Happy Mother's Day...

I wanted to write this today… here in public. Many of you might wonder why! Maybe, because, I am not the type of person who could put these in words and express it in nature. Maybe bcoz the person whom I want to tell this to will not be able to take it 😊  For sure, she would cut me off saying, “Ohh ilakkam venda, Dialogue mathi. Over aakkanda.” Yes, that’s how she would respond. My Amma can never take these emotional honesty.

Amma and my relation has always been the katta-meeta type. She could express her anger more than her love, maybe that was why it was so. We never knew or could express the actual love we have for each other. Atleast, that’s what I think. We spoke like friends, at the same time, kept secrets from each other – Maybe for the fear that it might hurt the other. I always complained, she didn’t love me as much as she loved my brother or for that matter her sister’s kids or anybody else. On contrary, I think, she also always felt, I loved my aunts more than her. Strange, isn’t it.

All my life, I have tried my best to never do anything that would hurt her. Unknowingly, I might have hurt her many times. But, what I would always regret is that, Knowingly, I had to give her one big pain. I hope, someday, she would understand that this was best for her daughter; for I know, nothing is bigger than her daughter’s happiness for her… and that it killed me more to hurt her and would never have dared to do so, if I had another choice.

Today, Amma, on this Mother’s Day… I want you to know something.

“You might not be the perfect Mother in the world. But you are the best mother for me and I will never want to part from you, in this life or any other lives… I am so proud of you, that you have always tried to not hurt any other mother’s child and still do. Yes, it might have hurt me at times, but as a mother, I understand that even I would have done the same, if in your place.

Thanks for the days you stood by me, though you never agreed to me…

Thanks for the words you said aloud, when I felt completely lost…

Thanks for the moments you shared, when I stood totally alone… 

Thanks for my favorite delicacies, when I yearned for it every single day…

Thanks for the smiles you showed, when I knew well that you were crying within…

Above all, thank you for being my Amma. My best amma, love you more than my life. I would always want to see you happy and never want to hurt you. I am sorry for hurting you. I will always want you to be right beside me and never leave me. I might never be able to say this to you on face, but please never leave me alone. Whatever rights or wrongs, I may do, stay by me for I can’t bear being away from you. I love you and will always love you…

Happy Mother’s Day…”

A “Sidekick!!!”

Those days, I thought, that was how things worked. Boys proposing girls at the age of 9-10 seemed natural and normal. Back then, I didn’t feel there was anything strange about it. Though today, it intrigues me. Age 10!!! My son is 11 now and I cant imagine him falling in love. I understand having a crush. But, falling in love…LOL, with all capital letters!!! I cant imagine him going behind a girl to woo her or make her understand his deep love for her to get married to her.

Yes, you heard it right, Marriage. That was exactly what I used to hear when these young  teens confessed their love. Today, such love would be misunderstood as “lust” or “sex”. But those days, it had only one meaning. 'There is love in the air and if they both have same feeling, soon we will see them married.' It sort of sounds cute now as I think of it.

Anyways, the tom boy me, was a perfect friend for many such girls who were being proposed by boys. Every festivals, every inter school competitions, every get-togethers – We found such boys. Mostly in a bicycle, they came in as a gang and would do every single idiotic thing to get the attention of the girls. When it went over board, I would be back answering them. Wonder, what was I? A Bouncer for the rest of the girls. Whatever.

There was even a regular “Proposer” who claimed to be in true love with every other girl at every other location. Once, I even asked him, how could he say so. And he said, “Ha, no dear. Last time, I was misunderstood. That was not real love. But this is. I am truly in love with this girl. Please, can you help me.” Gosh, isn’t that crazy. Yes, it was. For me. I felt, it was odd to have such flickering heart that beat fast for every other girl. But, he had no shame, I suppose. He went around proposing girls and I kept witnessing it. Now don’t ask me, why was I everywhere. I used to be an active participant in talent shows and sports competitions during my school days and such places were a favourite spot for such fickle-minded boys, I assume.  

Ok, maybe, only I had this opinion about such boys. But the girls who were getting that extra attention from one such boy was always in an elated and excited mode. She would be seen walking around with more poise and extra dose of shyness. And if she got proposed, then are the days about sharing the secret news and would be talking about it with much pride. Post the same, I would be witnessing secret meetings on the road side or the bus stop or even the temples. Personally, I had even accompanied some of them as a ‘friend’. Now I realise, I was just a ‘cover-up’ for them…hehe!!!

So, somewhere from age 8-11, I played the role of a ‘bouncer’, ‘loyal friend’, ‘cover-up’….In a Bollywood movie, think my role would be considered as a ‘side-kick’…

Gosh, should I laugh or be pathetic on my role…

A “Sidekick!!!”

V-Month Rewind...

February, the month of love…so they say…Who? Who cares! I don’t think I never even heard of Valentines Day until somewhere in 2000. Was I that bad in the matter of love or was these so called “DAYS” came into the limelight only by then. Naturally, think the marketing sense of this society grew with demand of business. That’s what I would say.

Anyways, when somebody asked me what my plans for the Valentines Day was, I laughed. Life was in a mode where I personally never got so excited about such days. Forget V-day, even birthdays seems boring… So I have no idea what were my plans…

Frankly speaking, as a child, Love was sort of an amazing secret. A secret that all would love to have and at the same time feared it to the teeth. As kids, we would talk so much about how that girl is in love with that boy! How this boy cheated that girl for this girl! How she thinks that that boy loves this girl!

Sad is the reality that this heart tickling secret always floated around me, but never in me… Growing up as a tom boy, I was mostly only a witness to many such love affairs. I felt it was so weird to actually claim to be falling in love.

Hehe!!!, so, this month, I wanna take a u-turn to some childhood memories… a Walk through the childish past…

A V-Month Rewind...

A Vacuum Cleaner

Somebody asked me today to say something about my childhood. I realized, that I could recollect nothing much to share. I could never talk just out of the box of my childhood. For that matter, I could talk of nothing like that. I was going blank the moment I thought of what to talk. This could be one reason why I had this big urge to just go into a silent mode all of a sudden. I had all sort of blocks within me when I tried to purposefully talk about something. Same was the case about my filling the pages of this blog. I just couldn’t put myself to jot down my thoughts at times.

This could be very surprising and unbelievable for most of the people who knew me. For they always felt that I could never put a full stop when I start talking. But then, I can see how and why I was so. Basically, I was just talking; talking about nothing but everything. Strange.

The last few months; I had a lot to share. Most of them were hardships. Trying to get into the new phase of my life. I couldn’t. I would type things down. I would get so lazy to even read through what I have typed in. It would be then left back as a draft. There are times when I read many of my past drafts and wonder, did I even write them.

This new year. Like many other years, today I wish, I can finally start being open about myself and write down my thoughts and craziness. Not for anybdy else, but for myself. I wish I will stand by my wish. I hope to put down everything about my life, so that one day I can read them and wonder that “Did I really say all that?”

I hope the joke that was being shared around wouldn’t be true for me…

“January is only a trial month to try out resolutions and I will be back to normal starting February”

Is it actually my laziness that is not letting me be regular in this. Or is it something else. Somehow, I feel it’s the blank feeling that I face most time that makes me so rigid to do anything more than my regular routine. Maybe, I need to find ways to first clear the vacuum within me and then start filling it with things so that I can later put them down in records. So what do I need to do that…

Maybe… Maybe a…

A Vacuum Cleaner… 😉