Nothing is Permanent...

Whenever we take a new step in life, it seems to be a new hope…a new phase, a new beginning… If we go back to the past of this blog… it is very evident that I wrote a lot when I was going thru one of the most terrible period…Let me say, not the worst, still psychologically a tough period. But then, in a day, my life changed and I was floating in peace…inspite of all the explosions or riots that happened around me, I was still at peace…I was calm and my mind was free to just go in the flow…

Thus I realized, I can blog only when I am in pressure… and in tht new phase, the pressure was lesser than the required level for blogging…lol!!! But then, years later…it has happened…all of a sudden, at one moment, I was pushed back into a whirlpool…and I am trying to actually first get hold of the ground or something to hang on…Only then can I start thinking, how to come out of this or should I just let go off…

Life is indeed strange. We make plans for a future that we are not sure of. I too did. I thought, or believed that the calmness that was over me was permanent and I can stride thru life just like a cool breeze. I had this idiotic belief that, NOW, nothing can go wrong. I made plans…plans that spread for many years ahead. I assured those who were around me, that I am there for them. I will be there for them. But now, today, I wonder…When I am not even sure of whats gonna happen to those plans I had, how am I gonna be there for those who think I wud be there…

We say, "see you soon" whenever we bid goodbye…What make u say that? The belief that you are gonna be alive till that next meeting, but… When you borrow money, you say, “will give it to you by next month”, but…When you plan the future of your kids, you say, “This is good for you”, but…

Ok, so, eventhough I am not depressed, I am worried. I am not upset for the change in my life’s phase, but I am angry at the circumstances. I am not thinking what next, but I am wondering why I am not thinking. I can see, in front of me is all those road map that I had planned and set with the over confidence I had…I thought, nothing gonna happen till I achieve the goals. I will be safe, but now... I am not. 

It feels as if I am there, "Standing in the middle of the world’s busiest road, not knowing, should I run to my left or the right or just stand here". I gotta take a decision and that too soon before I loose control of all the ends of the strings I am holding on to. Yes, I have too many strings to take care of and I can or should never forget that...

No worries, this too will pass…I have seen worser days, and I have come out of it victoriously…I have come thru much difficult phases…I have fought bigger battles…I have swam much deeper oceans…And during all those moments, God had sent me angels… and their hands helped me come out of all of them…I am sure, this time too, God will send an Angel…as always a new one, a new revelation in a different form…As I realize, even the angels that come in for my help are not same, they too change…Am I not right, when I say…

Nothing is permanent!!!

Just for the sake of it...

Its been really long time I haven’t posted anything…even if I had drafted couple of posts in a word document…they were safely saved into a personal folder in my desktop…why didn’t I post them, not sure…maybe I was just too lazy…

 

I have posted some lines that actually came out of my mouth while talking to a friend…it was for fun sake…as I had this habit of unnecessarily adding on words and making up something stupid….that day, almost an year back, he said something about loneliness and I went on…Idea was to cheer him up with my silly lyrics…

 

But he had saved them…again…just for the sake of it…and he advised me that day that I should think about jotting down such instant words that I say … and then see if it makes any sense…hehe!!! Indeed, it made no sense for me…but he felt it was nice, if I could work on it and maybe create something beautiful out of it…I couldn’t, all I could or can is always, just talk the heart out…

 

But was I actually doing that? Was I talking my heart out…I was…but I noticed, my character was changing at a very intense pace…into a very rough mode… temper shot out like a bullet from a gun…I was finding it difficult to control my anger and the compulsive behavior…If I wanted something the way I wanted, I went on and on and on…and I realized, I was hurting many around me…including my beautiful son…and many others who actually cared for me…

 

Even when I shivered in anger or temper, I knew I was not right…still I couldn’t make myself to calm down and rectify my mistake before it turned grave…So it became a regular affair. I would get angry and get into this Compulsive disorder and then after everything I would get sooo upset that I would be in all depression for causing that pain to the other person…The victim was mostly my little son and that’s what made me all the more depressed. I knew, I was doing wrong…all wrong to that little heart. He might be wondering and confused seeing his mother’s anger and the exact opposite behavior after some time…

 

I started this post just for the sake of writing something…but now I realize that there is so much that I wanna talk about. I started off with the lines my own lines that my friend had saved for me. But there was much more, within my heart that is saved there. It needs to be taken out from my heart and put into order and then to work on it. To repent or rectify, I think its time for me to do a self-analysis and see why it is happening the way it is…Wish me luck, as I know, its not an easy job…gonna be extremely tedious and close to impossible.

 

But I should do it, before it is too late…atleast just for the sake of it…

Why NOW when never before...

There has been a cut off since sometime between me and my support systems…The hands that held me close whenever I was about to fall…What and Why? I have no answer. But it’s just that I felt they are no longer there or they were not the same as before. Now, who is wrong here, I can’t say. But naturally, most of us feel and believe that “I am right, hence I say so”… and I am no different from those normal people; nothing extraordinary that I would think about the other’s perspective before getting into conclusions.

 

Its not that I am being judgmental here, but then, I wanted that support so much and I didn’t have it… Comparing the present to the past, was all that was required to justify my thoughts. But I knew I would never be able to put my point across to make anybody understand. As I knew that their thought process believed I am wrong and to be blamed. I know, I am not an expressive person; but then I never was. My question was only one… Especially, when I am already holding a bucket of my own pleas and complaints.
 

I know, I was being a child here. When I was a fighter to the world around, it was only to very few eyes and ears that I could be a child. Cry and smile the way I wanted. Get pampered or expect to be accepted inspite of all the silly pranks I did. But, today suddenly, everything is changed. The one who made me feel like the apple of the eye, suddenly started behaving as if I was the pain in the eye. The circumstances and situations around me, neither helped much and only worsened the feelings. The feeling of “Unwanted”.

Today, I know, I am cutting off myself; from everything and anything around me, even from them. The shield that I had all around me; which had an open door for my support system; is no longer open. The gap I kept open is closing and I can see that. I have started losing hope on them ‘too’. Maybe I am wrong, but I feel and like to believe I am justified…After all, I am hurt. I was hurt and I wanted support and was deprived of it… by my very own support system…Now, all my mind asks me to do is to "Stay safe from getting hurt"...So,

“My dear Support, this I want to let you know that maybe hereafter, if I miss a step, I would prefer falling off rather than looking for you as the pain would be much lesser… This is my battle between my inner self and you…Tomorrow, if my eyes seem blank to you, understand, its stopped looking for you…if my ears seem deaf to you, understand, its stopped hoping for you…if my hands keep distance with you, understand, its stopped expecting for you”

Still I wonder, “Why NOW when never before”…

As I stood...

The world has never been same to me

Be where I stood, it was solitude around

He said he was there for me and just for me

But then why this heart never assured that to me..

As I stood there with wide open eyes

To see a glimpse of a smile I searched

As I waited there with an ever alert ear

To hear a tint of a voice I yearned…

My eyes met none with the blank world around

As I wondered if I was blind or just losing hope

My ears heard none as life moved off in silence

I could just wonder if I was dead or just losing heart…

Now that the hope is gone

With a blank heart I stay

Not to trust what I see

Not to believe what I hear…

Is this the destiny that I call “my life”

As I stand here and bear all the while

Can anything worth ever can payback...

For the tears welling off my hopeful eyes…