness’ enemy. My empathy for others was always manipulated as I end up hurt. Even today, I get weak and wonder if I should just give up this battle for sake of other’s happiness. But, now I learnt to wait for few more minutes to see what is to follow. For after every dramatic plead, I would see the real self. The real self that was the reason for this outburst today.  For now I believe in the quote...

“Take care of yourself, No one else will…”