I am strong…I was strong and I will be strong…but…
I feel weak today…helpless, desperate and depressed. How I wish, I
could change myself and get back to the strong me…How I wish I could hold my
tears back and have my smile back…How I wish I could make myself to move out of
my shell and go and embrace my weakness… But, No…I am not able to do any of
this…Thru night and morning, I have been dragging myself thru this trauma of
not facing the reality… I couldn’t even imagine the moment when my fears might
come true…
I know; as years pass by, I should be prepared to accept the
universal truth that “One day, all of us should leave…”… I remember myself
praying selfishly to let me leave first before those I love.
I feel I will not be able to face those moments...Especially, the past year has
been playing games with me and I have cultivated (yes, I used the right
word as I was doing nothing to fight my fear but kept growing it within me)
this depressing thoughts in me that is taking a troll in my mind. Every now and
then, I think of those fears and ends up going weak and crying.
I knew, it is stupid of me when I cry out thinking of the moment
when I would yearn for those favourite dishes made by my mom and WHAT IF she is
no longer around to make them for me… WHAT IF I would feel like seeing her and
will not be able to “ever”… WHAT IF I want to apologise to my dad for all those
fights we do, be it for my love and concern for him and I can’t do it… WHAT IF I
want to hug my Appups and get pampered by him like always and will not even
able to meet him again.
Ok, I am going crazy or maybe I am crazy. This is not me, the usual
me never used to do this. This realisation is what made me think of taking a
break and go off on a trip all alone. I wanted to just be somewhere, where I
was alone to put down all my fears, fight them myself and come back strong. The
decision was very strong and I had fixed in my mind that nothing or none can
change my decision to do this solitary trip… but….
Time…Time can change anything, any decisions… I had to cancel my trip and once again facing my fear…I have once mentioned about my Appups and how closely
bond I am with him…Every passing years, only have strengthened the intensity of
our closeness…But now, back home, he is going thru tough time…Its tough for
him, I know, bcoz of his helplessness that he is not able to do anything to
relieve his kids’ tension and sorrow. As kids, be it his own children or
grandchildren, we are all praying every moment that his health gets better and
the fears of the diagnosis of what the illness cud be should not come true.
Someone who never
ever been to a hospital bed is now in the hospital bed all tired and weak… I
cant even bear to think of him in that way… Far away, in this place, I am going
weak thinking of the worst. The more optimistic I am trying to be, the more
weaker my fears are making me…I so much want to see him and hug him hard. But I
fear, I might not be able to control my emotions in front of him.
Instead, I am trying to run away from the thoughts. I want to think
that he is absolutely fine there and while I to keep myself soooo busy that
I wouldn't get a chance to think…think of him. I have cried and screamed all alone
to vent off the pressure that is building up within me. I walked in the hot
sun. Killed myself in the gym and trying to sleep without any dreams or
thoughts. Trying to laugh, smile, joke, have fun, eat nonstop to forget
thinking of anything else. Avoiding all discussions on the subject and
instead find other stupid topics to talk to my friends and if possible get into
arguments that could frustrate me….
But, I need to make a decision now… Should I go to him? Do I want to
be with him now and be it for better or worse, just be with him… Or do I want
to just treasure his good old Super Daddy memories to stay fresh always in my
thoughts… if I see him in this weak condition, wouldn’t that torture me all my
life? I don’t know, I seriously don’t know…I am going so weak that I am not
able to make a decision. Inspite of so much wanting to see him, I am not able
to book my tickets and fly off to him…I know, if anybody can help, its me who
should help myself to be strong... But, I am not able to do my bit, so
I want god to help me out…Give me the strength to fight this battle...Take off all his illness and make him healthy forever…pleaseeeeee…
Please god, please help…
