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Tuesday, December 13, 2016

I am not OK...


Since the last 'gone-wrong conversation'; mind has been restless. I knew, it was already late…too late to have that open talk with mom. Knowing clearly, how she would react, always kept me from making her a confidante in my life. Her views were always based on “TRADITION, CULTURE, SOCIETY” and it never matched my outlook on life. She would go hysteric on hearing anything that was against what the usual “EXPECTED” society made norms. This made me apprehensive to be open to her on my most personal feelings – be it joy or sorrow.

Today, I purposefully, took one day annual leave; to talk to her. Rather, open up to her and try to make her realise what was I going through and why this idea of “Lone Trip” was in my agenda. The past nights were restless as I was repeatedly, planning, scripting, rehearsing the moment when I would TRY opening up to her.

As luck could have it, brother too was at home. Completely wrong day… I was so hoping to be alone when I start this conversation. Thus I waited until afternoon, to finally find my mom alone in her room. I went inside, “Amma, I need to talk to you…”. As expected, her face changed to one with ‘worry’. She was already getting into a hyper mode, I knew it.

As I continued, “Amma, please don’t take this conversation on a Society perspective and try to see it as your daughter’s feelings. I really want to talk to you. I AM NOT HAPPY.

SILENCE… as stupid can I be, tears started overflowing my eyes and I was choking with pressure within…

"Amma, all that discussion on the trip. You should try to understand, why am I being so….”

Stopped short, not due tears, but mom had already started off. She was outpouring all her anger on the last conversation and HOW SHE CANT LET A GIRL GO ALONE ON A TRIP and HOW IT IS NOT ACCEPTED IN SOCIETY etc etc etc…She was so outrageous as she was shouting on my audacity to expect to do such a trip and I could clearly see that she saw nothing else over that conversation…She didn’t see my tears, she didn’t see that I was trying to break open a barrier that was always between us… She saw nothing…

Her loud voice had invited brother’s attention and he too entered the scene. Now, this was something I never wanted as he started asking worriedly on what was happening. I rose from my seat and as I dashed out, “Amma, THIS IS WHY… I could never be open to you. You always complained that I wasn’t being open to you. Now, you saw? You want a daughter who always smiles and be happy in front of u. All my life, I had done that. I have accepted everything for the sake of you and dad, be it was against my own happiness or wishes. You are fine, as you feel that wud keep me happy. But NO. For once, today, I tried to finally tell you, how unhappy I am in my life and how serious is my personal life… I begged to u to look at it as a mother to a daughter and not thru the society’s eyes. BUT… Sorry, I made this mistake of trying to talk to you. U will be happy with the charade I have been putting on all these years. I will…hence forth too. As long as I can, I will. But remember, ONE DAY, I will reach my limits and, that day, don’t be sad or blame me for what happens…”

For me, it was as if WHERE DID I GO WRONG…Through my room’s closed door, I could hear, brother talking to mom on why she reacted so when I had to share something…etc etc. Maybe he felt, I was serious. I didn’t wanted to hear anything. But… soon I found amma sitting by my side with her head bowed down… I could see that she was hurt and feeling sorry...She wanted to know what was the issue and am I ok...

I had nothing to say…Afterall, what could I say…how could I explain…All the courage, the rehearsals and days long planning was not helping me anymore. I was blank… With tears, I could just say…

I am not OK…

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